Friday, March 22, 2019

'Cause they ask me if I still think about you 
Only all the time.

16th March 2019. 

I know. I know where I stand. 

But damn, I tried.

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

I want to change my mind. 
Remind me why I should be alive. 

As is.

Sunday, February 24, 2019

But I didn't find that person and I don't say much; but it still feels that way. 

The small Milo box, the single can of Nescafe, the expensive char kuey teow, the funny, big, black and white paper bag that says 'Especially for you', the little heart at the end, betting with my own money, the L-sized grey t-shirt, the black Adidas shoes, the misspelled words, the warmth. 

"When the sun goes down
And the band won't play
I'll always remember us this way."
-- Lady Gaga

It's February. Just reminding myself it's February. And it's 2019. When will I stop being a fool? Why do I say as if 2019 should hold any meaning lol. 

Ok, bye. 

No point

Sunday, January 6, 2019

Running low, running out. 

But not moving at all. 


Saturday, December 15, 2018

I'm so tired of pretending to laugh, pretending to be nice and friendly and all around okay. I'm not.

I wonder how many millions out there feel this exact feeling.

"I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you, baby even to your darkest hour,
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you."

I would never hurt you this way. You should know that.

I can't read her

Monday, December 3, 2018

"언제라도 너의 곁에 빈자리가 나면 날 봐주겠니멀어지는 손 니가 잡아준다면 세상 눈부실 텐데
If someday there’s no one by your side, will you look at me? If you hold my distant hand, the world would shine brightly."

This song talks about being someone's best friend, a secret love. 

"너 아니면 나 중 한 명은 바보떠나지도 다가가지도 못하고
You or me, one of us is a fool, can’t leave nor get closer to each other."

I've loved a number of people in my life. They were all real and at that exact moment, maybe I found that I could not love anyone or anything else more. Everyone has that One Great Love, I really can't tell if I've had mine, but maybe if you're comparing every love to that one, then maybe I did. 

It was the best and the worst, all at the same time. 

Some loved me more, some didn't love me at all and some didn't know that I loved them. 

There's absolutely no point to this post, other than the fact that my mind's going all crazy wondering why all this is happening to me and why I keep making decisions like this. 

"If you see her

Tell her that she’s fcked it, I can’t read her
We both know she’s not perfect either
But if she says she loves me, let me see her."
- Lany

what you don't know won't kill you

Monday, November 19, 2018

"So if love is nothing more than just a waste of your time
Waste it on me"

There's a lot of pain in this world. On days where it hits me the hardest, I think to myself 'human aren't made to withstand this much pain'. But are we? 

I'm asking the same questions now.

"왜 사느냐 물었다. 그냥. 그냥. 다들 그냥 산단다.
왜 죽으냐 물으면 지쳤다 하겠다."

Why do people live? Just, just because. People just live.
Why do people die? They'd say they were tired.

Some people choose to live, to go through it all, the good, the bad, the pain, the joy. Maybe these people have the ability to program their minds to turn the bad into less bad. Maybe they were lucky, lucky to have just a little, slightly more joy in their lives. Maybe they got saved. 

Some people choose not to. Some people just can't? Some people just decide to stop feeling all those things, stop trying, stop surviving, no hope, no strength, no choice, no more. 

So what makes the difference? Between these two types of people, between the ones who lives and the ones who choose to die? Why do people live? Why do people die? Do people just live because they got no reason to die? Do people just die because they got no reason to live? Do people stay alive for no reason at all other than the fact that it seems to be our default state? 

Our default state is to be alive. I literally laughed at that statement as I typed it. This statement takes all the meaning out of it, doesn't it? What if rebelling meant to not be in our default state, and that meant to no longer be alive? Are we all just waiting to die? It feels like that's how I've been living. 

“Loving you was dumb, dark and cheap
Loving you still takes shots at me
Found loving you was sunshine, but then it poured,"

It's pouring.

정말 고생했어.

You've done a good job. 

Judgemental eyes and fake smiles

Friday, October 26, 2018

Every moment was laced with some kind of emptiness, in knowing that these are temporary, trying so hard to give it meaning. But alas, it all sums up to nothing.

There is a price to pay, most times I'm willing to pay it. It's not regret, it's a mere wondering of what it would be if I made different choices.

"You lied to me, this is exactly how I imagined it to be, but you told me it wasn't going to be."

If I went under a wave and never came back up. If I walked out and never turned back. If I was stronger. If I dared. If I did something, if I did nothing.

No if would make me change. The hell is wrong with you, self. Maybe, just maybe, you deserve this.

"I'm sorry I exist." 

Your life would be better if I didn't exist. Heck, my life would be better if I didn't exist. 

"When you look at me, the whole world fades,
I'll always remember you this way."
-- Lady Gaga

Gentle reminder

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

I'm speaking to the ones with the good hearts, and the ones I've been the good heart to. I've received a lot of love and kindness too, despite all those heartbreaks, those of which I always remember. I remember those moments when I sit alone and my heart is full. That feeling that in that specific moment, you are important. Be it a nice, kind text, an act of kindness, a free milo, a little kiss on the side of your forehead, a tight hug, an offer of the last biscuit, a sip of someone else's favourite drink, the list goes on and on. This is just to serve as a gentle reminder, your good heart, you need to keep it good. For as long as you can. Love your good heart the way you love someone else's good heart.  


The new environment brings new memories (which will somehow turn bad later) and hopefully distances me away from the old one. Here, I'm more alone, suddenly there's a lot more space. In my deep, dark place, I may get lost here alone, but hopefully it'll make me feel more.. at home

In a way, this should be a new beginning. I was so focused just getting out of there I didn't really begin to think of the implications. I only thought of one, but that one doesn't last. Now I'm sitting here in my new chair typing this and I feel maybe I should take a step back and evaluate where this is bringing me. It's like I inadvertently took a step forward in my life and then I'm here and maybe in a few more steps forward, I'd suddenly realise there's nothing here but me, alone. Then it'll become another mission, maybe by then it'll be a race because I'll be older and maybe wiser and then there'll come that wave of 'get your shit together' and I'll drown

Ok, drama queen Jill showed up. 

Disregarding all the drama, there are many things to be grateful for. Just needed to ground myself a little bit. All these in-betweens getting the best of me. Is it an innate human flaw to always try to believe that I deserve better than this and at the same time knowing that I'm not good enough for much? 

"There's an art to life's distractions
To somehow escape the burning weight, the art of scraping through
Some like to imagine the dark caress of someone else
I guess any thrill will do."

Just more 'what ifs'

Monday, August 27, 2018

What if I said something? What if I told the truth? What if I stopped playing along? What if I went behind your back and stopped lying?

"All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something"
- Matchbox Twenty, Unwell

I sleep too much, and I sleep too little. And tomorrow's still good for nothing.

Nope, I am still not well. I doubt I would be for awhile. A much longer while.

I saw a glimpse of freedom awhile ago. I hate that I felt that small, small relief. I hate that I am not relieved. I hate that 'normal' is the best solution.

I've been throwing myself a pity party all weekend, please excuse me, it is my blog afterall. I am angry, I am sad, I feel helpless, I feel like I need a voice, I feel like I have too much to lose, I feel like I have nothing at all. They weren't kidding when they said INTJs live in contradictions.

Why do I need to apologize for having feelings? Why do I have to apologize that having feelings sometimes screws things up very much?

你要我說多難堪 / You want me to say it, it is very embarrassing
我根本不想分開 / I just don't want us to part
為什麼還要我用微笑來帶過 / Why do I still come across with a smile?
我沒有這種天份 / I do not have this kind of talent

an idea

Saturday, July 21, 2018

"You wear the face of someone I loved."

I said your name today. As the word left my mouth, my fingers curled and my insides did triple flips. I'm trying to be polite here, but my soul almost died that day.


I don't think I'll ever be ready for part 2. There's no amount of preparation that could make this any easier to go through. I don't really recognize myself anymore. Like I can't say that I'm proud of myself for making this far, neither can I really admit how pathetic it might be at some times. I can't say that it isn't worth it, but neither can I say that the all this is okay.

So all I am is stuck in my infamous state of being indecisive and selfish and unable to lose what I do not have. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Every good moment is laced with some hidden hurt that's bound to hit me. I'm afraid to laugh because I fear the bad things that will follow. I've been entertaining too many what ifs. What if nothing happened? What if I didn't do anything? What if I walked away? What if nothing ever happened? Am I missing out on life? Maybe. Maybe not. 

I've had reality slap me in the face one too many times this year. So I keep thinking and thinking and thinking.. is this still karma? God, please help me. 

Why do all memories end up becoming bad memories? These days, more and more I question myself, how the hell did I get tangled up in this? 

Bad decisions.
Bad, bad decisions. 

Burning all the numbers

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

“I want you forever 
Even when we’re not together
Scars on my body so I can take you wherever
I want you forever
Even when we’re not together
Scars on my body I can look at you whenever”

-- Bad Things, Camila Cabello

So, phase 2 begins. I've mostly made it through the first phase with some scratches and earned some scars, but at least I made it? Now it's June, and it's going to go up one level on difficulty but I think at least.. I've taken the time to guard my heart and to rewire my mind.

I believe I will still have these moments where I'll need to recollect myself, somehow gather some strength, cry, break down, breathe, and start all over again.

I have no idea what's going to happen. But, I shit you not, bad things always happen.

This eternal tiredness I feel, it doesn't ever go away, does it?

"The painful scream that I heard last"

Monday, June 4, 2018

What is personal integrity? 
I’ll define this from one of my favourite books. 
1. conforming reality to our words” 
2. being loyal to those who are not present” 
-- Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Everyday, I need to try to convince myself that I do not want that. I don't. But I definitely do not want this too. Sorry, the whining is literally going to continue and continue because it's a daily struggle. I don't really want to 'shut the hell up and pull myself together'. I do that in real life, this is why this blog exists.

Integrity. Loyal to those who are not present. This hit me a little harder than I expected. In this definition, I'm wondering how much integrity do I have? I'm wondering if there are people who are even 'loyal to me' when I'm not present. I doubt. I wish I didn't, but I do. In my self reflection, I realize that this may not be something I fully practice, at least not to the extent that I wish I could. I don't think this kind of loyalty exists anymore in this time we live in. But that's just me saying that I don't have as much personal integrity as I wish I do.

I think the point of this post was that upon reading this, I remember these certain many times that I find out that the people whom I care for (who supposedly care for me too) have not been 'loyal' when I wasn't present and it just hit home a little. Home being the usual place of casual hurt and sadness.

Since when hurt became casual? 

"Every night is a big blur
I can't get a hold of my temper
Ain't no one to depend on
I'm falling down and I'm holding it all by a thread now

This ain't my finest hour
Might see my flaws today
My words are out of order
Maybe my drink's to blame
Emptying all my pockets
'Til I don't feel a thing"

-- Cash Cash, Finest Hour

But most days, I am wondering 'what does it feel like to be in love?' 

Do I talk too much?

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

"There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move." --Matchbox Twenty

So it seems like the other day when I made the decision to continue screwing myself over in life and it's often I do not understand why I make such decisions. It feels right, but it's also terribly wrong. Which one do I ignore? I'm testing myself everyday, pushing and pushing the limits.

It could be worse, it could be better. We can only wait to find out now. I don't know how I am making such ignorant decisions and yet hoping for the best outcome. I don't trust myself in human judgement now, everybody talks. Says things, do whatever it takes, almost always for selfish reasons. And as usual I am here wondering if there's ever a chance for humanity.

They've thrown out all your things, something I should be doing too.

I would have loved you

Sunday, May 20, 2018

I think in time there will come a day when you wake up
and think of me and the only words that will come to mind will be,
"What have I done?"

I hope you regret this. 

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