"From the perfect start, to the finish line."

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Just running through my problems, while running away from my problems.

I always have this super good post written up in my head, while I'm brushing my teeth, walking across the street, just when I'm doing mindless things. And when I actually open up the page to type it, its almost all gone. That's really inconvenient. Is this just a case of mindlessness? Forgetfulness?

This is getting progressively more frustrating. I just feel that over the course of the years (I'm 24 now, gasp!), I've just become.. dumber. I wonder if older people go through this too?? Or they're all learning and gaining tonnes of experience in life and becoming more and more pro at what they do, and then there's me. Why does it feel like I'm just regressing with time? I grew up loving the power, always wanting to be in charge, always taking up the task, always the responsible one. Now I literally run away from the responsibility, run away from the decision making, always letting someone else take charge. I just want to be a really good sidekick now.

I used to have this analogy. Its still pretty applicable now, but I think just slightly less than before. There's the king, he's the leader of the kingdom. Every king has an advisor, the one who tells him what he should and shouldn't do, and as all movies portray it to be, the advisor is the one who holds the real power. I used to be (?) and want to be the advisor. Recently, I just want to be the advisor's right hand man. Is this something every fresh grad feels or am I the one just thoroughly feeling extremely incompetent (and treated as such)?

The motivation is barely there, this is like a punch in the gut to my already low enough self-esteem. Everyday I'm just trying to tell myself "Its okay, you'll get better. Its okay, you'll learn after this. Its okay, you're not that stupid." Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my job. But that's what's bothering me even more. Everyday I go in and I'm like "Yes, let's do work" and then while I'm doing it, there's all these things I can't figure out, can't really ask, can't make decisions about and then it slowly becomes a sad acceptance that sounds like "Just do what you can for now", while knowing that it isn't a good job.

Maybe this doesn't make sense to some people. Maybe I'm just being kiasu. Maybe its just my pride getting bruised (a little too much) and maybe I just expect more from myself. Nowadays I just watch these women around me, so assertive, so smart, so wise and I think to myself maybe I could be them one day, as I have always dreamed to be. But the sad part is like.. thinking that while knowing that I might not make it. I just don't seem to have what it takes (anymore).

I don't understand why its happening, what is happening. Yes, I know that it just sounds like a whole lot of made-up negativity and that I'm just bringing myself down with these unnecessary thoughts. Yes, I know what the world will tell me. "Just stop being so negative, you need to strive for it, fight for what you want, if you want it hard enough, you'll make it."

My brain flits back and forth between being motivated and then completely giving up. I feel that this has been going on for awhile now. I can't seem to focus on anything I am doing, I cannot think, I cannot create, I cannot solve problems, I can barely notice the mistakes even. The intelligence that I so admire in people is really just slipping away from me. I don't even know how to argue now, all I know is just to keep mum because its easier that way. Is it ignorance or just emotional unavailability?

I'm (still) very, very tired. 

" Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong."

"I can't be bothered"

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

"Just a little, not enough to kill me, just enough to cause an annoying yet ignorable pain."

Just in that post where I was trying to figure out what to do with this year, I've set my mind on one thing. Work. This may be like a 'duh' moment to some of you, but since I was so demotivated previously, this was a choice that I really had to put my mind to. Sometimes I do it because I want to, sometimes because I want to not be incompetent, sometimes because I do it because I want to improve, sometimes I do it because I simply have nothing else to do but work.

Its become a norm for me now, I don't stress about staying late. Staying late is almost default now. Its not like I have anywhere or anything to rush to. It took me some time to really grasp the fact that this is something I do now. I got to get up everyday and do these tasks everyday and I got to become good at it at some point. I think almost 6 months in, I'm almost getting there. Understanding that this is my new path.. moving away from the past. My colleague once told me that it would take approximately a year to really absorb and accept the fact that we are no longer students. I still feel like a student some days.

I know when I made this choice, that I am forgoing a lot of other things, by choice. But.. I didn't feel that I had much to choose. Now bigger decisions are coming, and I just wish there was someone I could speak to who knows my position. I was so close to it today, but then.. I didn't want to make it about me.

Its been a really tough February, there was an immense amount of workload, an immense amount of emotional distress and an immense amount of self reflection and way, way, way too little sleep. I don't even know how to elaborate about it at this point.

I'm definitely feeling much calmer now, but unfortunately, it feels like the calm before a storm.

Let's do a quick recap...

Valentine's Day happened. I got really pretty pink flowers and many un-granted wishes. 

 Sister came back and we partied the night away.

 Sister came back for eldest sister's wedding. Listened to Daddy drunk ramble about life and life lessons and everything in between. Still feeling really blessed by everything despite all the ups and downs. We've come a long way. I think all these life events make you realize how far you've come, how much you've lived (and not lived) and who are the ones there along the way. Whoops, getting a little emotional now.

And lastly, Happy (belated) Birthday. You've been a blessing to me too.

 This was a completely random, unplanned post. Just felt like its been a long time since I had time to even sit down with my own laptop and not the company's one.

Recently I feel like there's a lot of life to live but I am just not doing it. Sigh.

Big sigh.  

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