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Saturday, July 21, 2018

"You wear the face of someone I loved."

I said your name today. As the word left my mouth, my fingers curled and my insides did triple flips. I'm trying to be polite here, but my soul almost died that day.

**************

I don't think I'll ever be ready for part 2. There's no amount of preparation that could make this any easier to go through. I don't really recognize myself anymore. Like I can't say that I'm proud of myself for making this far, neither can I really admit how pathetic it might be at some times. I can't say that it isn't worth it, but neither can I say that the all this is okay.

So all I am is stuck in my infamous state of being indecisive and selfish and unable to lose what I do not have. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Every good moment is laced with some hidden hurt that's bound to hit me. I'm afraid to laugh because I fear the bad things that will follow. I've been entertaining too many what ifs. What if nothing happened? What if I didn't do anything? What if I walked away? What if nothing ever happened? Am I missing out on life? Maybe. Maybe not. 

I've had reality slap me in the face one too many times this year. So I keep thinking and thinking and thinking.. is this still karma? God, please help me. 


Why do all memories end up becoming bad memories? These days, more and more I question myself, how the hell did I get tangled up in this? 

Bad decisions.
Bad, bad decisions. 

Burning all the numbers

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

“I want you forever 
Even when we’re not together
Scars on my body so I can take you wherever
I want you forever
Even when we’re not together
Scars on my body I can look at you whenever”

-- Bad Things, Camila Cabello

So, phase 2 begins. I've mostly made it through the first phase with some scratches and earned some scars, but at least I made it? Now it's June, and it's going to go up one level on difficulty but I think at least.. I've taken the time to guard my heart and to rewire my mind.

I believe I will still have these moments where I'll need to recollect myself, somehow gather some strength, cry, break down, breathe, and start all over again.

I have no idea what's going to happen. But, I shit you not, bad things always happen.

This eternal tiredness I feel, it doesn't ever go away, does it?

"The painful scream that I heard last"

Monday, June 4, 2018

What is personal integrity? 
I’ll define this from one of my favourite books. 
1. conforming reality to our words” 
2. being loyal to those who are not present” 
-- Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Everyday, I need to try to convince myself that I do not want that. I don't. But I definitely do not want this too. Sorry, the whining is literally going to continue and continue because it's a daily struggle. I don't really want to 'shut the hell up and pull myself together'. I do that in real life, this is why this blog exists.

Integrity. Loyal to those who are not present. This hit me a little harder than I expected. In this definition, I'm wondering how much integrity do I have? I'm wondering if there are people who are even 'loyal to me' when I'm not present. I doubt. I wish I didn't, but I do. In my self reflection, I realize that this may not be something I fully practice, at least not to the extent that I wish I could. I don't think this kind of loyalty exists anymore in this time we live in. But that's just me saying that I don't have as much personal integrity as I wish I do.

I think the point of this post was that upon reading this, I remember these certain many times that I find out that the people whom I care for (who supposedly care for me too) have not been 'loyal' when I wasn't present and it just hit home a little. Home being the usual place of casual hurt and sadness.

Since when hurt became casual? 


"Every night is a big blur
I can't get a hold of my temper
Ain't no one to depend on
I'm falling down and I'm holding it all by a thread now

This ain't my finest hour
Might see my flaws today
My words are out of order
Maybe my drink's to blame
Emptying all my pockets
'Til I don't feel a thing"

-- Cash Cash, Finest Hour


But most days, I am wondering 'what does it feel like to be in love?' 


Do I talk too much?

Wednesday, May 23, 2018



"There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move." --Matchbox Twenty


So it seems like the other day when I made the decision to continue screwing myself over in life and it's often I do not understand why I make such decisions. It feels right, but it's also terribly wrong. Which one do I ignore? I'm testing myself everyday, pushing and pushing the limits.

It could be worse, it could be better. We can only wait to find out now. I don't know how I am making such ignorant decisions and yet hoping for the best outcome. I don't trust myself in human judgement now, everybody talks. Says things, do whatever it takes, almost always for selfish reasons. And as usual I am here wondering if there's ever a chance for humanity.

They've thrown out all your things, something I should be doing too.




I would have loved you

Sunday, May 20, 2018


I think in time there will come a day when you wake up
and think of me and the only words that will come to mind will be,
"What have I done?"



I hope you regret this. 

I will

Saturday, May 12, 2018

"I know what I am --not much." 



"It's been raining since you left me
Now I'm drowning in the flood."


At this point I’m just sitting around wondering how I am going to move past this. There’s that sadistic side of me that just wants to sit in the pool of tears and uhh.. Cry. It’s taking it's time to sink in. It should come in like a tsunami and just like destroy everything and be on it's way. That way I can slowly move into like fixing things and restoring life. But no, it’s not happening that way. This is like a superbly long monsoon where it just rains and rains and it doesn’t stop. It never stops. There’s no short break of sunlight, there’s no rainbow. There’s just rain and more rain. The sky never brightens, the paths are never dry. The water is pooling and the water level is increasing ever so slowly, never lets me get comfortable. Then it gets harder and harder to breathe. There’s no room to breathe.

And then it ends.
It ends.

It better f*cking end.



"Take a look at my face
There's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you."
-- Bon Jovi, Always




"I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all."



Which side wins?

Wednesday, May 2, 2018


There is an affinity that I wish I could ignore, to make this as meaningless as it can be. But there's a large black hole of emptiness that is sucking away all the life in me. It's a gnawing loud, big, big amount of nothingness.  




So, as meaningless as I try to make it, there's this silent scream that is constantly deafening me. I can't explain this. Just the other day I think I said something along the lines of like feeling lighter, like a guilty weight lifted off my shoulders. But I should have known better. It hadn't kicked in.

But, now it has. 

I'd like to say I'm not ready for this, not ready at all. But when am I ever, right? We're going to go through this faking it until we make it. We, being the loud-ass scream in my head and that gaping black hole. It's everywhere, in everything I see and do and feel. Sanity is quite hard to come by these days.

It's here now, the month of May. Honestly, every year, this is the month that I dread the most. And historically, Mays have been the worst for the last few years. I can't remember the last time I looked forward to May. This is the beginning of the reality that I refused. I had refused for almost an entire year now and it's come as a slap across the face.




It's the push off the cliff, one that I might need to soar, but one that could very well kill me too.

"This is not goodbye."
In my mind, all I hear is, 'liar'.


Still falling, 
still falling everyday. 


Undeserving

Sunday, April 22, 2018

“And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call, she won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead”

—Robbie Williams, Angels

See, it's so, so easy to curate a life on social media. This is what we are now, its going to a never ending battle if you try to fight it. Its so easy to take a photo of someone else's drinks, so easy to take photo of bright lights and someone else's conversation, laughter, and joy and suddenly everyone believes you're happy and you're okay and your life is great.

But at the end of the day, everyone's looking at the screens of their phones. 

When you're sad, you post a black photo and have these super small texts at the corner, hoping someone sees it and understands what you feel. When you're sad, you write a short tweet and hope someone stops and looks a little while to understand what you feel. When you're sad, you take a selfie of a tear rolling down your face, and people start to flood your DMs asking if you're okay. When you're sad, you write a vague blog post and hope someone reads it. Anyone.

But at the end of the day, everyone's looking at the screens of their phones looking at someone else's scream for help and wishing someone sees theirs. 

All these are happening, no judgement. I'm here to admit that I fall prey to all these exact things (except the black photo and small texts or crying selfies).

Last night, A Very Bad Thing happened and I instantly became ice cold and my heart feels like its about to explode from extreme palpitations and my hands are shaking from the anxiety but I was with people I can't exactly share my life problems with. Is it shame? Is it distrust? Is it fear? And in a split second I had to make sure I got my expression under control and my voice didn't shake as I try to fake another laughter to be 'present' in their presence. But everything else was happening. Inside, under, everything was crumbling.

So what happened? Nothing. I braced through the night trying to hold it together. But in my desperate need to scream and run, what I did instead, was post a smiling selfie and pretended like I was enjoying my night out with friends I hadn't seen in awhile.



The filter made me look pretty, the hearts made it look like mine wasn't breaking. But as I posted that, I paused for a second, wildly aware that I was doing it. I was doing what everyone else does, it felt like it was the only way I could subtly and immediately express my pain hoping that it alleviates the crushing that was happening just a little bit.

I wondered, why am I doing this? What am I trying to achieve? Am I seeking for attention? Am I curating that perfect life for people to see? Am I trying to call for help? Am I trying to have a picture to remind me of the pain I felt that day?

But the real question is, aren't we all?

And here I am wondering again, is there no other way? When was the last time you told your bestfriend your heart was breaking as it was breaking? When was the last time you had a real conversation about real hurt and real life heartaches? When was the last time I did any of these?

What is the point of this blog post? To some people, I am just seeking for attention. To some people, 'she just wanted to post the nice selfie she took'. To some people, I am just being dramatic. To some people, I am writing down some sincere thoughts. To very few people, I am hurt.

I'll admit, it's probably all of the above.

Sometime ago, I wrote about helplessness. And in that post, I was motivated and strong. I would not let myself feel helpless again, she said. But even in that post, she knew it was going to happen again.

And here it is. 



"I'm not superman, 
but I love you the best I can
I am just flesh and bones"


I would have loved you, but I shall not.

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

“…my head drops towards the ground, not only so I no longer have to see the world, but so the world no longer can, nor has to see me.”

So I have reached another level of low in my life. Nothing's looking up. And apparently neither am I. Let's not forget what I am feeling today, so that the pain reminds me everyday to never, ever let that happen again. Never let your guard down again, never believe liars, never forgive people who do not deserve it.

From the bottom of every little piece of my heart, let this be over quickly. I cannot do this anymore. Let this month go by, and let next month never come. Its only downhill from here. I cannot really pretend anymore, I've reached the threshold now. Its all spilling, and I am tired. Please just let me break. I don't want to die, but I question why I can't.

I will remember the words you said, and remember that you do not mean them. Let this be over when you walk out that door.

Sometimes freedom could mean getting lost. Sometimes, it means you will not find your way back. Sometimes, that got to be okay.


A decent melodrama

Sunday, February 25, 2018

So, hello February.

And nothing has changed. I'm going to be a quarter of a century old this year and I am losing my mind. This is like the infamous quarter century old crisis that I've seen many people go through. There's just something about these numbers that make changes something in your mind. Something, like a little spark that went off in your head at a place that's never been lighted before. Its not a massive spark (like the beautiful fireworks that went off last night) but more like a small bright light that's constantly blinking so you don't forget that its there.

I haven't written in awhile, definitely rusty now.

Chinese New Year has more or less ended by now. Ok fine, its actually like halfway through. These are the kind of occasions that make you realize even more, that we're aging. And its not just myself, its everyone else too. Like all of a sudden, the baby you used to carry can now walk and talk (and scream), and the aunties you were a kid to, are now sprouting more gray hair than before. And then you realise, you're also no longer the kid they used to know. Now we all drive, we work, we earn our own money, we don't necessarily need all that taking care of they did for us back then.

I don't want to grow up. It suddenly dawned upon me some days ago, that I have like many memories. They replay and replay in my head everyday. Echoing my previous post, perhaps I am harboring so much discontentment for my life right now that all I keep thinking about is how it used to be, how I used to be. And as the years goes by, I just have more and more to look back on, even if it was just last year.

"Caught up in the touch
Slow and steady rush
Isn't that the way that love's suppose to be?"
-- Faith Hill, Breathe

I'm not going to lie, there's this constant ache, more like a lull in the back of my head everyday, how I still haven't found someone to call my own. I don't focus on it as much. Just the other day my boss was telling me "Jill, there's two things in life you shouldn't do. One, don't get married. Two, don't have kids." While I don't want either of those things right now, but it just reminded me that I don't exactly have anyone. I laughed and told him that I've been single for a long time now, in which he replied, "Yeah, but you're happy now, no? You're smiling." 

I'm not exactly unhappy, but I'm definitely not happy. There isn't really anyone to share my lack of unhappiness with too. Okay, yeah. I'm always moping about my single-ness, but still appreciating the freedom very much. There isn't anyone I am willing to choose, but funny enough, at this point, there isn't anyone willing to choose me either.

There's a bunch of stuff that's happened, a lot of nothingness. This never ending roller coaster ride I'm on. I've reached my limits though. Every single time it happens I ask myself, how the hell do I keep allowing this to happen? How do I keep letting people treat me this way? How do I stop being pushed around? I am losing my shit again. The horror of my 21 year old self is resurfacing and honestly, it scares me more than the people on the receiving end of it. I'm so scared of that old self, the one I tried to change and bury. Trust me, I had buried that well. Apparently there's a certain type of people, and a certain amount of pain and attacks that can dig that ghost back out. Its like the zombie they talk about. The ghost who came back to life suddenly, usually unwelcome.

I hear myself talk and I hate the words coming out of my mouth. I witness the way my thoughts are twisted and turned and I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the way it makes me as a person. I am not that person anymore, but I guess I am now. How long and how much will it take to bury that again? I think what I hated the most, is that same incident of extreme sense of betrayal and manipulation that made me feel and act that way. I think that to any 3rd person, heck, even the person involved, none of this makes sense. I've gotten quite bad in explaining my feelings, people don't understand, don't listen, don't know and don't care to. I can't exactly explain what's happening. I just think it needs to stop. Please save me from myself, I'm scared.

Today my dad was giving one of his speeches, when we're alone and nobody interrupts him. "We just have to accept that some people are the way they are. If 9 out of 10 people say that you are like this, you probably are. You just need to accept it." Well, I think I have come to learn that this is who I am right now. I do this now, this is how I react now. And this is how people will keep seeing me. Some will appreciate it, some will take advantage of it.

Lol, I'm beginning to forget what I actually wanted to write about. Growing up. Yes. Its just this whole new year thing and growing old thing making me think now about what I want to do, what I want to own, where do I go from here? I feel that push to make a move now, being stagnant for the last few years in my denial that I have to be a grown up. I think acceptance is finally kicking in.



Still waiting for the day I that I will feel that way.

Patience is virtue. 



All alright?

Monday, January 15, 2018

Its a week into the new year. I've had a particularly bad week and nothing good has happened this year... yet (finger crossed). Other than the fact that I am still alive, along with the others that I care about. I suppose that is something to be extremely grateful for.

I'm officially not doing my usual month-by-month recap of 2017.

There are large parts of 2017 that I did not manage to bring with me to 2017. While it saddens me, regardless of the ending, the journey was precious to me.

In 2017, I happened to swift back and forth of being okay not okay very often. If I were to give myself a theme for 2017, it would be 'Secrets'.

I had always been a private person to most, occasionally misunderstood as secretive. But last year, many more people fell into the list of people who just don't know me anymore. I gained much more secrets, so many more. I wasn't exactly lying, just hiding. And boy, is it exhausting.


The worst part is... that I brought my secrets to 2018. And I am so, so tired. Yes, yes, I brought this on myself. Yes, I don't know what I'm doing. At this point, in the middle of January, I might have figured that it's not worth it.

I don't believe that my judgement of people are wrong, I just believed that despite being human and flawed, they would still have some compassion in their actions. I am proven wrong again, and again. There are just many shit people around, that's just how it is. How is it that I keep finding these people who eventually become shitty people in my life? In retrospect, I am becoming a shitty person too. It's a bad cycle.

I obviously pray and pray that 2018 will be better, but the year seems rather bleak right now. Let's not wallow in the massive amount of negativity that I am filled with.

Happy New Year. 

What happened?

Sunday, December 17, 2017

These days I'm facing these human interactions and watching their reactions and everything is just confusing. So befuddling. Like.. did mankind become something that I no longer understand? Did a whole Earth of people just suddenly become something that I no longer know or am I the one who changed? Am I the one who remained the same? Or.. not remained the same.

I can't seem to brain why and what prompts them to react or behave or speak or think in the ways they do. There seemed to have been this huge change in mankind that I was just somehow left out of. Can someone please explain to me??

Where did these high levels of selfishness and superficiality come from? What happened to love and sincerity and kindness? What happened to things that matters? Is this just it though? This is how people are now? This is how everyone behaves now? Is this how I should be too to adapt to this society?

Because the price for standing out is being alone.




But I guess I'm not one to speak,
I'm not all of those things. 

"I'm tryin' to make it clear, that getting half of you just ain't enough"

Tuesday, December 12, 2017


Have been feeling this double fold these days. Don't really remember those days when I meant just a little bit more to some people. Only less. And less. 

I've been telling myself that I need to get my shit together since I came back. But I think its almost 3 months already and I haven't gotten my shit together yet (the day might never come actually, I'll just move onto another) but I think I'm reaching my threshold. 

No doubt that it being December, and nearing Christmas, makes me extra mindful of it. It's like a social construct that's been seeping into my mind; that a new year should be a fresh start. But from that midnight, to the next minute, life exists in the exact same way. Trying to wash my brain up a little, but there's no soap that works well enough, no bleach that's strong enough. Only more and more dirt

Nevertheless, I feel this ever existing sense of okay-ness in the midst of all the not okay, although everything is generally not okay. I feel these small moments in the day where I'm just glad to be where I am, despite the extremely messed up bigger picture. Sigh. Okay. It's going to be the same rant over and over again so let's not. 



"I'm not going to wait until you're done
Pretending you don't need anyone."


Cherish

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

“You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.” --Harlan Ellison



Nothing feels quite real. Time just passes me by and nothing happens. Nothing happens except that I find myself dwindling down that familiar dark path again. I'm slowly sleeping less, slowly eating too much, slowly getting sick and staying sick. There isn't much of a today, there isn't much of tomorrow. Everyday seamlessly blends together in bad endings, if there were endings. Its like a reel that continues and continues, it lacks colour. That's what it feels like for me these days.

It is, however, very honestly and from the bottom of my heart, very touching to see those that were suffering for so long, finally get their break. Finally things are looking up. Finally its not all just pain and emptiness and loss and faithlessness. There is something life has to offer. This is what I tell people, when I can.

But now I can't. I've lost sight of that (again) and I am tired. So exhausted. I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore. I suddenly became unsure if its worth it, whether it was worth it at all. I realize once again that with or without me, life moves on just right. Truthfully, I know those thoughts as they form in my head, they're all made up, all real, but all fake.

"A paradox to most observers, Architects are able to live by glaring contradictions that nonetheless make perfect sense – at least from a purely rational perspective. For example, Architects are simultaneously the most starry-eyed idealists and the bitterest of cynics, a seemingly impossible conflict."



This conflict is eating me up from the inside, driving me less than sane.


I'm learning my place. Again, and again. Every time I become close to forgetting, I get this loud painful reminder that usually just ends in silence. So much silence. There's so much silence, its deafening; but there's no loud noise or music enough to silence that.

What am I even saying. I need sleep. I need to get away.
 

Soul machine

Monday, November 6, 2017

"As humans, we instinctively develop a loyalty and affection for those who show us the most loyalty and affection. This is all love really is: an irrational degree of loyalty and affection for another person—to the point that we’d come to harm or even die for that person."
--A brief history of romantic love


I've grown to love a handful of people in my measly 24 years of life. Some I've lost, some have stayed. In those stories, I've also collected a lot of heartache in all those years. When I was all young and naive and unable to reason the pain away, the common idea was to not love anymore, to prevent that kind of pain to repeat again in this lifetime. I may have lived like that for a year or two. Then, I had one very kind friend who was honest enough with me to tell me to re-evaluate the way I am treating people. And so I did.

Actually, I think I did a good job at ensuring that the pain didn't repeat itself after the 2nd time experiencing it. As the saying goes, the first time is a mistake, the second time is a choice. So after that second time, I became much more resilient, my shield was up and strong. Sometimes, too strong, it deflected a lot of good people too.

Currently, I think I've reached a good balance of good and strong. Not entirely a pushover, but not ignorant. I'm surrounded by a lot of good people. People who subconsciously make me a better person. More like force me. Is this what peer pressure is? Lol, peer pressure to be kind? Whatever it is, I think its a good kind of pressure.

But that painful experience that I had been deflecting for so long, I think its creeping up on me now. Its like an imminent approach, and while I did anticipate it, I do not look forward to it. I'm not sure what this experience will make me become. What if I become more monstrous? I'm already so old (hopefully much more matured), how much more damage can I do, right?


And on the days when we're alive, I choose to love.

I hope you do too.



"I wish somebody would have told me that
That some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won't forget."


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