Victims of the night

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

A few days ago, I received an official-er apology for something that I tried hard to bury. I never wanted to be reminded of those days, and honestly speaking, I have no idea how I made it through. I mean, I  remember how I slowly withdrew from the world and lost all my joy. And I remember how I slowly regained my humour, how I was still loved by others, and even more slowly learnt to accept myself again. I barely remember those days in detail anymore, its all a blur of shitty times and I just grouped them all up and shoved them in the far back of my mind. With one "sorry", they suddenly resurfaced.

Now its going to take me awhile to forget that the conversation happened. 

I'm okay now, the apology did nothing for my pain. I didn't need to know, I want nothing more. I couldn't bring myself to say 'its okay', because its not. I couldn't say 'you deserve it', but it doesn't mean I didn't think it, but I don't feel bad for you. I'm not a bad person, I just care for me more than I care for you now.

My only take from that conversation was 'thank you for the apology, you deserve everything that's coming your way, be it good or bad'.

Stone cold.  

Letting go and all the in betweens.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

I'm officially 23. 
Its 2016, I've been alive 23 years.

Happy birthday to me. This year it was more like every other day than it was my birthday. I mean, it wasn't like a big celebration, I didn't feel super special or anything. I did things that I would have normally done in a day. Except.. with more cakes involved.

Many thanks to these guys, buying me a rose-shaped ice cream cake, picking it because they know I like pink. Haha, that's more than they need to know about me. And for the purse and for the hilariously written wishes on the box itself.

Then, the my mum who came down also to celebrate with me, hid the cake in the car not so secretively and then Skyped with my sister to celebrate together.

It was a pavlova that she was hiding. I was super super full that day, after eating a large amount of berry berry strawberry ice cream.

Then I spent the next few days just dying because there's so much work to finish and losing way too much sleep, my dark eye circles are like 3 shades darker now. No amount of concealer will hide it.

And of course, celebration with dad's side. First time ever drinking with them :O It was a very interesting night, haha. I managed to finish a pint for myself, and the waiter who was singing for me made me down a whole glass. That was a little hard to handle, but I kept my cool.

Perhaps one of the last of my birthday celebrations, with my sayang. Thank you for always making the effort to come all the way to celebrate my birthdays with me, I love you, and I want to celebrate many many many more birthdays with you :* And Aaron, thank you Abang Aaron for dinner and pancakes! I love you both very much.

p.s. Sorry I choose the exceptionally dark and blur photo of us, I am not ready to show my braced-smile to anyone yet.

I am blessed.

"If you hear people from my past speak of me, 
bear in mind they are speaking of the person they do not know anymore."

love again, love again, love again

Sunday, May 1, 2016

"...that is God first, then us."

Never would I imagine hearing those words with my own ears. Never would I imagine anyone saying that to me. 

"Sometimes life gets messy and you know that you can't go anywhere, but you can float away on a boat, and you hang a yellow flag of cholera so that no port accepts you, so that you keep floating. Because that's the only way you get to live. And in that boat, you will see everyone that matters to you."

Am I on your boat?  

"You hate me."
"No, I don't hate you. I nothing you." 

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