"Don't you fcking disappear." 

That was the nicest thing someone has said to me all night. 

Strangers, friends, everyone else.

********************

I'm having one of my moments again. Along with my phone, which has been acting up for the past two days. Sigh. The "He needs me, I have to be strong" thought is definitely the only thing propelling me on for now.

When will I learn to stop being selfish? Granted, my hormones are definitely messing with my mind too. Its hard to be having a hard time, worse when you're having a hard time separately. Gone are the days where all that mattered was S freakin PM, and all we ever did were struggle with Addmaths.. together. At least I wasn't alone. Growing up really sucks balls.

I wish somebody would help me. But there's noone around. Everyone's too busy trying to help themselves. I'm trying to help myself. I've turned a blind eye to many people, I know. I understand. I will help myself. And pray that God helps me too. 

I'm tired. Its like a continuous downward spiral. I have enough negative on my own, I don't need more. Happy people that are not pretending to be happy are hard to find. 

Its going to be over soon.
And then its gonna start all over again.
When did life get this.. long?

19th.

 SO, I turned 19 yesterday. 

First (successful) surprise, D came over at about 1am with a cake and popped out from behind the wall when I walked out of the bathroom. Heh. This is kinda the first time something like this happened on my birthday. Things have changed. :)

So I made a wish, wished for everything I already have.

With my sister who came back the with ChaTime for me earlier, who also let him into the house and (surprisingly) kept the secret well. :p

The next day, well, technically on the same day, normal routine. Woke up, went to Orange for lunch, where they paid for my lunch and sang a birthday song for me, thankfully not too loudly. Ahhh, I'm gonna miss them so much when CIMP ends. Then I went for my first class where they also sang me a song, a loud one this time. :)

On the way home, D came and gave me flippers. Lol. They're small and cute, everything my feet is not. But well.. they're pink. Heh. ᄒᄒᄒ

After he was being weird the whole afternoon and seemingly stressed at night, we went for dinner at Friday's. Sigh. Sighs. Sighss. I don't really want to elaborate on that but I'm sure those of you who've been there know what happens on birthdays. They made me stand on the chair, sing, give a speech, blow the candle far far away, you get the point. Its so nice of them to come, ahem, especially eye candy for the night, ahem. HAHA. It was the first and last thing I saw in the restaurant that night. It was a great night, and no, I'm not being sarcastic.

The last surprise, is definitely a surprise. Vincent texted and then called, then told me to go down. And on my way down, he suddenly told me to just walk straight. Suddenly, he came from behind me with a cake and sang the birthday song for me. It was such an 'awww' moment. It seems that I also talk like him when I'm talking about him ._. 

Then we just talked for about an hour about absolutely nothing. He's one of those people that I just have to quote cause the stuff that he says is just so... LOL. I spent a lot of that one hour laughing.

"If one person says that 'Human is fat', and one person says 'Fat is not human'. 

Then, am I human?! Ahhhh, I am a lump of fat!"

HAHAHA, I swear I don't remember how this conversation happened but it was soooo funny and it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

So, he also somehow gave two chicken essence by the end of the night. ᄏᄏᄏᄏ

I am thoroughly touched by everything that happened, God is so good, and all the people that He's sent into my life are all such a great blessing to me. The only thing that was missing this birthday is my mum and my three best friends. :( I miss you all.

Its like a day of self evaluation, and everything around me. I know things have changed drastically than what it used to be, and maybe I've changed along with it. I used to be in high school and wonder how its like being 19. Now that I know how its like being 19, its like a huge difference from before, but also exactly the same. Maybe I've grown old, maybe I've grown up. Maybe I'm actually just really young. Everything is a lot different from when I was 'young'. Is it weird to say that I miss myself? Hmmm. But... I just lost my train of thought. Nevermind.

Big THANK YOU to my boyf and sister, and Zhan Wei and Brandon and Shi Ann, and Vincent.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

All the hearts in the world for all of you. (: 
♥

I am a happy girl.
Thank you, God. I love You.

Those who come and go.

 CIMP Prom, Monte Carlo @ Empire Hotel

4th May 2012.

The tickets were really nice for the price we paid. Long and laminated.

My 'dates' for the night, Brandon and Zhan Wei. They're some of the best people I've met in CIMP, and we're so.. distant, but still friends. I think I owe them a lot when it comes to surviving the 2nd semester. Its really weird that the two people I'm closest to in college don't share any classes with me. Oddly enough, I know I can count on them, even if I don't. They're so precious to me, I don't think they know. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Now, these are people that come and go. KY, LP and Sam. Don't ask me why they're named like that. Canadian teachers can't pronounce Chinese names, you see. Haha. KY, I've only met that night. LP, met since day one of my first semester, one of my first friends. I think i'm really mean to him but there's just some people in life that can't be connected to. Sam, my best classmate in ENG4U. I think I'll miss him. 

Mr.D, one of the best lecturers yet. (: And some of my econs classmates. He was a lil tipsy by then and was talking REALLY LOUDLY and pink in the face and almost leaning on me while taking the picture. Lol. Ms. Nancy wasn't there I think. =\

It seems I had my own little after party. I feel SO BAD for abandoning Brandon and Zhan Wei but uhmm.. lets just say, these people are closer to my heart. CIMP is.. not. I had a good day. I feel blessed. <3

Now its like I have a war to prepare for. Nearing the end of the last semester, with many final projects to finish and research papers to write. Ahhhh. Breathe in, breathe out. It'll all be over soon.

All praises to God.

Aflame.

"You think the weather here is bad?
No, the weather is Hell is worse." 

Sunway CF Camp @ Golden Sands Baptist Assembly, Port Dickson.

It was a completely last minute decision to make, but I know that it is not a coincidence that I went. It was God's plan. I didn't know what was going on, where we were going, what we were gonna do, how, what.. why? I didn't doubt my decision, but I grumbled a little. Nevertheless, like any good camp, I'm glad I went, and I'm glad I'm back. And I hope I'm back changed.

Its been so long since i've been a camp, moreover a CF camp. The one word I kept hearing from God throughout the camp was encouragement. I know I was lost for awhile before the camp, and when the option to get closer to God came round, I couldn't say no.

"We don't survive on leftover grace."

I know God has been using people to speak to me, and I hear it. Going back to God is always easy because His arms are always open. But I also know that neglecting God's much more easier. Everyday will be a challenge, and I can only pray I persevere.

"If God has forgiven you, for goodness' sake,

forgive yourself."

After the encouragement came the teaching. There are ways I have to change, I don't know, how to be that people may see Christ in me. It bothers me when people find out that I'm a Christian and go "Really? I never knew." Its as if I've been showing them otherwise. But, why? What am I doing wrong? 

"For what will it profit a man if he gains everything and loses his soul?" 

- Mark 8:36

 The people: 

My group for the camp, Blazing Beta.

with Victor, group mate. 

with Gideon, who does not have Facebook. 

with the girls, on Banquet Night. Which is this activity that the camp had for us. Each guy picked out a name of a girl and uhhmm,. went for dinner together? It was.. awkward. The one I went with, Kevin, was 18, doing A levels, and really quiet. I did like 70% of the talking and just tried to make it less awkward. It was.. fun. 

Then we had a campfire, where there were roasted marshmallows and oreo, some good live music, African praise song, failed choir, great company. 

Obligatory sister picture. (:
We had some fun not telling people that we were sisters, nobody really figured out until the end, and even then they didn't want to believe us. Haha.

"I have fought a good fight.
I have finished the race."

Thank you, God. Life is hard, but God is good.

A thousand times I failed,

still Your mercy remains.

Proportionate.

그냥 있으면 돼.

내 옆의.

♥

한달.

11th April. Its been a month. 

It honestly feels like its been longer. I have no idea what that's supposed to mean. Sometimes I wish time would just fast forward to a year later or something so I don't have to actually go through it. Thats a sad thought, but I really cannot find the confidence to believe I'd make it through all that. Oh god, whats with all the negative thoughts. 

Anyway, its all been good. Its been one of the best months of my life. I don't dare to think further. Lets just say, lets try to make it to two months. (: 

Its so freaky, I've never really celebrated these things. Well. We ate some really nice pasta that day. I actually don't think we have any picture together other than some uhh.. red-faced ones. Haha. The thought of that makes me kinda sad now. =\ 

That funny essay thing he wrote for me. ᄏᄏᄏᄏᄏ It is exactly what I just described it as: funny. I would say its really nice and sincere and.. funny. ᄒᄒᄒ

원래 이런 걸 여자는 해는데. 내 남자 친구가 더 로맨틱이네. 

미안해, 감사해, 사랑해. ♥

Never back down.

남자는 웃긴다. 

너무 감동적인.

여자보다 더. 

._.

귀엽다 생각했지만. 

힘들어죠. 

다치기 면요?

그럼 어떻게?

아이구.  

Maybe I've settled into comfort too soon. I think most people take years to get to my phase now. Why do I always feel everything so fleetingly (and) fast? I just.. believe. I'm okay being on my own. 쉽게 잃어버린 않을겟지. Is it wrong for me to believe so? Hmmmm.  

Maybe I'm holding on too lightly?

And because its been such a lazy Saturday, this is all I accomplished. 

(:

Wise words.

"After a rainy day, there will be a sunny day. But you never even open the window, you won't know whether its sunny or rainy."

Thats the best description of me I've heard for awhile. Its eye-opening. I never saw it that way, but now I see. Friends, they come and go. This one friend. Hah, he's one I should never forget. Teaches me new things all the time. He tells me I'm happier. I think I know why. I may be a little afraid of the reason, but I have to admit it is the truth. 

<3

Death, is a serious matter.

Dancing on my own.

"When someone said count your blessings now

Before they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew?"

-- Pink, Who Knew.

Baby, tell me why you're acting strange.

4 teas, 2 people. Irrelevant picture is irrelevant. 

I have no idea why I'm feeling lost once again.
Okay, maybe I do.

"There are two kinds of men in this world. There is the kind of man who needs a woman to complete his life. And then there is the kind of man who needs a woman with whom he can share his complete life with."
So inspiring. 

I need motivation.

No.2

난 남자 친구 생겼어.
I think I'm crazy, a lil out of my mind, 

maybe somewhat blinded by what people call love,

knowing that I'm capable of it. 

I've always known that I was capable of loving, if I ever found someone to.
Maybe this could be my first try.

Maybe this could be my last try.

난 미칠 것 같아.

Maybe I'll snap out of it when reality hits me.
In the face. 

Hard.

Different levels, different devils.

What would I have to do to for you to stay?

Music Man II.

Venue : Stadium Merdeka, KL

Date : 3/3/2012

"I say Music, you say Man!"
"Music!"

"Man!"

Dayumm, its considered one of the best concerts that I've been to. Lee Hom is indeed a music man. He was great throughout the concert and only lip synced the first 3 dance songs. He's got a live band and he played the violin, er-hu, piano and his extremely awesome dragon electric guitar. I don't know why I was so attracted to his instruments.

The piano. Its like.. WOW. I don't really get why I like it so much but its just so awesome. The design, it being white and gorgeous, its like its made perfectly for Lee Hom. Which it probably was. Lol. He had it on a moving stage and moved along the front of the stage. The violin playing is like heaven to my ears. I probably had my mouth hanging open throughout the all the violin playing. Like I did when he performed 美. He's got the charm, the voice, and I've never thought of him much of a dancer but he's just all round perfect. Haha. He's so comfortable on stage, he has so much fun and it shows.

The concert is so thoroughly prepared, its so hard to find something wrong with it. I love how his band stays and plays the song, with his backup singers while he changes, it keeps the show live. And when you think the song ends, he shows up again. I love how he had the video about the World Vision which shows how he cares about society. His stage, albeit small, has screens at the side of the stage with real good graphics. He's got this vertically opening stage and had an orchestra performing with him. He's got kids singing with him for Ai Yin Wei Zai Xin Zhong, the lil girl really can sing. His costumes were really.. shiny. Haha. The bright red outfit, the army themed shirts and all his shiny dragon stuff. 

Dragon stuff. Haha. There was so many people there, its pretty cool. Pity the people on the field, it was all soggy and muddy. And wet. =\

Can't remember what he was singing. But it was awesome.

During the encore, when he came out with this shiny gold matching tracksuit. 

I'm sorry for the block of text, but I tend to ramble about concerts. If he comes back, I'd definitely go again. Just listening to him sing from afar is already pretty awesome. I would've been totally heartbroken to miss him here. He did all my favourite songs, its just so amazing to hear all of it live. He's so dorky, he's saying all kinds of funny stuff and then laughs at himself. He took time to thank all the sponsors, his band, singers, backup dancers and then pointed out all the fanclubs/signs that he sees. 

He was like "Thank you all for.. taking a shower with me today." Cause it was raining throughout the concert. And then there was this fansign that read "LEE HOM ADDICT" and he was like "Don't your hands get tired? You've been holding it up since the beginning." And then there was the weibo update where he filmed himself and the crowd going "Saya cinta padamu." He started the video with this really loud "Hey!" and then laughed cause it was so awkward. Ahhh. So adorable. Then he sat on the moving thingy that circled the whole stadium, its so nice of him to do that, while singing A Simple Song and Bu Yao Hai Pa. SO HANDSOME. Gahhhhh.

I think this might be the first non kpop concert that I've been to and there's much difference. First, they have whistles. Real loud ones. And colourful lightsticks. They don't really scream much, but they clap. Even though Lee Hom probably can't hear it. Haha. 

There's this bunch of fans in front of us and around the stadium, who are very.. enthusiastic. They have this fan chant and clap thing going on, they try to wave their lightsticks together. And you can see this person standing in the front directing their lightsticks. They also attempted some waves which were not too bad really. They were so funny to watch, but I admire their spirit. (:

"I say Gai shi, you say Ying shiong."
"Gai shi!"
"Ying shiong!"

Okay. This is one long fan account the nobody will read. Indeed it is a great concert, Lee Hom is a great musician, and I think I fell in love again.

♥♥♥

One day.

"I promise I'll be okay."

Good guys, bad girls.

"I love how you tell me about the ten other guys, it makes me wanna fight for you even more."

**********************

 I suddenly feel so bad, not that I wasn't before. But today, even more. Because now I think I know how it feels to not be loved back as much as you love. Not that I've never felt it before. Maybe I just kinda made it a blank space in my head, subconsciously hiding the pain. Huh. Oh well.

Just a reminder.

A moment of vanity from couple of days ago. I was introduced to Photoshop. Heh.

I think I blog too much recently.
I can't even tell apart my happy posts and my sad posts anymore.

29th February.

"What do you have to say to me on the last day of February?"

"Thank you."

"What do you have to say to me on the last day of February?"
"I really love you."

Shit.

With praises.

Come and remind me who You are.

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me

I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness.

슈퍼 쇼4.

 SS4 SINGAPORE

19th February 2012

Singapore Indoor Stadium

Now. This Super Show I have to say, was one of the most.. unsatisfying one. =\ We went through so much trouble and stress and money to get the tickets. We were seated so far up and so far to the side, all we saw were their sides, we couldn't even see the screen. CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT.

Complains aside, I SAW 동해! That is the major plus plus plusssss point for going through all that trouble. Gah, I love that man so much, its crazy. I always try to come up with a reason why, and thats really not hard. ᄏᄏᄏ I can make a super long list and all, but there's only one sole reason and the reason is LOVE. ((((: He was soooo cute the whole time, I think he was high or something. He kept speaking gibberish engrish and kept interrupting Henry with his "yeah man" and all. Haha. He was hyper throughout which I think is rare. =\ But ahhhh. So much cute dancing and waving and Polaroid picture taking, blowing kisses. Awwwww. His hair is so adorable and brown. Sighsss.

But of course, I love Super Junior as a whole and Min was soooooooo adorable throughout, dayummmm that man is sexy. He's gotten kinda chubbier and I think thats so cute and his face. Ahhhh. Perfection. I feel so bad but I almost zoned out throughout his solo because my legs were so tired and I thought it'd be better if he sang. But he likes his sexy chicks and all, so yeah. It was still awesome. He did a lot of butt wiggling, no idea why. It was as if he had an imaginary bunny tail or something. Min was totally gorgeous as Marilyn Monroe, there was a part where Siwon lied down and Min stood over him, Siwon's face under his dress. I'd get some pictures to blog about but I really don't have the time to. :( Ilu, Min.

Zhou Mi is so good looking, its so hard to not love him. I honestly have no idea what his solo song was, other than the fact that it was Chinese, he sounds awesome. All the time. Henry was super cute. His solo, Off my Mind+Lazy Song+Lighters. Omg that violin solo is to die for. I'm so so so happy i heard it live. 

Teukie was like going out of his mind or something, he head banged so much throughout the concert I really hope he doesn't hurt his neck or something. He was so nice and leader-ish, he had this funny speech about being happy and how to be happy and the answer to that is to 'eat' Super Junior's love. Haha. Gotta love his nonsense.

Hyuk was pretty quiet this time around although he had his small share of talking. I have no idea when that came about but they keep doing this "됐어!" thing when the others were being ridiculous. It like we have no 운명 or something. I never ever get to see him up close after all the Super Shows I've been too, its so unfair. He's still handsome throughout and damnn he dances, he dances well. Its so good to watch. Maybe he was sick or something cause he couldn't go into the fountain and Mi took his place instead.

Kyu, omg Kyu, he's gotten skinnier I think, or maybe his face got smaller, or maybe I was just far away. But he was so sweet, went around waving at the fans, I'm quite sure he waved at me at some point. Such a sweetheart.

Siwon. Lol, Siwon. I dunno why but everytime I go to a Super Show, I see him the most. Sighss. Its not that I don't love him, in fact, I tend to love him more when I see him live. Haha. That body.. woah. Its like the epitome of  perfect body building. *swoons*

Shindong. Looking sooo good nowadays. His hair is cool, his Hyuna solo was awesome, I actually think I spent a lot of time watching his male dancers doing Bubble Pop instead. And from where we were sitting, we could see him strip behind the screen. Haha. 

Yesung. Uhmmm. I have no idea what went on with him, sorry Yesung. Yeahhh. He still sings so well and the mics were giving them problems though. He reluctantly got wet at the end. The whole stadium was like "Yesung! Yesung!" And then he just went "No!". But gave in in the end.

Wookie. Omggg Moves like Jagger was so good live, he's a bit confusing to watch. Its not like he was in a bad mood or anything cause he was kinda high when he was Gollum, doing weird dances and lying down with his saxophone. Haha. And then he just becomes.. quiet. His hair was so cute and all, tiny person. I miss him already. In fact, I miss all of them. This is withdrawal symptom indeed.

Sapphire Blue Sea, ELFs. Proud to be one. (:

I basically spent the whole concert stalking Min and Hae, it was so hard to decide who to watch. Ahh. happyhappyjoyjoy.

슈퍼주니어 짱!

보고 싶어.

빨리 돌아와요. 
ᅲᅲ
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥+♥♥

ᄃ.

Happy Valentine's Day~ 

기억만 있어죠. 증거 없어.

난 잊지 않을 게요.
고마워요. 

(:

안돼요.

미쳐가. 난 . 

I'm losing my mind bit by bit. 

12 Feb. One of the weirdest days of my life.
Parents. What.
.. is wrong with me. 

내 생각을 감각이 않다. 

아니, 생각 너무 많은데. 

어떻게? 

바보처럼 하지말고. 

괜찮아. 일시적인 미친짓.

뭘? 뭘? 뭘?