I'm really trying here, can you give me a break?

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Trying to get some time to myself, to get inside my own head. Its so easy to look pass everything on a daily basis because of the time constraints. I mean, how long do you want to brood over something in a day? Why make the rest of the day suffer for one little thing? Now I'm going to go ahead and contradict myself here because what if that small thing is actually relatively important? Its not like you don't do anything about it today and forget about it tomorrow, then it doesn't become a problem anymore. Isn't that worth brooding over? Do I stop brooding if it potentially ruins somebody else's day? Maybe, maybe not.

I did that for a very long time, and I figured that its really wearing me out. It gets me not thinking about what I really want, what things really mean to me, what I actually and really feel about everything. Is that what it should be? Humans, in general, are social beings. We always interact with someone else, and the people around us are really the ones who end up shaping our lives, apart from ourselves, of course. But if we're going to have to accommodate people for all the days that they're around us, then...what? 

Why do we keep saying sorry for having to compromise ourselves? Sometimes we gotta learn to listen; listen well, listen hard. Now I used to be able to do that very well. Somewhere along the way I feel like I've been sucked up into another part of my life that every other part of me became obsolete. I scoff more often than I can remember now because there's a huge part of me that really wants to just disagree, but that would cause so much conflict, it will kill me to dissolve. I used to hold my tongue really well, because well.. not everyone needs to hear the voice inside my head. But its seemingly getting harder nowadays because I keep getting challenged with all the things that I believe in. Challenge is good, no? NO.

Attachment was never really my forte. Of course, its something we all happen to go through. We meet friends that we generally begin to cherish and then we have that person who becomes our boyfriend/girlfriend, and in my case, I'd say I'm pretty attached to my sister as well. Its easy when you know there's an unbreakable bond, easy when you know the relationship is just situational, and its worst when you have no idea what will happen. Sometimes, that's fine with me. I can accept that people come and go in life, and then I get all mopey and depressed about someone exiting my life and then.. life continues. We complain, we cry, we hurt awhile. And we never forget.

I like being able to speak my mind. Even then, I used to do it through blogging and tweeting, but now I feel like I can't speak my mind anywhere because if anything in my head goes out somewhere, I'd have to explain myself, justify my words, deny myself (sometimes), maybe. Somebody'll take offense. The voice inside my head has been silenced with layers and layers of duct tape.. or something. Every move I make is being watched, I word I say is being judged. I already use my words very carefully, I think very long and hard before I say a statement that I know will make a big impact on the listener, which occasionally garners annoyance, I still take it quite seriously to think before I speak. Is that a problem? Wouldn't people actually be glad that I'm taking effort to make sure I don't say things that are not a reflection of what I truly want to say? Nah, that's just for me, people generally don't care. 

Everything that I worked on in myself is beginning to backfire on me. The patience I used to have, the ability to listen, not judge, my temperament, the ability to see beyond myself, the ability to mask the bad days from innocent people, the ability to hold on to my words. I don't like who I'm becoming, again. I've fallen into that hole before, it was dark and it was far too deep. Never, ever, develop hatred for yourself. Ever.

Just to make myself not feel so bad about the kind of person I am now, maybe I should remind myself what I still have to make myself feel better. I can still hold my tongue (one of my biggest principle in life; when you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything), I still prefer to keep peace than anything else, I let things go so they don't haunt me forever (excluding things that I get constant reminders of), I still don't like to inconvenient people (much) and... this is a really hard paragraph to type, I give up.

Is it really that bad to look out for yourself? When its not at the expense of another person, of course. Does looking out for myself automatically means I'm not looking out for someone else? If I'm looking out for someone, does that mean I'm not looking out for someone else?

There's two type of people in the world, or more like two types of situations. There are people who just want to talk, and all they want is to be heard. The other kind of people are the kind who wants you to hear them out, and offer them a solution. The thing is, it doesn't matter what I say to you, you already know what you want to do. Or you're just too lazy to think for yourself.

Why do people get angry? Because it represents passion? Because passion+anger = motivation? Because anger moves people go beyond themselves? Who came up with things like this? I need to Google this. I didn't use to get angry. I use to have control over my anger so well that it surprises me sometimes. But recently, I feel the urge to stand up for myself much more than I used to, and that's not because of anger though. Is anger contagious? 

What happened to casual conversations; deep, intellectual, fun, righteous, opinionated but understanding? When will the comments in my head not sound offensive to people? I feel like I cheated myself also, being the person that I am now. I can hear the same words I was told back then, ouch. Big ouch. If that's the case, then I'm still doing something wrong, right? 

From the point when I realized all this, I will still remember everything that I learnt.  

Speak kindly.
Love more, love harder.

"Bittersweet memories –
That is all I'm taking with me."
- Whitney Houston, I will always love you

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