What's next?

Sunday, January 31, 2016

It's a bittersweet feeling.
Wishing to belong, longing to stay, hoping to be home where it's familiar and warm. 

It's like, this part of my adventure is done now, it's time to go back, onto another adventure? I have no idea what's ahead, but just like I didn't know how it would be for me suddenly going to Seoul for a month, I have no idea what's back home for me either. 

This feeling has been haunting me since the first day of the year now. Just knowing that this year, many things are going to happen. Is this God speaking to me? To take the chances, to do things and not run and hide? To embrace the change and accept what comes? To learn to let go? I can't seem to wrap my head around it but it's just going round and round in my mind everyday. 

Goodbyes are never easy, no matter how many times you do it. 

"You’re wrong – it shatters all the same." 

It's been good, thank you Seoul. 
Goodbye, for now. 

It's only the first month of the year, 
I feel like I've already given up on love. 

"Not everything you lose is a loss."

Monday, January 25, 2016

I think the lesson learnt here is to really, be open, get to know people, connect, communicate, learn, love and don't get attached. Always, always remember that goodbye is around the corner. It's lurking all around us, and it's inevitable

To live life and appreciate everything, everyone, every moment and be okay with the fact that that moment will not come back. 

Basically, don't hold onto things

"You go into this house, and then everything turns white, what do you feel?"
"Wow, you are ready to die." 

23.1.2016 • 24.1.2016

That's a valuable lesson right there. I used to be so afraid, I wouldn't say I'm not anymore, but I think I'm dealing with it better now. Maybe it's not so accurate for me to say that I've lost a lot of things/people before, but I have. And it used to hit me so hard, I held onto everything so tightly. Given though, I loved those things/people so, so much. I am so afraid of letting go, thinking I'll never have that anymore is like the worst thing to ever happen to me. 

Maybe I'm a hoarder. Maybe I'm a keeper, I like to keep things. But when it becomes irrelevant, you gotta throw it away. Clear up the space, new things will come along. New things to keep instead. 

I got a ring, made out of a soju cover, fitted perfectly. 

I've learnt that I can love them now, but if I can't love them anymore, that's okay. Because I loved them at that moment in time. Love is like, flowing. It's not like a pool of water, unmoving and permanent. 

Even though I'm slowly learning that lesson, writing these words already make my heart ache. It still hurts to let go, still hurts to lose something; but you still have to accept it. 

"Now imagine the sky, what does it look like?"
"My sky is bright, it's blue with some clouds here and there."
"That's how your life is right now." 

I haven't laughed so much in so long, I haven't felt this kind of freedom and joy. It's basically like nothing could stop me from having a good time, laughing out loud, saying what's on my mind, not having to fit my words into how society needs me to be. I wasn't afraid to look into anyone's eyes, I wasn't afraid of the consequences, I wasn't afraid anyone was going to judge me, I didn't care what anyone thought of me. I felt so.. free

I was happy. 

And I really want to feel like that more, it's been the longest time since I've felt genuinely happy. 

Thanks for the memories, you guys were amazing. 


Tuesday, January 19, 2016

I will always remember smelling like a mixture of your cologne and smoke, every time we part. And always with new insights of life, because its always great living life with you in it.

Always remember those late night talks and most amusing storytelling sessions, best parties, good dancing, Wednesday dates.

The first ever picture we took together : 2012

Those selfies. Sharing secrets. Its amazing how well you know me, in this brief few years, you always know what I'm going to do and how I'm going to react and how do I think. Sometimes you know me so well it surprises me. Thank you for all those advices and for always listening to me and my lame problems. Thank you for sharing with me parts of your life. 

You know, and I know, that we will always be each other's best friend :* no matter what happens, I'll always have your back. I will always cherish these years we had and all the memories we made. We've seen each other grow and change and you've always accepted me for who I am. And I am very proud of who you are now. 

"Don't forget your best Chinese friend in Malaysia."
"Take care of yourself, don't be stupid and don't get hurt."

The (possibly) last picture we take together : 2016

I love you, and I miss you very much.
Thank you for everything one more time, Omar the Everything.  

Wounded 2.0

Monday, January 18, 2016

These kind of physical constant pain always puts me in deep thoughts about all previous pains. Reading back, I was mulling about the pain in my teeth and how I was so close to giving up (which I was serious about) and still seeing how I've survived it, partially at least, and now here I am with a new pain. 

But first, hi from Seoul! My first post since leaving the country. I say it like its a big deal but it's basically a long holiday in a different and much colder city. I love being here, it has it's pros and cons. 

Back to the initial topic, new pain. Sigh. What happened is that I was heading up the really small straircase here in the hostel that I'm staying in and I kinda tripped and busted my big toe and.. The whole nail came off. I say it like its nothing now, but I was literally shaking in fear and maybe pain. Except the pain came much later because the cold took over most of the pain sensors. 

To include into my Korea experience is that my manager piggy backed me across the street, while it was snowing, to the small hospital. It would have been so romantic and such a movie worthy moment had it been someone else, heh. Nevertheless, I am very grateful for his back and for carrying me there. 

Now I'm here halfway through my workcation and I can barely walk anymore. Ugh, I didn't really want an experience like this, being here. 😔 

Coming back from the hospital, the pain was really really unbearable and there's this 7 Korean guys in the same dorm as me and they are packing their bags while I sit there trying to sob as quietly as I could. I always find it liberating to cry. 

But one cry session would bring my mind to every possible thing out there (or in my head) that would make me cry. And then, I literally won't stop. 

It's 2016, and everything has really been rather good until this happened. It's really put a dampener to my whole perspective of the new year now. I know, this too shall pass. My nail will grow back and it would all be fine and dandy again, except something else would probably happen. 

Seoul has been pretty good so far, we've made some temporary friends, multilingual conversations, we can learn so much from each other. 

There is still kindness left in the world. Thank you, guys, for the brief friendship. 

The injury gave me too much free time, cause I can't work anymore :/ and I do feel guilty for the giant work pile on my sister and the other girl. Trust me, I'd rather be working my ass off with them than to be in this pain. And with all the free time, is a lot of time to tweet and read and think and watch. 

I've slowly reverted back to thinking about last year and how this year will be different, but bad in some ways, good in some. I think it's going to have to happen, as much as I don't want it to. In Omar's words, "this is just life". I'm so afraid to graduate, to have to put myself out there again and grow up and the possibility of having to let some friendships grow cold. This year, there's going to be a lot of change. I think the transitions will take a toll on me, I don't do well with loss. Let's see how everything pans out :/ fingers crossed. 

Yep, all this free time is really bad. All this pain in my foot, is really bad too. 

My snowflakes :) 

I want to be bold this year, just do what I want to do in that moment, learn to say things that I want to say, say things I want to be heard. 

Will it be a mistake to open up again? 

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