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"Would you read the words I wrote you?"

Friday, January 13, 2017

Disclaimer: This post was compiled over the course of 2 months, it may go a little crazy and nothing is in order. 

"The progression of my plot has been steady, especially now as I enter my prime years. Yet for some reason, I can’t help but feel this unfilled void in my life. I can’t help but feel that while my new friends are awesome, there were moments of laughter only you could bring about, memories only you could trigger."

I think I'll miss you this entire season.

*************

"I don't know where I'm going from here, but I promise it won't be boring." —David Bowie

It's 2017. It's 2017. It's 2017.  

This new year came by like a slap across my face. Or like turning a corner and just walking straight into a wall that I didn't know was there. Or maybe the wall sprung into existence when I turned the corner just to have me go face first into it. It seems the universe has a knack in giving me a hard time when it's least wanted. Who am I kidding? Who ever wants a hard time anyway?

I know I'm being a little more cynical than usual as I'm typing this now because I just went through a hell of a week, having one form of illness to another. It's been 6 days, please allow me to rage. I haven't eaten real food, I think I barely wore real clothes, I haven't done anything fun, other than stress about the work that I cannot do because I can't even sit up right for more than an hour because my head hurts so bad, and then it's hot, then it's cold, then I'm running to the toilet every half hour now with a constant pain in my stomach. I just want it to end, sigh.

I did try to take some time to just review my 2016 as well, despite it being much less than ever before because there's just.. no time anymore. Or maybe I don't make that time to let my brain run anymore. However, I did gather one thing about my 2016. It was really a year of letting go (be it willingly, or by force, but mostly unwillingly) and new things. New things, new people, new experiences. I can't say that it was a bad year, it wasn't spectacular, but it wasn't bad indeed. I think that there were just a lot of things that happened that I wished didn't but it still did and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. And I think that I got quite a number of things off my bucket list. Some of it being getting my braces on (finally!), going to Bangkok, going to Perhentian, workcation in Seoul, got a job (?), cut my hair short, and some unmentionables (heh).

Eccentric characters. Last year, I've met quite a number of just really interesting people with special characteristics and while it has been amusing to interact with them, I spent more time observing (as I usually do), usually in admiration. Of how they can be the things I am not, the things I want to be, the things I wish I could be. But despite that, I understand clearer why they've got to be them, and I got to be me. Balance.

As the new year came about... while I anticipated that text, while I wanted to send it but slipped out of my mind from all the chaos, that one new year wish reminded me of my 2016 resolution (HAHA) and how I actually didn't achieve it. But I don't feel too bad about it actually. In fact, I don't really care much for it anymore. I started the year off telling my bestfriend that I was going to get a boyfriend that year and then proceeded to follow through with my plan. But I literally forgot it even existed for this last few months. I think it's just become like a lull, just there.. silently but not daunting me anymore.

I did however freak out a little bit as December came to an end, about being older this year. Omg, my youth is suddenly just passing me by.

Despite everything, I think I will definitely remember my 23rd year of life as a large part of my youth, it's like, season 5 of a long series. I feel like God's definitely a really good writer. His stories are amazing and I am so proud to be the main actress of this movie. Technically it's my movie.

I've been plagued with this uneasy feeling that I can pinpoint comes from where exactly, or what does it even mean. Maybe because I've been sick literally since the year began, and the first day itself was pretty depressing. Oh well, the whole few weeks leading up to the new year was pretty horrible for me anyway. I was being hopeful, looking forward to what the new year could bring, I could be better at my job, I could learn more, do more, I really wanted to. And then... this. I literally went to work for 5 hours this week. I had a list of things to do, which I wanted to, but had to pass off because I was too sick. Ugh, I am so angry. I want to be healthier, but at this moment, my body doesn't even allow me to. I understand by now that this is going to be a tough year (again), but let's not jinx it with all my negativity and pessimism and lack of profound joy.

I have no idea what to feel about this new year, what I should be, what I want. It would be rather demotivating for me to say that I just want to make it through? 2016 was somewhat like that for me too though, I just kinda wanted and waited for it to end. But then 2017 rolled in and... I also just want it to quickly pass me by. Maybe on better days I would say that I would really like to live. You know, live life. Instead of letting the days pass me by.

Hmm, I did that in 2016 though. I did what I wanted on that day. I took some chances, some risks, some high level impulsivity there. But there was always just something missing. I have no idea what it was. While everything was still good, and I am blessed by what I have and by those around me, it was as if I was constantly just looking for something else, something more? Please don't mistake this is unappreciative-ness, I assure you it isn't. I was, am constantly aware of the large amounts of love and care that I receive and I cannot be more grateful for it. I just keep feeling, thinking, that there's something greater. Yet my brain warns me over and over again to not overlook the present. And I listen.

On the other hand, by next month I would have been single for 2 years now. I know that the people who knows me will always say 'you're not really single all the time'. Well, I won't deny that there's always people walking in and out of my life (maybe because I let them) but they also don't see the moments when I am on my own. I did a lot on my own last year, I've had more meals alone than all 23 years of my life combined. But it's all good. I've learnt to embrace those times, somedays I even plan for it now. I say I am single maybe because I (selfishly) have not made any commitments to anyone, did not live for anyone else, did not love anyone (mutually), did not fall in love with anyone (mutually). In fact, everything last year was vague and unsure and even though I felt those feelings, they weren't... plausible. Okay, I am evidently still as confused as before.

Haven't talked about love in awhile now, have I? I feel like I have no idea what I think love is anymore. It's not that I don't know know what love is. I just don't know what it is to me anymore. I haven't thought about love in awhile now. It was like something cancelled out of my life for a point in time when I thought.. I wasn't going to encounter it? I wasn't capable of it? I wasn't ready so I shouldn't try? I have no idea. An idea that plagued me for days and night and suddenly just completely vague. I spent all those time trying to figure out what it is. Now I just see it as a much simpler way of life. I suppose it is a good thing that I am no longer obsessed about love and finding love. But that also makes me a very loveless person I feel, because suddenly it is no longer something I leave lingering in my thoughts, ready for connection (like a neuron in the brain).

It's like I've almost completely lost touch with my emotional side. I probably shut it off for too long. I could make it a point to say that it'll be my resolution to open it this year and get in touch with it again but.. I highly doubt that's going to make any difference. It may become just another disappointment when 2018 rolls in. Oops, the cynicism kicked in again. Someone once told me that I should open the doors and I strongly answered that it is. Maybe it isn't wide open, maybe it's only a little ajar, but it isn't closed. I am open to all possibilities. But that's also one thing that brings me all the problems. Too many possibilities.

If anything's changed at all, I'm more (and more) jaded than before. I am still trying to find good within myself and let it show more often than not. I am still trying to grow as a person, to only be better and a little worse. I am still a combination of good and bad, but unfortunately, that's the way I want it to be.

Maybe I'm going to be a workaholic? Maybe I will find love? Maybe I will travel more? Maybe I will make new friends? Maybe I will become hot (lol)? Maybe I will be successful? Maybe I will be lost? Maybe I will go? Maybe I will stay? 

Oh well. Happy 2017 everyone. 


“Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.”
Mark Twain


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