More, more, more.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Charles Bukowski writes, “How can you say you love one person when there are ten thousand people in the world that you would love more if you ever met them? But you’ll never meet them. All right, so we do the best we can. Granted. But we must still realize that love is just the result of a chance encounter.”


Monday, May 27, 2013

Does my blog have too many pictures?

I titled this picture : A Conversation with Myself.

My first fishtail braid ever! So happy. Heh. 


So, its been 5 days post op. No more pills to eat. I am still in a lot of pain, this has been such a strange journey but I do appreciate all the time I'm spending here.

Thank you, God.

"A girl who shines even when she says something poisonous
A girl who doesn’t pretend not to know when she does know
A girl who is attractive without knowing exactly what it is about her
Bad bad bad bad girls"
-Lee Hyori, Bad Girls


Thursday, May 23, 2013


I stared up at the sun   
Thought of all the people, places 
and things I've loved  
I stand up just to see 
Of all the faces, 
you are the one next to me

If I lose myself tonight 
It'll be by your side
If I lose myself tonight  
It'll be you and I


"I don’t want to feel obligated right now. I don’t want to feel responsible for your feelings, I’m not responsible for your feelings, and believe me, I know that I’m shitty, I know I’m bad, you don’t need to remind me, I know I don’t deserve you. I know you like me, and I’m sorry for being the way I am, but today, could you please just leave me alone, please?"

Oh, the past that still clings on the me like a koala bear. 
Fade away, please. 


I keep seeing so many people falling. We are alike in so many ways, yet all apart and alone. Is this a phase that every 20-something goes through? Yet, these are the choices that we make. This part, the understanding that maybe our future is somewhere out there, somewhere where we are far apart and trying to live an adventure all the time, is flawed. The more time goes by, the more I'm convinced. 
Its not true.

Why do we all have to go through the exact same thing but apart? Makes everyone wonder why we made the choices that we first did, being completely fooled that it may bring us somewhere better, somewhere further, somewhere where we can be anything we want, somewhere where nobody knows us, somewhere our dreams can be achieved. 

Taking risks, yes? 

Great. There is nothing else left to say but one thing. One thing everyone just finds really hard to believe. You are not alone in this. 

Ironically, everything that you go through, every little thought in your head, every tear you cry, every hug you want, every shaking hand, every wobbling feet, every cold sweat you break into, every little decision you make, every criticism you make of yourself, every condemnation, every unforgiveness, every stab you give to your cold, little heart, you are alone. 

Your experience is yours alone. It doesn't matter how many people you tell, it doesn't matter how well you tell it, it doesn't matter how many times you tell it. Because nobody will know. And nobody will understand. They will have their own experience, albeit similar, it is not yours. Yours is yours alone. 

Remember it. Think about it. Write about it. Cry about it. Analyze it. Do everything you want about it. Tomorrow still comes. 


I am being extremely strange, and not making sense. 
Not making sense at all. 

Quick update.

1. I watched Star Trek and Great Gatsby, they were both awesome although I have to say that Star Trek has become one of my top favorite movies. 
2. I have gone through my second surgery, removing my 2nd wisdom tooth, went through what I would call a Terrible Anxiety Attack, and wishes never to have to go through something like that again.  

Nobody will know. 
3. I probably had one Friday night that I can consider my best and worst day of May. 

Ex-bestfriend, ex-boyfriend, new acquaintances.
4. Now I want to just go back into my little cocoon and stay there forever. And ever.


I trust in God
I trust in God

I trust in God
I trust in God


Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I think that sometimes, happiness can be very obvious. Very outward, very bold, very blinding. Happiness can be seen. On their faces, through their eyes, in the way they stand, the way their hair is swept to one side of their neck, the way they place one leg in front of the other when they walk, the way they smile. 

It just shows. 


SO. I went on a impromptu day trip to Genting with my best friends and my best friend's best friend.


The weather was slightly strange. I mean.. it was hot then it was cold then it was hot again. Mehhh. I did appreciate all the times where it was cold. And then when it was cold, I appreciated the times when it was warm. What am I saying. 

The wind was awesome.

We literally took an hour to get there, waited for an hour to get on the Spiderman ride, walked around for an hour, and then took another hour to get back. It was all worth it.

On the cable car, which I haven't been on for awhile. Suddenly being reminded how scary it feels to be hanging on a line.

감사합니다 친구야~

Post birthday was somewhat better than birthday. 
Or, maybe I'm just biased.

the kindness of a Saviour.

Saturday, May 11, 2013


"Who do we hold on to and who do we force ourselves to forget? The hardest thing about love often seems to be the extremes. How quickly it can go from “hold me through the night” to “get fck off of me.” One day you’re in a hotel gift shop with the person you love and you look over at them and start to see different things, things you wish you were never able to see. This is the beginning of the end, the beginning of “get the fck off of me.” You know in that moment that you’ll be ignoring them five years from now in a grocery store."

This. How can these stupid things relate to me so much? :/


That's besides the point of this post. 
I just turned 20!

The strangest celebration ever. It just gets stranger and stranger every year. But with that said, I am not longer a teen! :/ Mixed feelings about that. I think I miss being the awkward age of 19. This might have been the loneliest birthday ever, mainly because all those close to me are all.. not here. My sister, thank you for the tear-inducing blog post, Kristal and Jo for the very heartwarming whatsapp messages, Ezzie for being the first few to wish me (I'm sorry I didn't get to see you, trust me when I say I'd rather I did, forgive me T__T), my mum who's in Ipoh and Sam for already celebrating it with me, and Omar for the comfort.

 Also, thanks to Wing Tim who did come down to Subang to celebrate with me. :) I am grateful, amongst other things that I feel. I am mostly just grateful.

Also, meet the new addition to my bed. I call it Tabby. But I think it has a Chinese name. Ah Wong? Lol. Such an unexpected event. I am blessed to have these significant people in my life. I must learn to treasure them much more than I already do. 

I am purposely choosing to ignore everything else that happened besides all these happy stuff. Honestly, the best time of my 20th birthday was the first 6 hours and the last 45 minutes.

감사하고 사랑해요.
I love you. All.

"I'm never changing who I am."

Thursday, May 9, 2013

"Its because I was educated to appreciate things in front of me." 

These are the kind of conversations that all happen real early in the morning, when our minds Sometimes it gets a little too deep, a little too scary, a little too intensed, and a just little too honest

These are the kind of sentences that come out of nowhere, probably at the most far end of our minds, or the most deepest, saddest, most real side of our hearts. One small sentence can say so much, can mean so much. 

....or maybe that's just because it came unexpectedly from someone totally unexpected. 



So, I was back in Ipoh to avoid being slaughtered or trampled on during #GE13. I actually do not want to say anything about this. But here I am, already started. 

I think this is going to be a historical event. Something I might remember and hopefully live to tell my grandchildren or something (if I were to have any). I mean, this is probably the first time I (and half of my generation) have ever been concerned about our country as much as this. 

The news, whether mainstream or social media has been sending out a message that, honestly, in my (and mine only) opinion, is detrimental. The passion that is growing in most people, I dare not regard as healthy passion. Of course, its great. I think its totally great that for the first time in my two decades of life (one more day to go!), I am actually witnessing my generation and the younger generation voicing out. Like finally(!), we have an opinion.

What irks me is.. I probably shouldn't say this but I am going to anyway. I think that its hypocritical for all the people to suddenly declare themselves proud to be Malaysians. Just because now we have a cause to fight for, a Malaysian Tsunami. Okay. I'm gonna stop right here, because I have no idea where my train of thought is heading. Probably somewhere #dark. 

Anyway, I am all for the #ubah, whatever the change would be. Now that a passionate generation is rising, Malaysia can be much more than it ever was. God is doing something great here, moving an entire nation. The time is now. 


So, I've went back to Ipoh to go visit the doctor. And the bump behind my ear happens to be an inflamed lymph node. Sounds scary, even scarier when she said there's no way to get rid of it. Thankfully, its already smaller. And I am not dying. Praise the Lord. 

The other thing that I am more concerned off, is the strange chest pain and difficulty breathing, that has been occurring for a couple of days. So the doctor told me that its possibly...anxiety. Uuhhhmmm. Okay. Yes. That. Great. What? 

Everyone tends to look okay from the outside. Besides, all I do is eat, sleep, sit in front of the computer. What could possibly be wrong with my life right?  Should I be proud of myself for acing the pretend game so well that nobody even wants to believe that there could be something wrong with me? ...inside. All the time. Yeah. Sometimes I also fool myself quite well. The mind is such a complex thing.

I think the chest pains have stopped during my few days back home, but the insomnia doesn't go away. Mehhhh. Now the problem is to prevent the anxiety attacks. Its terrible, super terrible. Terrible things I do not want to experience. Especially since I'm an ex-psychology student. :/ 

And finally having another one of those conversations with someone that you trust and also to be trusted. I must have been really off radar for so long. Sigh. It was like a conversation waiting to happen, waiting and waiting, until it finally happens. The world is not as ugly as it feels right now, I hope we'll still have each other when it all ends. 


On a happier note,

I went to visit the cats.

And to eat pizza as an early birthday celebration.  
Thanks, love. It seems I am just the most comfortable with you.

I'll always be someone's "something"
When will I just be me, my own person?

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