I can't read her

Monday, December 3, 2018

"언제라도 너의 곁에 빈자리가 나면 날 봐주겠니멀어지는 손 니가 잡아준다면 세상 눈부실 텐데
If someday there’s no one by your side, will you look at me? If you hold my distant hand, the world would shine brightly."

This song talks about being someone's best friend, a secret love. 

"너 아니면 나 중 한 명은 바보떠나지도 다가가지도 못하고
You or me, one of us is a fool, can’t leave nor get closer to each other."

I've loved a number of people in my life. They were all real and at that exact moment, maybe I found that I could not love anyone or anything else more. Everyone has that One Great Love, I really can't tell if I've had mine, but maybe if you're comparing every love to that one, then maybe I did. 

It was the best and the worst, all at the same time. 

Some loved me more, some didn't love me at all and some didn't know that I loved them. 

There's absolutely no point to this post, other than the fact that my mind's going all crazy wondering why all this is happening to me and why I keep making decisions like this. 

"If you see her

Tell her that she’s fcked it, I can’t read her
We both know she’s not perfect either
But if she says she loves me, let me see her."
- Lany

what you don't know won't kill you

Monday, November 19, 2018

"So if love is nothing more than just a waste of your time
Waste it on me"

There's a lot of pain in this world. On days where it hits me the hardest, I think to myself 'human aren't made to withstand this much pain'. But are we? 

I'm asking the same questions now.

"왜 사느냐 물었다. 그냥. 그냥. 다들 그냥 산단다.
왜 죽으냐 물으면 지쳤다 하겠다."

Why do people live? Just, just because. People just live.
Why do people die? They'd say they were tired.

Some people choose to live, to go through it all, the good, the bad, the pain, the joy. Maybe these people have the ability to program their minds to turn the bad into less bad. Maybe they were lucky, lucky to have just a little, slightly more joy in their lives. Maybe they got saved. 

Some people choose not to. Some people just can't? Some people just decide to stop feeling all those things, stop trying, stop surviving, no hope, no strength, no choice, no more. 

So what makes the difference? Between these two types of people, between the ones who lives and the ones who choose to die? Why do people live? Why do people die? Do people just live because they got no reason to die? Do people just die because they got no reason to live? Do people stay alive for no reason at all other than the fact that it seems to be our default state? 

Our default state is to be alive. I literally laughed at that statement as I typed it. This statement takes all the meaning out of it, doesn't it? What if rebelling meant to not be in our default state, and that meant to no longer be alive? Are we all just waiting to die? It feels like that's how I've been living. 

“Loving you was dumb, dark and cheap
Loving you still takes shots at me
Found loving you was sunshine, but then it poured,"

It's pouring.

정말 고생했어.

You've done a good job. 

Judgemental eyes and fake smiles

Friday, October 26, 2018

Every moment was laced with some kind of emptiness, in knowing that these are temporary, trying so hard to give it meaning. But alas, it all sums up to nothing.

There is a price to pay, most times I'm willing to pay it. It's not regret, it's a mere wondering of what it would be if I made different choices.

"You lied to me, this is exactly how I imagined it to be, but you told me it wasn't going to be."

If I went under a wave and never came back up. If I walked out and never turned back. If I was stronger. If I dared. If I did something, if I did nothing.

No if would make me change. The hell is wrong with you, self. Maybe, just maybe, you deserve this.

"I'm sorry I exist." 

Your life would be better if I didn't exist. Heck, my life would be better if I didn't exist. 

"When you look at me, the whole world fades,
I'll always remember you this way."
-- Lady Gaga

Gentle reminder

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

I'm speaking to the ones with the good hearts, and the ones I've been the good heart to. I've received a lot of love and kindness too, despite all those heartbreaks, those of which I always remember. I remember those moments when I sit alone and my heart is full. That feeling that in that specific moment, you are important. Be it a nice, kind text, an act of kindness, a free milo, a little kiss on the side of your forehead, a tight hug, an offer of the last biscuit, a sip of someone else's favourite drink, the list goes on and on. This is just to serve as a gentle reminder, your good heart, you need to keep it good. For as long as you can. Love your good heart the way you love someone else's good heart.  


The new environment brings new memories (which will somehow turn bad later) and hopefully distances me away from the old one. Here, I'm more alone, suddenly there's a lot more space. In my deep, dark place, I may get lost here alone, but hopefully it'll make me feel more.. at home

In a way, this should be a new beginning. I was so focused just getting out of there I didn't really begin to think of the implications. I only thought of one, but that one doesn't last. Now I'm sitting here in my new chair typing this and I feel maybe I should take a step back and evaluate where this is bringing me. It's like I inadvertently took a step forward in my life and then I'm here and maybe in a few more steps forward, I'd suddenly realise there's nothing here but me, alone. Then it'll become another mission, maybe by then it'll be a race because I'll be older and maybe wiser and then there'll come that wave of 'get your shit together' and I'll drown

Ok, drama queen Jill showed up. 

Disregarding all the drama, there are many things to be grateful for. Just needed to ground myself a little bit. All these in-betweens getting the best of me. Is it an innate human flaw to always try to believe that I deserve better than this and at the same time knowing that I'm not good enough for much? 

"There's an art to life's distractions
To somehow escape the burning weight, the art of scraping through
Some like to imagine the dark caress of someone else
I guess any thrill will do."

Just more 'what ifs'

Monday, August 27, 2018

What if I said something? What if I told the truth? What if I stopped playing along? What if I went behind your back and stopped lying?

"All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something"
- Matchbox Twenty, Unwell

I sleep too much, and I sleep too little. And tomorrow's still good for nothing.

Nope, I am still not well. I doubt I would be for awhile. A much longer while.

I saw a glimpse of freedom awhile ago. I hate that I felt that small, small relief. I hate that I am not relieved. I hate that 'normal' is the best solution.

I've been throwing myself a pity party all weekend, please excuse me, it is my blog afterall. I am angry, I am sad, I feel helpless, I feel like I need a voice, I feel like I have too much to lose, I feel like I have nothing at all. They weren't kidding when they said INTJs live in contradictions.

Why do I need to apologize for having feelings? Why do I have to apologize that having feelings sometimes screws things up very much?

你要我說多難堪 / You want me to say it, it is very embarrassing
我根本不想分開 / I just don't want us to part
為什麼還要我用微笑來帶過 / Why do I still come across with a smile?
我沒有這種天份 / I do not have this kind of talent

an idea

Saturday, July 21, 2018

"You wear the face of someone I loved."

I said your name today. As the word left my mouth, my fingers curled and my insides did triple flips. I'm trying to be polite here, but my soul almost died that day.


I don't think I'll ever be ready for part 2. There's no amount of preparation that could make this any easier to go through. I don't really recognize myself anymore. Like I can't say that I'm proud of myself for making this far, neither can I really admit how pathetic it might be at some times. I can't say that it isn't worth it, but neither can I say that the all this is okay.

So all I am is stuck in my infamous state of being indecisive and selfish and unable to lose what I do not have. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Every good moment is laced with some hidden hurt that's bound to hit me. I'm afraid to laugh because I fear the bad things that will follow. I've been entertaining too many what ifs. What if nothing happened? What if I didn't do anything? What if I walked away? What if nothing ever happened? Am I missing out on life? Maybe. Maybe not. 

I've had reality slap me in the face one too many times this year. So I keep thinking and thinking and thinking.. is this still karma? God, please help me. 

Why do all memories end up becoming bad memories? These days, more and more I question myself, how the hell did I get tangled up in this? 

Bad decisions.
Bad, bad decisions. 

Burning all the numbers

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

“I want you forever 
Even when we’re not together
Scars on my body so I can take you wherever
I want you forever
Even when we’re not together
Scars on my body I can look at you whenever”

-- Bad Things, Camila Cabello

So, phase 2 begins. I've mostly made it through the first phase with some scratches and earned some scars, but at least I made it? Now it's June, and it's going to go up one level on difficulty but I think at least.. I've taken the time to guard my heart and to rewire my mind.

I believe I will still have these moments where I'll need to recollect myself, somehow gather some strength, cry, break down, breathe, and start all over again.

I have no idea what's going to happen. But, I shit you not, bad things always happen.

This eternal tiredness I feel, it doesn't ever go away, does it?

"The painful scream that I heard last"

Monday, June 4, 2018

What is personal integrity? 
I’ll define this from one of my favourite books. 
1. conforming reality to our words” 
2. being loyal to those who are not present” 
-- Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Everyday, I need to try to convince myself that I do not want that. I don't. But I definitely do not want this too. Sorry, the whining is literally going to continue and continue because it's a daily struggle. I don't really want to 'shut the hell up and pull myself together'. I do that in real life, this is why this blog exists.

Integrity. Loyal to those who are not present. This hit me a little harder than I expected. In this definition, I'm wondering how much integrity do I have? I'm wondering if there are people who are even 'loyal to me' when I'm not present. I doubt. I wish I didn't, but I do. In my self reflection, I realize that this may not be something I fully practice, at least not to the extent that I wish I could. I don't think this kind of loyalty exists anymore in this time we live in. But that's just me saying that I don't have as much personal integrity as I wish I do.

I think the point of this post was that upon reading this, I remember these certain many times that I find out that the people whom I care for (who supposedly care for me too) have not been 'loyal' when I wasn't present and it just hit home a little. Home being the usual place of casual hurt and sadness.

Since when hurt became casual? 

"Every night is a big blur
I can't get a hold of my temper
Ain't no one to depend on
I'm falling down and I'm holding it all by a thread now

This ain't my finest hour
Might see my flaws today
My words are out of order
Maybe my drink's to blame
Emptying all my pockets
'Til I don't feel a thing"

-- Cash Cash, Finest Hour

But most days, I am wondering 'what does it feel like to be in love?' 

Do I talk too much?

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

"There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move." --Matchbox Twenty

So it seems like the other day when I made the decision to continue screwing myself over in life and it's often I do not understand why I make such decisions. It feels right, but it's also terribly wrong. Which one do I ignore? I'm testing myself everyday, pushing and pushing the limits.

It could be worse, it could be better. We can only wait to find out now. I don't know how I am making such ignorant decisions and yet hoping for the best outcome. I don't trust myself in human judgement now, everybody talks. Says things, do whatever it takes, almost always for selfish reasons. And as usual I am here wondering if there's ever a chance for humanity.

They've thrown out all your things, something I should be doing too.

I would have loved you

Sunday, May 20, 2018

I think in time there will come a day when you wake up
and think of me and the only words that will come to mind will be,
"What have I done?"

I hope you regret this. 

I will

Saturday, May 12, 2018

"I know what I am --not much." 

"It's been raining since you left me
Now I'm drowning in the flood."

At this point I’m just sitting around wondering how I am going to move past this. There’s that sadistic side of me that just wants to sit in the pool of tears and uhh.. Cry. It’s taking it's time to sink in. It should come in like a tsunami and just like destroy everything and be on it's way. That way I can slowly move into like fixing things and restoring life. But no, it’s not happening that way. This is like a superbly long monsoon where it just rains and rains and it doesn’t stop. It never stops. There’s no short break of sunlight, there’s no rainbow. There’s just rain and more rain. The sky never brightens, the paths are never dry. The water is pooling and the water level is increasing ever so slowly, never lets me get comfortable. Then it gets harder and harder to breathe. There’s no room to breathe.

And then it ends.
It ends.

It better f*cking end.

"Take a look at my face
There's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you."
-- Bon Jovi, Always

"I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all."

Which side wins?

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

There is an affinity that I wish I could ignore, to make this as meaningless as it can be. But there's a large black hole of emptiness that is sucking away all the life in me. It's a gnawing loud, big, big amount of nothingness.  

So, as meaningless as I try to make it, there's this silent scream that is constantly deafening me. I can't explain this. Just the other day I think I said something along the lines of like feeling lighter, like a guilty weight lifted off my shoulders. But I should have known better. It hadn't kicked in.

But, now it has. 

I'd like to say I'm not ready for this, not ready at all. But when am I ever, right? We're going to go through this faking it until we make it. We, being the loud-ass scream in my head and that gaping black hole. It's everywhere, in everything I see and do and feel. Sanity is quite hard to come by these days.

It's here now, the month of May. Honestly, every year, this is the month that I dread the most. And historically, Mays have been the worst for the last few years. I can't remember the last time I looked forward to May. This is the beginning of the reality that I refused. I had refused for almost an entire year now and it's come as a slap across the face.

It's the push off the cliff, one that I might need to soar, but one that could very well kill me too.

"This is not goodbye."
In my mind, all I hear is, 'liar'.

Still falling, 
still falling everyday. 


Sunday, April 22, 2018

“And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call, she won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead”

—Robbie Williams, Angels

See, it's so, so easy to curate a life on social media. This is what we are now, its going to a never ending battle if you try to fight it. Its so easy to take a photo of someone else's drinks, so easy to take photo of bright lights and someone else's conversation, laughter, and joy and suddenly everyone believes you're happy and you're okay and your life is great.

But at the end of the day, everyone's looking at the screens of their phones. 

When you're sad, you post a black photo and have these super small texts at the corner, hoping someone sees it and understands what you feel. When you're sad, you write a short tweet and hope someone stops and looks a little while to understand what you feel. When you're sad, you take a selfie of a tear rolling down your face, and people start to flood your DMs asking if you're okay. When you're sad, you write a vague blog post and hope someone reads it. Anyone.

But at the end of the day, everyone's looking at the screens of their phones looking at someone else's scream for help and wishing someone sees theirs. 

All these are happening, no judgement. I'm here to admit that I fall prey to all these exact things (except the black photo and small texts or crying selfies).

Last night, A Very Bad Thing happened and I instantly became ice cold and my heart feels like its about to explode from extreme palpitations and my hands are shaking from the anxiety but I was with people I can't exactly share my life problems with. Is it shame? Is it distrust? Is it fear? And in a split second I had to make sure I got my expression under control and my voice didn't shake as I try to fake another laughter to be 'present' in their presence. But everything else was happening. Inside, under, everything was crumbling.

So what happened? Nothing. I braced through the night trying to hold it together. But in my desperate need to scream and run, what I did instead, was post a smiling selfie and pretended like I was enjoying my night out with friends I hadn't seen in awhile.

The filter made me look pretty, the hearts made it look like mine wasn't breaking. But as I posted that, I paused for a second, wildly aware that I was doing it. I was doing what everyone else does, it felt like it was the only way I could subtly and immediately express my pain hoping that it alleviates the crushing that was happening just a little bit.

I wondered, why am I doing this? What am I trying to achieve? Am I seeking for attention? Am I curating that perfect life for people to see? Am I trying to call for help? Am I trying to have a picture to remind me of the pain I felt that day?

But the real question is, aren't we all?

And here I am wondering again, is there no other way? When was the last time you told your bestfriend your heart was breaking as it was breaking? When was the last time you had a real conversation about real hurt and real life heartaches? When was the last time I did any of these?

What is the point of this blog post? To some people, I am just seeking for attention. To some people, 'she just wanted to post the nice selfie she took'. To some people, I am just being dramatic. To some people, I am writing down some sincere thoughts. To very few people, I am hurt.

I'll admit, it's probably all of the above.

Sometime ago, I wrote about helplessness. And in that post, I was motivated and strong. I would not let myself feel helpless again, she said. But even in that post, she knew it was going to happen again.

And here it is. 

"I'm not superman, 
but I love you the best I can
I am just flesh and bones"

I would have loved you, but I shall not.

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

“…my head drops towards the ground, not only so I no longer have to see the world, but so the world no longer can, nor has to see me.”

So I have reached another level of low in my life. Nothing's looking up. And apparently neither am I. Let's not forget what I am feeling today, so that the pain reminds me everyday to never, ever let that happen again. Never let your guard down again, never believe liars, never forgive people who do not deserve it.

From the bottom of every little piece of my heart, let this be over quickly. I cannot do this anymore. Let this month go by, and let next month never come. Its only downhill from here. I cannot really pretend anymore, I've reached the threshold now. Its all spilling, and I am tired. Please just let me break. I don't want to die, but I question why I can't.

I will remember the words you said, and remember that you do not mean them. Let this be over when you walk out that door.

Sometimes freedom could mean getting lost. Sometimes, it means you will not find your way back. Sometimes, that got to be okay.

A decent melodrama

Sunday, February 25, 2018

So, hello February.

And nothing has changed. I'm going to be a quarter of a century old this year and I am losing my mind. This is like the infamous quarter century old crisis that I've seen many people go through. There's just something about these numbers that make changes something in your mind. Something, like a little spark that went off in your head at a place that's never been lighted before. Its not a massive spark (like the beautiful fireworks that went off last night) but more like a small bright light that's constantly blinking so you don't forget that its there.

I haven't written in awhile, definitely rusty now.

Chinese New Year has more or less ended by now. Ok fine, its actually like halfway through. These are the kind of occasions that make you realize even more, that we're aging. And its not just myself, its everyone else too. Like all of a sudden, the baby you used to carry can now walk and talk (and scream), and the aunties you were a kid to, are now sprouting more gray hair than before. And then you realise, you're also no longer the kid they used to know. Now we all drive, we work, we earn our own money, we don't necessarily need all that taking care of they did for us back then.

I don't want to grow up. It suddenly dawned upon me some days ago, that I have like many memories. They replay and replay in my head everyday. Echoing my previous post, perhaps I am harboring so much discontentment for my life right now that all I keep thinking about is how it used to be, how I used to be. And as the years goes by, I just have more and more to look back on, even if it was just last year.

"Caught up in the touch
Slow and steady rush
Isn't that the way that love's suppose to be?"
-- Faith Hill, Breathe

I'm not going to lie, there's this constant ache, more like a lull in the back of my head everyday, how I still haven't found someone to call my own. I don't focus on it as much. Just the other day my boss was telling me "Jill, there's two things in life you shouldn't do. One, don't get married. Two, don't have kids." While I don't want either of those things right now, but it just reminded me that I don't exactly have anyone. I laughed and told him that I've been single for a long time now, in which he replied, "Yeah, but you're happy now, no? You're smiling." 

I'm not exactly unhappy, but I'm definitely not happy. There isn't really anyone to share my lack of unhappiness with too. Okay, yeah. I'm always moping about my single-ness, but still appreciating the freedom very much. There isn't anyone I am willing to choose, but funny enough, at this point, there isn't anyone willing to choose me either.

There's a bunch of stuff that's happened, a lot of nothingness. This never ending roller coaster ride I'm on. I've reached my limits though. Every single time it happens I ask myself, how the hell do I keep allowing this to happen? How do I keep letting people treat me this way? How do I stop being pushed around? I am losing my shit again. The horror of my 21 year old self is resurfacing and honestly, it scares me more than the people on the receiving end of it. I'm so scared of that old self, the one I tried to change and bury. Trust me, I had buried that well. Apparently there's a certain type of people, and a certain amount of pain and attacks that can dig that ghost back out. Its like the zombie they talk about. The ghost who came back to life suddenly, usually unwelcome.

I hear myself talk and I hate the words coming out of my mouth. I witness the way my thoughts are twisted and turned and I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the way it makes me as a person. I am not that person anymore, but I guess I am now. How long and how much will it take to bury that again? I think what I hated the most, is that same incident of extreme sense of betrayal and manipulation that made me feel and act that way. I think that to any 3rd person, heck, even the person involved, none of this makes sense. I've gotten quite bad in explaining my feelings, people don't understand, don't listen, don't know and don't care to. I can't exactly explain what's happening. I just think it needs to stop. Please save me from myself, I'm scared.

Today my dad was giving one of his speeches, when we're alone and nobody interrupts him. "We just have to accept that some people are the way they are. If 9 out of 10 people say that you are like this, you probably are. You just need to accept it." Well, I think I have come to learn that this is who I am right now. I do this now, this is how I react now. And this is how people will keep seeing me. Some will appreciate it, some will take advantage of it.

Lol, I'm beginning to forget what I actually wanted to write about. Growing up. Yes. Its just this whole new year thing and growing old thing making me think now about what I want to do, what I want to own, where do I go from here? I feel that push to make a move now, being stagnant for the last few years in my denial that I have to be a grown up. I think acceptance is finally kicking in.

Still waiting for the day I that I will feel that way.

Patience is virtue. 

Total Views



Follow us on FaceBook



Email *

Message *