It does something to you. It changes you.
It makes you a bit harder and more cynical.

Dear reader, I felt it might be the time to say that,

time didn't do as much as I would have liked it to,

and that I am not better.

What's next?

It's a bittersweet feeling.
Wishing to belong, longing to stay, hoping to be home where it's familiar and warm. 

It's like, this part of my adventure is done now, it's time to go back, onto another adventure? I have no idea what's ahead, but just like I didn't know how it would be for me suddenly going to Seoul for a month, I have no idea what's back home for me either. 

This feeling has been haunting me since the first day of the year now. Just knowing that this year, many things are going to happen. Is this God speaking to me? To take the chances, to do things and not run and hide? To embrace the change and accept what comes? To learn to let go? I can't seem to wrap my head around it but it's just going round and round in my mind everyday. 

Goodbyes are never easy, no matter how many times you do it. 

"You’re wrong – it shatters all the same." 

It's been good, thank you Seoul. 

Goodbye, for now. 

It's only the first month of the year, 

I feel like I've already given up on love. 

"Not everything you lose is a loss."

I think the lesson learnt here is to really, be open, get to know people, connect, communicate, learn, love and don't get attached. Always, always remember that goodbye is around the corner. It's lurking all around us, and it's inevitable. 

To live life and appreciate everything, everyone, every moment and be okay with the fact that that moment will not come back. 

Basically, don't hold onto things. 

"You go into this house, and then everything turns white, what do you feel?"

"Peaceful." 

"Wow, you are ready to die." 

23.1.2016 • 24.1.2016

That's a valuable lesson right there. I used to be so afraid, I wouldn't say I'm not anymore, but I think I'm dealing with it better now. Maybe it's not so accurate for me to say that I've lost a lot of things/people before, but I have. And it used to hit me so hard, I held onto everything so tightly. Given though, I loved those things/people so, so much. I am so afraid of letting go, thinking I'll never have that anymore is like the worst thing to ever happen to me. 

Maybe I'm a hoarder. Maybe I'm a keeper, I like to keep things. But when it becomes irrelevant, you gotta throw it away. Clear up the space, new things will come along. New things to keep instead. 

I got a ring, made out of a soju cover, fitted perfectly. 

I've learnt that I can love them now, but if I can't love them anymore, that's okay. Because I loved them at that moment in time. Love is like, flowing. It's not like a pool of water, unmoving and permanent. 

Even though I'm slowly learning that lesson, writing these words already make my heart ache. It still hurts to let go, still hurts to lose something; but you still have to accept it. 

"Now imagine the sky, what does it look like?"

"My sky is bright, it's blue with some clouds here and there."

"That's how your life is right now." 

I haven't laughed so much in so long, I haven't felt this kind of freedom and joy. It's basically like nothing could stop me from having a good time, laughing out loud, saying what's on my mind, not having to fit my words into how society needs me to be. I wasn't afraid to look into anyone's eyes, I wasn't afraid of the consequences, I wasn't afraid anyone was going to judge me, I didn't care what anyone thought of me. I felt so.. free. 

I was happy. 

And I really want to feel like that more, it's been the longest time since I've felt genuinely happy. 

Thanks for the memories, you guys were amazing. 

OMAR

I will always remember smelling like a mixture of your cologne and smoke, every time we part. And always with new insights of life, because its always great living life with you in it.

Always remember those late night talks and most amusing storytelling sessions, best parties, good dancing, Wednesday dates.

The first ever picture we took together : 2012

Those selfies. Sharing secrets. Its amazing how well you know me, in this brief few years, you always know what I'm going to do and how I'm going to react and how do I think. Sometimes you know me so well it surprises me. Thank you for all those advices and for always listening to me and my lame problems. Thank you for sharing with me parts of your life. 

You know, and I know, that we will always be each other's best friend :* no matter what happens, I'll always have your back. I will always cherish these years we had and all the memories we made. We've seen each other grow and change and you've always accepted me for who I am. And I am very proud of who you are now. 

"Don't forget your best Chinese friend in Malaysia."
"Take care of yourself, don't be stupid and don't get hurt."

The (possibly) last picture we take together : 2016

I love you, and I miss you very much.
Thank you for everything one more time, Omar the Everything.  

Wounded 2.0

These kind of physical constant pain always puts me in deep thoughts about all previous pains. Reading back, I was mulling about the pain in my teeth and how I was so close to giving up (which I was serious about) and still seeing how I've survived it, partially at least, and now here I am with a new pain. 

But first, hi from Seoul! My first post since leaving the country. I say it like its a big deal but it's basically a long holiday in a different and much colder city. I love being here, it has it's pros and cons. 

Back to the initial topic, new pain. Sigh. What happened is that I was heading up the really small straircase here in the hostel that I'm staying in and I kinda tripped and busted my big toe and.. The whole nail came off. I say it like its nothing now, but I was literally shaking in fear and maybe pain. Except the pain came much later because the cold took over most of the pain sensors. 

To include into my Korea experience is that my manager piggy backed me across the street, while it was snowing, to the small hospital. It would have been so romantic and such a movie worthy moment had it been someone else, heh. Nevertheless, I am very grateful for his back and for carrying me there. 

Now I'm here halfway through my workcation and I can barely walk anymore. Ugh, I didn't really want an experience like this, being here. 😔 

Coming back from the hospital, the pain was really really unbearable and there's this 7 Korean guys in the same dorm as me and they are packing their bags while I sit there trying to sob as quietly as I could. I always find it liberating to cry. 

But one cry session would bring my mind to every possible thing out there (or in my head) that would make me cry. And then, I literally won't stop. 

It's 2016, and everything has really been rather good until this happened. It's really put a dampener to my whole perspective of the new year now. I know, this too shall pass. My nail will grow back and it would all be fine and dandy again, except something else would probably happen. 

Seoul has been pretty good so far, we've made some temporary friends, multilingual conversations, we can learn so much from each other. 

There is still kindness left in the world. Thank you, guys, for the brief friendship. 

The injury gave me too much free time, cause I can't work anymore :/ and I do feel guilty for the giant work pile on my sister and the other girl. Trust me, I'd rather be working my ass off with them than to be in this pain. And with all the free time, is a lot of time to tweet and read and think and watch. 

I've slowly reverted back to thinking about last year and how this year will be different, but bad in some ways, good in some. I think it's going to have to happen, as much as I don't want it to. In Omar's words, "this is just life". I'm so afraid to graduate, to have to put myself out there again and grow up and the possibility of having to let some friendships grow cold. This year, there's going to be a lot of change. I think the transitions will take a toll on me, I don't do well with loss. Let's see how everything pans out :/ fingers crossed. 

Yep, all this free time is really bad. All this pain in my foot, is really bad too. 

My snowflakes :) 

I want to be bold this year, just do what I want to do in that moment, learn to say things that I want to say, say things I want to be heard. 

Will it be a mistake to open up again? 

E X I T

There's no place in my life for you. 
In 2016, I am going to say “I loved you”.

Not me.

"爱上你的时候 还不懂感情."
"I didn't understand love when I fell in love with you."

I think I understand now how it might be for someone to live with a disability. To wake up everyday, praying, wishing that your circumstances would be different. In my case now, to wake up everyday just not feeling pain, and how inevitable it is. And when you wake up you feel a pang in your heart because there it is again, there's that pain, just another day with it. Ugh, my pain tolerance is really low. The number of times that the thought of giving up goes through my head is uncountable.

***********

Quick update on my December so far, although technically there's only 3 more days of December left. 

 

My first year (and possibly last) working at Big Bad Wolf (bbw). It was an eye opening experience, the whole thing, the good, the bad, the strange.

And of course, perhaps it was inevitable for me to make more Chinese speaking friends with my very bad Chinese speaking skills, haha. I actually find that I have nothing much to say about the whole thing, other than the fact that I was rather glad it was over. On the last day, I felt really slight tinge of nostalgia, that maybe I would miss this place, these people, the experience, but really.. it was just that way. The time has come to an end and its all over now. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't sad something was coming to an end. I was ready to move on, haha. 

Despite that, I am very grateful for the experience, and very appreciative of all the kindness that was shown my way. Surprisingly, there was actually some laughter involved. And for that, I am even more grateful. 

*********

After that whole ordeal, it was CHRISTMAS! 

This has been a strange December for me, I used to look forward to Christmas very much, but this year, it was like.. mehhh. I wasn't feeling much of the spirit until the day actually came. Well, it wasn't too late to fall in love with Christmas again. This Christmas was much different from the previous one, Facebook has a way of reminding us about the past and what's no longer in our lives.

Still grateful for all the time spent with uhh.. new friends, my sisters and my family. 

It is very convenient for my hair to act up on that specific day, wasn't it? :( 

I think the most depressing part of December is how little good food I ate. Blegh, I want this all to pass and let the pain stop please. 

*********

Now I'll go, I won't think about the things 

I'm leaving behind. I won't think about what 

I'll be missing and if I'll miss anything when 

I come back, it'll all be gone. 

Maybe there will be that small, strange 

feeling of emptiness, but maybe 

I'll have more to fill it back up. 

I'll be on my own. 

 

w o u n d e d

"I have to understand that, to him, I’m just forgettable."

My 5th semester has just ended. But that wasn't the only thing that ended. There's a certain finality to this phase. This might actually be it.This is actually The End. Admittedly, it isn't a chapter I want to close. Keeping it open is drowning me in pain, but there's also pain in letting go. I just can't figure which is worse, or which is more doable. Evidently, I'm not doing either very well. 

Its almost the end of the year now, I really can't remember much of it other than flitting between being almost, pretentiously okay and very not okay every other day. Its not the end of the year yet, not the time for the annual review yet. Thinking about it, I might not even be able to do one this time. 

I gotta remember how it feels like to laugh, I gotta remember how it feels like to feel free again. 

And you did. 

How do I kill this thing living inside of me? I guess someday someone will have to love me and all the sadness in me while I continue the battle to rid them. And if that day never comes, I'll still be fighting this battle on my own.

Surrendering is an option, too.
I have so little will left to continue living.

Hello, it's me,
I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet,
To go over, everything,
They say time's supposed to heal ya,
But I ain't done much healing.
 -Adele

Please help me. 

Dreamers.

Was it worth it? Your "Big Return"?

"...wondering what you were doing,
what you were thinking,
and what in the world I would need to do
to get over you."

"Walk away"

"But now I've broken away
Somehow instead she forgave me
She said a woman's got to do what she's got to do
Even if it means she denied herself the truth
Cause when you're in too deep you wake up when it's too late

She finds beauty in the saddest of faces 
For such a clued in, headstrong city girl
Could've had the world but she's fallen in love in the worst way
And if you don't go now then you'll stay
Cause I'll never let you leave, never let you breathe."

-- The Script

Ghosts of the past.

I have some serious trust issues. 

I've had many things that's been clouding my mind, but I've lost the ability to pen down my thoughts. Okay, to start with that statement, I mean, I knew this about myself a long time ago. I don't know the exact moment it happened, or which major life event created these serious trust issues in me, but they have always been there.

I think back to clearly when it happened, I quietened down so much, I don't speak of myself unless I absolutely have to, or if only I'm sharing a very shallow part of myself. Like.. I'd call it privacy sometimes, but the thin line between privacy and having trust issues is thin indeed. I don't know if I just don't want people to know things about me..... why? I'm afraid people might know too much about me, use those things against me, blackmail me (haha, I don't do that many things worth blackmailing for) or just like.. I'm just a very private person?  

These days I choose to open up to people whom I deem to trust, and slowly find down the road that maybe it is indeed a smarter option to not say anything at all, even to the people that I hold dearest to me. So now, what does that mean? I'm choosing the wrong people to tell? If I didn't believe in my own judgement of people's character, then I believed in the bond that I had with these people, the friendship/relationship the we shared over years of building and shaping. But am I wrong now, or are we just all grown up and the world just got uglier?

My best friend and I have some trust issues, and the funny thing is, we both remember the exact moment it happened. There was one time he told me that class was cancelled and I went to check online and it wasn't posted online and I told him "you're lying, I don't believe you" and he's so offended by it that today he doesn't even tell me the truth anymore -.- and the more he doesn't, the more I don't trust him, and this is a relentless cycle of trust issues. But today as we reminisced about it, he said "you're the one with the trust issues, something so simple also think I lie to you, now I don't care ady". And from there birthed this post, and my very real realization of my trust issues.

Is this something I should fix? Is it fixable? There's very little faith left.

I find that I really cannot tolerate laziness. 

Sloth. Sloth is a sin right? Okay, that's taking it a bit too far. But even being lazy... I really just can't, it makes me want to pull at my hair and throw things against the wall and bang my fist on the table. Like.. is it so hard to put some effort, show some sincerity, speak kindly and mindfully and just put some effort into it.

This is coming from like.. doing group assignments, taking care of yourself, being hygienic, or like.. in relationships? I might be speaking from a biased side here, but I think that students nowadays are just plain lazy, everything is done is the easiest fastest manner, getting senior's work and just copying off it. Now, I am no saint, I do last minute work, but the last last last super last minute kind, I just really cannot tolerate that.

In relationships, I'm so sorry to say (like I mentioned earlier, this is my biased opinion) but some guys are just really lazy. And I want to say that even lazy girls don't always like lazy guys and since lazy guys may not like lazy girls too, so why be lazy?? Now I'm speaking in the context of maintaining the relationship. You cannot just stop putting in effort, the whole "I already got her" or "She's already mine" mindset needs to be set on fire and burnt to the highest degree. If for a second you think you can be complacent and indifferent, yet think that she will never stop loving you or that she would never leave you, you're wrong. And if you ever start to entertain the thought of "Nah, she'll never leave me" then you might just be the most unappreciative asshole out there and I really gotta tell you, you don't deserve the title of a man.

I know I'm saying some really strong words here, but this is a personal blog and these are my personal opinions, so don't get offended if you don't agree. I am really trying to believe that there's some humanity left there but its proving to be quite hard. I find myself disappointed too often. Is this the effects of the 'self-entitled' generation that we are called? :/ Maybe I ask too much, maybe I want too much, maybe I don't deserve much, but I think we should love ourselves a little better than this. Maybe I don't meet that type of people because I'm not that type of person... yet.

In other news, the current political situation leaves me very dumbfounded and I really just cannot comprehend the stupidity of the situation. I do believe that a very important moment in history is happening right in this season and if we make it through, I really hope we come out stronger and smarter. Please, even just smarter.

This is a very weird post, and I should be doing my presentation but I'm just here ranting and writing. As usual.

Nowadays I just want to face-plant at all the noises inside my head like that owl, he was a very cute owl, but I was in a very strange mood doing some strange things. Life has indeed changed unexpectedly, that's all I can say right now. I really want to believe I'm doing the right things most days, I'm really trying to be smarter this time. The familiarity of it all remains, but it comes along with all the bad things too. And the familiarity of those bad things really make me doubt myself.

This isn't rewind, it isn't repeat, it didn't stop and it wasn't a pause. Can this just be a new track?

Collage picture update: 

So, I've been out partying, I've been going to classes, waking up too early and sleeping too late, sent a precious brother off to another country temporarily, going to concerts (Big Bang MADE Tour, MTV World Stage), went swimming, welcomed my baby nephew into the family, ate some good food (restaurants and home made), getting haunted by the ghosts of the past and since its the month of September, some pre-birthday celebrations for my sister and preparing for some horrible end year university stress.

|| Reminder: Remember that horrible feeling or

anger towards yourself and the guilt from the

pathetic mistakes and all the heartless lies you told,

remember that feeling always.

Its what will keep you from repeating history. ||

Third time's the charm.

Grow the hell up, just grow up. 

내 마음이 괜찮을 것 같니? 

난 찔려도 피 흘리지 않니?

NO.

You're bad news.

"Cause you look like the type of girl that tries to make a bad thing work."
"Some people call it optimism."
"I call it crazy."  -- What's your number?

You thought wrong.

Maybe everyone falls in love with a shoulder to lean on, a warm hug and a soft smile sometimes. Maybe some people fall in love with soft mattresses and wide shoulders and a comfortable chest to lie on. Maybe someone falls in love with fleeting smiles, sweet yet empty promises. Maybe someone falls in love with the memories of a good night.

Maybe nobody falls in love at all. 

It's just the idea that we believe in, the idea that maybe happiness is somewhere out there. 

(no title)

Recently, I went to another wake for another funeral, for another person whom I didn't get a chance to love better. He was such a good man, you can see the life in his eyes and the joy in his cheeky words.

 He used to carry me when I was small and even smaller in size and put me on his neck, he used to play with us and joked with us when we were just clueless kids. In his sufferings, he manages to find life and lived it wholeheartedly. Goodbye, Eddie yee kong. One granduncle I will never forget.

All these funeral things always get me thinking. Who's going to be crying when I go? Will I have a family with grandchildren and best friends? Will I still be loved?

If.

; one of the worst words created in the English language, causes anxiety and creates false hope.

Just a little tired of having to keep it together all the time. 

Just today, today I'm allowing myself to let go a little. 

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you;

I will remove from you your heart of stone

and give you a heart of flesh."

Ezekiel 36:26

 

22.

I don't know about you but im feeling 22
Everything will be alright if you keep me next to you
You don't know about me but I bet you want to
Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we're 22

"I don't know about you but I'm feeling 22
Everything will be alright if you keep me next to you
You don't know about me but I'll bet you want to
Everything will be alright
If we just keep dancing like we're 22.."

Warning : Pretty long post ahead

To kick-start the celebration was a Jaggerbomb train. It was so cool, my first one seeing it done in real life with my best friend and some new acquaintances. Twas' a good night or crazy laughter and stupid games. 

This was actually a week before my actual birthday, with my Rapunzel-haired best friend and her slightly giant boyfriend. Together we can make a pyramid of heads in a selfie. Thank you both for a great night with awesome chicken wings and the long drive back, I love you both!

Following that, mummy came down on a Tuesday to celebrate early with me too.

Also celebrated an early Mother's Day for her :) The food was pretty good, but the sizzling cakes are not my thing. I like normal, cold cakes I think. All for the sake of experience, it was a good night, I love the lights on the trees. 

In between that, I also got a mango dessert as a birthday gift with some conversations that I would never forget. As awkward as it was, I am grateful to have known you in my life even if I never see or hear from you again. 

As you can see, obviously my love for lights didn't end there. I had a long, nice walk with all the nicely lighted trees. All the lights make me so happy :D Also, I got a rose, drank some champagne, danced to some good songs and got some hugs. It was only a few hours into my birthday but I was already feeling rather blessed.

On my actual birthday, I crawled out of bed after a few hours of sleep and went to class. And after that, Korean food with cell group and an awesome awesome cake! Big thanks to Roy also, for ordering the cake (after introducing it to me months ago) and all . So happy to finally be able to eat it after harping about it for so long.

The frozen mango and the cheese makes it all so good. I made many wishes by then, lets hope all of them come true :D

And then I received a super cute balloon (in a slightly scary way) from my sister that she bought from Japan. It was so cool! It comes in that little package, and then it says hit the middle of the bag and then shake. I put in on the table and then the thing kinda expands and bursts out of the plastic. It was a little scary because no one knew what to expect but its so adorable! Big thanks to my sister who helped put it altogether and made me that big 22 card 💕💕

If there had to be at least one unglamorous picture of me in this post, it would be this. Then I went to meet Ezzie and with my sister we sang Drops of Jupiter and 22 together. Thanks for coming all the way to spend my birthday with me even though you were having a slightly rough day, I love you very very much sayang 💋

On the next day, after a long night of struggling for that horrible test the next morning where we all survived through, and then the long afternoon in the afternoon with our assignments in the cold library, the celebration continues!

With the people that I spend many many hours with in a day and don't know very well but still love very much, with great big pizzas and another awesome cake. Indeed, I feel very much loved. Despite the serious lack of sleep and stress from the assignments, thanks for taking the effort to celebrate for me. Ahh, I feel super blessed.

Then, this may or may not be the last celebration.

Its amazing how much memories we managed to make together in this short few years. Thank you so much for making it all the way here to just have dinner with me.

And for the really pretty emerald necklace :) Green looks good on me, haha.

Introducing them to the 'selfie app' haha. Thanks Daniel for the ice-cream and the heartwarming speech.

I genuinely feel happy and really loved in the last few days. I know it is my birthday and maybe people are forced to be nice to me on my birthday and love me a little more (haha) but I do feel like I am receiving love from everywhere and I am so, so grateful. In all these celebrations, I feel I really do have a problem expressing myself nowadays. I am indeed very happy and very grateful, I just don't think I'm showing it very much. I'm rather lost for words most of the time and I don't feel that my smile is very nice but I am smiling and I love all of you.  

 I am now really moving forward. They say the first step to letting go is to want to let go. And perhaps,
I finally do. 

Breathe, let go, 

and see where it goes.

Sleepless

"Still, we were never more than semi-affiliated, two people who spoke and loved to speak and kissed and loved to kiss and connected and were scared of connecting."