"Just a little, not enough to kill me, just enough to cause an annoying yet ignorable pain."
Just in that post where I was trying to figure out what to do with this year, I've set my mind on one thing. Work. This may be like a 'duh' moment to some of you, but since I was so demotivated previously, this was a choice that I really had to put my mind to. Sometimes I do it because I want to, sometimes because I want to not be incompetent, sometimes because I do it because I want to improve, sometimes I do it because I simply have nothing else to do but work.
Its become a norm for me now, I don't stress about staying late. Staying late is almost default now. Its not like I have anywhere or anything to rush to. It took me some time to really grasp the fact that this is something I do now. I got to get up everyday and do these tasks everyday and I got to become good at it at some point. I think almost 6 months in, I'm almost getting there. Understanding that this is my new path.. moving away from the past. My colleague once told me that it would take approximately a year to really absorb and accept the fact that we are no longer students. I still feel like a student some days.
I know when I made this choice, that I am forgoing a lot of other things, by choice. But.. I didn't feel that I had much to choose. Now bigger decisions are coming, and I just wish there was someone I could speak to who knows my position. I was so close to it today, but then.. I didn't want to make it about me.
Its been a really tough February, there was an immense amount of workload, an immense amount of emotional distress and an immense amount of self reflection and way, way, way too little sleep. I don't even know how to elaborate about it at this point.
I'm definitely feeling much calmer now, but unfortunately, it feels like the calm before a storm.
Let's do a quick recap...
Valentine's Day happened. I got really pretty pink flowers and many un-granted wishes.
Sister came back and we partied the night away.
Sister came back for eldest sister's wedding. Listened to Daddy drunk ramble about life and life lessons and everything in between. Still feeling really blessed by everything despite all the ups and downs. We've come a long way. I think all these life events make you realize how far you've come, how much you've lived (and not lived) and who are the ones there along the way. Whoops, getting a little emotional now.
And lastly, Happy (belated) Birthday. You've been a blessing to me too.
This was a completely random, unplanned post. Just felt like its been a long time since I had time to even sit down with my own laptop and not the company's one.
Recently I feel like there's a lot of life to live but I am just not doing it. Sigh.