Don't write me off just yet

 

But you're so sad.

But you're so sad. 

But you're so sad. 

But you're so sad. 

But I'm so sad.

But I’m going to keep doing it. I’m not scared, it doesn’t matter as much to me what happens to me. I wouldn’t forgive myself, like I don’t with many other things, but I won’t forgive myself if I didn’t do this. It seems like I’m going to think different things every other day on how I’m gonna make it through another day. 

Some days it sounds like “okay just keep doing this”, sometimes it sounds like “you can’t give up, there’s nothing else”, sometimes it sounds like “I don’t know how long I can hold on”, sometimes it sounds like “can everything please stop and I’ll never have to wake up again”. Some days God may tell me “persevere”, if I can hear Him. I heard Him. 

I am tired. These three words are such simple words to really say what I feel, but I feel infinitely more than just those three words. I’m too tired to live now. That doesn’t seem to change. This blog itself has the word tired so, so many times. 

The weariness is holding me down, longer and harder than before. I can’t do anything anymore. 

It’s 7 days into the new year, 7 days too long. It’s 7 days into the new year and I still don’t want it. 

What is the hope here? What am I waiting to change? Fool. I’m just waiting to end. How many more of these posts am I really going to type? Many, I think. So many until there’s no more. 

"But as for me, I am poor and needy;

may the Lord think of me.

You are my help and my deliverer;

you are my God, do not delay."

Psalms 40:17

Do not delay. God, please.