"There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move." --Matchbox Twenty

So it seems like the other day when I made the decision to continue screwing myself over in life and it's often I do not understand why I make such decisions. It feels right, but it's also terribly wrong. Which one do I ignore? I'm testing myself everyday, pushing and pushing the limits.

It could be worse, it could be better. We can only wait to find out now. I don't know how I am making such ignorant decisions and yet hoping for the best outcome. I don't trust myself in human judgement now, everybody talks. Says things, do whatever it takes, almost always for selfish reasons. And as usual I am here wondering if there's ever a chance for humanity.

They've thrown out all your things, something I should be doing too.

I would have loved you

I think in time there will come a day when you wake up
and think of me and the only words that will come to mind will be,
"What have I done?"

I hope you regret this. 

I will

"I know what I am --not much." 

"It's been raining since you left me

Now I'm drowning in the flood."

At this point I’m just sitting around wondering how I am going to move past this. There’s that sadistic side of me that just wants to sit in the pool of tears and uhh.. Cry. It’s taking it's time to sink in. It should come in like a tsunami and just like destroy everything and be on it's way. That way I can slowly move into like fixing things and restoring life. But no, it’s not happening that way. This is like a superbly long monsoon where it just rains and rains and it doesn’t stop. It never stops. There’s no short break of sunlight, there’s no rainbow. There’s just rain and more rain. The sky never brightens, the paths are never dry. The water is pooling and the water level is increasing ever so slowly, never lets me get comfortable. Then it gets harder and harder to breathe. There’s no room to breathe.

And then it ends.
It ends.

It better f*cking end.

"Take a look at my face

There's no price I won't pay

To say these words to you."

-- Bon Jovi, Always

"I thought I lost you somewhere

But you were never really ever there at all."

Which side wins?

There is an affinity that I wish I could ignore, to make this as meaningless as it can be. But there's a large black hole of emptiness that is sucking away all the life in me. It's a gnawing loud, big, big amount of nothingness.  

So, as meaningless as I try to make it, there's this silent scream that is constantly deafening me. I can't explain this. Just the other day I think I said something along the lines of like feeling lighter, like a guilty weight lifted off my shoulders. But I should have known better. It hadn't kicked in.

But, now it has. 

I'd like to say I'm not ready for this, not ready at all. But when am I ever, right? We're going to go through this faking it until we make it. We, being the loud-ass scream in my head and that gaping black hole. It's everywhere, in everything I see and do and feel. Sanity is quite hard to come by these days.

It's here now, the month of May. Honestly, every year, this is the month that I dread the most. And historically, Mays have been the worst for the last few years. I can't remember the last time I looked forward to May. This is the beginning of the reality that I refused. I had refused for almost an entire year now and it's come as a slap across the face.

It's the push off the cliff, one that I might need to soar, but one that could very well kill me too.

"This is not goodbye."
In my mind, all I hear is, 'liar'.

Still falling, 

still falling everyday.