Because I feel like posting a meaningless blogpost.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

I wish I had a definite stand in what I think, like most writers do. They have a point to argue, one they believe in so deeply that its like a big, strong tree trunk that doesn't waver despite the hurricane. What is this nonsense metaphor I'm using. Maybe it is exactly what I'm trying to say. No matter how big and strong the tree is, when a bigger, stronger, scarier hurricane comes, the tree will still fall, when its roots fail to grasp any longer. Maybe that doesn't apply to anyone else but me.

I use too many maybe's in my blog. Sigh. The silence has been overwhelming. At first it was devastating, slightly deafening. Then it became the only thing I hear. No, not really. Because there was a mix of many many MANY replays of Gangnam Style, the god-awful drilling that came from upstairs, loud, obnoxious club music, sudden blasts of fireworks and the usual slow, depressing music coming from my own laptop, oh, and of course, the occasional beeps from my phone.

While supposedly studying for my finals, I have come to a terrible, slow, realization that my memory doesn't last more than 6 hours. Why don't they have a memory disease like that? How am I supposed to believe that we have supposed unlimited capacity in our long term memory that is also supposed available but not accessible? WHAT IS THE POINT OF MAKING ME MEMORIZE ALL THAT KNOWING I WON'T BE ABLE TO REMEMBER IT? I think psychologists are trying to troll us. I think I'm too narrow minded to become a psychologist.

I think its safe for all my (barely there) readers to expect a new post every time I have some kind of exam/quiz/assignment due. I haven't failed myself even once before when it comes to this, despite the other numerous things I have failed.

The counselor told me, "At least you figured it out early enough". Then I realized again that I am not that dysfunctional. No, I am not. I already know. I knew. I was not going to go ahead with something that is just not 'right'. But there's just no way to be sure, never. "You just have to take risks. After all, if there's no risk, there's no decision." Hmmm. Then she told me that I was just afraid. Sigh. When am I ever going to learn. 

On the other hand, I need to study. I am never going to get through university. I bumped into an old friend, friend? Are we friends? Hmmm. I spent a total of approximately 7 days with him. That is the extent of our friendship. He's a supposed genius, and I do not doubt that. His mind works in wondrous ways, the kind that I always envy. After so long, I ask him again, what is he doing, and he told me he's going back to CPU for another semester. I have to stop myself from asking, why, why do you keep going backwards when you have all you need to move forward? I'm thinking maybe, just maybe they have a great life plan that they will eventually get through with, despite the long routes they keep taking. Or, maybe they're just afraid. 

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, 
but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
2 Timothy 1:7

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