And you let her go.

Monday, July 24, 2017

When I prayed for doors to be opened, I believed. But God is greater, His plans are perfect.

There were many doors. Well.. anything more than one door is many doors.

"You don't know what you've got till you lose it." 

I suddenly feel that there will be people who'll miss me when I'm gone. That is a very foreign feeling, and it gives me the fuzzies, laced with some.. mild surprise.

I've been staring at this post for the past hour, only added one sentence. I think I feel more like blogging now cause there's no one to talk to. I'm already pretty bad at talking to people, now I'm also bad at writing. Dammit.

That sentence has been ringing in my head for the past week. How true it is, how unfortunately true it is. Its true to me, true to others as well I think. We I think its really hard to see what's in front of your eyes until you realize its fading. While my presence feels that way to others, I realize once again what I have to let go. I mean, at some point, it does feel gratifying to know that I am appreciated and that I am a part of someone else's life. But, it brings along that little stab in the heart knowing that you didn't matter all that much until you weren't going to be around much longer.

I am willing to put that feeling aside for now, classifying that under 'Mistakes That Humans Make', even though I can't fully shake it off. I'm not actually writing this post to complain about how humans are incapable of fully appreciating what they have until its gone. I was writing this post to express my (still) extremely mixed feelings about my current situation.

In my final efforts to spend time with people that matter the most, I find that every laugh and every conversation, every moment is followed by the bittersweet taste of impending farewells. I've never been good at goodbyes, letting go is my weakest flaw, walking away is almost impossible. While I know that I made this decision (and that it is not a bad one... yet), I have no idea how to execute it. Now I'm mechanically going through it, pretending to be so nonchalant saying my goodbyes, but my heart is like constantly being crushed. Like its held by a fist, and the hold gets stronger every time I tell someone, every time someone looks at me with that surprised expression, every time I need to pretend that I'm okay.

While I was driving back on my own today, I realized that all my youth was spent here. I was all young and naive and stupid and mildly impulsive and daring yet careful and I did everything here. Not that I have specific plans to not do all of that somewhere else, there's no denying that time is running out slowly. I gotta get up, grow up, be an adult somewhere else. I think in all my attempts to adult here, I barely made it.

Every turn, everyone, everywhere, everything reminds me of something I am, something I have here.

I am so, so grateful, for everything. And while in certain moments, I may seem to make everything seem obsolete, I know what I have. And that's you. You. Thank you.  

I feel that I am the only one who hasn't accepted that this decision is a good one.

I'm going to be okay.

"Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go.."

좋은 기억 많아.

"Life isn't pretty; we all get a little wrecked sometimes."

Monday, July 10, 2017

Its been awhile.

I am at a big crossroad at my life now, not sure which junction to take, not brave enough to step out, not content enough to remain stagnant. I always ask God, why is it that I can't just know what I want and do it? Why am I always covered by greed? Why can't I love in the way that He taught me to? Why am I so painfully, yet necessarily selfish?

Crippled by fear, I am standing right in the middle of the yellow box, not sure where to turn, not sure where to run. There is no one in sight, just me. This is not a bad dream, this is reality.

What am I doing? What am I going to do? 

So much has happened, my life is like a full fledged k-drama. 두려워, 외로움, 둘 다. 자신감이 있었으면 좋겠어.

I am sorry that I have been unable to fill up my blog with all the experiences and thoughts that I so wish to, circumstances did not allow me to. And as usual, it was my natural instinct to hide and be.. invisible. Somebody will appreciate the way I am someday....right? Sigh.

I'll help you find comfort in walking away.

"你那麼愛她, 為什麼不把她留下?"

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