Thursday, June 23, 2016

A lot of times I spend listening to people. Listening to people tell me about their days, listening to them answer my questions, listening to them tell me things I didn't ask, listening to things I'm curious about, listening to things that I don't really care about. Sometimes my mind wanders in the middle of their sentences, forming my own thoughts, listening to my own voice over theirs, sometimes my own conversations, sometimes speaking back to them with words I don't say out loud.

Why have a conversation with them in my head when I can have them in real life? Maybe I didn't want to interrupt them (something I was accused of, and possibly really did back then), maybe I didn't want to impose on their thoughts with my opinions, maybe I didn't want to seem too involved, too concerned, too interested (at times where I really wasn't)

I have these strange ideas now in my mind. Am I being too nice, or am I feigning interest by listening? I know what it feels like to not be heard, to not have someone to talk to, which is why I listen, I try to listen to the things people say, to catch parts of their hearts, to at least, just listen. After all, I noticed, that's really what most people need. This is sincere and genuine. 

And then. The debate ensues. Am I just trying to be sincerely nice and be a listener, or am I being fake?

There are times, I've counted a few by now, in this season of my life, that people say these words to me, so nonchalantly, like as if I don't have any feelings of my own. Like, they're just saying it because they meant it, but in the moment, they failed to realize that maybe those words could possibly, potentially, hurt my feelings. Like I shouldn't have any form of emotional opinion to that matter. Like I should just be okay with everything that they're saying, because after all, I'm only listening. I think I've had my feelings hurt so many times now, but I don't remember the last time I said anything about it. It just became unnecessary, to mention something so small and so irrelevant and so temporary.

I believe I do this too. Accidentally say something completely disregarding the other person's feelings, only to get mine across. It's so hard to be pleasing everyone all the time. And some days I'd feel like 'screw this, I can't be living my life to make everyone happy' and then some days I'll feel like 'what's wrong with putting in the little effort to try not harm anyone'. Still trying to find that in-between. 

I wish I could be more certain about what I feel. Something's keeping me up at night, I need to figure out what it is. These weird, small anxiety attacks are returning. I need to sleep at more normal hours. 

“I must learn to be content with being happier than I deserve.” ― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Lucky one

Sunday, June 19, 2016

"I don’t think you ever fall out of love. If you think you’ve fallen out of love, I don’t think you were ever in love in the first place – you were just caught up in the romance."

Freedom has chanced upon me, and right now, I'm grabbing it. I hope I will be taking a break that don't last longer than it should.  

 It was an honestly bittersweet feeling. I couldn't tell if I was more sad that my days as a student is now over, or if I was so glad that I would never have to go through yet another horrible exam season again. But with that said, I think my heart was tugging more on the friends I knew, I'd rarely see again (as if I already see them a lot). Like I mentioned before, I love being a student, I'm so good at being a student, just to have somewhere to belong, some friends to belong to. I think the sudden loss of it all made me just a tad bit sadder than I usually am. Its the feeling of knowing that today, I will lose my best friend.

As of now, I have not yet feel the urge to return to that place, the orange halls that I used to roam in and that big foyer where I used to walk past swiftly with my head down because it is so scary to have to many people stare at you (although mainly, nobody gives a shit). I would miss those days where we decide if we're too lazy to go to eat in Pyramid or its too hot to eat at Rock, or if we would skip that class or those days I spent checking out girls with all my (guy) friends. 

Next step in life: Sleep like a normal human being.  
So, the moment my freedom began, my sister literally came back for 16 hours and in all those 16 hours, neither of us slept. We took the time to celebrate Father's Day earlier, and then the party begun.

My sister who decided to embrace her China-doll look. Twas' a good night, as it always is with us. Heh. 


 It was definitely a pretty eventful night, somewhat disturbing as well (girls please be careful not to get too drunk with someone who doesn't care enough about you in the club). Lol, I'm giving advice like I'm so pro like that. 

Mummy has been here the same weekend my finals ended and I have been on daughter duties and like.. driver duties. Who thought the day would ever come that I become the driver instead? The consequences of growing up :/ 

And while mummy is forever in her shades, we celebrated her birthday! Turning 48 years young. Happy, happy birthday, mummy! I know we're growing up so fast, although it seems you really enjoy us being so old now, I still like being the youngest child of the family. Thank you for everything you have given and sacrificed for us, I love you always. 

"Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong."

Sucker for the wild ones.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

"as if i was already not these things
before i met you.
as if i did not remain all these
once you left.”

There it is, the procrastination post. Finals is in a week (I was saying two weeks last week, but now its really down to a week and I'm secretly petrified) and I think I am pretty much screwed if I don't start now. Today my stepmom was telling me how relieved she was when she finally started working because she enjoyed working and making real results instead.

For awhile now, I didn't want to go into the workforce (instead, i'll just join unemployment). But today, like right now, at this current moment, this current moment after I just encountered a snake, it looked me in the eye and I turned around and ran, and I am still alive, I am thinking, maybe I am also quite done with studying. Or am I? Maybe I'll change my mind again right after finals and I'm just as lost as all the other twenty-somethings trying to figure out where to go in life. But right now, I think its not such a bad thing to be done with studying. We all just want to be something.

I have realised that I find it so hard to let go of this phase in life because it really is, the one thing I'm good at (so far). That is being a student. Haha, I do well at sleeping past 3am and missing all my Monday morning classes and partying on a Friday night, doing my assignments a day before and still submitting on time, with a piece that is not as shitty as I imagined, having long group meetings and planning for presentations and projects and doing just pretty well as a student. But I've always doubted if I would still excel if I was no longer a student? Would I?

Fear is natural, I get that part.

Lets just pull through another few weeks, then spend those sleepless nights trying to figure out a path for the future while I spend these sleepless nights "studying". So far, the "holiday" has been good. Let's try to create a new pattern now. The stress pattern, haha. When did I get so lame.

But first, a little recap. 

On the 29th of May, I had some really good salmon, and for the first time ever, wagyu beef. It was so good, but I know it would have been ever better if I was not wearing braces.

Thank you for the birthday treat, for the good company, for the all the laughter and also the good-emo songs.

Also, I withstood the heat of the afternoon and the large crowd of people which gives me anxiety to go visit Omar at this convocation (although technically I was there after) and I am so proud of you! I'll be the next, and possibly last of all of us to graduate. But its alright, now that you're back in Malaysia.

And then, the party was on. Its so good to finally party with Omar again, and some new friends ;) thanks for a great night, guys.

Also, I got a very, very pretty snowflake necklace as a birthday present! My first snowflake, trust that it will be cherished.  

Procrastination over. Please go study, self, please

"Crashing, hit a wall
Right now I need a miracle
Hurry up now,
I need a miracle

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