I don't like the words ringing in my head, those horrible words that you've said. I don't like that horrible thought that keeps playing in my mind, keeping me still. I mean.. it pushed me away, and now its forcing me to stay away.

Freedom. Its not actually real, is it? Its never real. What does it take to be free?

"God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, He will also provide a way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” 
1 Corinthians 10:13b 

Desperately in need of a pep talk right now. My sanity is dwindling.

"沒有誰能把妳搶離我身旁."

Hello, from Shanghai! 

Its been a strange journey. I'm at my 2nd weekend here and.. well. Everything is a contradiction. I can't seem to really figure out what I feel about everything that is happening. There's good, there's bad, but I have no idea which is more and which is less and which is appealing to me more. Things are not exactly better here, but not exactly worse either.

I'm not exactly homesick (yet) I think. I miss home, of course I do. I think I am fun-sick, not homesick. There is nothing to do here, literally. I can't move around freely, the sky gets dark at 6pm then the whole world seems to stop turning. I would like to explain where I am exactly, but honestly, even I'm not sure. I am just.. in the middle of plantations and trees and long, straight highways. Rivers. There's a lot of river here. I think I am doing a really bad job at explaining.

Let me supply you with a photo..

Work-wise, everything is weird. I have definitely been spoilt by the corporate life, the big MNCs, international business. Now I am here, in a really small room, with a really big screen but a small table, the glare gives me a headache everyday. The aircon is a standing aircon, which power actually amuses me, because it looks like tiny and Chinese, compared to those giant freezing cold centralized aircon they have in tall buildings. There are no tall buildings here. It seems like the tallest building I've seen nearby is the apartment building next to mine, its probably like 18 floors tall? Hmm.

There's a lot of green. Green everywhere. Its a green, open spaced prison here. Its like a prison from fun. I have no idea what they do for fun here. Maybe that's why Chinese people are so addicted to the dramas and series. Hmm. What about life beyond a screen?

I am here, writing this, facing a screen, because I also don't have anything to do outside also. Can't go anywhere on my own. Its really funny, because I am with a Moroccan very often, and he looks like a foreigner. They're shocked at fact that he can speak Chinese. But then they look at me and they're like "You're not Chinese?? You don't speak Chinese?" in such disbelief, its amusing at the opposite reactions we are getting. I've told people I am American.. Singaporean? So funny, probably I will say Korean next. I can't seem to place myself in any other countries. Any further Asian country suggestions?

Today as I sat alone at the China Gong Cha, with an American setting (lol at the contradictions in China is epic). My life here is a contradiction. As I was saying, I was sitting at iGong Cha alone, and I kinda wanted to be alone. But the weather was good and chill, the place was decent, there were people walking around and there were dogs running around, lights and all. And in that moment I didn't want to be alone.

 I literally still don't know what's going on in my life, still not able to get my shit together, still no idea what to do with myself. My heart is heavy, it's everywhere, in different places, in pieces, it's definitely not settled. 

Time is a friend and the biggest enemy.

잠간 인사 할게.

이별 이 왔네. 난 잠간 갈거야. 잘해 야지.

I'll be going for awhile. Just awhile. At least for now. Thank you so much to all the love and kindness. You have all been so amazing, I cannot be anymore blessed.

I'll miss blogging. Maybe I'll have more stories to tell. Maybe I'll experience more life, more everything. Or maybe I won't.

I'll be back. Please wait for me. And remember me.




This is a temporary goodbye.

"Love, pride, deep fried chicken."

"Told a story about a man who was too afraid to fly so he never did land."

 I don't want to be the person who is too afraid to fly. At the same time...

"And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?"

I want to find 'myself out there'. These words are questionable. Am I not 'myself' enough now that I need to go 'out there' to find myself? What even is 'out there'? Where is this 'out there'? Will I miss this 'me' the song is singing about? What am I really looking for?

Packing is always a trip down memory lane; makes you open folders kept in the far corners of the cupboard, makes you unseal envelopes that you had forgotten the contents of, makes you read words written years ago, makes you see photos of faces you don't see anymore, makes you remember the people you've once loved, makes you remember the people who once loved you, makes you appreciate the ones who are still around, makes you realize how much (or how little) you have grown. Very, very nostalgic.

Of course I found a lot of pain in all these items and memories. But oddly enough, I just feel so... blessed. In all my 24 years of existence, all the people who's paths I have crossed, the ones who come and go, the ones who stay for awhile, and the ones who'll stay for a long time (if not forever). I am just suddenly dumbfounded on how much love has been given and received. Yeah, insert words about how love is the thing that makes the world go around, is the center of all life and existence and bla bla bla. I do believe in that though, ironically.

I just can't wrap my head around it. What have I done to deserve all this love? I can't seem to put in words how grateful I am for all of it, so much of it. Small ones, big ones, all the same love. At this point I am experiencing this weird feeling where I think I've lived a good life, I am content. Is that what I'm feeling? Maybe its that feeling I was talking about when I said that I feel calm when everything suddenly turns white (a referral to an old post). I feel that as long as I remember that, I can die tomorrow and I would be okay with it. Given, I think I still want to live (gasp! shock! horror!) and I still have things to achieve and more people to know and love. On the other hand, remembering when times are low, I always know what I did to deserve the pain. Always. I remember the lessons I've learnt, what changed me, what makes me who I am today, the good, the bad, the ugly.

I will love better. That's the goal. In my own twisted ways, I will. 

At this point, I feel extreme anxiety, uncertainty drives me crazy scared and not knowing what's in store for me across the South China Sea. My very good friend, Insomnia, has returned again, as on cue. I am scared, but I feel that small tinge of positivity. I just hope that its God telling me that everything is going to be okay. With a warm hug. I need many hugs right now :(