Suppressed.

"If I could change the world overnight
There'd be no such thing as goodbye."

How many times will I have to feel this before I actually go?

Do all songs just automatically sound extremely depressing when you're sad? Or was every song written sad but made to believe as a happy tune, masked by melodies and fun drum beats?

Okay, I'm obviously losing my mind. I haven't had this feeling in awhile, its so unfamiliar, so unnatural. I can't even tell if I'm pretending. Its like.. I feel it, but I can mask it so well, I'm wondering if its real, or am I like creating it on my own? Since I like to wallow in sadness so much. *insert eye roll emoji*

Was never good at letting go, but I secretly think I am getting better at it. A little more numb, with tears for decoration. I also think that I haven't cried in awhile, that it was like a sudden surge of sadness. Now I'm like in shock at the effects. It felt.. necessary. The exclamation of pain was relieving. But it's always a wake up call.

I have so much on my mind. I'm so frustrated that I can't put them down in words. I can't brain it, I can't comprehend all these feelings, I have no idea what to do with them. I feel.. suffocated. Suffocated by my own thoughts that have no escape. Suffocated by the silence and fake smiles. Suffocated by the pretense and ignorance. Everything just hurts.

I don't understand! What is this feeling?? Why would I feel this? What does it mean? How am I going to wait this out again?

My writing skills are too rusty now. I sound (as I think I always did) sound like a whiny teenager who complains when life gets hard. But I am really just complaining about how I don't understand, maybe refusing to understand what I am feeling because I am afraid of the implications of it.

It doesn't make sense.