"From the perfect start, to the finish line."

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Just running through my problems, while running away from my problems.

I always have this super good post written up in my head, while I'm brushing my teeth, walking across the street, just when I'm doing mindless things. And when I actually open up the page to type it, its almost all gone. That's really inconvenient. Is this just a case of mindlessness? Forgetfulness?

This is getting progressively more frustrating. I just feel that over the course of the years (I'm 24 now, gasp!), I've just become.. dumber. I wonder if older people go through this too?? Or they're all learning and gaining tonnes of experience in life and becoming more and more pro at what they do, and then there's me. Why does it feel like I'm just regressing with time? I grew up loving the power, always wanting to be in charge, always taking up the task, always the responsible one. Now I literally run away from the responsibility, run away from the decision making, always letting someone else take charge. I just want to be a really good sidekick now.

I used to have this analogy. Its still pretty applicable now, but I think just slightly less than before. There's the king, he's the leader of the kingdom. Every king has an advisor, the one who tells him what he should and shouldn't do, and as all movies portray it to be, the advisor is the one who holds the real power. I used to be (?) and want to be the advisor. Recently, I just want to be the advisor's right hand man. Is this something every fresh grad feels or am I the one just thoroughly feeling extremely incompetent (and treated as such)?

The motivation is barely there, this is like a punch in the gut to my already low enough self-esteem. Everyday I'm just trying to tell myself "Its okay, you'll get better. Its okay, you'll learn after this. Its okay, you're not that stupid." Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my job. But that's what's bothering me even more. Everyday I go in and I'm like "Yes, let's do work" and then while I'm doing it, there's all these things I can't figure out, can't really ask, can't make decisions about and then it slowly becomes a sad acceptance that sounds like "Just do what you can for now", while knowing that it isn't a good job.

Maybe this doesn't make sense to some people. Maybe I'm just being kiasu. Maybe its just my pride getting bruised (a little too much) and maybe I just expect more from myself. Nowadays I just watch these women around me, so assertive, so smart, so wise and I think to myself maybe I could be them one day, as I have always dreamed to be. But the sad part is like.. thinking that while knowing that I might not make it. I just don't seem to have what it takes (anymore).

I don't understand why its happening, what is happening. Yes, I know that it just sounds like a whole lot of made-up negativity and that I'm just bringing myself down with these unnecessary thoughts. Yes, I know what the world will tell me. "Just stop being so negative, you need to strive for it, fight for what you want, if you want it hard enough, you'll make it."

My brain flits back and forth between being motivated and then completely giving up. I feel that this has been going on for awhile now. I can't seem to focus on anything I am doing, I cannot think, I cannot create, I cannot solve problems, I can barely notice the mistakes even. The intelligence that I so admire in people is really just slipping away from me. I don't even know how to argue now, all I know is just to keep mum because its easier that way. Is it ignorance or just emotional unavailability?

I'm (still) very, very tired. 

" Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong."

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