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"I'm never changing who I am."

Thursday, May 9, 2013

"Its because I was educated to appreciate things in front of me." 

These are the kind of conversations that all happen real early in the morning, when our minds are...free. Sometimes it gets a little too deep, a little too scary, a little too intensed, and a just little too honest

These are the kind of sentences that come out of nowhere, probably at the most far end of our minds, or the most deepest, saddest, most real side of our hearts. One small sentence can say so much, can mean so much. 

....or maybe that's just because it came unexpectedly from someone totally unexpected. 

Strange.

*********************

So, I was back in Ipoh to avoid being slaughtered or trampled on during #GE13. I actually do not want to say anything about this. But here I am, already started. 

I think this is going to be a historical event. Something I might remember and hopefully live to tell my grandchildren or something (if I were to have any). I mean, this is probably the first time I (and half of my generation) have ever been concerned about our country as much as this. 

The news, whether mainstream or social media has been sending out a message that, honestly, in my (and mine only) opinion, is detrimental. The passion that is growing in most people, I dare not regard as healthy passion. Of course, its great. I think its totally great that for the first time in my two decades of life (one more day to go!), I am actually witnessing my generation and the younger generation voicing out. Like finally(!), we have an opinion.

What irks me is.. I probably shouldn't say this but I am going to anyway. I think that its hypocritical for all the people to suddenly declare themselves proud to be Malaysians. Just because now we have a cause to fight for, a Malaysian Tsunami. Okay. I'm gonna stop right here, because I have no idea where my train of thought is heading. Probably somewhere #dark. 

Anyway, I am all for the #ubah, whatever the change would be. Now that a passionate generation is rising, Malaysia can be much more than it ever was. God is doing something great here, moving an entire nation. The time is now. 

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So, I've went back to Ipoh to go visit the doctor. And the bump behind my ear happens to be an inflamed lymph node. Sounds scary, even scarier when she said there's no way to get rid of it. Thankfully, its already smaller. And I am not dying. Praise the Lord. 

The other thing that I am more concerned off, is the strange chest pain and difficulty breathing, that has been occurring for a couple of days. So the doctor told me that its possibly...anxiety. Uuhhhmmm. Okay. Yes. That. Great. What? 

Everyone tends to look okay from the outside. Besides, all I do is eat, sleep, sit in front of the computer. What could possibly be wrong with my life right?  Should I be proud of myself for acing the pretend game so well that nobody even wants to believe that there could be something wrong with me? ...inside. All the time. Yeah. Sometimes I also fool myself quite well. The mind is such a complex thing.

I think the chest pains have stopped during my few days back home, but the insomnia doesn't go away. Mehhhh. Now the problem is to prevent the anxiety attacks. Its terrible, super terrible. Terrible things I do not want to experience. Especially since I'm an ex-psychology student. :/ 

And finally having another one of those conversations with someone that you trust and also to be trusted. I must have been really off radar for so long. Sigh. It was like a conversation waiting to happen, waiting and waiting, until it finally happens. The world is not as ugly as it feels right now, I hope we'll still have each other when it all ends. 

**********************

On a happier note,


I went to visit the cats.

And to eat pizza as an early birthday celebration.  
Thanks, love. It seems I am just the most comfortable with you.


I'll always be someone's "something"
When will I just be me, my own person?

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