Its been such a tearful month, I can't really explain why. I think there was this one week where I cried everyday for four days, all for different reasons.There's just an unexplainable amount of pain that I've witnessed and personally experienced, vicariously absorbed it from everything around me. Its so sad to see the people around me being unhappy, sometimes I wonder if I'm unhappy for all the wrong reasons. 

I can't remember what I used to be. I'm not sure if I want to. But the new me isn't getting anywhere either. There is a significant change thats happening to me that I just can't seem to figure out. There's something terribly wrong with the words I speak and things I hear and the way I think. I just.. don't know what it is. Yet. 

There's such a long way to go. So much pain in the world that I wish everyday, if there is something I could do to make it better, with my capabilities, I'd do it. But everybody's hurting. I saw things I'd rather not seen, but am awfully glad that I've existed for awhile. I don't think that sentence made much sense. It doesn't make me feel better that I've seen all that anger, but I'd rather I did than not. 

 

So, this has been an oddly happy and sad month, both trying to outnumber each other. Penang trip was good, the leaving part was sad. :( My tearful chicken rice. The bestfriend from Ipoh feeling all sad, making me all sad and guilty. D being emotional when I left to Ipoh, oh and braces omggg braces, I'm so scared.

 I've made some serious mistakes. Maybe one. Maybe more. I can only pray for forgiveness. I'm not sure who I'm directing all this guilt to. I don't know what to do. I can't do anything, dammit. Thats what I'm so angry about. Its all very simple. Just say no, stay away. Why can't I? Ughhh. I'm not sure if I'm sad or disgusted or disturbed or completely apathetic. I know for a fact though, this is all wrong. This is not what God wants for me. Just, please. Help me. 

To wrap up the month, we went to zouk to celebrate his belated birthday, drank sex on the beach shots, I think I had 3. New record. Haha. Had some terrible tasting whiskey? Drank from a ginormous jug of long island. The dance floor was empty, except for these extremely tall angmo girls and funny middle eastern guys and then there was a white blond curly haired guy who was clearly crazy drunk.

Bwahahaha. Bwahaha. Yes. That's all. I dropped his phone on the floor. :\ sorry.

My face is like "wth is this bright light doing in my face". Hahaha. Excuse me for trying to cover up my face with all the editing, I really cannot show that face to anyone. Its too drunkfaced, I could barely walk but it was all good. To protect our image, no one should ever see these pictures unedited. 

All copyright infringement. 

Possibly signing up for uni tomorrow. God, let this not be a mistake. Because what's worse than knowing its a mistake, is knowing that I will go through it all just for the sake of it. No, no please. No.

I won't forget. 

The pain, the bitterness.

He watched out for me, too. 

Is all I can tell myself. 

This is indeed a rant post.

 Sigh. 

D.

오늘은오빠의 생일였다.

생일 축하 해!

많이 할 수 없었어, 미안 해.

감사해, 나와 함께 줘서.

사랑한다.

♥♥♥♥♥

우리들이 함께 사진이 없어.

너무 슬프다.

  

Incomplete equation.

On the 11th, I took the train (alone) and went back to Ipoh. :) Food is so cheap there I cannot fathom why I have to suffer here in Subang. :\

Then on the next day, went to the usual Japanese shop and ate all the desserts that were in the menu. Haha. Ice-cream and mochi. Mmmm.. black sesame. Then Mr. Calvin took me on a ride on his new super bike through the highway all the way to Meru. It was pretty fun, but I have no pictures on myself on the bike. :( then we went to yumcha in Oldtown before calling it a night.

 

 On the next day, we headed to PENANG. Road trip! Wheeee..

 It started off a lil disastrous for me because the bus what leaving at 8.15 but I woke up a 7.45. My hair was still dripping wet when I got on the bus 5 minutes late. Then we took the ferry and sat right in front. :)

Once we checked into the hotel, we searched for food immediately. The sun was glaring and we were so hungry, we just stopped at a nearby coffee shop and ate some pretty good yong tau fu, the loh mee is just not for me I think.

Then we headed to KDU so that Ezzie could meet up with her friends. Its so.. foreign there. The people were amusing to watch. Makes me wonder why I have no love for my own college and the people there. After that, we went to Gurney and did some successful shopping.

Chilling at Gurney Drive, camwhoring. Some people who passed by really thought we were koreans. Haha. 

Hung around for awhile with Ezzie's friend, some quite good looking, flirting with Kristal all the while. Heh. After when George finally arrived, we went to feast. Haha. I did finally get my char kuay teow the next morning, so no complains. 

And the main location for the night, 69 Mansion.

Its pretty cool out there, I just realised I didn't even get picture of the water and pool and stuff. But well.. go there yourself if you wanna know. I think its a really nice place, it was just a lil too big and a lil too few people.

We had a bucket of Heineken, long island and a mojito. The long island tea was very.. strong. Couldn't drink more than a few sips. Then George had to go pour beer into it. 

 Of course, we had to go to the beach. Finally! We had quite some fun there I guess. Kristal and I ran across the beach and George had fun trying to get us to go deeper into the sea but got his own jeans wet in the end. Haha. There were so so many inappropriate but precious pictures taken. :)

The next morning, we woke up, ate brunch, missed the ferry, missed the bus, took a later bus back home, slept the whole way back. 

So we came back, Unnie and I had a long talk again about.. life. Haha. Then we pulled ourselves off the bed and went to Jo's dad's early birthday celebration at Indulgence.

I MISS YOUR FACE, JO. :((((

 

 Us girls for the night in our little corner with our not so little conversations.

Sorry for the shortened post. I had a great time this whole trip. But right now, my expression is as it looks like in the picture above. I need to just like.. sit around and think for awhile. Hoping the next blog post won't be a rant post. 

Unnie and Jo are leaving this Friday. Sad face forever. :( 

I'm gonna miss them forever.

One step closer.

"Your worst battle is between what you want and what you feel."

Indeed it is. I'm procrastinating because I'm afraid. Maybe I'm thinking there's something better. Maybe I'm thinking I'll know what I want in time. But evidently, time has passed and I still have no answers. Maybe I'm giving myself a chance to suddenly just.. know. Maybe I subconsciously don't want to go anywhere, don't want to do anything. I just don't know.

One thing I do know though. I cannot just do nothing.

People struggle when they are after something and fail at getting it. People suffer when they have absolutely no direction in life. I don't know which one I'd rather be in.

I've made mistakes in life. Its not like I don't know how its like to make mistakes. I know how it feels, I know there's nothing that can be done about it because what's done is done. The moving on part is the hardest. What now? On certain gloomy days, I'm thinking its time for me to make a mistake, to get a taste of real failure. But the thought that follows tells me why I would go ahead to make a mistake, even though I don't know if its a mistake yet. Yet. I keep saying it like it will be, yet I pray everyday I won't make mistakes as such. Its just not me.

Random rant. Ipoh-Penang trip coming right up.
:)

Dream, catch me.

There's a place I go when I'm alone
Do anything I want, be anyone I wanna be
But it is us I see
And I cannot believe I'm falling.

Ulu Yam.

Yes, I finally got the name of the place. We went to Ulu Yam, somewhere pass Ampang and near I have no idea where. It was uhmm.. awkward? Hmmm. No la, it was pretty okay. So they were supposedly going to take off at 6 but left at 7 instead. And I didn't get sleep at all. With futile attempts though, I slept from 2.30am to 3.35am and got up and never went back to sleep. :( It might've been a lil more than okay if I wasn't so sleep deprived. 

On our way up...

"Bro, this is how you spell waterfall right?"

"Correct la bro, what English course you take man?"

Entertainment. Hahaha. I love them both combined.

Poser Omar at the backseat. ;p

 We took the back road which also leads up to Genting to the waterfall. As we drove pass the cemetery that we did the other time, way pass midnight when he was freaking out about how scary it was and all. Haha, I was so tempted to send a text to that friend, but fortunately, there was no reception there whatsoever. (: heh. Saved. 

 And so, I managed to see things that I never got to see the other time up because it was pitch black. Today, it was bright and sunny and I'm with different people, different kinds of fun. Haha. Although, I do remember both times being extremely sleepy. There's this HUGE lake that, the wind's blowing, the place is cold with less polluted air. Ahhh.. nature. Not to forget good company. :)

We had to climb down these steep uhm.. hill? to reach the water. The water is ice cold. Terrifyingly cold. But it was all cold after much shivering. I just realized I have no picture of the actual waterfall. :( How can that be? Sigh. Oh well. I really wanted to jump off the cliff as well but getting up the rock was a bit of a challenge. Small, small regret. The water's not dirty much, but it looks murky because of the sand.

 After starting off the fire, barbecuing some chicken and sausage, I did kinda finally get into the water after much bullying. Hmmmmphhh. Haha, it was all good fun. After all, if you can't beat them, join them.

 I hope Philip forgives me for the extremely awkward shot of his naked upper torso. I was trying to get a picture of well.. all of them. Haha. Cannot even see his face. Oops. :\ I still didn't catch all their names. I didn't even get a picture of Andrew. And Yang. And... the rest.

Uhm. That other girl who came along, who's name I can barely say, much less spell, French braided my hair for me. Hehe. I really wish I could do it myself but uhm.. no, I still can't. Sorry to end with a not so nice picture of myself. I wasn't really feeling it. Lol. My eyes are swollen in the picture too. :\

It was a good day, I haven't been in to a waterfall for A Very Long Time. This is only my second time at a waterfall. I thank God for all these people that I've been surrounded by. :)

So. Mini flail. He's still so.. fair. Ahh, I woke up immediately after seeing him so happy. Awwww. He did lose some weight, still looks good la, flappy hair and all. Keke. Sighsss. That face. That smile. 

Mini rant. I have no idea whats going on really. I don't understand the thoughts, I don't understand what I'm feeling. I don't understand anything. Its like I have no peace in my heart when it comes to this. And I still don't know why. Maybe I'm over thinking it, maybe i'm not thinking at all, I don't know. I don't even know why. Sometimes I think its me, sometimes I think its him, but its not fair for me to decide this on my own, and yet I can't bring myself to say anything. Mainly because I don't know what to say.

To be continued...

A little bit of love.

"Tomorrow doesn't matter
When you're moving your feet
It's all about tonight"

-- All About Tonight, Pixie Lott. 

So it seems that while I'm sitting on my fat ass everyday perfecting The Art of Doing Nothing, my boyfriend bought me a pair of shoes. He picked it, he loves it, I love it.  

Thank you so much, sayang. :)

In other words, I do nothing everyday but sleep and eat. Occasionally I bathe and comb my hair. I only spend time with two people. One's permanently in my space, and I in hers, my dearest sister. And the other is one who's space I want to be in? Haha. 

Its been almost a month since my self declared holiday begun. Kristal and Jo have returned. Ez is doing the same thing I do everyday but in a different city. Boyfriend's been working. And I.. don't know what to do with life. 

This break that I'm on, I have no idea what to make of it. Am I not only just wasting time? But.. resting? Resting. Hmmmm. I sleep from 5am to 4pm everday, I wake up just to eat and bathe and sit in front of my laptop. And then.. after much effort, I fall back asleep. Good life, some would say. 

I'm not too sure.

3rd.

3rd monthsary.

오빠, 

너는 고생 했어. 

나와 함께있어 줘서, 고마워. 

사랑한다.

Graduation.

 I've officially graduated from CIMP.

 Mummy and grandpa came from Ipoh to sit through the boring ceremony. And left right after I got off stage anyway.

 With Brandon and Ms.Nancy, I'm gonna miss them so. :|

Class of 2012. 

I don't know what to feel at all. A sense of loss? A sense of freedom? A sense of emptiness? Or nothing at all? Its not the fact that CIMP's ended that's confusing me so much, its always the next step. So I've graduated from pre-u with distinction, and I have received my results officially. Now what? Where to go, what to do, pray pray pray. 

Otherwise, I had a pretty good day following the ceremony, with.. 

Oppa and Omar. Haha. (: 

Domino's for lunch..

..followed by ping pong, some leg dipping in the swimming pool and messing around with kids. 

난 행복해 ♥

달라 보여, 차가워 보여.

I've recently discovered that I cannot be alone. 

언젠간 알아봐서, 내가 혼자있을 수없는것. 병 것같아.  

 

내가 어떻게? 

ᅲᅲ

Change the equation.

Last day of CIMP: 25th May 2012.

Mr.D, Ms. Nancy, Ms. Vanessa, not forgetting Mr. Chen. Also, Mr. Murphy, Ms. Sumathy from last semester. Thank you for being great teachers. I've never experienced this kind of teaching/learning before. For this, I would say CIMP is a whole different experience.

The people that I've met are so different from those at him, or maybe I'm different. Fitting in is really hard. Really. But thats okay, I don't have to fit in. Heh. I'll stand out.

Now its all over, I'm really glad that I don't have to be in a place filled with acquaintances trying to be friends. Its more lonesome and tiring than fun. I think I need to attend some social classes or something. Considering how I plan to go forward with humanitarian subjects and social science, even with the understanding, it is not easy. I'll be that creepy person who's everywhere, almost invisible, observing the actual socializing but not doing any of it. Hmmmmm.

Mr. D playing Twister on the last day of class. I am proud to say that I once had a lengzai angmo teacher. :D

With Audris, I've only come to know her in my econs class. (:

I won't miss CIMP as much as other people, but it doesn't mean that it didn't mean anything to me. In the back of my mind will be small, but vivid memories of this two semesters here. I think I've lost contact with all CIMP people within 12 hours of the last day. Lol. I'm not even sure what that makes me feel.

CIMP is officially over for me, I passes my OSSLT exam. Thank God. But... what now?

*************

I have a problem. 

I have a boyfriend who doesn't stop saying sorry.

Heh. 

"I love him, but every day I'm learning.
Without me, his world would go on turning."

Its not enough.

"Don't you fcking disappear." 

That was the nicest thing someone has said to me all night. 

Strangers, friends, everyone else.

********************

I'm having one of my moments again. Along with my phone, which has been acting up for the past two days. Sigh. The "He needs me, I have to be strong" thought is definitely the only thing propelling me on for now.

When will I learn to stop being selfish? Granted, my hormones are definitely messing with my mind too. Its hard to be having a hard time, worse when you're having a hard time separately. Gone are the days where all that mattered was S freakin PM, and all we ever did were struggle with Addmaths.. together. At least I wasn't alone. Growing up really sucks balls.

I wish somebody would help me. But there's noone around. Everyone's too busy trying to help themselves. I'm trying to help myself. I've turned a blind eye to many people, I know. I understand. I will help myself. And pray that God helps me too. 

I'm tired. Its like a continuous downward spiral. I have enough negative on my own, I don't need more. Happy people that are not pretending to be happy are hard to find. 

Its going to be over soon.
And then its gonna start all over again.
When did life get this.. long?

19th.

 SO, I turned 19 yesterday. 

First (successful) surprise, D came over at about 1am with a cake and popped out from behind the wall when I walked out of the bathroom. Heh. This is kinda the first time something like this happened on my birthday. Things have changed. :)

So I made a wish, wished for everything I already have.

With my sister who came back the with ChaTime for me earlier, who also let him into the house and (surprisingly) kept the secret well. :p

The next day, well, technically on the same day, normal routine. Woke up, went to Orange for lunch, where they paid for my lunch and sang a birthday song for me, thankfully not too loudly. Ahhh, I'm gonna miss them so much when CIMP ends. Then I went for my first class where they also sang me a song, a loud one this time. :)

On the way home, D came and gave me flippers. Lol. They're small and cute, everything my feet is not. But well.. they're pink. Heh. ᄒᄒᄒ

After he was being weird the whole afternoon and seemingly stressed at night, we went for dinner at Friday's. Sigh. Sighs. Sighss. I don't really want to elaborate on that but I'm sure those of you who've been there know what happens on birthdays. They made me stand on the chair, sing, give a speech, blow the candle far far away, you get the point. Its so nice of them to come, ahem, especially eye candy for the night, ahem. HAHA. It was the first and last thing I saw in the restaurant that night. It was a great night, and no, I'm not being sarcastic.

The last surprise, is definitely a surprise. Vincent texted and then called, then told me to go down. And on my way down, he suddenly told me to just walk straight. Suddenly, he came from behind me with a cake and sang the birthday song for me. It was such an 'awww' moment. It seems that I also talk like him when I'm talking about him ._. 

Then we just talked for about an hour about absolutely nothing. He's one of those people that I just have to quote cause the stuff that he says is just so... LOL. I spent a lot of that one hour laughing.

"If one person says that 'Human is fat', and one person says 'Fat is not human'. 

Then, am I human?! Ahhhh, I am a lump of fat!"

HAHAHA, I swear I don't remember how this conversation happened but it was soooo funny and it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

So, he also somehow gave two chicken essence by the end of the night. ᄏᄏᄏᄏ

I am thoroughly touched by everything that happened, God is so good, and all the people that He's sent into my life are all such a great blessing to me. The only thing that was missing this birthday is my mum and my three best friends. :( I miss you all.

Its like a day of self evaluation, and everything around me. I know things have changed drastically than what it used to be, and maybe I've changed along with it. I used to be in high school and wonder how its like being 19. Now that I know how its like being 19, its like a huge difference from before, but also exactly the same. Maybe I've grown old, maybe I've grown up. Maybe I'm actually just really young. Everything is a lot different from when I was 'young'. Is it weird to say that I miss myself? Hmmm. But... I just lost my train of thought. Nevermind.

Big THANK YOU to my boyf and sister, and Zhan Wei and Brandon and Shi Ann, and Vincent.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

All the hearts in the world for all of you. (: 
♥

I am a happy girl.
Thank you, God. I love You.

Those who come and go.

 CIMP Prom, Monte Carlo @ Empire Hotel

4th May 2012.

The tickets were really nice for the price we paid. Long and laminated.

My 'dates' for the night, Brandon and Zhan Wei. They're some of the best people I've met in CIMP, and we're so.. distant, but still friends. I think I owe them a lot when it comes to surviving the 2nd semester. Its really weird that the two people I'm closest to in college don't share any classes with me. Oddly enough, I know I can count on them, even if I don't. They're so precious to me, I don't think they know. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Now, these are people that come and go. KY, LP and Sam. Don't ask me why they're named like that. Canadian teachers can't pronounce Chinese names, you see. Haha. KY, I've only met that night. LP, met since day one of my first semester, one of my first friends. I think i'm really mean to him but there's just some people in life that can't be connected to. Sam, my best classmate in ENG4U. I think I'll miss him. 

Mr.D, one of the best lecturers yet. (: And some of my econs classmates. He was a lil tipsy by then and was talking REALLY LOUDLY and pink in the face and almost leaning on me while taking the picture. Lol. Ms. Nancy wasn't there I think. =\

It seems I had my own little after party. I feel SO BAD for abandoning Brandon and Zhan Wei but uhmm.. lets just say, these people are closer to my heart. CIMP is.. not. I had a good day. I feel blessed. <3

Now its like I have a war to prepare for. Nearing the end of the last semester, with many final projects to finish and research papers to write. Ahhhh. Breathe in, breathe out. It'll all be over soon.

All praises to God.