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Friday, January 23, 2015


“We cross our bridges as we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and the presumption that once our eyes watered.”
—Tom Stoppard, Rosencratz and Guildenstern Are Dead

The job's putting a lot of strange thoughts in my head, showing me people and behavior that I've never had the chance to encounter. Looking at the staff, looking at the customers, looking at the managers, there's a lot to learn out there. Looking at each different race, looking at foreigners, different cultures, its all quite amusing. 

I see these Arabic customers and how the husbands always watch out for their wives. Whatever that is happening to the wives, they are watching. The wives raise their hands, the husbands hold the hand for me to tie the ticket on. They make sure that everything done for the wife is done well. You speak to them, they answer along with the wives. They always stretch out their hands for their wives/girlfriends, always let them walk first. They always wait for their wives to come before they walk or go anywhere else. Its rare to see a couple go anywhere without holding hands. The wives are also seemingly mutually always holding onto the husband all the time.

But there's a catch to this, they are also extremely possessive. Some wives don't allow girls to wear the tickets on their husbands, some (read: most) husbands don't allow other guys to wear it for their wives. I've actually seen the wives glare (but not in a threatening way, more like a 'you're touching my man' way) at the girls who are wearing the wristband. Some wives are very cute. But you know what's cuter? Their babies! Omg the babies, they have the prettiest faces ever, so so cute its impossible not to smile at them.
(DISCLAIMER: This is all personal opinion and observation and only spoken in general. There are others who are not what I mentioned above, and that's okay too.)

I've been feeling rather alone, rather lonely. Eat alone, walk alone, wander alone, do everything alone. If I were really to think about it, its not the job I'm complaining about. The job has its pros and cons. In fact, I think its a good job to have if you were alone (oh, the irony). There's people everywhere, there's some good looking people here and there. There's random uncles who flirt at you, there's random boys who check you out, there's random compliments thrown here and there. The security guards seem to like me alot, the foreign workers are really friendly to new faces, the ghost house boys flirt with the girls here and there. There's a lot going on, sparsely, but still.. things like that actually can make your day. Everybody is actually really friendly.

"You're so beautiful today"

"Eh tepi, perempuan cantik nak jalan lah"

Even just, "thank you so much" is a nice thing to hear and it really makes my day. It is a very humbling job.

There's of course though, the people who are just kinda gloomy. Reminds me of me, but I don't think I won't react at all if someone speaks to me though, or if I saw someone smile at me, even from obligation. Then, there's the impatient customers, the angry customers, the bored customers, shy customers. And then, there's those really happy, bubbly ones. Good and bad days when it comes to customers. I think this is what makes it exciting though. Just today, there was these two Malay (?) guys who asked me for information yesterday and I spoke to them in my very broken Malay and today they saw me and they were so joyous "eh remember I tak?", you can see their faces light up when they suddenly realized it was me. It was like a 4 second exchange but yet it makes my day just a tad less miserable.

I think this is a very tricky topic. To think that these people who are placed there to service you, sometimes we think its very easy to overlook them. Like nobody would even remember that you were the one who gave them directions an hour ago. But occasionally, they actually do see you and they hear you and they remember you. That's the reason people do this job, I guess. You can put a smile on someone's face and people can put a smile on your face too. This will indeed be a great experience/memory to me. 

This kind of feeling is the all-famous "lonely when you're surrounded by people" feeling. Hmm. 


"Ahh good, you're already smiling, I don't need to remind you to smile."

I'm writing this post a little too early since I actually haven't finished working there yet. But its okay, I've gotten the feel of it and I don't think I will change my mind.


Indifference is a crime.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

 “If you don’t have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?”

With the new year and all, since it is January, I've fallen into a lot of thought. Thankfully I'm tired enough every other day so far to not fall prey to insomnia, but I know these thoughts lead me somewhere. I have a hypothesis that in January, people are either motivated like a chipmunk (i'm pretty sure that is an inaccurate comparison) or just.. indifferent about their entire year or, more precisely, the previous year of their existence. Well, January really got me thinking weird stuff.

I think a lot of all the things that went on in the previous years, and the previous post didn't really reflect all my thoughts, but its not like this post will (fully) either. 

That quote up there, was particularly intriguing to me. There's all these posts about how precious time is and how it is the best thing to offer someone because its something you can never have back and all. And then I just read this article about how guys (this was a 'how to be a better boyfriend' article, excuse the gender usage because I think it would apply to both gender) should be grateful and spend time with their girlfriends and not give lame excuses like "i'm tired" because she is willingly taking out her rest time to spend it with him, too. And that is something to appreciate. I think I may have scoffed at that. 

As a girlfriend, I have to undeniably understand that statement because, yes, from a human perspective, assuming both of us have our own commitments, I think couples spending time together is a mutual gift. Its so selfish for one party to say "I'm giving you my time and you tell me you don't want to spend it with me?" like as if the other person wouldn't be using their time on their partners too. Actually, I don't even know why couples should argue about these things. Shouldn't two people who love, care and miss each other just sincerely want to be with each other? Why should it be a show of who's sacrificing time, who's doing more, who's doing anything? I think this itself would be a big red flag to any relationship already. 

Also, I think it is important for people to remember, that they can lose somebody any day. Never be so secured in your relationships that you take people for granted thinking they will never leave you, even in the truth that they may never, always treat them as something to hold on to. 

Communication! How is it that we are social beings and yet now we find it so hard to communicate with each other? Sure, we can all play the blame game and pin it on technology. But our minds have changed completely. Since when talking about feelings, or god forbid, having feelings, makes someone weak? Since when do people get bored of having feelings?


I will not have someone throw me around like a toy, I will not have someone who doesn’t enjoy me, I don’t want someone who doesn’t like to talk to me, I don’t want someone who doesn’t think of me, doesn’t think for me. But first, I have to become someone like that.

I just want someone to see me as beautiful. Like.. along with all my ugly, still see me beautiful.

There's just a lot of random thoughts in my head and I can't get them in order. Working in a new environment now, lets me see a lot of people. I would like to hope that this weird, temporary, small job would restore some of my faith in humanity. I see these people and they're just so happy to go in and play, the smile on the children's faces and it makes me feel so warm and fuzzy that I am able to be a part of it. It really makes a different when you smile at them and they smile back at you. Probably this is the joy of the service industry. FYI, since it was never mentioned, I started working at Sunway Lagoon three days ago.


So much thoughts and no place to go. My brain storage feels full, although scientifically it cannot be.  Is it weird that I feel so unsafe? Like.. nowhere is safe and no one is safe?

I used to take pride in practicing apathy. I really, really didn't have any care for most people in the world, or anything at all. I know now how selfish and dumb it was. Indifference is not something to be proud of. 

Forgive me, this post is all over the place. Here's a misplaced picture to end the post.


I made that heart tree. Like it doesn't have leaves but it has a heart. I don't even know what it means. Like.. The heart grows on a tree, so you can grow love? Or the heart is as sturdy as a tree but can still be torn down by humans? Or the heart is placed up in a tree because it needs to feel safe and needs actual effort, such as climbing up the tree, to be obtained?


Hold tight, it's gonna get hard to breathe
And never, never let you drown
Even if we're going down
Hey oh, never let go of me
When I'm sinking.
--Rough Water, Travie McCoy

It's 2015.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

And I think, nothing's changed.

Its sort of the 3rd day to a new year now. There's all these quotes about a new chapter and all, some people close the book completely to start a new one. I think its just all One Life seamlessly strung together by time. The years that passes by don't make a difference... most times. This year I have reached my 2nd double digit birthday. Yeah, sure I'm getting older. I wish my mind grows with it too. But the body shouldn't grow, haha, just remain the same. Unless I'll be growing vertically.

It's a (few days passed) new year. Its the time of the year to evaluate the entire year that has gone by, so slowly and quickly and heart wrenchingly and mind blowingly. 2014 was a hell of a year for me, but if I were to really think back, doesn't everyone say that every single year? The thing about the past and present is, when it passes again, we get to compare the past with the recent past. Perhaps the other years were more mellow than the last. 2014 was a whirlwind, tornado, tsunami, year filled with madness. And I do literally mean madness. What an interesting 21 year old I was indeed.

 I just read through my 2013 annual evaluation blog post. My memory was so good then, maybe that's one thing that changed. My mind's decided to focus so much on something, and it just ceases to remember anything else. Not good, not good.

Lets give it a shot.

January. 
Apparently I didn't blog much in January, I barely remember. I guess I was just dating a lot. Siew Min's wedding. Chinese New Year, and that random drive up to Cameron's on the way back. Also I think it was January that I frequented the clubs quite often, haha. I think I was a little like "Whoopee I'm 21, no one can stop me now" for awhile. Just a little. Also the time when I chopped off half of my hair, also the time I was probably very happy. I was happy to start the year of the way I did. 




February. 
Had the most fancy Valentine's Day I've ever had, not sure if it'll get any more fancy than that anymore. Kristal and Jo came back. And it was Chinese New Year, a very new one for me, grateful nonetheless for all the experience and the sort of acceptance from people I may or may not see again. 






March. 
I don't even remember what happened here either. The semester started and I was being lazy. I think I started emo-ing then. Otherwise, I went to see Big Bang at their fan meeting in Sunway Lagoon. I got my eyes done this year... right? Around this time? No idea. 




April. 
The waters got dirty and the currents got stronger. It was just a continuation of constant sadness at the back of my head. Also... went to Malacca on a random trip with mummy. Was I on the mid sem break? 


May. 
I turned 21! Very, very cool surprise birthday party. I actually think its my first one ever. This is one birthday definitely worth remembering, I felt loved. Other than that... I think nothing happened. Just went to classes, being students, normal and all... and I guess I became sadder. It was also here that we got Burnie I think. 


June. 
I think I would call this month as The Month of Heartbreak. Haha. I don't really remember what happened anymore, I was just sad. Very sad, a little too sad. Or in Omar's word "You being too sad, Jill" in his Arabian accent. Everything I held on to was falling apart, I was losing myself, becoming something I very much hated and didn't want to be. Also, it was mummy's birthday. The least of it, I looked pretty that day, and I enjoyed that day very much, this one I remember clearly. Getting high on Somersby with my mum and all, playing games with strangers, seeing her so happy. 


July. 
Very Terrible Month in the subject of my mental health, lol. There was a lot of stupidity, a lot of crying, a lot of trying, a lot of nothing. I wanted to get away to get away from life so badly there was nowhere I could go to. Thankfully it was some sort of holiday and I chose to at least get out of the country to the nearest other country, Singapore. I was very sad, you know. But it seems my smile was still genuine because I.. was just running away. Thinking I was going to come back to something better, still having hope. And we took an impromptu trip to  Malacca with Daddy. Also, July was the month my grandmother passed away. Sigh.




August. 
The Emo Series (#theemoseries) was birthed that month. I spent a lot of time with Zhan Wei, being very grateful for such a friend. It was like a break month from assignments and everyday after class we just wanted to go and 'play'. Haha. If nobody was up for it, I was always the one who was in it anyway. We would go and have the weirdo food adventures and half the time just end up in Pyramid itself. All we did was walk, shop, talk. I also ate a lot of comfort food. Despite my constant emo-ness, he still willingly spent time with me. I took some crazy 3am drives and just... was on my own, although I wasn't very much myself. I did some really stupid things then that my young and prideful self would have totally disapproved. I'm not proud of those weak moments, yet I know what it meant for me. It is not an experience I will ever want to go through again. I was pathetic and stupid, knowing all too well, but not accepting. 


September. 
This was a month of just.. rebuilding myself. Drowned myself in the heavy workload, spent every other day freezing my butt off in the library, came home, ate dinner on my own, maybe cry, and sleep. I never went out, I never met many people, all I did was work work and work. In hindsight, of course I would say now that it was all worth it because my results have been released. I was getting somewhere, I was alone quite often and I was beginning to hate myself less. I was moving slower than a snail in my process of rebuilding, but I was going somewhere. It was just time for me, and my finals. I hung out with my sister, resumed my clubbing experiences, met new people. Also, it was Joan's birthday. 


October. 
It was like September and October kinda merged into one because I was just all either drowning in my assignments and celebrated when they were handed up one by one. I might have also almost died from sleep deprivation. I was halfway better in October, I began to make plans for myself, still lying on bed, insomniac, thinking back on all the things that went wrong in all the past months and making sure I would never go back that ditch again. I went to Sunway Lagoon, made plans for the time I would have when finals was over, reconnected with people, solved a lifelong regret. 


November. 
Finals happened, oh my god. That was a crazy ride. The Return also happened in November. So much confusion, so much feelings, so much fear, so much crazy. Went to Ipoh on the long mentioned and planned a year ago road trip with the guys from uni, it was an odd trip of missing turns and laughs. I'm not close to anyone of them except Zhan Wei and it still gets a little awkward but I'm always thankful that they accept my presence, all quiet and emo together.And then onto Sarawak, my travel plans for after finals. That was a trip full of more confusion, more thinking, slight frustration, too much sleeping. 



December. 
That was just a couple of days ago. Hmm. It was a month of financial crisis, haha. First anniversary up at Genting, very entertaining cable car ride up and first time in Snow World and failing so miserably at entering the ghost house. Christmas time and New Year's trip to Johor. I went to Legoland! And came back with a big, orange furball (!), and sat on miniature roller coasters. December was a struggle, still proving that I have so much more to learn, and so much more to change, and how I can be so much better... but I am not. Its the end of the year, I'm mildly disappointed at myself for not being the best version of myself, failing so many times, hurting myself and other people. 






**************

Since 2014 was supposed to be The Year of No Repeats, I would dare to say that I have succeeded. I didn't do what I did in the years before, I aimed to be better, which I was, it just wasn't good, and I guess it wasn't good enough. All in all, and in all honesty, I would say that 2014 wasn't that great of a year for me. I'm not blind to the good things that happened, I still know how to appreciate and I learnt many life lessons this year. 

I guess what changed throughout the year is that.. I lost weight. It seems to stand out quite a bit in the pictures too, my face was so fat. I'm already gaining some of it back, but its okay. I learnt not to be stupid (haha! -.-), a little more self righteous, a little less selfish, a lot more stronger. I learnt to protect myself, and love deeper. One very significant lesson I learnt this year... is to ask. Like, you know, ask for things. I still feel like I'm more shallow than I used to be, that my thinking capacity has shrunk and also my kindness has dissipated. That makes me sad, so sad. 

With that said, let's just bury 2014 where it belongs, which is in the past. And look forward to a new year, new things, new experiences, new everything. 
Have a great year ahead. 



But everything's changed.

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