Not a silly little moment, not the storm before the calm.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

I used to be comfortable being myself. These days, I'm always just questioning myself. At least, now I know how it happened.

Again, I have some serious kind of trust issues. I doubt every word that's being said, I am skeptical about everyone's sincerity and insincerity. I take every word as it is, which is not much, just words. Plain and empty. All the words said just for the sake of saying it, all the empty promises, all the fake compliments. 

"If I want to hurt you, I must be the one that hurt you the most. Because I care about you the most." 

"I can give you all the joy in the world."

"Don't say nobody cares about you, I care." 

"You sad, you call, you eat, I lai." 

"From that moment on, I never lie to you ady." 

"I'm willing to bring you anywhere."

"I'll always have your back." 

You see, before this, words meant something to me. They made me smile, they made me cry. I took them seriously and maybe I even did what those girls would do, analyze every word and every punctuation. Was it a question mark or full stop? Does ok, okay, k mean different things? Yeah, that was a long time ago.

Now, I basically scoff at words. I think a lot of things that I read are bullshit. Now before I offend anyone, I'm not actually saying that the words are bullshit, I said I feel that they are. I don't think I would ever be able to know for sure whether those words are true or not, and this is no way defines my relationship with these people.

It's just my problem. Somewhere along the way, I lost the ability to believe. The thing is, I always blamed my trust issues on myself. That I was the one who's constantly so highly insecure that I can't even just learn to accept basic human concern. That I was the one who was wrong for not trusting them. That its wrong for me not to trust. That I should, but it was wrong that I didn't. The point is, I am wrong.

It happens when everyday someone tells you that you're being unreasonable for feeling feelings, that you're the reason these problems exist, you caused all this pain for yourself, your insecurity ruined everything you love. It was all you. You did it. To be told that you are unappreciative, ungrateful, impossible to love, unworthy. That someone, who was the closest, the person you trusted the most, the person you loved the most.

You'll find yourself believing those words. 

Long story short, this is the overrated story of a person who stopped trusting people when she got hurt by the one she trusted most. Basically, I am the horrible person, I brought this all on myself. Yeah, I think that's the gist of it. 

While I continue to battle my own demons, I question all the time. 

Is it really my fault that I don't trust you? You gave me reason not to. Sometimes I may have raised the bar too high, but disappointment is real. I believed in you, I believed you would always come true for me and you didn't. 

Is it my fault that I don't trust you? I barely know you and I know your intentions were never kind. 

Is it my fault that I don't trust you? Your words are too strong, too soon, too shady. 

Is it my fault that I don't trust you? You bailed on me over and over again.

The answer, is NO

Am I judging them? Because I'm definitely judging myself. What's it going to take to get out of this dark, dark tunnel? 

I need to learn to have some chill. Yup. And maybe more sleep. Definitely needing that these days. 4am is not normal. It's been 7 days. Hello insomnia, welcome back my friend. 

Approximately 6 years later;

Monday, April 18, 2016

I'm very nice, but you're not nice enough for me now.

How many times must I do this? The bar is so, so low. How???

The mid sem break has been, well. A break. But in these few days, many things have happened.
And I have suffered from a lot of pain.  

So, finally, like 6 years later, I finally got my braces on, 13th April 2016. It may seem that I may have had enough time to brace myself (pun intended) for this, but I can assure you, no amount of mental preparation can prepare you for the pain. The worse part is that its not even temporary pain. Its like a permanent-temporary pain. Two years is a damn long time for it to be temporary, no? Now I am on some kind of liquid diet, I can only swallow and I am so sick of porridge. On the list of things I can eat now is: tau fu fa, soup, porridge, yogurt, mashed potatoes and half boiled eggs. I also cannot close my mouth now, if I wanted to, I have to manually pull my lips close, but doing that hurts too. This marks the end of my selfies era :( All pictures will eventually not have my face in it, haha. This will all be worth it, right?

Before the braces, I touched up on the eyebrow tattoo once again, that hurt a lot too. But in other news, I have red hair now. 

My towel has been stained red (from my hair) for almost a week now, it seems like the colour will keep fading. I think perhaps my shampoo is too strong? I'll definitely get some of those for dyed hair next. Its basically a kind of bronze-brown colour now. 

What else happened? Yes, my sister has officially moved to live in Singapore. It is obviously the start of a new journey for her, but it is also partly mine. We've never been apart, permanently, before. Oddly enough, when she went to Busan for a year, I cried. Despite knowing that there's a date for her return. But this time around, its literally permanent, and I think this has a much bigger effect on me, so much so I think that vague feeling of lost, is now.. numbing. Now I have no one who'll take me to the doctor when I'm sick and unable to move, no one to drive me around, no one to share food with, no one to eat ice cream with, no one to nag, no one to be annoyed at for leaving the wet towel on the bed. I could go on and on, but let's not. 

Now I have to really be independent. On my own. Now I have become that girl who came from a small town, into a big city, on her own. Before, it was the sisters who came to KL to study. Haha. I don't like eating alone :/ 

I still wish her the best. 

Now its back to being a student. Lets make it through the last half of the last semester of my degree. Yes, lets. I'm definitely going to miss this. I really hope that I'm just as good an employee as I am a student, fingers crossed x:

"Anyone who has seen her, please contact the
Police Department of the Lost Souls."

8 hours.

Friday, April 8, 2016

But I'm not crazy, 
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now 
you can't tell 
But stay awhile and 
maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, 
I'm just a little impaired
I know right now 
you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be... 


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