It's 2015.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

And I think, nothing's changed.

Its sort of the 3rd day to a new year now. There's all these quotes about a new chapter and all, some people close the book completely to start a new one. I think its just all One Life seamlessly strung together by time. The years that passes by don't make a difference... most times. This year I have reached my 2nd double digit birthday. Yeah, sure I'm getting older. I wish my mind grows with it too. But the body shouldn't grow, haha, just remain the same. Unless I'll be growing vertically.

It's a (few days passed) new year. Its the time of the year to evaluate the entire year that has gone by, so slowly and quickly and heart wrenchingly and mind blowingly. 2014 was a hell of a year for me, but if I were to really think back, doesn't everyone say that every single year? The thing about the past and present is, when it passes again, we get to compare the past with the recent past. Perhaps the other years were more mellow than the last. 2014 was a whirlwind, tornado, tsunami, year filled with madness. And I do literally mean madness. What an interesting 21 year old I was indeed.

 I just read through my 2013 annual evaluation blog post. My memory was so good then, maybe that's one thing that changed. My mind's decided to focus so much on something, and it just ceases to remember anything else. Not good, not good.

Lets give it a shot.

Apparently I didn't blog much in January, I barely remember. I guess I was just dating a lot. Siew Min's wedding. Chinese New Year, and that random drive up to Cameron's on the way back. Also I think it was January that I frequented the clubs quite often, haha. I think I was a little like "Whoopee I'm 21, no one can stop me now" for awhile. Just a little. Also the time when I chopped off half of my hair, also the time I was probably very happy. I was happy to start the year of the way I did. 

Had the most fancy Valentine's Day I've ever had, not sure if it'll get any more fancy than that anymore. Kristal and Jo came back. And it was Chinese New Year, a very new one for me, grateful nonetheless for all the experience and the sort of acceptance from people I may or may not see again. 

I don't even remember what happened here either. The semester started and I was being lazy. I think I started emo-ing then. Otherwise, I went to see Big Bang at their fan meeting in Sunway Lagoon. I got my eyes done this year... right? Around this time? No idea. 

The waters got dirty and the currents got stronger. It was just a continuation of constant sadness at the back of my head. Also... went to Malacca on a random trip with mummy. Was I on the mid sem break? 

I turned 21! Very, very cool surprise birthday party. I actually think its my first one ever. This is one birthday definitely worth remembering, I felt loved. Other than that... I think nothing happened. Just went to classes, being students, normal and all... and I guess I became sadder. It was also here that we got Burnie I think. 

I think I would call this month as The Month of Heartbreak. Haha. I don't really remember what happened anymore, I was just sad. Very sad, a little too sad. Or in Omar's word "You being too sad, Jill" in his Arabian accent. Everything I held on to was falling apart, I was losing myself, becoming something I very much hated and didn't want to be. Also, it was mummy's birthday. The least of it, I looked pretty that day, and I enjoyed that day very much, this one I remember clearly. Getting high on Somersby with my mum and all, playing games with strangers, seeing her so happy. 

Very Terrible Month in the subject of my mental health, lol. There was a lot of stupidity, a lot of crying, a lot of trying, a lot of nothing. I wanted to get away to get away from life so badly there was nowhere I could go to. Thankfully it was some sort of holiday and I chose to at least get out of the country to the nearest other country, Singapore. I was very sad, you know. But it seems my smile was still genuine because I.. was just running away. Thinking I was going to come back to something better, still having hope. And we took an impromptu trip to  Malacca with Daddy. Also, July was the month my grandmother passed away. Sigh.

The Emo Series (#theemoseries) was birthed that month. I spent a lot of time with Zhan Wei, being very grateful for such a friend. It was like a break month from assignments and everyday after class we just wanted to go and 'play'. Haha. If nobody was up for it, I was always the one who was in it anyway. We would go and have the weirdo food adventures and half the time just end up in Pyramid itself. All we did was walk, shop, talk. I also ate a lot of comfort food. Despite my constant emo-ness, he still willingly spent time with me. I took some crazy 3am drives and just... was on my own, although I wasn't very much myself. I did some really stupid things then that my young and prideful self would have totally disapproved. I'm not proud of those weak moments, yet I know what it meant for me. It is not an experience I will ever want to go through again. I was pathetic and stupid, knowing all too well, but not accepting. 

This was a month of just.. rebuilding myself. Drowned myself in the heavy workload, spent every other day freezing my butt off in the library, came home, ate dinner on my own, maybe cry, and sleep. I never went out, I never met many people, all I did was work work and work. In hindsight, of course I would say now that it was all worth it because my results have been released. I was getting somewhere, I was alone quite often and I was beginning to hate myself less. I was moving slower than a snail in my process of rebuilding, but I was going somewhere. It was just time for me, and my finals. I hung out with my sister, resumed my clubbing experiences, met new people. Also, it was Joan's birthday. 

It was like September and October kinda merged into one because I was just all either drowning in my assignments and celebrated when they were handed up one by one. I might have also almost died from sleep deprivation. I was halfway better in October, I began to make plans for myself, still lying on bed, insomniac, thinking back on all the things that went wrong in all the past months and making sure I would never go back that ditch again. I went to Sunway Lagoon, made plans for the time I would have when finals was over, reconnected with people, solved a lifelong regret. 

Finals happened, oh my god. That was a crazy ride. The Return also happened in November. So much confusion, so much feelings, so much fear, so much crazy. Went to Ipoh on the long mentioned and planned a year ago road trip with the guys from uni, it was an odd trip of missing turns and laughs. I'm not close to anyone of them except Zhan Wei and it still gets a little awkward but I'm always thankful that they accept my presence, all quiet and emo together.And then onto Sarawak, my travel plans for after finals. That was a trip full of more confusion, more thinking, slight frustration, too much sleeping. 

That was just a couple of days ago. Hmm. It was a month of financial crisis, haha. First anniversary up at Genting, very entertaining cable car ride up and first time in Snow World and failing so miserably at entering the ghost house. Christmas time and New Year's trip to Johor. I went to Legoland! And came back with a big, orange furball (!), and sat on miniature roller coasters. December was a struggle, still proving that I have so much more to learn, and so much more to change, and how I can be so much better... but I am not. Its the end of the year, I'm mildly disappointed at myself for not being the best version of myself, failing so many times, hurting myself and other people. 


Since 2014 was supposed to be The Year of No Repeats, I would dare to say that I have succeeded. I didn't do what I did in the years before, I aimed to be better, which I was, it just wasn't good, and I guess it wasn't good enough. All in all, and in all honesty, I would say that 2014 wasn't that great of a year for me. I'm not blind to the good things that happened, I still know how to appreciate and I learnt many life lessons this year. 

I guess what changed throughout the year is that.. I lost weight. It seems to stand out quite a bit in the pictures too, my face was so fat. I'm already gaining some of it back, but its okay. I learnt not to be stupid (haha! -.-), a little more self righteous, a little less selfish, a lot more stronger. I learnt to protect myself, and love deeper. One very significant lesson I learnt this year... is to ask. Like, you know, ask for things. I still feel like I'm more shallow than I used to be, that my thinking capacity has shrunk and also my kindness has dissipated. That makes me sad, so sad. 

With that said, let's just bury 2014 where it belongs, which is in the past. And look forward to a new year, new things, new experiences, new everything. 
Have a great year ahead. 

But everything's changed.

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