Passing time

Thursday, August 25, 2016

"Someone you'll love too much to ever let down."
I remember some time ago, I was having An Honest Conversation, I can't even remember who I was having it with, and that person told me that I break my own heart (too) when I break someone else's, cause at the end of the day, when they're all over it and shit, I'm still here feeling hurt about it. The truth always hurts.

It's so weird that everyone feels so justified about the things that everyone else is doing but what they don't realize is that they're doing the same thing too. Maybe I'm one of those people too.

Sometimes it's stupidity, sometimes it's love, sometimes it's faith.
Sometimes those three are all the same thing.
Sometimes it's none of those.

Grace is messy, offensive and it sometimes misses church.

I can’t sleep. I gather that has a lot to do with the fact that I’ve been waking up at irresponsible hours and sleeping when the sun rises. Something I brewing up inside my mind and its hiding from me, I can’t seem to figure it out or force it out of the corners of my mind.

Yet here I am alone at all these wee hours in the mornings day in and day out and I can’t even really figure out what I’m doing. Or what I did. All the days and nights are blending in together and I’m like a combination of tired and not tired at all because I literally do nothing. I should do something.

Some people can really get lost in this transition and I feel like I’ve been holding on so hard to make sure that I don’t really lose touch, so that I’m not going to be deemed as ‘not being successful’ but the whole I don’t know what I want to do is a real struggle.

Yes, this post is all over the place, because maybe that's really how I am right now. Its been awhile since the last update and I just thought maybe I'd write a post to keep my blog updated about how not far I've gone since then.

I don't think I am particularly unhappy about my current situation, I do admit that it isn't the best place to be right now. Stranded in the middle of the tracks with both platforms too far out of reach. This future that everyone keeps talking about, what exactly is it? This is the deciding point and the stress is building up. Its not that I'm not going anywhere, I've been to some interviews, going to some. But I think the part that really bothers me is really the uncertainty of going down that road (if there was a road to head down to).

I think all I really needed is the assurance that God's plans for me is good

Edit: I think I become self destructive when left alone too long. 

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