Take me back to the beginning.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Back to when it was all filled with crinkly eyed smiles and good laughs and deep conversations. 

"Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me."
-The Scientist, Coldplay

So, it may or may not be obvious that I'm here procrastinating again because I just did the first paper for my finals and it was pretty shitty. And, yes. That. Ugh, I'm falling behind every semester, just barely pulling through. I wonder if this will last. And the next paper is in a few days, and I'm freaking out so bad and its the same cycle again. Freaking out so bad that I'm not doing anything about it. Ugh. Why am I like that? 

On one of my lazy days (laced with silent screams in my head about my finals), I watched P.S I love you again. I don't know why I torture myself with things like that. Guilty pleasures, that's what they call it. And despite all the love messages and all the true love stuff they were trying to send out, one sentence really stood out to me.

"Losing your mind is not for the middle class."

This is true. Too true. Really true. So while I've also spent many days of my 21 years of life breaking down and falling apart and eventually crawling back up again, this statement still remains true. If you were grieving, if you were heartbroken, if you lost the things you love, if you lost yourself, for any of the reasons, losing your mind is not for the middle class. If you were one of those people who were successful (materially speaking) and you have a large figure in your bank account, maybe you can afford to spend days or weeks sitting around, crying your eyes out, eat expensive ice cream from a tub, don't work, don't study, don't cook, don't clean, don't shower, don't sleep (or sleep too much), perhaps you could do just that. 

Maybe you could afford an expensive psychiatrist and pay for someone to just hear you out, who'll try to tell you what's wrong with you and where you should start when it comes to healing yourself. Maybe you can afford to spend bucket loads of money on booze and get pissed drunk, dance and sing and be entertained by some true friends and some shady ones and then spend the entire day after that nursing yourself back to sobriety, and still feel more alone than ever. And repeat until you finally feel like yourself again. 

But for the rest of us, we can't afford to. When you think you're too broken, too sad, too angry, and everything is too much, what's there left to do? Still gotta go to class, still gotta sit for the exams, still gotta finish the work, still gotta wake up everyday and go through the motions of life. The lesson here, is that if you want to be sad, get out of the middle class first.

May's been a tough month, all the stress, piled up assignments, preparing for finals, balancing life, work and play. And the feels. Oh god, the feels. Overwhelming, close to losing it. The things that goes on in my own head beats everything that I have to do out there. Before this, I said 'how to make the heart stop?', now I'd say 'how to make the mind stop?'. Insomnia, stupid nightmares, palpitating heartbeats, shaking legs, shaking hands, blurred eyesight, either eating too much or not eating at all. Hmmm. Getting through all that, then there comes sleepless nights with the finals just started. 

May is over now. We're halfway through. I've made countless mistakes, even I'm beginning to lose count. I'm failing myself over and over. I don't know what's wrong with me. There's no more words to say.  Everyday, the only mantra that runs in my head is "keep loving, keep loving, its the only thing left to do".

Love defies all reasons, love has no eyes.
But love is not blind. Love sees but doesn't mind.

 Remember that.

"And when all of the bridges you build
Are washed away in a stream,
Whatever comes,
It's not the end,
We've gotta fight."

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