I hope nobody reads this.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Well, that was like a slap in the face. I probably had a series of emotions go through me after hearing just those few sentences. Its not something I want to hear, I'm not really sure I needed to hear it either, but I guess there's a reason I heard it. Sigh. To hear it from people who barely know me, barely had a full conversation with me prior to this one, who doesn't really care about me anyway. Hmmm. Oh well. I couldn't help but feel judged. That's not fair, you don't even know what I have to say. Hmph. Nvm. Getting over it right.... now. 

I've heard all kinds of things from many different people, some who really have my full respect, all older, more experienced. Does this mean I should also go get inspiration from someone younger? Hmmm. Not a bad idea, first I have to find someone. I've heard things that were nice, motivational, hopeful. I've heard things that were, well.. meant as a slap on the face, to wake up to reality. Some made me realize there's people out there who knows, who cares. Some made me realize that people really just don't give shit about what happens to other people's lives. Well, as long as I remain alive I guess. 

Some made me remember. I think I just got sick of working for it. I mean, it reminded me of the days of Ass Pee Am. Hmmm. I'm glad to find that I can actually look back at it now and smile. That last two months were the worst. I almost only slept 4 hours a day, in the day, and never at night. I'd snack and snack the night away (explains the terrible acne) and keep praying all night through. Occasionally, I let a little tears flow to calm myself down and get started again. I couldn't stop, quitting was not an option. But I felt it, I felt God with me. 

Those days I would look at my Chemistry results and get so annoyed, I would study so hard so that I would know at the end of the day, even though I didn't know throughout the year. I would make sure I'll never make those same mistakes again. I would look at my Addmaths book and think "This is okay, I can do it" and be so devastated when I didn't. All the time. Sigh. And with the very apathetic Kristal as guidance, I also knew I had to be better at addmaths. Constantly bombarding my very motivating deskmate with my econs, because she loved and she was good at it, I had to love it and I had to be good at it. With Jo, I found out what passion for writing is like for the first time, then I also knew I had to, so I begin to love English. At the end of the day, I'd like to think "I made it, with God's help, I made it all worth it. I've done it for myself, making the burden on my mother's shoulders lighter and my dad proud was only the bonus." 

That was my first experience, really proving myself that I was capable. I don't even remember UPSR or PMR. Well, okay. I remember PMR a little. I had such a hard time with Maths and Geography. Haha. Ahh, Geography. One of those that I constantly got a C for. One time, I was done with it, because everybody around me (deskmate, again) was so good at it that I had to be. I guess I learnt to love that too. I don't know how, I still can't comprehend how I did that. 

In conclusion, what I'm lacking now, are my bestfriends. Just kidding. I mean, I do need my bestfriends with me. But I also know the problem lies in me. I've worked through CIMP on my own, now that was a different phase. I think maybe I thought it was too easy. I worked hard too, but it was just like I knew that I will do well, had I worked at it. Then, I just kinda stopped. CIMP definitely showed me something so new and different that I'm now spoilt by it.

Now, I'm stuck here and I'm not doing anything about the "achievements" that I've previously worked so hard for. I can't find it in myself to do it anymore. Yes, yes, I know. That's not it. I'm just taking the easy way out. Thanks for the verbal slap, friend.

I thought it through. Its not even about the effort anymore, its about the choice. I need a choice first before there is effort. Ugh. Then, I need to find back that 17 year old who tried so hard not to kill herself when dealing with exams and actually made it through, by God's grace. The one who gave up but held on tighter, the one who fell down and continued crawling. Consequently found God's hand to hold and got back up.

I've had some real good people in my life. Whether they're still here or not, I know they were there and they loved me, like how I loved them. 

아빠 가서.  

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