"Drink?"

 Well, shit. 2022 is still happening. I haven't been here in awhile, I didn't have the words. It looks like that's going to be a problem. 

Sigh, is that something I have to fix too? Will it be self-inflicted torture if I don't want to fix it? There's no reason to. If that's just some part of me that doesn't work, and I don't use it, it doesn't need to be fixed. Right? 

I don't have a need to use my words anymore. I don't need to express what I feel anymore. I'm trying a little here and there since there's not much left to lose. There is no profound need for me to fix this part of myself. Because there's no need to express myself and no one to hear it (sorry, Mr. Psychologist lol). 

Let's see. 2022. 

"I'm about 80% like who I used to be." 

I don't want to be who I used to be. Of course, that was just a comparison out of need. 

I'm legit struggling trying to make up words here. Apparently, I'm in remission. I had to google the word just to make sure I understood it correctly. It means "a temporary diminution of the severity of disease or pain." 

I'm usually okay, whatever okay means while in remission. Until someone reminds me again what they think I should be doing. I should apparently, 'open up' or 'go out'. Those kinda stuff. Am I still using my disease as an excuse not to do anything? Am I being irresponsible if I'm not making those efforts to "recover"? 

My mother tells me she's glad my sister is doing things cause that means it helps her to be 'normal'. Why? The irony. Thankfully, she can't see my face. Am I angry? A little, yes. Resentful, yes. I'm the one who's not okay. Why doesn't anybody know? It's my fault again, right? Because, literally, refer to the past few paragraphs. I didn't say. 

I'm the reason to my own pain. 

I'm usually okay. When people don't remind me, I'm usually okay. 

Just throwing the usual pity party for myself. Whoop whoop. Goodnight.