Soul machine

"As humans, we instinctively develop a loyalty and affection for those who show us the most loyalty and affection. This is all love really is: an irrational degree of loyalty and affection for another person—to the point that we’d come to harm or even die for that person."
--A brief history of romantic love

I've grown to love a handful of people in my measly 24 years of life. Some I've lost, some have stayed. In those stories, I've also collected a lot of heartache in all those years. When I was all young and naive and unable to reason the pain away, the common idea was to not love anymore, to prevent that kind of pain to repeat again in this lifetime. I may have lived like that for a year or two. Then, I had one very kind friend who was honest enough with me to tell me to re-evaluate the way I am treating people. And so I did.

Actually, I think I did a good job at ensuring that the pain didn't repeat itself after the 2nd time experiencing it. As the saying goes, the first time is a mistake, the second time is a choice. So after that second time, I became much more resilient, my shield was up and strong. Sometimes, too strong, it deflected a lot of good people too.

Currently, I think I've reached a good balance of good and strong. Not entirely a pushover, but not ignorant. I'm surrounded by a lot of good people. People who subconsciously make me a better person. More like force me. Is this what peer pressure is? Lol, peer pressure to be kind? Whatever it is, I think its a good kind of pressure.

But that painful experience that I had been deflecting for so long, I think its creeping up on me now. Its like an imminent approach, and while I did anticipate it, I do not look forward to it. I'm not sure what this experience will make me become. What if I become more monstrous? I'm already so old (hopefully much more matured), how much more damage can I do, right?

And on the days when we're alive, I choose to love.

I hope you do too.

"I wish somebody would have told me that
That some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won't forget."