나도 행복 하고싶다.

Monday, October 23, 2017

“Will you stop it?”
“Stop what? Talking to myself?”
“Then who else would I talk to?” 

The silence is overwhelming. I’m so tired. My pretense is getting weaker now. I’m just waiting. Waiting for time to pass. I’d like to believe that I am making the best out of it. For now, I still do. But I’m seeing so much truth, I don’t know how much longer I can keep silent.

I’ll be better when I’m distracted. I believe. I hope.

I have to be. 


Sunday, October 15, 2017

你 最 近 不 说 话
You've been quiet lately
怎 么 了 为 什 么
What's the matter, why?
是 不 是 有 什 么 事 讓 你 不 快 乐
Is there something making you unhappy?

听 说 你 最 近 很 孤 单
I heard you've been lonely recently,
有 点 乱
A little confused,
有 点 慌
A little out of it,
可 是 我 却 不 能 够 在 你 的 身 旁
Yet I cannot be by your side

你 想 要 的 我 却 不 能 够 给 你 我 全 部
What you want - I know, but I can't give you my all
我 能 给 的 却 又 不 是 你 想 要 拥 有 的
But what I can give is not what you want
我 们 不 适 合 也 不 想 认 输
We aren't suitable for each other, but we do not want to admit defeat
好 几 次 我 们 抱 着 彼 此 都 是 想 要 哭
Many times we embrace each other, wanting to cry.

I set myself up for this. One day, I pray, I will be strong enough to make decisions for my own life and I will no longer utter the words that says ‘I have no choice’ because that is literally all I feel for the last few years. One day, I will be able to take control of my own life and be content with the decisions I make.

"I'm only human, can't you see?"

Monday, October 2, 2017

"One day you'll meet me and
you'll know it's not a dream
It won't be hell or heaven
We'll be somewhere in between" 
--Hotel, Kita Alexander  

This song has been speaking to me so much, I have no idea why. It makes my heart sink, makes me hold my breath, it makes me cry. I can't even specifically identify what the song reminds me of, who it reminds me of. It just sings of a certain kind of loss that I feel so deeply, so often.


Today is Monday. I was in bed till 4pm. A new realization is kicking in. My holidays are coming to an end. Ironically, it is the first day of the National Week holiday here in China. Although I am constantly questioning.. why did all this happen? Why am I here? What am I doing? What was God's plan? Why did He bring me here to see these things, to meet these people? Why did I have to learn this experience? What is the lesson? What is going to happen after this?

There was a strange peace that covered me. Like, probably the ones who have been speaking to me listen to me complaining constantly and constantly stressed out about making decisions and all that. But while I was here, whatever was happening, I look in the mirror and I ask "what am I doing?". While there is no answer, I still felt there's a certain knowing that just everything will be okay.

A lot of things don't make sense now, my life is still pretty much unsettled. Like sand on the the beach, every time a wave comes in, sand get stirred. And the waves, they never stop coming in. Reality still calls out to me. It doesn't mean that I don't know I'm basically walking from one set of problems into another. Right back into my problems.

Its slowly hitting me that all the things that I had under control, will not be anymore, if I become present in those problems again. The person that I didn't want to be, the people I don't want to deal with, that same pain, is all still there. I just... moved away. Trying to see how long I can avoid it until it subsides.

I think the biggest lesson I have learnt from this experience, is that I can really see many people's real face now. Many. Few? Having me re-evaluate my belief in humanity again. And the people I surround myself with. While over here, I caught a glimpse of how much lies are being told on a daily basis, unfortunately participating in it as well, necessarily so.

I thank God for that strange peace everyday, just holding me everyday.

Let's see where the road takes me now.

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

I don't like the words ringing in my head, those horrible words that you've said. I don't like that horrible thought that keeps playing in my mind, keeping me still. I mean.. it pushed me away, and now its forcing me to stay away.

Freedom. Its not actually real, is it? Its never real. What does it take to be free?

"God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, He will also provide a way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” 
1 Corinthians 10:13b 

Desperately in need of a pep talk right now. My sanity is dwindling.


Sunday, September 24, 2017

Hello, from Shanghai! 

Its been a strange journey. I'm at my 2nd weekend here and.. well. Everything is a contradiction. I can't seem to really figure out what I feel about everything that is happening. There's good, there's bad, but I have no idea which is more and which is less and which is appealing to me more. Things are not exactly better here, but not exactly worse either.

I'm not exactly homesick (yet) I think. I miss home, of course I do. I think I am fun-sick, not homesick. There is nothing to do here, literally. I can't move around freely, the sky gets dark at 6pm then the whole world seems to stop turning. I would like to explain where I am exactly, but honestly, even I'm not sure. I am just.. in the middle of plantations and trees and long, straight highways. Rivers. There's a lot of river here. I think I am doing a really bad job at explaining.

Let me supply you with a photo..

Work-wise, everything is weird. I have definitely been spoilt by the corporate life, the big MNCs, international business. Now I am here, in a really small room, with a really big screen but a small table, the glare gives me a headache everyday. The aircon is a standing aircon, which power actually amuses me, because it looks like tiny and Chinese, compared to those giant freezing cold centralized aircon they have in tall buildings. There are no tall buildings here. It seems like the tallest building I've seen nearby is the apartment building next to mine, its probably like 18 floors tall? Hmm.

There's a lot of green. Green everywhere. Its a green, open spaced prison here. Its like a prison from fun. I have no idea what they do for fun here. Maybe that's why Chinese people are so addicted to the dramas and series. Hmm. What about life beyond a screen?

I am here, writing this, facing a screen, because I also don't have anything to do outside also. Can't go anywhere on my own. Its really funny, because I am with a Moroccan very often, and he looks like a foreigner. They're shocked at fact that he can speak Chinese. But then they look at me and they're like "You're not Chinese?? You don't speak Chinese?" in such disbelief, its amusing at the opposite reactions we are getting. I've told people I am American.. Singaporean? So funny, probably I will say Korean next. I can't seem to place myself in any other countries. Any further Asian country suggestions?

Today as I sat alone at the China Gong Cha, with an American setting (lol at the contradictions in China is epic). My life here is a contradiction. As I was saying, I was sitting at iGong Cha alone, and I kinda wanted to be alone. But the weather was good and chill, the place was decent, there were people walking around and there were dogs running around, lights and all. And in that moment I didn't want to be alone.

 I literally still don't know what's going on in my life, still not able to get my shit together, still no idea what to do with myself. My heart is heavy, it's everywhere, in different places, in pieces, it's definitely not settled. 

Time is a friend and the biggest enemy.

잠간 인사 할게.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

이별 이 왔네. 난 잠간 갈거야. 잘해 야지.

I'll be going for awhile. Just awhile. At least for now. Thank you so much to all the love and kindness. You have all been so amazing, I cannot be anymore blessed.

I'll miss blogging. Maybe I'll have more stories to tell. Maybe I'll experience more life, more everything. Or maybe I won't.

I'll be back. Please wait for me. And remember me.

This is a temporary goodbye.

"Love, pride, deep fried chicken."

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

"Told a story about a man who was too afraid to fly so he never did land."

 I don't want to be the person who is too afraid to fly. At the same time...

"And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?"

I want to find 'myself out there'. These words are questionable. Am I not 'myself' enough now that I need to go 'out there' to find myself? What even is 'out there'? Where is this 'out there'? Will I miss this 'me' the song is singing about? What am I really looking for?

Packing is always a trip down memory lane; makes you open folders kept in the far corners of the cupboard, makes you unseal envelopes that you had forgotten the contents of, makes you read words written years ago, makes you see photos of faces you don't see anymore, makes you remember the people you've once loved, makes you remember the people who once loved you, makes you appreciate the ones who are still around, makes you realize how much (or how little) you have grown. Very, very nostalgic.

Of course I found a lot of pain in all these items and memories. But oddly enough, I just feel so... blessed. In all my 24 years of existence, all the people who's paths I have crossed, the ones who come and go, the ones who stay for awhile, and the ones who'll stay for a long time (if not forever). I am just suddenly dumbfounded on how much love has been given and received. Yeah, insert words about how love is the thing that makes the world go around, is the center of all life and existence and bla bla bla. I do believe in that though, ironically.

I just can't wrap my head around it. What have I done to deserve all this love? I can't seem to put in words how grateful I am for all of it, so much of it. Small ones, big ones, all the same love. At this point I am experiencing this weird feeling where I think I've lived a good life, I am content. Is that what I'm feeling? Maybe its that feeling I was talking about when I said that I feel calm when everything suddenly turns white (a referral to an old post). I feel that as long as I remember that, I can die tomorrow and I would be okay with it. Given, I think I still want to live (gasp! shock! horror!) and I still have things to achieve and more people to know and love. On the other hand, remembering when times are low, I always know what I did to deserve the pain. Always. I remember the lessons I've learnt, what changed me, what makes me who I am today, the good, the bad, the ugly.

I will love better. That's the goal. In my own twisted ways, I will. 

At this point, I feel extreme anxiety, uncertainty drives me crazy scared and not knowing what's in store for me across the South China Sea. My very good friend, Insomnia, has returned again, as on cue. I am scared, but I feel that small tinge of positivity. I just hope that its God telling me that everything is going to be okay. With a warm hug. I need many hugs right now :(

"I already know there ain't no stopping."

Thursday, August 31, 2017

"We were always like parallel lines. No matter how close we got, our paths never cross." 

If I left, would our paths never cross again? Will you forget my name? Will you not recognize me anymore with age and experience? Will you forget what I meant to you?

Who I am really writing about? I don't even know anymore. Its like a collective feeling of leaving; losing. Am I? This is really weird. I think what I am experiencing is the ever famous FOMO. Took me a long time to wrap my head around that phrase. Why does it feel like I'm afraid I'll be missing out on something back here? I would have removed myself from the lives of those who matter to me.

The real question is.. how much does it actually matter? Do I... matter?

Yeah, the insecurities are kicking in. Dammit.

Its quite like me, that even upon leaving, I just have to leave a mess behind.
Create a whirlwind, some chaos, then leave.

Journey with NLSN_MY.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

"Now that you hear the story, are you going to stay?"

"Don't go, J."

"I don't want you to go." 

"Please don't go, Jill. Can't you just reject the offer?" 

The final plea has finally kicked in. Ugh, the horrible feeling of a sinking heart. I am more sad of leaving than to go. I have attachment issues, but these ones are legit. I am still proud to be a part of this company, I love the culture, I love the warm banters and the laughter.

4th October 2016 - 17th August 2017. 

It felt like just last week when I wrote a post about finding a job. Where did all the time go? What have I been doing? No doubt I worked a lot though, but I just feel some kind of emptiness there.

"I've never seen the client so happy since the time we started working with them." 
"You are very good at what you do."
"You have a lot of potential and I know you will succeed wherever you go."
"You will be missed very much."

At least I know I did my job. My client servicing job. I think its funny how we don't really know how people really see us until.. well, until we leave. I always felt that I was just kinda going through the motions, knowing what I need to do, and making sure I do it at the time I am required to. I am so relieved to find that my effort has been appreciated, and seen. As per the words of my deskmate, "this is a good note to leave on". I can finally say, I did something right.

"No one is going to ask me questions anymore when you're gone. I'm going to feel so useless." 

I don't have that many bosses to begin with, but he's definitely my favorite one. I think probably the favorite one of all time, because this is really quite hard to top. Oddly enough, he is the one I am going to miss the most. He was so, so funny, yet so smart. So generous and kind, so playful, yet so supportive. So much like a boss, yet so much like a friend. I have the utmost respect for him, yet I just think he is super cute. I think he liked me too. It sounds pompous for me to say this with my own mouth, but I think he did. And that makes me so much more sadder to go. How his first reaction upon hearing my news is, stunned and then "That's great! I'm so happy for you." and then "Oh shit.. now I gotta deal with all this." So endearing. I'm his number 1 fan girl now.

Kevin. My best friend in the office, my ever busy deskmate, yet endures my long stories and laughs at my pain. Listens for entertainment initially, then listens earnestly with compassion. Bad, bad jokes, but always cheering me up. No judgement, no filter, just the kind of friend I need, yet super crazy hard to find. Thank you for always having my back.

To the Tech/Telco team, I think it was a blessing that I joined this team. I know I always complain about not being able to choose which team I wanted to join, but I was always secretly very proud that they didn't let me choose because maybe they just wanted me in their team. Or maybe they were really desperate and nobody else could work quick enough with the 'expected salary' that I horribly quoted. I know I am writing this because I couldn't say this to their faces, but I hope they feel it. Maybe, they will know it one day.

To both my female bosses, so strong, so wise, so kind, also kinda cool, the experience was really something I would not exchange for anything. Two great mentors. I think they sometimes purposely play good cop, bad cop. I think I owe them couple of apologies for not doing good enough, but they always got me covered even though I should be the one who's got them covered. I sincerely wished I had more time to perform better, but you both left so suddenly. It is a little sad that I am following suit, but may our paths cross again when I am older, and just.. better.

To Mai, my other deskmate, always so kind, always offering me food, haha. I never worked with her, but maybe that's why she was more of a friend than a boss to me. The softest one, who's more affectionate with her words. Learning Chinese together, telling me about baking, online shopping, hair styles. I think she was happy to have a vainpot female in the team. She always complimented my clothes. *sobs* I remember when I first joined, she wasn't back from the holidays and we came out of the lift together, then we walked to our seats together, and was awkwardly introduced as deskmates. Ahh, memories. I remember the first time I met here like it was yesterday.

To the interns, I only managed to befriend one, but then I think I am envious of the internship experience. Makes me feel that I should have done it. Damn, I would have learnt so much and also made friends, and get to know bosses. I like the fact that they were young, makes it more comfortable talking, makes me feel young, hahaha. Rachel, was like the unicorn of the team. So capable, but still young and fragile. Reminds me a little of myself, makes me feel like an older sister, or just a good friend, connecting over boy talks and girl stuff.

"Ahh, my little sister is leaving."

To the 3 big brothers on the team, always just finding some ways to tease and bully me and at the same time offering the guidance and help when needed. I loved seeing you guys interact and laugh like children, and I miss having seniors to bother. I had limited interaction with the Norwegian boss, but he was always just around.. and so chill, so calm, easy to approach, always asking us to go lunch. Or else we never move. I'll miss saying goodbye to him everyday when he passes my seat to leave the office.

Special mention to the PM team, best support team ever. I don't know how other companies work without a PM because I think I would die without them. I am so dependent on them, and the two boys who worked with me on my long-term projects, thank you very much. For all the patience, the stupid mistakes, the guidance and just overall goodness while working on it with me. Please know that you are much appreciated. To the youngest manager of the team, thanks for those little conversations and for being friends with me in general.

And to my girls, for just being there generally. Getting known as the 'best friends' in the company and then conveniently named "Mafia Princesses". I think we shook the company for awhile, haha. Never imagined that we would all be in the same place. Missing all those lunch dates and the Korean conversations, for bringing me to your side of the wing and introducing me to everyone. I just love having a crew there, love you guys to bits.

Who knew that I would finally be able to find a Jack there as well? He gets an honorary mention just because his name is Jack, haha. For all the Jack and Jill jokes we had to endure, it definitely built a little bond between us. And to the CG brothers, for showing me so much kindness and support and genuine friendship, God has blessed me through you all. You all thought me love and compassion, and what it means to be a child of God.

Quick shout out to the cool kids (?)... gangsters (?)... of the RMS, I have no idea what to call them, lol. Thanks for extending the honest conversations and funny banters, for introducing me to Kronenbourg 1664 Blanc and the interesting drinking sessions. Not so cool with the mouse ears now, eh? The power of being the one who leaves. *wink wink*

I'm going to miss walking that long hallway, halfway through, to my seat. Always looking out for the bosses heads hiding behind the divider boards. Miss walking across the bridge to cross over for lunch, maybe even miss jaywalking across that crazy busy road in a flock. Miss those little meeting rooms, the one where I first stepped into for my interview. Realizing how blessed I am after all this time being there, that they hired me without me doing anything more. I'm going to miss all the pantry talks and the awkward parting back to our respective desks. Miss walking down the stairway to the floor below with the laptop in one hand. I think I can go on and on, but let's not.

I've had so much drama in this one place, but then again, where exactly would I be that has no drama? Haha. There was so much lows, followed by some highs. I really thank God for the favor from men, which is exactly what I prayed for. I really wonder what it would be like now, to be somewhere else, doing something else, I do. But I also, from the little corners of my heart, wishes I could be here, doing this. Just a little. A little more than a little.

I love each and everyone of you. What a journey it has been. 


Wednesday, August 16, 2017

"If I could change the world overnight
There'd be no such thing as goodbye."

How many times will I have to feel this before I actually go?

Do all songs just automatically sound extremely depressing when you're sad? Or was every song written sad but made to believe as a happy tune, masked by melodies and fun drum beats?

Okay, I'm obviously losing my mind. I haven't had this feeling in awhile, its so unfamiliar, so unnatural. I can't even tell if I'm pretending. Its like.. I feel it, but I can mask it so well, I'm wondering if its real, or am I like creating it on my own? Since I like to wallow in sadness so much. *insert eye roll emoji*

Was never good at letting go, but I secretly think I am getting better at it. A little more numb, with tears for decoration. I also think that I haven't cried in awhile, that it was like a sudden surge of sadness. Now I'm like in shock at the effects. It felt.. necessary. The exclamation of pain was relieving. But it's always a wake up call.

I have so much on my mind. I'm so frustrated that I can't put them down in words. I can't brain it, I can't comprehend all these feelings, I have no idea what to do with them. I feel.. suffocated. Suffocated by my own thoughts that have no escape. Suffocated by the silence and fake smiles. Suffocated by the pretense and ignorance. Everything just hurts.

I don't understand! What is this feeling?? Why would I feel this? What does it mean? How am I going to wait this out again?

My writing skills are too rusty now. I sound (as I think I always did) sound like a whiny teenager who complains when life gets hard. But I am really just complaining about how I don't understand, maybe refusing to understand what I am feeling because I am afraid of the implications of it.

It doesn't make sense. 

Perfect Strangers.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

"You were looking at me like you wanted to stay
When I saw you yesterday
I'm not wasting your time, I'm not playing no games, I see you
Who knows the secret tomorrow will hold?
We don't really need to know
'Cause you're here with me now, I don't want you to go

Maybe we're perfect strangers
Maybe it's not forever
Maybe the night will change us
Maybe we'll stay together 
Maybe we'll walk away 
Maybe we'll realize 
We're only human
Maybe we don't need no reason."

Complicated stuff. Ugh. All the shit that I get myself into. 


In the meantime... 

5th August 2017. 

And you let her go.

Monday, July 24, 2017

When I prayed for doors to be opened, I believed. But God is greater, His plans are perfect.

There were many doors. Well.. anything more than one door is many doors.

"You don't know what you've got till you lose it." 

I suddenly feel that there will be people who'll miss me when I'm gone. That is a very foreign feeling, and it gives me the fuzzies, laced with some.. mild surprise.

I've been staring at this post for the past hour, only added one sentence. I think I feel more like blogging now cause there's no one to talk to. I'm already pretty bad at talking to people, now I'm also bad at writing. Dammit.

That sentence has been ringing in my head for the past week. How true it is, how unfortunately true it is. Its true to me, true to others as well I think. We I think its really hard to see what's in front of your eyes until you realize its fading. While my presence feels that way to others, I realize once again what I have to let go. I mean, at some point, it does feel gratifying to know that I am appreciated and that I am a part of someone else's life. But, it brings along that little stab in the heart knowing that you didn't matter all that much until you weren't going to be around much longer.

I am willing to put that feeling aside for now, classifying that under 'Mistakes That Humans Make', even though I can't fully shake it off. I'm not actually writing this post to complain about how humans are incapable of fully appreciating what they have until its gone. I was writing this post to express my (still) extremely mixed feelings about my current situation.

In my final efforts to spend time with people that matter the most, I find that every laugh and every conversation, every moment is followed by the bittersweet taste of impending farewells. I've never been good at goodbyes, letting go is my weakest flaw, walking away is almost impossible. While I know that I made this decision (and that it is not a bad one... yet), I have no idea how to execute it. Now I'm mechanically going through it, pretending to be so nonchalant saying my goodbyes, but my heart is like constantly being crushed. Like its held by a fist, and the hold gets stronger every time I tell someone, every time someone looks at me with that surprised expression, every time I need to pretend that I'm okay.

While I was driving back on my own today, I realized that all my youth was spent here. I was all young and naive and stupid and mildly impulsive and daring yet careful and I did everything here. Not that I have specific plans to not do all of that somewhere else, there's no denying that time is running out slowly. I gotta get up, grow up, be an adult somewhere else. I think in all my attempts to adult here, I barely made it.

Every turn, everyone, everywhere, everything reminds me of something I am, something I have here.

I am so, so grateful, for everything. And while in certain moments, I may seem to make everything seem obsolete, I know what I have. And that's you. You. Thank you.  

I feel that I am the only one who hasn't accepted that this decision is a good one.

I'm going to be okay.

"Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go.."

좋은 기억 많아.

"Life isn't pretty; we all get a little wrecked sometimes."

Monday, July 10, 2017

Its been awhile.

I am at a big crossroad at my life now, not sure which junction to take, not brave enough to step out, not content enough to remain stagnant. I always ask God, why is it that I can't just know what I want and do it? Why am I always covered by greed? Why can't I love in the way that He taught me to? Why am I so painfully, yet necessarily selfish?

Crippled by fear, I am standing right in the middle of the yellow box, not sure where to turn, not sure where to run. There is no one in sight, just me. This is not a bad dream, this is reality.

What am I doing? What am I going to do? 

So much has happened, my life is like a full fledged k-drama. 두려워, 외로움, 둘 다. 자신감이 있었으면 좋겠어.

I am sorry that I have been unable to fill up my blog with all the experiences and thoughts that I so wish to, circumstances did not allow me to. And as usual, it was my natural instinct to hide and be.. invisible. Somebody will appreciate the way I am someday....right? Sigh.

I'll help you find comfort in walking away.

"你那麼愛她, 為什麼不把她留下?"


Tuesday, May 2, 2017

use or expend carelessly, extravagantly, or to no purpose.
adjective(of a material, substance, or byproduct) eliminated or discarded as no longer useful or required after the completion of a process.

A word that's been playing in my head all day long.

There's so much noise, but it's so quiet.
There's so much to do, yet there's no accomplishment.
There's so much people, but it's still so lonely.
There's so much conversation, yet there's nothing said.

Did I just write an impromptu, non-rhyming poem? Yes, I did.

The fatigue I have been feeling is in-explainable. I feel that I do so much, but I don't do anything at all. All I see is that it's all a waste. All the hours doing something, trying to do something. It's all a waste, nothing comes out of it. All the hours spent doing nothing, it's all wasted, nothing comes out of it. I go places, I do things, it's all a waste, nothing comes out of it.

I think what I mean.. is that there's no purpose. I feel that I am wasting my days away doing things that seemingly have no purpose to me. I'm doing all these things mechanically, because I have to. I go to work because I have to. While I'm at it, I try to do my best, because I have to. While I'm at it, I get stressed, so I go out and I try to meet people, have fun, laugh, try to have a good time, because I have to. I try to make people like me, because I have to. I try not to be mean, because I have to. I try to be less selfish, because I have to. I maintain all my existing friendships because I have to. Its as if I have no control over anything that I do, or don't do.

My mind is slipping away from me. Some time ago, when I had the ability to think, I took pride in it. These days, all I want to do is mindless things. Or just nothing. I want to do nothing. Or there is just nothing I want to do.

I know that sometimes people feel jaded, as a "tired, bored, or lacking enthusiasm, typically after having had too much of something". Is there such thing as too much 'nothing'? I can't begin to explain how 'nothing' I feel about my life right now. 

Everything is a waste. All the time I'm alive right now is a waste. I'm wasting the life God gave me. All the hours I'm wasting. All the sleep (rest) I am wasting. All the words I'm speaking is a waste. All the work I am doing is a waste. All the hours I spend awake is a waste. All the hours I spend asleep is a waste. All the food I'm eating is a waste. All the money I am spending is a waste. All the money I'm not spending is a waste. All the care I am receiving is a waste. Wasted on me. All the things I have right now is a waste. All the freedom I have is a waste. 

Everything has no meaning. What is it that I can't seem to change anything? Its like I want all these things. I want to be desired, I want to be smart, I want to be successful, I want to be rich, I want to be kind, I want to be pretty, I want to be loved, I want to love. But the question is.. why? What for? So what? So what if I am all these things, so what if I have all these things? So what if I don't? Its all just a waste. 

I'm drowning and I can't save you.
Run, run away. 

"From the perfect start, to the finish line."

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Just running through my problems, while running away from my problems.

I always have this super good post written up in my head, while I'm brushing my teeth, walking across the street, just when I'm doing mindless things. And when I actually open up the page to type it, its almost all gone. That's really inconvenient. Is this just a case of mindlessness? Forgetfulness?

This is getting progressively more frustrating. I just feel that over the course of the years (I'm 24 now, gasp!), I've just become.. dumber. I wonder if older people go through this too?? Or they're all learning and gaining tonnes of experience in life and becoming more and more pro at what they do, and then there's me. Why does it feel like I'm just regressing with time? I grew up loving the power, always wanting to be in charge, always taking up the task, always the responsible one. Now I literally run away from the responsibility, run away from the decision making, always letting someone else take charge. I just want to be a really good sidekick now.

I used to have this analogy. Its still pretty applicable now, but I think just slightly less than before. There's the king, he's the leader of the kingdom. Every king has an advisor, the one who tells him what he should and shouldn't do, and as all movies portray it to be, the advisor is the one who holds the real power. I used to be (?) and want to be the advisor. Recently, I just want to be the advisor's right hand man. Is this something every fresh grad feels or am I the one just thoroughly feeling extremely incompetent (and treated as such)?

The motivation is barely there, this is like a punch in the gut to my already low enough self-esteem. Everyday I'm just trying to tell myself "Its okay, you'll get better. Its okay, you'll learn after this. Its okay, you're not that stupid." Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my job. But that's what's bothering me even more. Everyday I go in and I'm like "Yes, let's do work" and then while I'm doing it, there's all these things I can't figure out, can't really ask, can't make decisions about and then it slowly becomes a sad acceptance that sounds like "Just do what you can for now", while knowing that it isn't a good job.

Maybe this doesn't make sense to some people. Maybe I'm just being kiasu. Maybe its just my pride getting bruised (a little too much) and maybe I just expect more from myself. Nowadays I just watch these women around me, so assertive, so smart, so wise and I think to myself maybe I could be them one day, as I have always dreamed to be. But the sad part is like.. thinking that while knowing that I might not make it. I just don't seem to have what it takes (anymore).

I don't understand why its happening, what is happening. Yes, I know that it just sounds like a whole lot of made-up negativity and that I'm just bringing myself down with these unnecessary thoughts. Yes, I know what the world will tell me. "Just stop being so negative, you need to strive for it, fight for what you want, if you want it hard enough, you'll make it."

My brain flits back and forth between being motivated and then completely giving up. I feel that this has been going on for awhile now. I can't seem to focus on anything I am doing, I cannot think, I cannot create, I cannot solve problems, I can barely notice the mistakes even. The intelligence that I so admire in people is really just slipping away from me. I don't even know how to argue now, all I know is just to keep mum because its easier that way. Is it ignorance or just emotional unavailability?

I'm (still) very, very tired. 

" Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong."

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