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Waste.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

verb
use or expend carelessly, extravagantly, or to no purpose.
adjective(of a material, substance, or byproduct) eliminated or discarded as no longer useful or required after the completion of a process.


A word that's been playing in my head all day long.

There's so much noise, but it's so quiet.
There's so much to do, yet there's no accomplishment.
There's so much people, but it's still so lonely.
There's so much conversation, yet there's nothing said.

Did I just write an impromptu, non-rhyming poem? Yes, I did.

The fatigue I have been feeling is in-explainable. I feel that I do so much, but I don't do anything at all. All I see is that it's all a waste. All the hours doing something, trying to do something. It's all a waste, nothing comes out of it. All the hours spent doing nothing, it's all wasted, nothing comes out of it. I go places, I do things, it's all a waste, nothing comes out of it.

I think what I mean.. is that there's no purpose. I feel that I am wasting my days away doing things that seemingly have no purpose to me. I'm doing all these things mechanically, because I have to. I go to work because I have to. While I'm at it, I try to do my best, because I have to. While I'm at it, I get stressed, so I go out and I try to meet people, have fun, laugh, try to have a good time, because I have to. I try to make people like me, because I have to. I try not to be mean, because I have to. I try to be less selfish, because I have to. I maintain all my existing friendships because I have to. Its as if I have no control over anything that I do, or don't do.

My mind is slipping away from me. Some time ago, when I had the ability to think, I took pride in it. These days, all I want to do is mindless things. Or just nothing. I want to do nothing. Or there is just nothing I want to do.

I know that sometimes people feel jaded, as a "tired, bored, or lacking enthusiasm, typically after having had too much of something". Is there such thing as too much 'nothing'? I can't begin to explain how 'nothing' I feel about my life right now. 

Everything is a waste. All the time I'm alive right now is a waste. I'm wasting the life God gave me. All the hours I'm wasting. All the sleep (rest) I am wasting. All the words I'm speaking is a waste. All the work I am doing is a waste. All the hours I spend awake is a waste. All the hours I spend asleep is a waste. All the food I'm eating is a waste. All the money I am spending is a waste. All the money I'm not spending is a waste. All the care I am receiving is a waste. Wasted on me. All the things I have right now is a waste. All the freedom I have is a waste. 

Everything has no meaning. What is it that I can't seem to change anything? Its like I want all these things. I want to be desired, I want to be smart, I want to be successful, I want to be rich, I want to be kind, I want to be pretty, I want to be loved, I want to love. But the question is.. why? What for? So what? So what if I am all these things, so what if I have all these things? So what if I don't? Its all just a waste. 




I'm drowning and I can't save you.
Run, run away. 



"From the perfect start, to the finish line."

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Just running through my problems, while running away from my problems.

I always have this super good post written up in my head, while I'm brushing my teeth, walking across the street, just when I'm doing mindless things. And when I actually open up the page to type it, its almost all gone. That's really inconvenient. Is this just a case of mindlessness? Forgetfulness?

This is getting progressively more frustrating. I just feel that over the course of the years (I'm 24 now, gasp!), I've just become.. dumber. I wonder if older people go through this too?? Or they're all learning and gaining tonnes of experience in life and becoming more and more pro at what they do, and then there's me. Why does it feel like I'm just regressing with time? I grew up loving the power, always wanting to be in charge, always taking up the task, always the responsible one. Now I literally run away from the responsibility, run away from the decision making, always letting someone else take charge. I just want to be a really good sidekick now.

I used to have this analogy. Its still pretty applicable now, but I think just slightly less than before. There's the king, he's the leader of the kingdom. Every king has an advisor, the one who tells him what he should and shouldn't do, and as all movies portray it to be, the advisor is the one who holds the real power. I used to be (?) and want to be the advisor. Recently, I just want to be the advisor's right hand man. Is this something every fresh grad feels or am I the one just thoroughly feeling extremely incompetent (and treated as such)?

The motivation is barely there, this is like a punch in the gut to my already low enough self-esteem. Everyday I'm just trying to tell myself "Its okay, you'll get better. Its okay, you'll learn after this. Its okay, you're not that stupid." Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my job. But that's what's bothering me even more. Everyday I go in and I'm like "Yes, let's do work" and then while I'm doing it, there's all these things I can't figure out, can't really ask, can't make decisions about and then it slowly becomes a sad acceptance that sounds like "Just do what you can for now", while knowing that it isn't a good job.

Maybe this doesn't make sense to some people. Maybe I'm just being kiasu. Maybe its just my pride getting bruised (a little too much) and maybe I just expect more from myself. Nowadays I just watch these women around me, so assertive, so smart, so wise and I think to myself maybe I could be them one day, as I have always dreamed to be. But the sad part is like.. thinking that while knowing that I might not make it. I just don't seem to have what it takes (anymore).

I don't understand why its happening, what is happening. Yes, I know that it just sounds like a whole lot of made-up negativity and that I'm just bringing myself down with these unnecessary thoughts. Yes, I know what the world will tell me. "Just stop being so negative, you need to strive for it, fight for what you want, if you want it hard enough, you'll make it."

My brain flits back and forth between being motivated and then completely giving up. I feel that this has been going on for awhile now. I can't seem to focus on anything I am doing, I cannot think, I cannot create, I cannot solve problems, I can barely notice the mistakes even. The intelligence that I so admire in people is really just slipping away from me. I don't even know how to argue now, all I know is just to keep mum because its easier that way. Is it ignorance or just emotional unavailability?

I'm (still) very, very tired. 


" Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong."


"I can't be bothered"

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

"Just a little, not enough to kill me, just enough to cause an annoying yet ignorable pain."

Just in that post where I was trying to figure out what to do with this year, I've set my mind on one thing. Work. This may be like a 'duh' moment to some of you, but since I was so demotivated previously, this was a choice that I really had to put my mind to. Sometimes I do it because I want to, sometimes because I want to not be incompetent, sometimes because I do it because I want to improve, sometimes I do it because I simply have nothing else to do but work.

Its become a norm for me now, I don't stress about staying late. Staying late is almost default now. Its not like I have anywhere or anything to rush to. It took me some time to really grasp the fact that this is something I do now. I got to get up everyday and do these tasks everyday and I got to become good at it at some point. I think almost 6 months in, I'm almost getting there. Understanding that this is my new path.. moving away from the past. My colleague once told me that it would take approximately a year to really absorb and accept the fact that we are no longer students. I still feel like a student some days.

I know when I made this choice, that I am forgoing a lot of other things, by choice. But.. I didn't feel that I had much to choose. Now bigger decisions are coming, and I just wish there was someone I could speak to who knows my position. I was so close to it today, but then.. I didn't want to make it about me.

Its been a really tough February, there was an immense amount of workload, an immense amount of emotional distress and an immense amount of self reflection and way, way, way too little sleep. I don't even know how to elaborate about it at this point.

I'm definitely feeling much calmer now, but unfortunately, it feels like the calm before a storm.

Let's do a quick recap...


Valentine's Day happened. I got really pretty pink flowers and many un-granted wishes. 


 Sister came back and we partied the night away.


 Sister came back for eldest sister's wedding. Listened to Daddy drunk ramble about life and life lessons and everything in between. Still feeling really blessed by everything despite all the ups and downs. We've come a long way. I think all these life events make you realize how far you've come, how much you've lived (and not lived) and who are the ones there along the way. Whoops, getting a little emotional now.


And lastly, Happy (belated) Birthday. You've been a blessing to me too.

 This was a completely random, unplanned post. Just felt like its been a long time since I had time to even sit down with my own laptop and not the company's one.

Recently I feel like there's a lot of life to live but I am just not doing it. Sigh.

Big sigh.  

Exhausted.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017


Relapse.

Monday, February 6, 2017


"Sadness is infinite; the happiness people see is merely a reflection of the sadness that they don't see."



"Would you read the words I wrote you?"

Friday, January 13, 2017

Disclaimer: This post was compiled over the course of 2 months, it may go a little crazy and nothing is in order. 

"The progression of my plot has been steady, especially now as I enter my prime years. Yet for some reason, I can’t help but feel this unfilled void in my life. I can’t help but feel that while my new friends are awesome, there were moments of laughter only you could bring about, memories only you could trigger."

I think I'll miss you this entire season.

*************

"I don't know where I'm going from here, but I promise it won't be boring." —David Bowie

It's 2017. It's 2017. It's 2017.  

This new year came by like a slap across my face. Or like turning a corner and just walking straight into a wall that I didn't know was there. Or maybe the wall sprung into existence when I turned the corner just to have me go face first into it. It seems the universe has a knack in giving me a hard time when it's least wanted. Who am I kidding? Who ever wants a hard time anyway?

I know I'm being a little more cynical than usual as I'm typing this now because I just went through a hell of a week, having one form of illness to another. It's been 6 days, please allow me to rage. I haven't eaten real food, I think I barely wore real clothes, I haven't done anything fun, other than stress about the work that I cannot do because I can't even sit up right for more than an hour because my head hurts so bad, and then it's hot, then it's cold, then I'm running to the toilet every half hour now with a constant pain in my stomach. I just want it to end, sigh.

I did try to take some time to just review my 2016 as well, despite it being much less than ever before because there's just.. no time anymore. Or maybe I don't make that time to let my brain run anymore. However, I did gather one thing about my 2016. It was really a year of letting go (be it willingly, or by force, but mostly unwillingly) and new things. New things, new people, new experiences. I can't say that it was a bad year, it wasn't spectacular, but it wasn't bad indeed. I think that there were just a lot of things that happened that I wished didn't but it still did and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. And I think that I got quite a number of things off my bucket list. Some of it being getting my braces on (finally!), going to Bangkok, going to Perhentian, workcation in Seoul, got a job (?), cut my hair short, and some unmentionables (heh).

Eccentric characters. Last year, I've met quite a number of just really interesting people with special characteristics and while it has been amusing to interact with them, I spent more time observing (as I usually do), usually in admiration. Of how they can be the things I am not, the things I want to be, the things I wish I could be. But despite that, I understand clearer why they've got to be them, and I got to be me. Balance.

As the new year came about... while I anticipated that text, while I wanted to send it but slipped out of my mind from all the chaos, that one new year wish reminded me of my 2016 resolution (HAHA) and how I actually didn't achieve it. But I don't feel too bad about it actually. In fact, I don't really care much for it anymore. I started the year off telling my bestfriend that I was going to get a boyfriend that year and then proceeded to follow through with my plan. But I literally forgot it even existed for this last few months. I think it's just become like a lull, just there.. silently but not daunting me anymore.

I did however freak out a little bit as December came to an end, about being older this year. Omg, my youth is suddenly just passing me by.

Despite everything, I think I will definitely remember my 23rd year of life as a large part of my youth, it's like, season 5 of a long series. I feel like God's definitely a really good writer. His stories are amazing and I am so proud to be the main actress of this movie. Technically it's my movie.

I've been plagued with this uneasy feeling that I can pinpoint comes from where exactly, or what does it even mean. Maybe because I've been sick literally since the year began, and the first day itself was pretty depressing. Oh well, the whole few weeks leading up to the new year was pretty horrible for me anyway. I was being hopeful, looking forward to what the new year could bring, I could be better at my job, I could learn more, do more, I really wanted to. And then... this. I literally went to work for 5 hours this week. I had a list of things to do, which I wanted to, but had to pass off because I was too sick. Ugh, I am so angry. I want to be healthier, but at this moment, my body doesn't even allow me to. I understand by now that this is going to be a tough year (again), but let's not jinx it with all my negativity and pessimism and lack of profound joy.

I have no idea what to feel about this new year, what I should be, what I want. It would be rather demotivating for me to say that I just want to make it through? 2016 was somewhat like that for me too though, I just kinda wanted and waited for it to end. But then 2017 rolled in and... I also just want it to quickly pass me by. Maybe on better days I would say that I would really like to live. You know, live life. Instead of letting the days pass me by.

Hmm, I did that in 2016 though. I did what I wanted on that day. I took some chances, some risks, some high level impulsivity there. But there was always just something missing. I have no idea what it was. While everything was still good, and I am blessed by what I have and by those around me, it was as if I was constantly just looking for something else, something more? Please don't mistake this is unappreciative-ness, I assure you it isn't. I was, am constantly aware of the large amounts of love and care that I receive and I cannot be more grateful for it. I just keep feeling, thinking, that there's something greater. Yet my brain warns me over and over again to not overlook the present. And I listen.

On the other hand, by next month I would have been single for 2 years now. I know that the people who knows me will always say 'you're not really single all the time'. Well, I won't deny that there's always people walking in and out of my life (maybe because I let them) but they also don't see the moments when I am on my own. I did a lot on my own last year, I've had more meals alone than all 23 years of my life combined. But it's all good. I've learnt to embrace those times, somedays I even plan for it now. I say I am single maybe because I (selfishly) have not made any commitments to anyone, did not live for anyone else, did not love anyone (mutually), did not fall in love with anyone (mutually). In fact, everything last year was vague and unsure and even though I felt those feelings, they weren't... plausible. Okay, I am evidently still as confused as before.

Haven't talked about love in awhile now, have I? I feel like I have no idea what I think love is anymore. It's not that I don't know know what love is. I just don't know what it is to me anymore. I haven't thought about love in awhile now. It was like something cancelled out of my life for a point in time when I thought.. I wasn't going to encounter it? I wasn't capable of it? I wasn't ready so I shouldn't try? I have no idea. An idea that plagued me for days and night and suddenly just completely vague. I spent all those time trying to figure out what it is. Now I just see it as a much simpler way of life. I suppose it is a good thing that I am no longer obsessed about love and finding love. But that also makes me a very loveless person I feel, because suddenly it is no longer something I leave lingering in my thoughts, ready for connection (like a neuron in the brain).

It's like I've almost completely lost touch with my emotional side. I probably shut it off for too long. I could make it a point to say that it'll be my resolution to open it this year and get in touch with it again but.. I highly doubt that's going to make any difference. It may become just another disappointment when 2018 rolls in. Oops, the cynicism kicked in again. Someone once told me that I should open the doors and I strongly answered that it is. Maybe it isn't wide open, maybe it's only a little ajar, but it isn't closed. I am open to all possibilities. But that's also one thing that brings me all the problems. Too many possibilities.

If anything's changed at all, I'm more (and more) jaded than before. I am still trying to find good within myself and let it show more often than not. I am still trying to grow as a person, to only be better and a little worse. I am still a combination of good and bad, but unfortunately, that's the way I want it to be.

Maybe I'm going to be a workaholic? Maybe I will find love? Maybe I will travel more? Maybe I will make new friends? Maybe I will become hot (lol)? Maybe I will be successful? Maybe I will be lost? Maybe I will go? Maybe I will stay? 

Oh well. Happy 2017 everyone. 


“Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.”
Mark Twain


"...never the same love twice."

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Caving in.

dis·dain
noun
  1. the feeling that someone or something is unworthy of one's consideration or respect; contempt.


"He's the reason why hurricanes are named after people."

“Let all that you do be done in love.”
— 1 Corinthians 16:14

“Perhaps this is the moment for which you have been created.”
— Esther 4:14

"Where there is light, there is shadow." 


I realised that I really don't like shallowness. Shallow conversations, shallow relationships, shallow texts, shallow thoughts.. shallow water? HAHA. Ok sorry, that was lame.

The insincerity bothers me. The lack of depth bothers me. The emptiness bothers me. Maybe its the thought that.. we could be something better but to be this?? Why??

Maybe that makes people think I'm exhausting. But I don't think that'll change, I'll always crave for something deeper than small talk and empty conversations. I've reached the point where I think even gossip is better than small talk. Its worse, but at least its fun. Ok I sound slightly shallow, but.. #truestorybro

Wow, I'm getting lamer and lamer. I need to destress.

Very random post, but everything relevant. 



"The pictures that you sent me
they're still living in my phone."

Running out of nice to give.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

I miss blogging so much, I just can't seem to find the time, the right mind, the right words, the right mood to write. But to echo my post from awhile back..

Hi there, from the real adult world! (Disclaimer: please imagine me saying it rather enthusiastically, but really, I'm not as pumped up as the exclamation mark implies)

This may or may not be a long update, considering I don't know how much concentration (or how many days) it will take for me to write a full update. 

So, before I found a job, I was somewhat enjoying my unemployment, doing what anyone else would be doing. Sleeping late, waking up late, go for random events when the chance reveals itself, such as the D-CODE water slide in the city thing, drink (a little) and eat and repeat. 


And then I went to Light Sensation, it wasn't great, but then again, I really liked the lights, so I enjoyed myself, let my eye feast on the pretty white roses. 


And then I drank watermelon straight out of a watermelon. 




And as expected, I suppose I did party quite a bit. Haha, there were good nights, and then there were better nights. I think I was really just trying to make the best out of the weekends, the lack of responsibility on the next day and the newfound somewhat party kakis.

While doing all that, I went for many many interviews. I think number of interviews I went to was close to 10. With the grace of God, the last 4 interviews that I went to, I got offers from them. From the dilemma of choosing something I actually want to do, fear of losing an opportunity, comparing the distance and the actual job scope, I eventually choose something that I wanted. The journey was long and tumultuous, it was always laced with the anxiety of having to constantly impress strangers and then trying to stay true to myself. Okay, that came out more dramatic than I expected HAHA. Long story short, I found a job la. 

With that said, my freedom days were now numbered. So my mum and I made a visit to Johor, to somewhat visit my sister. That was going to be my last vacation.. for awhile. I still think JB is boring though. But then again, we were pretty limited in the aspects of company and time flexibility (or the lack thereof).



I've missed you, sister.

Then the first day of work happened! It was nerve wrecking and everything was confusing. Honestly, I think I still get lost in the office now. Every corner of the office looks the same, the tables, the walls, the alley, everything is the same! It took me awhile to even recognize the big boss and then everyone else are still pretty much strangers to me. Its a learning process now, learning every abbreviation they use, learning all the processes, learning all the small tasks. So far, I've been like the multi-purpose helper in the team, I help anyone who needs help with anything, and they just teach me how to do it and I just do as they ask. They are all really nice and friendly so far, I am feeling rather blessed but there's been like a never ending effort on my side just trying to... be friendly and participative. Its been a month in and I've been assigned to my own project now :x
fingers crossed!


Then there was a short, but quite long, meetup with the high school friends, whom I have honestly never seen since 17. Its fair to say that we haven't changed all that much. But now we're more adult, less 'emotionally unstable' and more socially capable. We've really come such a long way, from that small town all girls school. I wished it was less awkward, but I guess reality always wins.


In my efforts to try to 'balance' out my life, I still make it a point to spend time with God, and the church people. We have a new CG leader, there are exciting times ahead. I am the youngest in the cell group and now even I have started working, everything is changing.


I literally don't have any pictures of me "working", that's a good sign right? Hahaha. It means I'm too busy working to take pictures (those who follow me on snapchat will know the real truth).

I finally got to celebrate Halloween this year! All the pasts years, its always exam season in Sunway. Everytime I would see them all dressed up and having so much fun and I'm stuck at home "studying". If no one can tell what I am, I am actually some kind of Egyptian.. princess? Haha, sounds wrong. Just Egyptian la. I was lacking the straight black hair and fringe, gladiator flats and the big flappy gold collar I guess. Who cares, I think I looked pretty alright.


My life has never ceased to be drama-ful, and in the summary of events that I have written up there, many many other things have happened. Good, bad, you name it. Its been a journey, I think I have grown so much in just that 5 months, I've expanded my capacity so much more, and I think I know myself better now. As long as just one person recognizes that I'm not all that bad, I have succeeded in improving myself. 

God has been teaching me the same lesson, I don't know why I keep stubbornly believing that things can be different, that people can be different, that maybe the world isn't such a cold, lonely place. Don't get me wrong, I've actually been feeling rather blessed. I've gotten the opportunity to meet, care and eventually love these new people in my life, yet knowing full well that some are more temporary than others. And if I dare to even say this, everyone is temporary. The only difference is the length of time that they'll actually be in your life for. Acceptance is the key. 

I've learnt to accept the pain that will always come with love. I've become increasingly numb, I'm not sure if this resilience is going to do me any good. I'm not sure which direction I'm heading to right now, but at least, I still like myself (for now) and I know I am blessed in many ways. *gasp* I think God answered my prayer. I always prayed that my heart will be filled with overflowing love. 


"Am I alone in this fight?
Is anybody out there?"






Passing time

Thursday, August 25, 2016

"Someone you'll love too much to ever let down."
I remember some time ago, I was having An Honest Conversation, I can't even remember who I was having it with, and that person told me that I break my own heart (too) when I break someone else's, cause at the end of the day, when they're all over it and shit, I'm still here feeling hurt about it. The truth always hurts.

It's so weird that everyone feels so justified about the things that everyone else is doing but what they don't realize is that they're doing the same thing too. Maybe I'm one of those people too.

Sometimes it's stupidity, sometimes it's love, sometimes it's faith.
Sometimes those three are all the same thing.
Sometimes it's none of those.


Grace is messy, offensive and it sometimes misses church.
--Source

I can’t sleep. I gather that has a lot to do with the fact that I’ve been waking up at irresponsible hours and sleeping when the sun rises. Something I brewing up inside my mind and its hiding from me, I can’t seem to figure it out or force it out of the corners of my mind.

Yet here I am alone at all these wee hours in the mornings day in and day out and I can’t even really figure out what I’m doing. Or what I did. All the days and nights are blending in together and I’m like a combination of tired and not tired at all because I literally do nothing. I should do something.

Some people can really get lost in this transition and I feel like I’ve been holding on so hard to make sure that I don’t really lose touch, so that I’m not going to be deemed as ‘not being successful’ but the whole I don’t know what I want to do is a real struggle.

Yes, this post is all over the place, because maybe that's really how I am right now. Its been awhile since the last update and I just thought maybe I'd write a post to keep my blog updated about how not far I've gone since then.


I don't think I am particularly unhappy about my current situation, I do admit that it isn't the best place to be right now. Stranded in the middle of the tracks with both platforms too far out of reach. This future that everyone keeps talking about, what exactly is it? This is the deciding point and the stress is building up. Its not that I'm not going anywhere, I've been to some interviews, going to some. But I think the part that really bothers me is really the uncertainty of going down that road (if there was a road to head down to).

I think all I really needed is the assurance that God's plans for me is good



Edit: I think I become self destructive when left alone too long. 

Just me and my beach today.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016


So I'm here today. On a beach. On my own. With my own thoughts, the waves constantly pushing me back as I sit here with my phone in a waterproof case typing, real fine sand all over my bum and all I can think of is 'dammit I left my shades in the room, I wish I had it so i wouldn't be squinting at my phone alone in the sea.'


The view is amazing. 


I'm having a better time than I imagined I would. Anyone who knows me would know that I don't like the sun, but here I am on an island far away typing this post under the blaring sun, sitting in the sea. 

Recently I came to find that I'm getting more readers here. I could find it slightly "unsafe" now to write as honestly as I would. Surprisingly enough, I don't actually care anymore. The circumstances can't affect me much anymore. Earlier this year I said that I wanted to be bold, just say what's on my mind. I don't think I've been doing very well so far, but it's not too late to start. I'm getting there. 

It feels like I've just reached a new level now, nothing's changed but that conversation really lifted some weight off me and confirms that I'm not really as crazy because I didn't make all those up in my head; the memories and all those hours of just having each other. I'm not sure if I regret it, maybe just slightly, knowing now that maybe I could have changed things, but also knowing that maybe this is the best case scenario for us. I'll still miss us, everything we were. But maybe now it's time for a new chapter. 

Back here in Perhentian though, there's something to look forward to. Enough with the past. 


I went snorkeling for the first time! Large bodies of water still terrifies me but I have to admit, the experience was so, so worth it. I saw a shark! 



"From the day I met you, I know that I'll love you the day I die.
In my heart, I'll always be sure.
I'll never forget you.."




Drama

Saturday, July 16, 2016


Drama really loves me. My life is just like a special kind of drama. One of its kind. I know, I know, I just have to not overreact and make things all dramatic. I could, but it'll just be less dramatic, but still drama. 

I could, but would I? 

God has weird plans for me, bad timing, tough lessons, plenty of experiences. 

This is a somewhat unnecessary post. 

Today I listened to some girls talk. They were so different from what I know. It was eye-opening and slightly strange. They weren't not smart, they were, but in their words, there was so much... Naiveness. I watched them process their thoughts and attach an emotion to it, it shows on their faces, everything was so easy for them. It was so simple. Something I don't remember being. 

How long has it been now since I was.. Simple? I don't particularly pride in being complicated, I have my ignorant days too, but the truth catches up quickly. If I could rewire my brain, would I choose any differently? 

Will that make me happier? Easier to know, easier to understand? Easier to love? 

Will that make me love easier? 


"It's gonna get easier and easier somehow, 
But not today." 

; in case

Saturday, July 9, 2016

"You have to have courage to love somebody. Because you risk everything. Everything."
- Maya Angelou


 Hi there! From the realms of indefinite holidays and unemployment. In lieu of the new season of life, I decided to give myself a hair transformation (in hopes that it may also change my character, my future). It is now short, red and curly. Sounds like Ronald McDonald's hair, but definitely hotter. Hotter than your McD fries.

So, my results came out and I am officially no longer a student, officially graduated, officially unemployed, officially clueless about what to do with my life now. I am glad, I've survived what could be the last of my formal education with good enough grades. Would it be pompous to say that I'm proud of myself? Well, I am. Because despite what everyone sees, there was a lot of hard work, time, effort, sleepless nights and some breaking down to get to where I am today. Which isn't saying much, because I'm still as lost as ever. On a more positive note though, I made it. 

I've reached a point where I'm basically right in between feeling constant stress about not doing anything about my next steps in life, trying to enjoy just the temporary nothingness and extreme panic and fear for possibly for not having any future at all, because I have no idea what to do.

 Now I'm always in a state of confusion, trying to really decide what I want, if I'm willing to make those sacrifices, if it'll be worth it, if I will be happy, if I can really just accept and love, if I am even capable of love anymore.

The question that begs now: Is this enough? 

Debate

Thursday, June 23, 2016

A lot of times I spend listening to people. Listening to people tell me about their days, listening to them answer my questions, listening to them tell me things I didn't ask, listening to things I'm curious about, listening to things that I don't really care about. Sometimes my mind wanders in the middle of their sentences, forming my own thoughts, listening to my own voice over theirs, sometimes my own conversations, sometimes speaking back to them with words I don't say out loud.

Why have a conversation with them in my head when I can have them in real life? Maybe I didn't want to interrupt them (something I was accused of, and possibly really did back then), maybe I didn't want to impose on their thoughts with my opinions, maybe I didn't want to seem too involved, too concerned, too interested (at times where I really wasn't)

I have these strange ideas now in my mind. Am I being too nice, or am I feigning interest by listening? I know what it feels like to not be heard, to not have someone to talk to, which is why I listen, I try to listen to the things people say, to catch parts of their hearts, to at least, just listen. After all, I noticed, that's really what most people need. This is sincere and genuine. 

And then. The debate ensues. Am I just trying to be sincerely nice and be a listener, or am I being fake?

There are times, I've counted a few by now, in this season of my life, that people say these words to me, so nonchalantly, like as if I don't have any feelings of my own. Like, they're just saying it because they meant it, but in the moment, they failed to realize that maybe those words could possibly, potentially, hurt my feelings. Like I shouldn't have any form of emotional opinion to that matter. Like I should just be okay with everything that they're saying, because after all, I'm only listening. I think I've had my feelings hurt so many times now, but I don't remember the last time I said anything about it. It just became unnecessary, to mention something so small and so irrelevant and so temporary.

I believe I do this too. Accidentally say something completely disregarding the other person's feelings, only to get mine across. It's so hard to be pleasing everyone all the time. And some days I'd feel like 'screw this, I can't be living my life to make everyone happy' and then some days I'll feel like 'what's wrong with putting in the little effort to try not harm anyone'. Still trying to find that in-between. 


I wish I could be more certain about what I feel. Something's keeping me up at night, I need to figure out what it is. These weird, small anxiety attacks are returning. I need to sleep at more normal hours. 


“I must learn to be content with being happier than I deserve.” ― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice


Lucky one

Sunday, June 19, 2016

"I don’t think you ever fall out of love. If you think you’ve fallen out of love, I don’t think you were ever in love in the first place – you were just caught up in the romance."

Freedom has chanced upon me, and right now, I'm grabbing it. I hope I will be taking a break that don't last longer than it should.  



 It was an honestly bittersweet feeling. I couldn't tell if I was more sad that my days as a student is now over, or if I was so glad that I would never have to go through yet another horrible exam season again. But with that said, I think my heart was tugging more on the friends I knew, I'd rarely see again (as if I already see them a lot). Like I mentioned before, I love being a student, I'm so good at being a student, just to have somewhere to belong, some friends to belong to. I think the sudden loss of it all made me just a tad bit sadder than I usually am. Its the feeling of knowing that today, I will lose my best friend.

As of now, I have not yet feel the urge to return to that place, the orange halls that I used to roam in and that big foyer where I used to walk past swiftly with my head down because it is so scary to have to many people stare at you (although mainly, nobody gives a shit). I would miss those days where we decide if we're too lazy to go to eat in Pyramid or its too hot to eat at Rock, or if we would skip that class or those days I spent checking out girls with all my (guy) friends. 

Next step in life: Sleep like a normal human being.  
So, the moment my freedom began, my sister literally came back for 16 hours and in all those 16 hours, neither of us slept. We took the time to celebrate Father's Day earlier, and then the party begun.


My sister who decided to embrace her China-doll look. Twas' a good night, as it always is with us. Heh. 

 

 It was definitely a pretty eventful night, somewhat disturbing as well (girls please be careful not to get too drunk with someone who doesn't care enough about you in the club). Lol, I'm giving advice like I'm so pro like that. 

Mummy has been here the same weekend my finals ended and I have been on daughter duties and like.. driver duties. Who thought the day would ever come that I become the driver instead? The consequences of growing up :/ 


And while mummy is forever in her shades, we celebrated her birthday! Turning 48 years young. Happy, happy birthday, mummy! I know we're growing up so fast, although it seems you really enjoy us being so old now, I still like being the youngest child of the family. Thank you for everything you have given and sacrificed for us, I love you always. 


"Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong."


Sucker for the wild ones.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

"as if i was already not these things
before i met you.
as if i did not remain all these
once you left.”

There it is, the procrastination post. Finals is in a week (I was saying two weeks last week, but now its really down to a week and I'm secretly petrified) and I think I am pretty much screwed if I don't start now. Today my stepmom was telling me how relieved she was when she finally started working because she enjoyed working and making real results instead.

For awhile now, I didn't want to go into the workforce (instead, i'll just join unemployment). But today, like right now, at this current moment, this current moment after I just encountered a snake, it looked me in the eye and I turned around and ran, and I am still alive, I am thinking, maybe I am also quite done with studying. Or am I? Maybe I'll change my mind again right after finals and I'm just as lost as all the other twenty-somethings trying to figure out where to go in life. But right now, I think its not such a bad thing to be done with studying. We all just want to be something.

I have realised that I find it so hard to let go of this phase in life because it really is, the one thing I'm good at (so far). That is being a student. Haha, I do well at sleeping past 3am and missing all my Monday morning classes and partying on a Friday night, doing my assignments a day before and still submitting on time, with a piece that is not as shitty as I imagined, having long group meetings and planning for presentations and projects and doing just pretty well as a student. But I've always doubted if I would still excel if I was no longer a student? Would I?

Fear is natural, I get that part.

Lets just pull through another few weeks, then spend those sleepless nights trying to figure out a path for the future while I spend these sleepless nights "studying". So far, the "holiday" has been good. Let's try to create a new pattern now. The stress pattern, haha. When did I get so lame.

But first, a little recap. 


On the 29th of May, I had some really good salmon, and for the first time ever, wagyu beef. It was so good, but I know it would have been ever better if I was not wearing braces.


Thank you for the birthday treat, for the good company, for the all the laughter and also the good-emo songs.

Also, I withstood the heat of the afternoon and the large crowd of people which gives me anxiety to go visit Omar at this convocation (although technically I was there after) and I am so proud of you! I'll be the next, and possibly last of all of us to graduate. But its alright, now that you're back in Malaysia.


And then, the party was on. Its so good to finally party with Omar again, and some new friends ;) thanks for a great night, guys.


Also, I got a very, very pretty snowflake necklace as a birthday present! My first snowflake, trust that it will be cherished.  


Procrastination over. Please go study, self, please


"Crashing, hit a wall
Right now I need a miracle
Hurry up now,
I need a miracle
"

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