Friday, March 11, 2016

“What scares me is that I’m going to spend the rest of my life chasing the high he gave me”.

These days have been rather hard, rather quiet, rather empty, rather.. sad. Everyday I spend convincing myself that its all going to be fine, but I am spiraling downwards again. Afraid to reach out, afraid to show any genuine feelings, afraid to admit the truth, afraid to speak, afraid to ask, afraid to know, afraid of all the things I cannot control. I think I put myself on that list, funnily so.

I always blog when I am procrastinating on this very important assignment I have to do. And the time is now. Ugh, I take so much effort to make sure that work gets done but here I am, the last person, struggling to just get it at least halfway done. My brain is a blank space now. Like, I know I have to Google these information, but I literally cannot come up with the words to Google, and I also can't remember how I used to do it. Ugh, what kind of phase is this?

I am dying on my own, no one to show, no one to tell. The struggle is real. This proves one thing though, my predictions of the year was true. Its only March now, but I can say, this year has been a shitty year (so far) and the lessons I am learning everyday is only telling me that the world is an ugly place and I really don't want to be a part of it.

Ugh, its happening again. Yup, there it is again. Am I ever going to get out of it?

Everyday I remind myself that no one likes a sad person, but there really isn't anything to be happy about. Before you call me ungrateful, I would like to point out that I know how to appreciate the things and people around me, even if I can't find a way to express it. But it doesn't mean I am happy. This 23rd year of my life is very hard to live through. You'd imagine how people are afraid that time passes so quickly and they don't have 'enough' time to accomplish their dreams and spend it doing things that make them happy with people they love. I'm just here literally wanting the time to pass because.. the end will come faster. Then I would be relieved of my duty in this world, whatever that may be.

I'm tired. Overwhelming exhausted and extremely sad.

Its even more disappointing seeing I had such high hopes for the new year, but nope. I didn't change, things are changing, but not in my favor, and everything pretty much still sucks. To say that I set the barrier too high on the first few days of the year, maybe. I really don't want much, I just want to stop being sad. How long will it take for me to admit that this is not a phase? 

These few days, I've lost my voice, almost completely. You probably only hear 10% of my voice if i do speak. Its been a very humbling experience, not being able to speak. Its like God's teaching me another lesson,  to... speak less. But I already speak so little? I think its more like I speak a lot, but tell so little.

Look, I'm smiling.

"Eighty percent of life's satisfaction comes from meaningful relationships." - Brian Tracy

지금은 아무도 없다. 

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