A decent melodrama

Sunday, February 25, 2018

So, hello February.

And nothing has changed. I'm going to be a quarter of a century old this year and I am losing my mind. This is like the infamous quarter century old crisis that I've seen many people go through. There's just something about these numbers that make changes something in your mind. Something, like a little spark that went off in your head at a place that's never been lighted before. Its not a massive spark (like the beautiful fireworks that went off last night) but more like a small bright light that's constantly blinking so you don't forget that its there.

I haven't written in awhile, definitely rusty now.

Chinese New Year has more or less ended by now. Ok fine, its actually like halfway through. These are the kind of occasions that make you realize even more, that we're aging. And its not just myself, its everyone else too. Like all of a sudden, the baby you used to carry can now walk and talk (and scream), and the aunties you were a kid to, are now sprouting more gray hair than before. And then you realise, you're also no longer the kid they used to know. Now we all drive, we work, we earn our own money, we don't necessarily need all that taking care of they did for us back then.

I don't want to grow up. It suddenly dawned upon me some days ago, that I have like many memories. They replay and replay in my head everyday. Echoing my previous post, perhaps I am harboring so much discontentment for my life right now that all I keep thinking about is how it used to be, how I used to be. And as the years goes by, I just have more and more to look back on, even if it was just last year.

"Caught up in the touch
Slow and steady rush
Isn't that the way that love's suppose to be?"
-- Faith Hill, Breathe

I'm not going to lie, there's this constant ache, more like a lull in the back of my head everyday, how I still haven't found someone to call my own. I don't focus on it as much. Just the other day my boss was telling me "Jill, there's two things in life you shouldn't do. One, don't get married. Two, don't have kids." While I don't want either of those things right now, but it just reminded me that I don't exactly have anyone. I laughed and told him that I've been single for a long time now, in which he replied, "Yeah, but you're happy now, no? You're smiling." 

I'm not exactly unhappy, but I'm definitely not happy. There isn't really anyone to share my lack of unhappiness with too. Okay, yeah. I'm always moping about my single-ness, but still appreciating the freedom very much. There isn't anyone I am willing to choose, but funny enough, at this point, there isn't anyone willing to choose me either.

There's a bunch of stuff that's happened, a lot of nothingness. This never ending roller coaster ride I'm on. I've reached my limits though. Every single time it happens I ask myself, how the hell do I keep allowing this to happen? How do I keep letting people treat me this way? How do I stop being pushed around? I am losing my shit again. The horror of my 21 year old self is resurfacing and honestly, it scares me more than the people on the receiving end of it. I'm so scared of that old self, the one I tried to change and bury. Trust me, I had buried that well. Apparently there's a certain type of people, and a certain amount of pain and attacks that can dig that ghost back out. Its like the zombie they talk about. The ghost who came back to life suddenly, usually unwelcome.

I hear myself talk and I hate the words coming out of my mouth. I witness the way my thoughts are twisted and turned and I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the way it makes me as a person. I am not that person anymore, but I guess I am now. How long and how much will it take to bury that again? I think what I hated the most, is that same incident of extreme sense of betrayal and manipulation that made me feel and act that way. I think that to any 3rd person, heck, even the person involved, none of this makes sense. I've gotten quite bad in explaining my feelings, people don't understand, don't listen, don't know and don't care to. I can't exactly explain what's happening. I just think it needs to stop. Please save me from myself, I'm scared.

Today my dad was giving one of his speeches, when we're alone and nobody interrupts him. "We just have to accept that some people are the way they are. If 9 out of 10 people say that you are like this, you probably are. You just need to accept it." Well, I think I have come to learn that this is who I am right now. I do this now, this is how I react now. And this is how people will keep seeing me. Some will appreciate it, some will take advantage of it.

Lol, I'm beginning to forget what I actually wanted to write about. Growing up. Yes. Its just this whole new year thing and growing old thing making me think now about what I want to do, what I want to own, where do I go from here? I feel that push to make a move now, being stagnant for the last few years in my denial that I have to be a grown up. I think acceptance is finally kicking in.

Still waiting for the day I that I will feel that way.

Patience is virtue. 

All alright?

Monday, January 15, 2018

Its a week into the new year. I've had a particularly bad week and nothing good has happened this year... yet (finger crossed). Other than the fact that I am still alive, along with the others that I care about. I suppose that is something to be extremely grateful for.

I'm officially not doing my usual month-by-month recap of 2017.

There are large parts of 2017 that I did not manage to bring with me to 2017. While it saddens me, regardless of the ending, the journey was precious to me.

In 2017, I happened to swift back and forth of being okay not okay very often. If I were to give myself a theme for 2017, it would be 'Secrets'.

I had always been a private person to most, occasionally misunderstood as secretive. But last year, many more people fell into the list of people who just don't know me anymore. I gained much more secrets, so many more. I wasn't exactly lying, just hiding. And boy, is it exhausting.

The worst part is... that I brought my secrets to 2018. And I am so, so tired. Yes, yes, I brought this on myself. Yes, I don't know what I'm doing. At this point, in the middle of January, I might have figured that it's not worth it.

I don't believe that my judgement of people are wrong, I just believed that despite being human and flawed, they would still have some compassion in their actions. I am proven wrong again, and again. There are just many shit people around, that's just how it is. How is it that I keep finding these people who eventually become shitty people in my life? In retrospect, I am becoming a shitty person too. It's a bad cycle.

I obviously pray and pray that 2018 will be better, but the year seems rather bleak right now. Let's not wallow in the massive amount of negativity that I am filled with.

Happy New Year. 

What happened?

Sunday, December 17, 2017

These days I'm facing these human interactions and watching their reactions and everything is just confusing. So befuddling. Like.. did mankind become something that I no longer understand? Did a whole Earth of people just suddenly become something that I no longer know or am I the one who changed? Am I the one who remained the same? Or.. not remained the same.

I can't seem to brain why and what prompts them to react or behave or speak or think in the ways they do. There seemed to have been this huge change in mankind that I was just somehow left out of. Can someone please explain to me??

Where did these high levels of selfishness and superficiality come from? What happened to love and sincerity and kindness? What happened to things that matters? Is this just it though? This is how people are now? This is how everyone behaves now? Is this how I should be too to adapt to this society?

Because the price for standing out is being alone.

But I guess I'm not one to speak,
I'm not all of those things. 

"I'm tryin' to make it clear, that getting half of you just ain't enough"

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Have been feeling this double fold these days. Don't really remember those days when I meant just a little bit more to some people. Only less. And less. 

I've been telling myself that I need to get my shit together since I came back. But I think its almost 3 months already and I haven't gotten my shit together yet (the day might never come actually, I'll just move onto another) but I think I'm reaching my threshold. 

No doubt that it being December, and nearing Christmas, makes me extra mindful of it. It's like a social construct that's been seeping into my mind; that a new year should be a fresh start. But from that midnight, to the next minute, life exists in the exact same way. Trying to wash my brain up a little, but there's no soap that works well enough, no bleach that's strong enough. Only more and more dirt

Nevertheless, I feel this ever existing sense of okay-ness in the midst of all the not okay, although everything is generally not okay. I feel these small moments in the day where I'm just glad to be where I am, despite the extremely messed up bigger picture. Sigh. Okay. It's going to be the same rant over and over again so let's not. 

"I'm not going to wait until you're done
Pretending you don't need anyone."


Tuesday, November 28, 2017

“You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.” --Harlan Ellison

Nothing feels quite real. Time just passes me by and nothing happens. Nothing happens except that I find myself dwindling down that familiar dark path again. I'm slowly sleeping less, slowly eating too much, slowly getting sick and staying sick. There isn't much of a today, there isn't much of tomorrow. Everyday seamlessly blends together in bad endings, if there were endings. Its like a reel that continues and continues, it lacks colour. That's what it feels like for me these days.

It is, however, very honestly and from the bottom of my heart, very touching to see those that were suffering for so long, finally get their break. Finally things are looking up. Finally its not all just pain and emptiness and loss and faithlessness. There is something life has to offer. This is what I tell people, when I can.

But now I can't. I've lost sight of that (again) and I am tired. So exhausted. I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore. I suddenly became unsure if its worth it, whether it was worth it at all. I realize once again that with or without me, life moves on just right. Truthfully, I know those thoughts as they form in my head, they're all made up, all real, but all fake.

"A paradox to most observers, Architects are able to live by glaring contradictions that nonetheless make perfect sense – at least from a purely rational perspective. For example, Architects are simultaneously the most starry-eyed idealists and the bitterest of cynics, a seemingly impossible conflict."

This conflict is eating me up from the inside, driving me less than sane.

I'm learning my place. Again, and again. Every time I become close to forgetting, I get this loud painful reminder that usually just ends in silence. So much silence. There's so much silence, its deafening; but there's no loud noise or music enough to silence that.

What am I even saying. I need sleep. I need to get away.

Soul machine

Monday, November 6, 2017

"As humans, we instinctively develop a loyalty and affection for those who show us the most loyalty and affection. This is all love really is: an irrational degree of loyalty and affection for another person—to the point that we’d come to harm or even die for that person."
--A brief history of romantic love

I've grown to love a handful of people in my measly 24 years of life. Some I've lost, some have stayed. In those stories, I've also collected a lot of heartache in all those years. When I was all young and naive and unable to reason the pain away, the common idea was to not love anymore, to prevent that kind of pain to repeat again in this lifetime. I may have lived like that for a year or two. Then, I had one very kind friend who was honest enough with me to tell me to re-evaluate the way I am treating people. And so I did.

Actually, I think I did a good job at ensuring that the pain didn't repeat itself after the 2nd time experiencing it. As the saying goes, the first time is a mistake, the second time is a choice. So after that second time, I became much more resilient, my shield was up and strong. Sometimes, too strong, it deflected a lot of good people too.

Currently, I think I've reached a good balance of good and strong. Not entirely a pushover, but not ignorant. I'm surrounded by a lot of good people. People who subconsciously make me a better person. More like force me. Is this what peer pressure is? Lol, peer pressure to be kind? Whatever it is, I think its a good kind of pressure.

But that painful experience that I had been deflecting for so long, I think its creeping up on me now. Its like an imminent approach, and while I did anticipate it, I do not look forward to it. I'm not sure what this experience will make me become. What if I become more monstrous? I'm already so old (hopefully much more matured), how much more damage can I do, right?

And on the days when we're alive, I choose to love.

I hope you do too.

"I wish somebody would have told me that
That some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won't forget."

"I hate you, but I love you; I can't stop thinking of you"

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

"Now love's a broken record
That's been skippin' in my head"
--Stuck, Stacie Orrico

It's a new chapter. It feels like a restart button (I wished it was a reset button). I haven't really like snapped out of it yet, its been such a blur. I know that nothing much has changed in many people's lives. But in the past two months, so much has happened, so much has changed within me. Maybe a little on the outside as well. I've gained some weight (noooooooo! I'm in the process of losing it) and I've got straighter hair now, slightly red as well.

I felt like I lived this entire two months of my life entirely on my own, like zero impact to anyone else, but me. I suddenly had these extra stories, those people, the interactions, the laughter and the frustration, all the amusing things and all the disturbing things, the memories that I didn't know would become memories. I still kinda space out some days and I imagine myself back there, I remember the scent of the room, the cold marble floor, the musty wooden cupboard and the chilling cold wind that comes through my windows. I suppose I do miss it, I miss the weather the most. Nobody will hear those stories. Soon I will slowly forget them, only to be reminded occasionally. There will be little reminders to remind me of those little, fleeting moments back there.

I like being here, no doubt. But there is this giant weight on my heart that just doesn't feel just right either. Its not that I didn't know, but I think it became much more true recently. It doesn't matter where I am, here or there, I am all alone.

Thinking back, in a very rational sense, it was a blessing. The entire ordeal was a blessing, an experience I would not give anything up for, something I would do all over again if I could turn back time. Going there, I wished it would change me. I wished that the place, the people, the situation, would all force me to be... better. I think the thought was planted in my head "You're not going to be the same person when you come back" but that sentence was said with such negative connotations. As if that new, changed me would be worse off than the person that I was before I left. I didn't feel like a good person when I left, I didn't understand why any change from that would be a bad thing. I was cross and confused as to why those changes would make anyone less fond of me. But, I was also curious if those changes would make me better... or worse.

Maybe they were right. But maybe, I didn't have too much of a problem with a little change in me. It was already happening, I knew it. I just felt that my actual move to another place would complete that change.

And it did. Rewired.

It's been awhile since I got back. I really haven't spoken much about what happened there, the entire experience, and now I think I am actually beginning to forget it. Or more like, I don't know how to use words to describe all that anymore. I don't know what are the points to mention, what are the things that I should actually be saying, if I'm saying anything at all. Apparently my very generic answers have been sufficient to fulfill people's curiosity. But that's because there wasn't much.

So much has happened, everything so quickly, since I was there, since I came back. In fact, so much had happened in the short period of time that I came back that it felt like suddenly all that time in Shanghai never existed. Truthfully, all those happened in my head. In reality, all I do is sit around a lot. Wait a lot. Do nothing a lot. Sleep a lot. Watch Korean dramas a lot. Eat a lot.

Those photos they took of me, I don't know how real the smiles are. But I am glad that it depicts some form of joy. Something that even I find rare in my own photos.

I hope I have been spending my time wisely. Unsure of the consequences of my actions now, but I know for sure that I won't regret any of this.

I scare even myself sometimes. I think I'm becoming more crazy, a lot crazier. 

I am so, so blessed. 

나도 행복 하고싶다.

Monday, October 23, 2017

“Will you stop it?”
“Stop what? Talking to myself?”
“Then who else would I talk to?” 

The silence is overwhelming. I’m so tired. My pretense is getting weaker now. I’m just waiting. Waiting for time to pass. I’d like to believe that I am making the best out of it. For now, I still do. But I’m seeing so much truth, I don’t know how much longer I can keep silent.

I’ll be better when I’m distracted. I believe. I hope.

I have to be. 


Sunday, October 15, 2017

你 最 近 不 说 话
You've been quiet lately
怎 么 了 为 什 么
What's the matter, why?
是 不 是 有 什 么 事 讓 你 不 快 乐
Is there something making you unhappy?

听 说 你 最 近 很 孤 单
I heard you've been lonely recently,
有 点 乱
A little confused,
有 点 慌
A little out of it,
可 是 我 却 不 能 够 在 你 的 身 旁
Yet I cannot be by your side

你 想 要 的 我 却 不 能 够 给 你 我 全 部
What you want - I know, but I can't give you my all
我 能 给 的 却 又 不 是 你 想 要 拥 有 的
But what I can give is not what you want
我 们 不 适 合 也 不 想 认 输
We aren't suitable for each other, but we do not want to admit defeat
好 几 次 我 们 抱 着 彼 此 都 是 想 要 哭
Many times we embrace each other, wanting to cry.

I set myself up for this. One day, I pray, I will be strong enough to make decisions for my own life and I will no longer utter the words that says ‘I have no choice’ because that is literally all I feel for the last few years. One day, I will be able to take control of my own life and be content with the decisions I make.

"I'm only human, can't you see?"

Monday, October 2, 2017

"One day you'll meet me and
you'll know it's not a dream
It won't be hell or heaven
We'll be somewhere in between" 
--Hotel, Kita Alexander  

This song has been speaking to me so much, I have no idea why. It makes my heart sink, makes me hold my breath, it makes me cry. I can't even specifically identify what the song reminds me of, who it reminds me of. It just sings of a certain kind of loss that I feel so deeply, so often.


Today is Monday. I was in bed till 4pm. A new realization is kicking in. My holidays are coming to an end. Ironically, it is the first day of the National Week holiday here in China. Although I am constantly questioning.. why did all this happen? Why am I here? What am I doing? What was God's plan? Why did He bring me here to see these things, to meet these people? Why did I have to learn this experience? What is the lesson? What is going to happen after this?

There was a strange peace that covered me. Like, probably the ones who have been speaking to me listen to me complaining constantly and constantly stressed out about making decisions and all that. But while I was here, whatever was happening, I look in the mirror and I ask "what am I doing?". While there is no answer, I still felt there's a certain knowing that just everything will be okay.

A lot of things don't make sense now, my life is still pretty much unsettled. Like sand on the the beach, every time a wave comes in, sand get stirred. And the waves, they never stop coming in. Reality still calls out to me. It doesn't mean that I don't know I'm basically walking from one set of problems into another. Right back into my problems.

Its slowly hitting me that all the things that I had under control, will not be anymore, if I become present in those problems again. The person that I didn't want to be, the people I don't want to deal with, that same pain, is all still there. I just... moved away. Trying to see how long I can avoid it until it subsides.

I think the biggest lesson I have learnt from this experience, is that I can really see many people's real face now. Many. Few? Having me re-evaluate my belief in humanity again. And the people I surround myself with. While over here, I caught a glimpse of how much lies are being told on a daily basis, unfortunately participating in it as well, necessarily so.

I thank God for that strange peace everyday, just holding me everyday.

Let's see where the road takes me now.

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

I don't like the words ringing in my head, those horrible words that you've said. I don't like that horrible thought that keeps playing in my mind, keeping me still. I mean.. it pushed me away, and now its forcing me to stay away.

Freedom. Its not actually real, is it? Its never real. What does it take to be free?

"God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, He will also provide a way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” 
1 Corinthians 10:13b 

Desperately in need of a pep talk right now. My sanity is dwindling.


Sunday, September 24, 2017

Hello, from Shanghai! 

Its been a strange journey. I'm at my 2nd weekend here and.. well. Everything is a contradiction. I can't seem to really figure out what I feel about everything that is happening. There's good, there's bad, but I have no idea which is more and which is less and which is appealing to me more. Things are not exactly better here, but not exactly worse either.

I'm not exactly homesick (yet) I think. I miss home, of course I do. I think I am fun-sick, not homesick. There is nothing to do here, literally. I can't move around freely, the sky gets dark at 6pm then the whole world seems to stop turning. I would like to explain where I am exactly, but honestly, even I'm not sure. I am just.. in the middle of plantations and trees and long, straight highways. Rivers. There's a lot of river here. I think I am doing a really bad job at explaining.

Let me supply you with a photo..

Work-wise, everything is weird. I have definitely been spoilt by the corporate life, the big MNCs, international business. Now I am here, in a really small room, with a really big screen but a small table, the glare gives me a headache everyday. The aircon is a standing aircon, which power actually amuses me, because it looks like tiny and Chinese, compared to those giant freezing cold centralized aircon they have in tall buildings. There are no tall buildings here. It seems like the tallest building I've seen nearby is the apartment building next to mine, its probably like 18 floors tall? Hmm.

There's a lot of green. Green everywhere. Its a green, open spaced prison here. Its like a prison from fun. I have no idea what they do for fun here. Maybe that's why Chinese people are so addicted to the dramas and series. Hmm. What about life beyond a screen?

I am here, writing this, facing a screen, because I also don't have anything to do outside also. Can't go anywhere on my own. Its really funny, because I am with a Moroccan very often, and he looks like a foreigner. They're shocked at fact that he can speak Chinese. But then they look at me and they're like "You're not Chinese?? You don't speak Chinese?" in such disbelief, its amusing at the opposite reactions we are getting. I've told people I am American.. Singaporean? So funny, probably I will say Korean next. I can't seem to place myself in any other countries. Any further Asian country suggestions?

Today as I sat alone at the China Gong Cha, with an American setting (lol at the contradictions in China is epic). My life here is a contradiction. As I was saying, I was sitting at iGong Cha alone, and I kinda wanted to be alone. But the weather was good and chill, the place was decent, there were people walking around and there were dogs running around, lights and all. And in that moment I didn't want to be alone.

 I literally still don't know what's going on in my life, still not able to get my shit together, still no idea what to do with myself. My heart is heavy, it's everywhere, in different places, in pieces, it's definitely not settled. 

Time is a friend and the biggest enemy.

잠간 인사 할게.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

이별 이 왔네. 난 잠간 갈거야. 잘해 야지.

I'll be going for awhile. Just awhile. At least for now. Thank you so much to all the love and kindness. You have all been so amazing, I cannot be anymore blessed.

I'll miss blogging. Maybe I'll have more stories to tell. Maybe I'll experience more life, more everything. Or maybe I won't.

I'll be back. Please wait for me. And remember me.

This is a temporary goodbye.

"Love, pride, deep fried chicken."

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

"Told a story about a man who was too afraid to fly so he never did land."

 I don't want to be the person who is too afraid to fly. At the same time...

"And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?"

I want to find 'myself out there'. These words are questionable. Am I not 'myself' enough now that I need to go 'out there' to find myself? What even is 'out there'? Where is this 'out there'? Will I miss this 'me' the song is singing about? What am I really looking for?

Packing is always a trip down memory lane; makes you open folders kept in the far corners of the cupboard, makes you unseal envelopes that you had forgotten the contents of, makes you read words written years ago, makes you see photos of faces you don't see anymore, makes you remember the people you've once loved, makes you remember the people who once loved you, makes you appreciate the ones who are still around, makes you realize how much (or how little) you have grown. Very, very nostalgic.

Of course I found a lot of pain in all these items and memories. But oddly enough, I just feel so... blessed. In all my 24 years of existence, all the people who's paths I have crossed, the ones who come and go, the ones who stay for awhile, and the ones who'll stay for a long time (if not forever). I am just suddenly dumbfounded on how much love has been given and received. Yeah, insert words about how love is the thing that makes the world go around, is the center of all life and existence and bla bla bla. I do believe in that though, ironically.

I just can't wrap my head around it. What have I done to deserve all this love? I can't seem to put in words how grateful I am for all of it, so much of it. Small ones, big ones, all the same love. At this point I am experiencing this weird feeling where I think I've lived a good life, I am content. Is that what I'm feeling? Maybe its that feeling I was talking about when I said that I feel calm when everything suddenly turns white (a referral to an old post). I feel that as long as I remember that, I can die tomorrow and I would be okay with it. Given, I think I still want to live (gasp! shock! horror!) and I still have things to achieve and more people to know and love. On the other hand, remembering when times are low, I always know what I did to deserve the pain. Always. I remember the lessons I've learnt, what changed me, what makes me who I am today, the good, the bad, the ugly.

I will love better. That's the goal. In my own twisted ways, I will. 

At this point, I feel extreme anxiety, uncertainty drives me crazy scared and not knowing what's in store for me across the South China Sea. My very good friend, Insomnia, has returned again, as on cue. I am scared, but I feel that small tinge of positivity. I just hope that its God telling me that everything is going to be okay. With a warm hug. I need many hugs right now :(

"I already know there ain't no stopping."

Thursday, August 31, 2017

"We were always like parallel lines. No matter how close we got, our paths never cross." 

If I left, would our paths never cross again? Will you forget my name? Will you not recognize me anymore with age and experience? Will you forget what I meant to you?

Who I am really writing about? I don't even know anymore. Its like a collective feeling of leaving; losing. Am I? This is really weird. I think what I am experiencing is the ever famous FOMO. Took me a long time to wrap my head around that phrase. Why does it feel like I'm afraid I'll be missing out on something back here? I would have removed myself from the lives of those who matter to me.

The real question is.. how much does it actually matter? Do I... matter?

Yeah, the insecurities are kicking in. Dammit.

Its quite like me, that even upon leaving, I just have to leave a mess behind.
Create a whirlwind, some chaos, then leave.

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