"...never the same love twice."

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Caving in.

  1. the feeling that someone or something is unworthy of one's consideration or respect; contempt.

"He's the reason why hurricanes are named after people."

“Let all that you do be done in love.”
— 1 Corinthians 16:14

“Perhaps this is the moment for which you have been created.”
— Esther 4:14

"Where there is light, there is shadow." 

I realised that I really don't like shallowness. Shallow conversations, shallow relationships, shallow texts, shallow thoughts.. shallow water? HAHA. Ok sorry, that was lame.

The insincerity bothers me. The lack of depth bothers me. The emptiness bothers me. Maybe its the thought that.. we could be something better but to be this?? Why??

Maybe that makes people think I'm exhausting. But I don't think that'll change, I'll always crave for something deeper than small talk and empty conversations. I've reached the point where I think even gossip is better than small talk. Its worse, but at least its fun. Ok I sound slightly shallow, but.. #truestorybro

Wow, I'm getting lamer and lamer. I need to destress.

Very random post, but everything relevant. 

"The pictures that you sent me
they're still living in my phone."

Running out of nice to give.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

I miss blogging so much, I just can't seem to find the time, the right mind, the right words, the right mood to write. But to echo my post from awhile back..

Hi there, from the real adult world! (Disclaimer: please imagine me saying it rather enthusiastically, but really, I'm not as pumped up as the exclamation mark implies)

This may or may not be a long update, considering I don't know how much concentration (or how many days) it will take for me to write a full update. 

So, before I found a job, I was somewhat enjoying my unemployment, doing what anyone else would be doing. Sleeping late, waking up late, go for random events when the chance reveals itself, such as the D-CODE water slide in the city thing, drink (a little) and eat and repeat. 

And then I went to Light Sensation, it wasn't great, but then again, I really liked the lights, so I enjoyed myself, let my eye feast on the pretty white roses. 

And then I drank watermelon straight out of a watermelon. 

And as expected, I suppose I did party quite a bit. Haha, there were good nights, and then there were better nights. I think I was really just trying to make the best out of the weekends, the lack of responsibility on the next day and the newfound somewhat party kakis.

While doing all that, I went for many many interviews. I think number of interviews I went to was close to 10. With the grace of God, the last 4 interviews that I went to, I got offers from them. From the dilemma of choosing something I actually want to do, fear of losing an opportunity, comparing the distance and the actual job scope, I eventually choose something that I wanted. The journey was long and tumultuous, it was always laced with the anxiety of having to constantly impress strangers and then trying to stay true to myself. Okay, that came out more dramatic than I expected HAHA. Long story short, I found a job la. 

With that said, my freedom days were now numbered. So my mum and I made a visit to Johor, to somewhat visit my sister. That was going to be my last vacation.. for awhile. I still think JB is boring though. But then again, we were pretty limited in the aspects of company and time flexibility (or the lack thereof).

I've missed you, sister.

Then the first day of work happened! It was nerve wrecking and everything was confusing. Honestly, I think I still get lost in the office now. Every corner of the office looks the same, the tables, the walls, the alley, everything is the same! It took me awhile to even recognize the big boss and then everyone else are still pretty much strangers to me. Its a learning process now, learning every abbreviation they use, learning all the processes, learning all the small tasks. So far, I've been like the multi-purpose helper in the team, I help anyone who needs help with anything, and they just teach me how to do it and I just do as they ask. They are all really nice and friendly so far, I am feeling rather blessed but there's been like a never ending effort on my side just trying to... be friendly and participative. Its been a month in and I've been assigned to my own project now :x
fingers crossed!

Then there was a short, but quite long, meetup with the high school friends, whom I have honestly never seen since 17. Its fair to say that we haven't changed all that much. But now we're more adult, less 'emotionally unstable' and more socially capable. We've really come such a long way, from that small town all girls school. I wished it was less awkward, but I guess reality always wins.

In my efforts to try to 'balance' out my life, I still make it a point to spend time with God, and the church people. We have a new CG leader, there are exciting times ahead. I am the youngest in the cell group and now even I have started working, everything is changing.

I literally don't have any pictures of me "working", that's a good sign right? Hahaha. It means I'm too busy working to take pictures (those who follow me on snapchat will know the real truth).

I finally got to celebrate Halloween this year! All the pasts years, its always exam season in Sunway. Everytime I would see them all dressed up and having so much fun and I'm stuck at home "studying". If no one can tell what I am, I am actually some kind of Egyptian.. princess? Haha, sounds wrong. Just Egyptian la. I was lacking the straight black hair and fringe, gladiator flats and the big flappy gold collar I guess. Who cares, I think I looked pretty alright.

My life has never ceased to be drama-ful, and in the summary of events that I have written up there, many many other things have happened. Good, bad, you name it. Its been a journey, I think I have grown so much in just that 5 months, I've expanded my capacity so much more, and I think I know myself better now. As long as just one person recognizes that I'm not all that bad, I have succeeded in improving myself. 

God has been teaching me the same lesson, I don't know why I keep stubbornly believing that things can be different, that people can be different, that maybe the world isn't such a cold, lonely place. Don't get me wrong, I've actually been feeling rather blessed. I've gotten the opportunity to meet, care and eventually love these new people in my life, yet knowing full well that some are more temporary than others. And if I dare to even say this, everyone is temporary. The only difference is the length of time that they'll actually be in your life for. Acceptance is the key. 

I've learnt to accept the pain that will always come with love. I've become increasingly numb, I'm not sure if this resilience is going to do me any good. I'm not sure which direction I'm heading to right now, but at least, I still like myself (for now) and I know I am blessed in many ways. *gasp* I think God answered my prayer. I always prayed that my heart will be filled with overflowing love. 

"Am I alone in this fight?
Is anybody out there?"

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