"Love, pride, deep fried chicken."

"Told a story about a man who was too afraid to fly so he never did land."

 I don't want to be the person who is too afraid to fly. At the same time...

"And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?"

I want to find 'myself out there'. These words are questionable. Am I not 'myself' enough now that I need to go 'out there' to find myself? What even is 'out there'? Where is this 'out there'? Will I miss this 'me' the song is singing about? What am I really looking for?

Packing is always a trip down memory lane; makes you open folders kept in the far corners of the cupboard, makes you unseal envelopes that you had forgotten the contents of, makes you read words written years ago, makes you see photos of faces you don't see anymore, makes you remember the people you've once loved, makes you remember the people who once loved you, makes you appreciate the ones who are still around, makes you realize how much (or how little) you have grown. Very, very nostalgic.

Of course I found a lot of pain in all these items and memories. But oddly enough, I just feel so... blessed. In all my 24 years of existence, all the people who's paths I have crossed, the ones who come and go, the ones who stay for awhile, and the ones who'll stay for a long time (if not forever). I am just suddenly dumbfounded on how much love has been given and received. Yeah, insert words about how love is the thing that makes the world go around, is the center of all life and existence and bla bla bla. I do believe in that though, ironically.

I just can't wrap my head around it. What have I done to deserve all this love? I can't seem to put in words how grateful I am for all of it, so much of it. Small ones, big ones, all the same love. At this point I am experiencing this weird feeling where I think I've lived a good life, I am content. Is that what I'm feeling? Maybe its that feeling I was talking about when I said that I feel calm when everything suddenly turns white (a referral to an old post). I feel that as long as I remember that, I can die tomorrow and I would be okay with it. Given, I think I still want to live (gasp! shock! horror!) and I still have things to achieve and more people to know and love. On the other hand, remembering when times are low, I always know what I did to deserve the pain. Always. I remember the lessons I've learnt, what changed me, what makes me who I am today, the good, the bad, the ugly.

I will love better. That's the goal. In my own twisted ways, I will. 

At this point, I feel extreme anxiety, uncertainty drives me crazy scared and not knowing what's in store for me across the South China Sea. My very good friend, Insomnia, has returned again, as on cue. I am scared, but I feel that small tinge of positivity. I just hope that its God telling me that everything is going to be okay. With a warm hug. I need many hugs right now :(