Not a silly little moment, not the storm before the calm.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

I used to be comfortable being myself. These days, I'm always just questioning myself. At least, now I know how it happened.

Again, I have some serious kind of trust issues. I doubt every word that's being said, I am skeptical about everyone's sincerity and insincerity. I take every word as it is, which is not much, just words. Plain and empty. All the words said just for the sake of saying it, all the empty promises, all the fake compliments. 

"If I want to hurt you, I must be the one that hurt you the most. Because I care about you the most." 

"I can give you all the joy in the world."

"Don't say nobody cares about you, I care." 

"You sad, you call, you eat, I lai." 

"From that moment on, I never lie to you ady." 

"I'm willing to bring you anywhere."

"I'll always have your back." 

You see, before this, words meant something to me. They made me smile, they made me cry. I took them seriously and maybe I even did what those girls would do, analyze every word and every punctuation. Was it a question mark or full stop? Does ok, okay, k mean different things? Yeah, that was a long time ago.

Now, I basically scoff at words. I think a lot of things that I read are bullshit. Now before I offend anyone, I'm not actually saying that the words are bullshit, I said I feel that they are. I don't think I would ever be able to know for sure whether those words are true or not, and this is no way defines my relationship with these people.

It's just my problem. Somewhere along the way, I lost the ability to believe. The thing is, I always blamed my trust issues on myself. That I was the one who's constantly so highly insecure that I can't even just learn to accept basic human concern. That I was the one who was wrong for not trusting them. That its wrong for me not to trust. That I should, but it was wrong that I didn't. The point is, I am wrong.

It happens when everyday someone tells you that you're being unreasonable for feeling feelings, that you're the reason these problems exist, you caused all this pain for yourself, your insecurity ruined everything you love. It was all you. You did it. To be told that you are unappreciative, ungrateful, impossible to love, unworthy. That someone, who was the closest, the person you trusted the most, the person you loved the most.

You'll find yourself believing those words. 

Long story short, this is the overrated story of a person who stopped trusting people when she got hurt by the one she trusted most. Basically, I am the horrible person, I brought this all on myself. Yeah, I think that's the gist of it. 

While I continue to battle my own demons, I question all the time. 

Is it really my fault that I don't trust you? You gave me reason not to. Sometimes I may have raised the bar too high, but disappointment is real. I believed in you, I believed you would always come true for me and you didn't. 

Is it my fault that I don't trust you? I barely know you and I know your intentions were never kind. 

Is it my fault that I don't trust you? Your words are too strong, too soon, too shady. 

Is it my fault that I don't trust you? You bailed on me over and over again.

The answer, is NO

Am I judging them? Because I'm definitely judging myself. What's it going to take to get out of this dark, dark tunnel? 

I need to learn to have some chill. Yup. And maybe more sleep. Definitely needing that these days. 4am is not normal. It's been 7 days. Hello insomnia, welcome back my friend. 

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