Ghosts of the past.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

I have some serious trust issues. 

I've had many things that's been clouding my mind, but I've lost the ability to pen down my thoughts. Okay, to start with that statement, I mean, I knew this about myself a long time ago. I don't know the exact moment it happened, or which major life event created these serious trust issues in me, but they have always been there.

I think back to clearly when it happened, I quietened down so much, I don't speak of myself unless I absolutely have to, or if only I'm sharing a very shallow part of myself. Like.. I'd call it privacy sometimes, but the thin line between privacy and having trust issues is thin indeed. I don't know if I just don't want people to know things about me..... why? I'm afraid people might know too much about me, use those things against me, blackmail me (haha, I don't do that many things worth blackmailing for) or just like.. I'm just a very private person?  

These days I choose to open up to people whom I deem to trust, and slowly find down the road that maybe it is indeed a smarter option to not say anything at all, even to the people that I hold dearest to me. So now, what does that mean? I'm choosing the wrong people to tell? If I didn't believe in my own judgement of people's character, then I believed in the bond that I had with these people, the friendship/relationship the we shared over years of building and shaping. But am I wrong now, or are we just all grown up and the world just got uglier?

My best friend and I have some trust issues, and the funny thing is, we both remember the exact moment it happened. There was one time he told me that class was cancelled and I went to check online and it wasn't posted online and I told him "you're lying, I don't believe you" and he's so offended by it that today he doesn't even tell me the truth anymore -.- and the more he doesn't, the more I don't trust him, and this is a relentless cycle of trust issues. But today as we reminisced about it, he said "you're the one with the trust issues, something so simple also think I lie to you, now I don't care ady". And from there birthed this post, and my very real realization of my trust issues.

Is this something I should fix? Is it fixable? There's very little faith left.

I find that I really cannot tolerate laziness. 

Sloth. Sloth is a sin right? Okay, that's taking it a bit too far. But even being lazy... I really just can't, it makes me want to pull at my hair and throw things against the wall and bang my fist on the table. Like.. is it so hard to put some effort, show some sincerity, speak kindly and mindfully and just put some effort into it.

This is coming from like.. doing group assignments, taking care of yourself, being hygienic, or like.. in relationships? I might be speaking from a biased side here, but I think that students nowadays are just plain lazy, everything is done is the easiest fastest manner, getting senior's work and just copying off it. Now, I am no saint, I do last minute work, but the last last last super last minute kind, I just really cannot tolerate that.

In relationships, I'm so sorry to say (like I mentioned earlier, this is my biased opinion) but some guys are just really lazy. And I want to say that even lazy girls don't always like lazy guys and since lazy guys may not like lazy girls too, so why be lazy?? Now I'm speaking in the context of maintaining the relationship. You cannot just stop putting in effort, the whole "I already got her" or "She's already mine" mindset needs to be set on fire and burnt to the highest degree. If for a second you think you can be complacent and indifferent, yet think that she will never stop loving you or that she would never leave you, you're wrong. And if you ever start to entertain the thought of "Nah, she'll never leave me" then you might just be the most unappreciative asshole out there and I really gotta tell you, you don't deserve the title of a man.

I know I'm saying some really strong words here, but this is a personal blog and these are my personal opinions, so don't get offended if you don't agree. I am really trying to believe that there's some humanity left there but its proving to be quite hard. I find myself disappointed too often. Is this the effects of the 'self-entitled' generation that we are called? :/ Maybe I ask too much, maybe I want too much, maybe I don't deserve much, but I think we should love ourselves a little better than this. Maybe I don't meet that type of people because I'm not that type of person... yet.

In other news, the current political situation leaves me very dumbfounded and I really just cannot comprehend the stupidity of the situation. I do believe that a very important moment in history is happening right in this season and if we make it through, I really hope we come out stronger and smarter. Please, even just smarter.

This is a very weird post, and I should be doing my presentation but I'm just here ranting and writing. As usual.

Nowadays I just want to face-plant at all the noises inside my head like that owl, he was a very cute owl, but I was in a very strange mood doing some strange things. Life has indeed changed unexpectedly, that's all I can say right now. I really want to believe I'm doing the right things most days, I'm really trying to be smarter this time. The familiarity of it all remains, but it comes along with all the bad things too. And the familiarity of those bad things really make me doubt myself.

This isn't rewind, it isn't repeat, it didn't stop and it wasn't a pause. Can this just be a new track?

Collage picture update: 

So, I've been out partying, I've been going to classes, waking up too early and sleeping too late, sent a precious brother off to another country temporarily, going to concerts (Big Bang MADE Tour, MTV World Stage), went swimming, welcomed my baby nephew into the family, ate some good food (restaurants and home made), getting haunted by the ghosts of the past and since its the month of September, some pre-birthday celebrations for my sister and preparing for some horrible end year university stress.

|| Reminder: Remember that horrible feeling or
anger towards yourself and the guilt from the
pathetic mistakes and all the heartless lies you told,
remember that feeling always.
Its what will keep you from repeating history. ||

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