Have been feeling this double fold these days. Don't really remember those days when I meant just a little bit more to some people. Only less. And less.
I've been telling myself that I need to get my shit together since I came back. But I think its almost 3 months already and I haven't gotten my shit together yet (the day might never come actually, I'll just move onto another) but I think I'm reaching my threshold.
No doubt that it being December, and nearing Christmas, makes me extra mindful of it. It's like a social construct that's been seeping into my mind; that a new year should be a fresh start. But from that midnight, to the next minute, life exists in the exact same way. Trying to wash my brain up a little, but there's no soap that works well enough, no bleach that's strong enough. Only more and more dirt.
Nevertheless, I feel this ever existing sense of okay-ness in the midst of all the not okay, although everything is generally not okay. I feel these small moments in the day where I'm just glad to be where I am, despite the extremely messed up bigger picture. Sigh. Okay. It's going to be the same rant over and over again so let's not.
"I'm not going to wait until you're done
Pretending you don't need anyone."
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