Just me and my beach today.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

So I'm here today. On a beach. On my own. With my own thoughts, the waves constantly pushing me back as I sit here with my phone in a waterproof case typing, real fine sand all over my bum and all I can think of is 'dammit I left my shades in the room, I wish I had it so i wouldn't be squinting at my phone alone in the sea.'

The view is amazing. 

I'm having a better time than I imagined I would. Anyone who knows me would know that I don't like the sun, but here I am on an island far away typing this post under the blaring sun, sitting in the sea. 

Recently I came to find that I'm getting more readers here. I could find it slightly "unsafe" now to write as honestly as I would. Surprisingly enough, I don't actually care anymore. The circumstances can't affect me much anymore. Earlier this year I said that I wanted to be bold, just say what's on my mind. I don't think I've been doing very well so far, but it's not too late to start. I'm getting there. 

It feels like I've just reached a new level now, nothing's changed but that conversation really lifted some weight off me and confirms that I'm not really as crazy because I didn't make all those up in my head; the memories and all those hours of just having each other. I'm not sure if I regret it, maybe just slightly, knowing now that maybe I could have changed things, but also knowing that maybe this is the best case scenario for us. I'll still miss us, everything we were. But maybe now it's time for a new chapter. 

Back here in Perhentian though, there's something to look forward to. Enough with the past. 

I went snorkeling for the first time! Large bodies of water still terrifies me but I have to admit, the experience was so, so worth it. I saw a shark! 

"From the day I met you, I know that I'll love you the day I die.
In my heart, I'll always be sure.
I'll never forget you.."


Saturday, July 16, 2016

Drama really loves me. My life is just like a special kind of drama. One of its kind. I know, I know, I just have to not overreact and make things all dramatic. I could, but it'll just be less dramatic, but still drama. 

I could, but would I? 

God has weird plans for me, bad timing, tough lessons, plenty of experiences. 

This is a somewhat unnecessary post. 

Today I listened to some girls talk. They were so different from what I know. It was eye-opening and slightly strange. They weren't not smart, they were, but in their words, there was so much... Naiveness. I watched them process their thoughts and attach an emotion to it, it shows on their faces, everything was so easy for them. It was so simple. Something I don't remember being. 

How long has it been now since I was.. Simple? I don't particularly pride in being complicated, I have my ignorant days too, but the truth catches up quickly. If I could rewire my brain, would I choose any differently? 

Will that make me happier? Easier to know, easier to understand? Easier to love? 

Will that make me love easier? 

"It's gonna get easier and easier somehow, 
But not today." 

; in case

Saturday, July 9, 2016

"You have to have courage to love somebody. Because you risk everything. Everything."
- Maya Angelou

 Hi there! From the realms of indefinite holidays and unemployment. In lieu of the new season of life, I decided to give myself a hair transformation (in hopes that it may also change my character, my future). It is now short, red and curly. Sounds like Ronald McDonald's hair, but definitely hotter. Hotter than your McD fries.

So, my results came out and I am officially no longer a student, officially graduated, officially unemployed, officially clueless about what to do with my life now. I am glad, I've survived what could be the last of my formal education with good enough grades. Would it be pompous to say that I'm proud of myself? Well, I am. Because despite what everyone sees, there was a lot of hard work, time, effort, sleepless nights and some breaking down to get to where I am today. Which isn't saying much, because I'm still as lost as ever. On a more positive note though, I made it. 

I've reached a point where I'm basically right in between feeling constant stress about not doing anything about my next steps in life, trying to enjoy just the temporary nothingness and extreme panic and fear for possibly for not having any future at all, because I have no idea what to do.

 Now I'm always in a state of confusion, trying to really decide what I want, if I'm willing to make those sacrifices, if it'll be worth it, if I will be happy, if I can really just accept and love, if I am even capable of love anymore.

The question that begs now: Is this enough? 

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