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12.03am.

Monday, September 15, 2014


"You are left with a kind of nothingness, 
as though you are holding your breath, 
but do not want to exhale because then it will be over."

"the lover's in love, and the other's run away,
the lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay."
--Lisa Loeb, Stay


Okay, I'm really trying to reduce the emo posts, but it really doesn't seem to be happening because I am really nothing but sad for now. For now. For how long, I don't know. But for now, that seems to be all that I am.

Answers are scary, no answers are scary, wrong answers are scary, right answers are even scarier. A long time ago, there would be a slow wave of relief coming over me. But now I've just gone so far down the road that even that slight relief has been overtaken. There's a part of me that wishes I could be angry, still angry, like how I was so angry. But even the anger have been extinguished by time. I wish I was still angry because that is easy to handle. You can hit something, scream a little, break something and it'll just pass. This currently unidentified feeling, is just unbearably hard to pull through.

I need to stop being pathetic. I received a slap from reality that day that came in the form of a question. 

"Where is your pride?" 

HAHA. I swear this is the most ironic question to ask me right now. I wanted to laugh out loud (and cry) so bad at the point of time. Pride. Yes. Where did it go? I technically kicked it out of my life (for awhile) because it sounded like the right thing to do, but it's still a mystery to me. Where's pride supposed to be in our life? I'm in the very slow process of finding pride again, the quality that used to be the backbone of my personality. While it diminished, I have no idea what I became.

Okay. Maybe I can allow another 4-5 emo posts before I stop wallowing? 

I really don't need this kind of judgement right now. 

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