“You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.” --Harlan Ellison
Nothing feels quite real. Time just passes me by and nothing happens. Nothing happens except that I find myself dwindling down that familiar dark path again. I'm slowly sleeping less, slowly eating too much, slowly getting sick and staying sick. There isn't much of a today, there isn't much of tomorrow. Everyday seamlessly blends together in bad endings, if there were endings. Its like a reel that continues and continues, it lacks colour. That's what it feels like for me these days.
It is, however, very honestly and from the bottom of my heart, very touching to see those that were suffering for so long, finally get their break. Finally things are looking up. Finally its not all just pain and emptiness and loss and faithlessness. There is something life has to offer. This is what I tell people, when I can.
But now I can't. I've lost sight of that (again) and I am tired. So exhausted. I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore. I suddenly became unsure if its worth it, whether it was worth it at all. I realize once again that with or without me, life moves on just right. Truthfully, I know those thoughts as they form in my head, they're all made up, all real, but all fake.
"A paradox to most observers, Architects are able to live by glaring contradictions that nonetheless make perfect sense – at least from a purely rational perspective. For example, Architects are simultaneously the most starry-eyed idealists and the bitterest of cynics, a seemingly impossible conflict."
This conflict is eating me up from the inside, driving me less than sane.
I'm learning my place. Again, and again. Every time I become close to forgetting, I get this loud painful reminder that usually just ends in silence. So much silence. There's so much silence, its deafening; but there's no loud noise or music enough to silence that.
What am I even saying. I need sleep. I need to get away.
