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Waste.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

verb
use or expend carelessly, extravagantly, or to no purpose.
adjective(of a material, substance, or byproduct) eliminated or discarded as no longer useful or required after the completion of a process.


A word that's been playing in my head all day long.

There's so much noise, but it's so quiet.
There's so much to do, yet there's no accomplishment.
There's so much people, but it's still so lonely.
There's so much conversation, yet there's nothing said.

Did I just write an impromptu, non-rhyming poem? Yes, I did.

The fatigue I have been feeling is in-explainable. I feel that I do so much, but I don't do anything at all. All I see is that it's all a waste. All the hours doing something, trying to do something. It's all a waste, nothing comes out of it. All the hours spent doing nothing, it's all wasted, nothing comes out of it. I go places, I do things, it's all a waste, nothing comes out of it.

I think what I mean.. is that there's no purpose. I feel that I am wasting my days away doing things that seemingly have no purpose to me. I'm doing all these things mechanically, because I have to. I go to work because I have to. While I'm at it, I try to do my best, because I have to. While I'm at it, I get stressed, so I go out and I try to meet people, have fun, laugh, try to have a good time, because I have to. I try to make people like me, because I have to. I try not to be mean, because I have to. I try to be less selfish, because I have to. I maintain all my existing friendships because I have to. Its as if I have no control over anything that I do, or don't do.

My mind is slipping away from me. Some time ago, when I had the ability to think, I took pride in it. These days, all I want to do is mindless things. Or just nothing. I want to do nothing. Or there is just nothing I want to do.

I know that sometimes people feel jaded, as a "tired, bored, or lacking enthusiasm, typically after having had too much of something". Is there such thing as too much 'nothing'? I can't begin to explain how 'nothing' I feel about my life right now. 

Everything is a waste. All the time I'm alive right now is a waste. I'm wasting the life God gave me. All the hours I'm wasting. All the sleep (rest) I am wasting. All the words I'm speaking is a waste. All the work I am doing is a waste. All the hours I spend awake is a waste. All the hours I spend asleep is a waste. All the food I'm eating is a waste. All the money I am spending is a waste. All the money I'm not spending is a waste. All the care I am receiving is a waste. Wasted on me. All the things I have right now is a waste. All the freedom I have is a waste. 

Everything has no meaning. What is it that I can't seem to change anything? Its like I want all these things. I want to be desired, I want to be smart, I want to be successful, I want to be rich, I want to be kind, I want to be pretty, I want to be loved, I want to love. But the question is.. why? What for? So what? So what if I am all these things, so what if I have all these things? So what if I don't? Its all just a waste. 




I'm drowning and I can't save you.
Run, run away. 



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