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“Schlussmacher”

Tuesday, August 19, 2014



“Even if I miss her, she was the one who broke up with me.”
“Oh, come on Paul. That wasn’t a break up, that was a cry for help.”

Hello, stranger.

Saturday, August 16, 2014


Did you forget already



 This picture says it all, exactly where I am.

Surge of overwhelming emptiness.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand?

Oh, won't you stay with me?


I'm lying here in a bed that only smells of familiarity, yet it doesn't have a place for me anymore. Crashing into the one place I'm not allowed to be, yet I have nowhere else to go. Everything is so.. familiar. My heart beats in a crazy rhythm, filled with a mixture of complacency and remorse. 


Will it all become mere memories? How much time do I have left? When is the time to go? 


Certainly not now. 


"어디 있나요? 행복했어요, 

잊이말아요, 다시 만나." 

8.


...that the kind of pain without open wounds or broken bones
hurts the most and leaves the biggest scars.


This will be our story. The story of our undying, yet impossible love.


"She likes life, she doesn’t need a fancy lifestyle to be happy — she just needs you."

 

roaming around.

Monday, August 11, 2014


Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should've let you win
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should've let you win

"Ain't nobody gonna love you like I do."

Thursday, August 7, 2014



I've been following this blog for awhile now, recently gotten reminded by my sister that I haven't read the last post because they delayed it. Its such an eye opening experiment.

Maybe she reminds me a little about myself, but not entirely. I've never used to be the person who wanted it all. But now.. I probably am. Haha, the power of change. He reminds me a little of me too, the kind of fear and the part where he says he 'gets' to them before they 'get' him. Basically, he dumps them to prevent feeling abandoned when he feels it isn't working out. I'm also begin to understand her 'accommodating' attitude, but the only difference was that the guy actually hated it. Lol, I've been in both their shoes before. What I like the most about the two of them is that they seem to know and understand each other so well and have actual, real concern about what's best for the other. They were honest throughout it all with each other, and how they opened up. I love how mature both of them are, with dealing with their feelings. If only I could make myself, hah. I love how he understands that she has a 'need to know' and that she can't just not talk about it or ignore it and he actually brings it upon himself to make sure she gets what she needs, that's quite rare in a man. I love how he loves her, yet he knows he can't be with her.

They were so cute together, despite all the differences. So happy, and so sad. Maybe I'm also a hopeless romantic who wanted a happy ending at the end. But, when it didn't happen, it just shows me how real love can be and how reality can change everything no matter what it is that you feel. Its a lesson worth learning. Their story resonates with me more because they are so real. Real people with real feelings and real lives that get messy and sad and yet they have each other. Just... real.

I actually still really, really want to experience this experiment. Except I probably can't afford to pay for couple therapy. Does anyone has actual time and interest in doing this? 


_____________________________

So, I've came down with this crazy migraine everyday that occasionally becomes a fever and I think my tonsils are swollen again, yet I have no idea what exactly is wrong with me. Exhaustion, maybe? Haha, funny. Sleep deprivation? Should I get it checked? I sit at home alone and I'm scared of what's happening to me. So, physically I'm probably dying. Mentally, I'm probably like uhmm..


Like that. See the smile on the guy who's hanging by a thread? Dying, yet smiling. Yeah, something like that. This isn't exactly pretense, this is overcoming. I think I know things are actually really bad when even my mum calls to ask me how I am from time to time. Its scary because my mum usually ignores my moodiness and excuse it for my character or just because I'm cranky from the lack of sleep. But I can tell, this time its not the same. She actually gave me a hug that yesterday. And she does call to check if I'm still alive or something. That, she's never used to do. I wonder if she knows anything, hmmm. I'm not sure if I want to know though. I just want to get better, find some form of joy.
"Give them the freedom to have a life outside of you and make the choice to keep you in it—not as an option or the one they throw leftovers to, but the one constant they hold on to every single day."

 "God loves you,
don't give up." 

I'll still have to fight my own demons.

Loss.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

To continue..

Then I came back, spent way too little time thinking about which major to choose and.. that's that. While on the other hand, upon our return back to KL, we received news that my grandma was admitted into the hospital and she was in a critical condition. So there were a lot of trips to the hospital, a few scary phone calls. My aunt and the cousins came back from UK to see her. I think it was more like, to spend her remaining time with her. My grandma actually has stomach cancer and has been suffering from kidney failure. She's fought a long and hard battle and her time was up. 

Honestly, all I was thinking the whole time was "I don't want to attend another funeral"


On the 23rd of July 2014, in the morning, she has returned to the Lord. It was a painful loss at the end of it, despite it not being a shock. Knowing there was nothing more to be done and all we could do was just to wait for her time to come. Maybe a little bit of "I didn't take care of her more" or "I wasn't around enough and now she's no longer here". Arriving at the hospital, yet I didn't arrive with a hello.

The funeral and all, proceeded and it was a slow, sad experience. Despite all that, in the back of my mind, there was a small breathe of acceptance; that she was in a better place now, that she's no longer suffering. That's the most important part of it all. She's lived long, 87 years.

I miss her. But its okay. 



I think everybody should always remember how they were once loved. 
Back when you still knew that there's someone who loves you. 
That's the love you have collected over the years.

Involuntary solitude.

Friday, August 1, 2014

For a moment in time, a few weeks ago, it was easy to write down my irrelevant thoughts. But now, its hard enough to construct a proper sentence to just explain what I'm feeling or thinking. My brain capacity seem to have died with whatever that was remainder of my social life, haha. 

So, it feels like so much have been going on, but actually I haven't been doing much. Just being consumed by my own thoughts and overflowing emotional stress. Firstly, uhm. I don't even know how to begin. Coming back from Singapore... oh wait. I haven't even blogged about Singapore. 

Okay, fine. Quick one. Singapore to me was a quick vacation, a small runaway, a little escape, a form of healing. Because it seems, I had such a hard time trying to find peace within myself, within the four walls of my room.


Also, family trip! And I have been wanting to visit Universal Studios for like ever. 


 And to Far, Far Away. It was a good trip, generally. With a lot of walking, so much walking. And in a new place too, so that was a lot of fun to me; to be able to see another side of Singapore that I would technically have no reason to go to on my own anyway. We stayed at Clarke Quay, and there's alot of tourists there. Also managed to bump into a very old friend, oh the irony of the world. 


 Genuine smiles. 


Trying to shut out my own mind for awhile, while letting it run freely on its own. Everywhere I went there were reminders of a brief bittersweet memory, and just reminders of my current situation. In other words, there's nowhere to run wan la. Just face it head on.


 I know what people would say like I'm too skinny or whatever, but I really liked how my legs look in this whole trip. HAHA. Sorry, a little vanity slipped through my fingers. Visiting the nature, seeing it all again in daylight, good times. In the end of everyday was just tired feet. 

Also, one of the reasons for planning this trip at such a timing was to attend Becky's wedding. Ahh, how we've grown up, grown old. I remember the time when I meet her in her teens, and here I am now, officially an adult and attending her wedding. Nostalgic. 


 Heh, I was a little too tall, awkwardly bending. Ahh, so much beauty in seeing people choose their life partners and love. And that leads me to think about the future, marriage and all. Hmmm. I think this trip was a fulfilling one, all the past, present and future. Or, I'm just trying to sound positive. Forever is a long time, you know. 


The long lines and all the time spent waiting, I wish the rides were more... exciting. Lol. And also, we managed to get mummy go to on most of the rides with us. She bailed on the mini-rollercoaster which was.. pretty thrilling. Haha, I came down acknowledging that I am now older and not so "on" as last time. Finding food was always the problem I think. Where's the food at? That's one thing I will never learn about Singapore.

This trip was actually laced with a lot of hurt, but its what makes it so special to me. Now I'm back and still I have no idea what's in store for me, but like I said just now, have to face wan la. The semester has started and still things were going rough for me. I'll keep that for the next post.

“Don’t let what he wants eclipse what you need. He’s very dreamy, but he’s not the sun. You are.” -- Sandra Oh, Grey’s Anatomy


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