A lot of times I spend listening to people. Listening to people tell me about their days, listening to them answer my questions, listening to them tell me things I didn't ask, listening to things I'm curious about, listening to things that I don't really care about. Sometimes my mind wanders in the middle of their sentences, forming my own thoughts, listening to my own voice over theirs, sometimes my own conversations, sometimes speaking back to them with words I don't say out loud.

Why have a conversation with them in my head when I can have them in real life? Maybe I didn't want to interrupt them (something I was accused of, and possibly really did back then), maybe I didn't want to impose on their thoughts with my opinions, maybe I didn't want to seem too involved, too concerned, too interested (at times where I really wasn't). 

I have these strange ideas now in my mind. Am I being too nice, or am I feigning interest by listening? I know what it feels like to not be heard, to not have someone to talk to, which is why I listen, I try to listen to the things people say, to catch parts of their hearts, to at least, just listen. After all, I noticed, that's really what most people need. This is sincere and genuine. 

And then. The debate ensues. Am I just trying to be sincerely nice and be a listener, or am I being fake?

There are times, I've counted a few by now, in this season of my life, that people say these words to me, so nonchalantly, like as if I don't have any feelings of my own. Like, they're just saying it because they meant it, but in the moment, they failed to realize that maybe those words could possibly, potentially, hurt my feelings. Like I shouldn't have any form of emotional opinion to that matter. Like I should just be okay with everything that they're saying, because after all, I'm only listening. I think I've had my feelings hurt so many times now, but I don't remember the last time I said anything about it. It just became unnecessary, to mention something so small and so irrelevant and so temporary.

I believe I do this too. Accidentally say something completely disregarding the other person's feelings, only to get mine across. It's so hard to be pleasing everyone all the time. And some days I'd feel like 'screw this, I can't be living my life to make everyone happy' and then some days I'll feel like 'what's wrong with putting in the little effort to try not harm anyone'. Still trying to find that in-between. 

I wish I could be more certain about what I feel. Something's keeping me up at night, I need to figure out what it is. These weird, small anxiety attacks are returning. I need to sleep at more normal hours. 

“I must learn to be content with being happier than I deserve.” ― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Lucky one

"I don’t think you ever fall out of love. If you think you’ve fallen out of love, I don’t think you were ever in love in the first place – you were just caught up in the romance."

Freedom has chanced upon me, and right now, I'm grabbing it. I hope I will be taking a break that don't last longer than it should.  

 It was an honestly bittersweet feeling. I couldn't tell if I was more sad that my days as a student is now over, or if I was so glad that I would never have to go through yet another horrible exam season again. But with that said, I think my heart was tugging more on the friends I knew, I'd rarely see again (as if I already see them a lot). Like I mentioned before, I love being a student, I'm so good at being a student, just to have somewhere to belong, some friends to belong to. I think the sudden loss of it all made me just a tad bit sadder than I usually am. Its the feeling of knowing that today, I will lose my best friend.

As of now, I have not yet feel the urge to return to that place, the orange halls that I used to roam in and that big foyer where I used to walk past swiftly with my head down because it is so scary to have to many people stare at you (although mainly, nobody gives a shit). I would miss those days where we decide if we're too lazy to go to eat in Pyramid or its too hot to eat at Rock, or if we would skip that class or those days I spent checking out girls with all my (guy) friends. 

Next step in life: Sleep like a normal human being.  

So, the moment my freedom began, my sister literally came back for 16 hours and in all those 16 hours, neither of us slept. We took the time to celebrate Father's Day earlier, and then the party begun.

My sister who decided to embrace her China-doll look. Twas' a good night, as it always is with us. Heh. 

 

 It was definitely a pretty eventful night, somewhat disturbing as well (girls please be careful not to get too drunk with someone who doesn't care enough about you in the club). Lol, I'm giving advice like I'm so pro like that. 

Mummy has been here the same weekend my finals ended and I have been on daughter duties and like.. driver duties. Who thought the day would ever come that I become the driver instead? The consequences of growing up :/ 

And while mummy is forever in her shades, we celebrated her birthday! Turning 48 years young. Happy, happy birthday, mummy! I know we're growing up so fast, although it seems you really enjoy us being so old now, I still like being the youngest child of the family. Thank you for everything you have given and sacrificed for us, I love you always. 

"Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong."

Sucker for the wild ones.

"as if i was already not these things
before i met you.
as if i did not remain all these
once you left.”

There it is, the procrastination post. Finals is in a week (I was saying two weeks last week, but now its really down to a week and I'm secretly petrified) and I think I am pretty much screwed if I don't start now. Today my stepmom was telling me how relieved she was when she finally started working because she enjoyed working and making real results instead.

For awhile now, I didn't want to go into the workforce (instead, i'll just join unemployment). But today, like right now, at this current moment, this current moment after I just encountered a snake, it looked me in the eye and I turned around and ran, and I am still alive, I am thinking, maybe I am also quite done with studying. Or am I? Maybe I'll change my mind again right after finals and I'm just as lost as all the other twenty-somethings trying to figure out where to go in life. But right now, I think its not such a bad thing to be done with studying. We all just want to be something.

I have realised that I find it so hard to let go of this phase in life because it really is, the one thing I'm good at (so far). That is being a student. Haha, I do well at sleeping past 3am and missing all my Monday morning classes and partying on a Friday night, doing my assignments a day before and still submitting on time, with a piece that is not as shitty as I imagined, having long group meetings and planning for presentations and projects and doing just pretty well as a student. But I've always doubted if I would still excel if I was no longer a student? Would I?

Fear is natural, I get that part.

Lets just pull through another few weeks, then spend those sleepless nights trying to figure out a path for the future while I spend these sleepless nights "studying". So far, the "holiday" has been good. Let's try to create a new pattern now. The stress pattern, haha. When did I get so lame.

But first, a little recap. 

On the 29th of May, I had some really good salmon, and for the first time ever, wagyu beef. It was so good, but I know it would have been ever better if I was not wearing braces.

Thank you for the birthday treat, for the good company, for the all the laughter and also the good-emo songs.

Also, I withstood the heat of the afternoon and the large crowd of people which gives me anxiety to go visit Omar at this convocation (although technically I was there after) and I am so proud of you! I'll be the next, and possibly last of all of us to graduate. But its alright, now that you're back in Malaysia.

And then, the party was on. Its so good to finally party with Omar again, and some new friends ;) thanks for a great night, guys.

Also, I got a very, very pretty snowflake necklace as a birthday present! My first snowflake, trust that it will be cherished.  

Procrastination over. Please go study, self, please. 

"Crashing, hit a wall
Right now I need a miracle
Hurry up now,
I need a miracle"

Victims of the night

A few days ago, I received an official-er apology for something that I tried hard to bury. I never wanted to be reminded of those days, and honestly speaking, I have no idea how I made it through. I mean, I  remember how I slowly withdrew from the world and lost all my joy. And I remember how I slowly regained my humour, how I was still loved by others, and even more slowly learnt to accept myself again. I barely remember those days in detail anymore, its all a blur of shitty times and I just grouped them all up and shoved them in the far back of my mind. With one "sorry", they suddenly resurfaced.

Now its going to take me awhile to forget that the conversation happened. 

I'm okay now, the apology did nothing for my pain. I didn't need to know, I want nothing more. I couldn't bring myself to say 'its okay', because its not. I couldn't say 'you deserve it', but it doesn't mean I didn't think it, but I don't feel bad for you. I'm not a bad person, I just care for me more than I care for you now.

My only take from that conversation was 'thank you for the apology, you deserve everything that's coming your way, be it good or bad'.

Stone cold.  

Letting go and all the in betweens.

I'm officially 23. 
Its 2016, I've been alive 23 years.

Happy birthday to me. This year it was more like every other day than it was my birthday. I mean, it wasn't like a big celebration, I didn't feel super special or anything. I did things that I would have normally done in a day. Except.. with more cakes involved.

Many thanks to these guys, buying me a rose-shaped ice cream cake, picking it because they know I like pink. Haha, that's more than they need to know about me. And for the purse and for the hilariously written wishes on the box itself.

Then, the my mum who came down also to celebrate with me, hid the cake in the car not so secretively and then Skyped with my sister to celebrate together.

It was a pavlova that she was hiding. I was super super full that day, after eating a large amount of berry berry strawberry ice cream.

Then I spent the next few days just dying because there's so much work to finish and losing way too much sleep, my dark eye circles are like 3 shades darker now. No amount of concealer will hide it.

And of course, celebration with dad's side. First time ever drinking with them :O It was a very interesting night, haha. I managed to finish a pint for myself, and the waiter who was singing for me made me down a whole glass. That was a little hard to handle, but I kept my cool.

Perhaps one of the last of my birthday celebrations, with my sayang. Thank you for always making the effort to come all the way to celebrate my birthdays with me, I love you, and I want to celebrate many many many more birthdays with you :* And Aaron, thank you Abang Aaron for dinner and pancakes! I love you both very much.

p.s. Sorry I choose the exceptionally dark and blur photo of us, I am not ready to show my braced-smile to anyone yet.

I am blessed.

"If you hear people from my past speak of me, 
bear in mind they are speaking of the person they do not know anymore."

love again, love again, love again

"...that is God first, then us."

Never would I imagine hearing those words with my own ears. Never would I imagine anyone saying that to me. 

"Sometimes life gets messy and you know that you can't go anywhere, but you can float away on a boat, and you hang a yellow flag of cholera so that no port accepts you, so that you keep floating. Because that's the only way you get to live. And in that boat, you will see everyone that matters to you."

Am I on your boat?  

"You hate me."

"No, I don't hate you. I nothing you." 

Not a silly little moment, not the storm before the calm.

I used to be comfortable being myself. These days, I'm always just questioning myself. At least, now I know how it happened.

Again, I have some serious kind of trust issues. I doubt every word that's being said, I am skeptical about everyone's sincerity and insincerity. I take every word as it is, which is not much, just words. Plain and empty. All the words said just for the sake of saying it, all the empty promises, all the fake compliments. 

"If I want to hurt you, I must be the one that hurt you the most. Because I care about you the most." 

"I can give you all the joy in the world."

"Don't say nobody cares about you, I care." 

"You sad, you call, you eat, I lai." 

"From that moment on, I never lie to you ady." 

"I'm willing to bring you anywhere."

"I'll always have your back." 

You see, before this, words meant something to me. They made me smile, they made me cry. I took them seriously and maybe I even did what those girls would do, analyze every word and every punctuation. Was it a question mark or full stop? Does ok, okay, k mean different things? Yeah, that was a long time ago.

Now, I basically scoff at words. I think a lot of things that I read are bullshit. Now before I offend anyone, I'm not actually saying that the words are bullshit, I said I feel that they are. I don't think I would ever be able to know for sure whether those words are true or not, and this is no way defines my relationship with these people.

It's just my problem. Somewhere along the way, I lost the ability to believe. The thing is, I always blamed my trust issues on myself. That I was the one who's constantly so highly insecure that I can't even just learn to accept basic human concern. That I was the one who was wrong for not trusting them. That its wrong for me not to trust. That I should, but it was wrong that I didn't. The point is, I am wrong.

It happens when everyday someone tells you that you're being unreasonable for feeling feelings, that you're the reason these problems exist, you caused all this pain for yourself, your insecurity ruined everything you love. It was all you. You did it. To be told that you are unappreciative, ungrateful, impossible to love, unworthy. That someone, who was the closest, the person you trusted the most, the person you loved the most.

You'll find yourself believing those words. 

Long story short, this is the overrated story of a person who stopped trusting people when she got hurt by the one she trusted most. Basically, I am the horrible person, I brought this all on myself. Yeah, I think that's the gist of it. 

While I continue to battle my own demons, I question all the time. 

Is it really my fault that I don't trust you? You gave me reason not to. Sometimes I may have raised the bar too high, but disappointment is real. I believed in you, I believed you would always come true for me and you didn't. 

Is it my fault that I don't trust you? I barely know you and I know your intentions were never kind. 

Is it my fault that I don't trust you? Your words are too strong, too soon, too shady. 

Is it my fault that I don't trust you? You bailed on me over and over again.

The answer, is NO. 

Am I judging them? Because I'm definitely judging myself. What's it going to take to get out of this dark, dark tunnel? 

I need to learn to have some chill. Yup. And maybe more sleep. Definitely needing that these days. 4am is not normal. It's been 7 days. Hello insomnia, welcome back my friend. 

Approximately 6 years later;

I'm very nice, but you're not nice enough for me now.

How many times must I do this? The bar is so, so low. How???

The mid sem break has been, well. A break. But in these few days, many things have happened.
And I have suffered from a lot of pain.  

So, finally, like 6 years later, I finally got my braces on, 13th April 2016. It may seem that I may have had enough time to brace myself (pun intended) for this, but I can assure you, no amount of mental preparation can prepare you for the pain. The worse part is that its not even temporary pain. Its like a permanent-temporary pain. Two years is a damn long time for it to be temporary, no? Now I am on some kind of liquid diet, I can only swallow and I am so sick of porridge. On the list of things I can eat now is: tau fu fa, soup, porridge, yogurt, mashed potatoes and half boiled eggs. I also cannot close my mouth now, if I wanted to, I have to manually pull my lips close, but doing that hurts too. This marks the end of my selfies era :( All pictures will eventually not have my face in it, haha. This will all be worth it, right?

Before the braces, I touched up on the eyebrow tattoo once again, that hurt a lot too. But in other news, I have red hair now. 

My towel has been stained red (from my hair) for almost a week now, it seems like the colour will keep fading. I think perhaps my shampoo is too strong? I'll definitely get some of those for dyed hair next. Its basically a kind of bronze-brown colour now. 

What else happened? Yes, my sister has officially moved to live in Singapore. It is obviously the start of a new journey for her, but it is also partly mine. We've never been apart, permanently, before. Oddly enough, when she went to Busan for a year, I cried. Despite knowing that there's a date for her return. But this time around, its literally permanent, and I think this has a much bigger effect on me, so much so I think that vague feeling of lost, is now.. numbing. Now I have no one who'll take me to the doctor when I'm sick and unable to move, no one to drive me around, no one to share food with, no one to eat ice cream with, no one to nag, no one to be annoyed at for leaving the wet towel on the bed. I could go on and on, but let's not. 

Now I have to really be independent. On my own. Now I have become that girl who came from a small town, into a big city, on her own. Before, it was the sisters who came to KL to study. Haha. I don't like eating alone :/ 

I still wish her the best. 

Now its back to being a student. Lets make it through the last half of the last semester of my degree. Yes, lets. I'm definitely going to miss this. I really hope that I'm just as good an employee as I am a student, fingers crossed x:

"Anyone who has seen her, please contact the
Police Department of the Lost Souls."

8 hours.

But I'm not crazy, 

I'm just a little unwell

I know right now 

you can't tell 
But stay awhile and 
maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, 
I'm just a little impaired
I know right now 
you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be... 

Me. 

Abuse

She just wanted to sit close to you, to feel your presence next to her, to feel the warmth of your body.

“Go away, it’s hot.”

She just wanted you to notice her presence, to lay close to her so that she may feel your breathe on her skin and she listens to you sleep.

“Ugh, why’d you wake me up?”

She just wanted to see a sincere smile, an expression of affection, a sign of appreciation for the love she gives that you fail to see.

A scowl. A frown. Complete ignorance.

She just wanted you to make the effort to see her, to want to be around her, to yearn to spend time together.

“I’m lazy.”

She just wanted you to witness her pain, accept responsibility for causing it, admit the pain that you are giving her, and apologise.

“You deserved everything that happened to you. You asked for it.” 

She just wanted you to see her as a beautiful person, someone worth loving and caring for, and see the sacrifices she has made for you, the choices she had chosen for your benefit, the part where she lost herself in loving you.

“I didn’t ask for those things.”

She just wanted you to love her.

“I don’t love you anymore.”

 

Whining.

“What scares me is that I’m going to spend the rest of my life chasing the high he gave me”.

These days have been rather hard, rather quiet, rather empty, rather.. sad. Everyday I spend convincing myself that its all going to be fine, but I am spiraling downwards again. Afraid to reach out, afraid to show any genuine feelings, afraid to admit the truth, afraid to speak, afraid to ask, afraid to know, afraid of all the things I cannot control. I think I put myself on that list, funnily so.

I always blog when I am procrastinating on this very important assignment I have to do. And the time is now. Ugh, I take so much effort to make sure that work gets done but here I am, the last person, struggling to just get it at least halfway done. My brain is a blank space now. Like, I know I have to Google these information, but I literally cannot come up with the words to Google, and I also can't remember how I used to do it. Ugh, what kind of phase is this?

I am dying on my own, no one to show, no one to tell. The struggle is real. This proves one thing though, my predictions of the year was true. Its only March now, but I can say, this year has been a shitty year (so far) and the lessons I am learning everyday is only telling me that the world is an ugly place and I really don't want to be a part of it.

Ugh, its happening again. Yup, there it is again. Am I ever going to get out of it?

Everyday I remind myself that no one likes a sad person, but there really isn't anything to be happy about. Before you call me ungrateful, I would like to point out that I know how to appreciate the things and people around me, even if I can't find a way to express it. But it doesn't mean I am happy. This 23rd year of my life is very hard to live through. You'd imagine how people are afraid that time passes so quickly and they don't have 'enough' time to accomplish their dreams and spend it doing things that make them happy with people they love. I'm just here literally wanting the time to pass because.. the end will come faster. Then I would be relieved of my duty in this world, whatever that may be.

I'm tired. Overwhelming exhausted and extremely sad.

Its even more disappointing seeing I had such high hopes for the new year, but nope. I didn't change, things are changing, but not in my favor, and everything pretty much still sucks. To say that I set the barrier too high on the first few days of the year, maybe. I really don't want much, I just want to stop being sad. How long will it take for me to admit that this is not a phase? 

These few days, I've lost my voice, almost completely. You probably only hear 10% of my voice if i do speak. Its been a very humbling experience, not being able to speak. Its like God's teaching me another lesson,  to... speak less. But I already speak so little? I think its more like I speak a lot, but tell so little.

Look, I'm smiling.

"Eighty percent of life's satisfaction comes from meaningful relationships." - Brian Tracy

지금은 아무도 없다. 

아니라고

 In lieu of Valentine's Day which had passed uneventfully, celebrating my singledom, I've eaten more chocolate and had many long conversations. Its good to connect with people, unintentionally and accidentally shedding some tears along the way, sleeping when the sun rises (again) and thinking about the uncertain future. You've crossed my mind more than you should have, I'm trying not to get too used to it.

Now, I don't exactly believe in horoscopes, but as the new year came around, I couldn't help but show some interest in the terrifying true horoscope readings. There is so much truth in that one paragraph that it becomes extremely hilarious and also horrifying. 

Her patience is incredible? I have a few people who can attest to that, hahaha. Stability and security, yes. Devoted? Mmhmm.

"She has a lot to give but she requires a lot in return."

This sentence, is the whole truth.

This Valentine's Day wasn't exactly as depressing as I thought I would be feeling, I was feeling more jaded that ever before. It just served as a reminder that there wasn't anyone really that I wanted to be with, weighing my choices out, I didn't choose any sadly. There's a small part of me that's probably pouting, with slumped shoulders sitting at the back of my mind whining about it, but for the most part its mostly just like a numbed kind of heartache where it reminds me how sad I am but not really sad. Does that make any sense? 

Then there are parts of me that's feeling at loss because well.. I always want what I can't have. In a completely different continent, I wish you are happy. 

I saw that tower again, saw the glass windows and all the has beens. Reminded once again how much I loved you and how hurt I was, and not how happy I was on that day in that place, but how sad I was. 

This year, my theme is "be bold, and always honest". I think its more of being honest to myself. There's no point sugar coating the truths anymore. I want to be bold enough to say what I want to say. I don't know who reads this and who doesn't, and maybe I shouldn't care at all.

...I hope.

"Sad mad"

"Make a wish; remove yourself from the equation."

In due time, maybe it'd be the time to tell.
Maybe it'll be the time to keep these lips sealed and these thoughts buried forever.

I'm here.
I'm here, too.

3.46am

It does something to you. It changes you.
It makes you a bit harder and more cynical.

Dear reader, I felt it might be the time to say that,

time didn't do as much as I would have liked it to,

and that I am not better.

What's next?

It's a bittersweet feeling.
Wishing to belong, longing to stay, hoping to be home where it's familiar and warm. 

It's like, this part of my adventure is done now, it's time to go back, onto another adventure? I have no idea what's ahead, but just like I didn't know how it would be for me suddenly going to Seoul for a month, I have no idea what's back home for me either. 

This feeling has been haunting me since the first day of the year now. Just knowing that this year, many things are going to happen. Is this God speaking to me? To take the chances, to do things and not run and hide? To embrace the change and accept what comes? To learn to let go? I can't seem to wrap my head around it but it's just going round and round in my mind everyday. 

Goodbyes are never easy, no matter how many times you do it. 

"You’re wrong – it shatters all the same." 

It's been good, thank you Seoul. 

Goodbye, for now. 

It's only the first month of the year, 

I feel like I've already given up on love. 

"Not everything you lose is a loss."

I think the lesson learnt here is to really, be open, get to know people, connect, communicate, learn, love and don't get attached. Always, always remember that goodbye is around the corner. It's lurking all around us, and it's inevitable. 

To live life and appreciate everything, everyone, every moment and be okay with the fact that that moment will not come back. 

Basically, don't hold onto things. 

"You go into this house, and then everything turns white, what do you feel?"

"Peaceful." 

"Wow, you are ready to die." 

23.1.2016 • 24.1.2016

That's a valuable lesson right there. I used to be so afraid, I wouldn't say I'm not anymore, but I think I'm dealing with it better now. Maybe it's not so accurate for me to say that I've lost a lot of things/people before, but I have. And it used to hit me so hard, I held onto everything so tightly. Given though, I loved those things/people so, so much. I am so afraid of letting go, thinking I'll never have that anymore is like the worst thing to ever happen to me. 

Maybe I'm a hoarder. Maybe I'm a keeper, I like to keep things. But when it becomes irrelevant, you gotta throw it away. Clear up the space, new things will come along. New things to keep instead. 

I got a ring, made out of a soju cover, fitted perfectly. 

I've learnt that I can love them now, but if I can't love them anymore, that's okay. Because I loved them at that moment in time. Love is like, flowing. It's not like a pool of water, unmoving and permanent. 

Even though I'm slowly learning that lesson, writing these words already make my heart ache. It still hurts to let go, still hurts to lose something; but you still have to accept it. 

"Now imagine the sky, what does it look like?"

"My sky is bright, it's blue with some clouds here and there."

"That's how your life is right now." 

I haven't laughed so much in so long, I haven't felt this kind of freedom and joy. It's basically like nothing could stop me from having a good time, laughing out loud, saying what's on my mind, not having to fit my words into how society needs me to be. I wasn't afraid to look into anyone's eyes, I wasn't afraid of the consequences, I wasn't afraid anyone was going to judge me, I didn't care what anyone thought of me. I felt so.. free. 

I was happy. 

And I really want to feel like that more, it's been the longest time since I've felt genuinely happy. 

Thanks for the memories, you guys were amazing. 

OMAR

I will always remember smelling like a mixture of your cologne and smoke, every time we part. And always with new insights of life, because its always great living life with you in it.

Always remember those late night talks and most amusing storytelling sessions, best parties, good dancing, Wednesday dates.

The first ever picture we took together : 2012

Those selfies. Sharing secrets. Its amazing how well you know me, in this brief few years, you always know what I'm going to do and how I'm going to react and how do I think. Sometimes you know me so well it surprises me. Thank you for all those advices and for always listening to me and my lame problems. Thank you for sharing with me parts of your life. 

You know, and I know, that we will always be each other's best friend :* no matter what happens, I'll always have your back. I will always cherish these years we had and all the memories we made. We've seen each other grow and change and you've always accepted me for who I am. And I am very proud of who you are now. 

"Don't forget your best Chinese friend in Malaysia."
"Take care of yourself, don't be stupid and don't get hurt."

The (possibly) last picture we take together : 2016

I love you, and I miss you very much.
Thank you for everything one more time, Omar the Everything.  

Wounded 2.0

These kind of physical constant pain always puts me in deep thoughts about all previous pains. Reading back, I was mulling about the pain in my teeth and how I was so close to giving up (which I was serious about) and still seeing how I've survived it, partially at least, and now here I am with a new pain. 

But first, hi from Seoul! My first post since leaving the country. I say it like its a big deal but it's basically a long holiday in a different and much colder city. I love being here, it has it's pros and cons. 

Back to the initial topic, new pain. Sigh. What happened is that I was heading up the really small straircase here in the hostel that I'm staying in and I kinda tripped and busted my big toe and.. The whole nail came off. I say it like its nothing now, but I was literally shaking in fear and maybe pain. Except the pain came much later because the cold took over most of the pain sensors. 

To include into my Korea experience is that my manager piggy backed me across the street, while it was snowing, to the small hospital. It would have been so romantic and such a movie worthy moment had it been someone else, heh. Nevertheless, I am very grateful for his back and for carrying me there. 

Now I'm here halfway through my workcation and I can barely walk anymore. Ugh, I didn't really want an experience like this, being here. 😔 

Coming back from the hospital, the pain was really really unbearable and there's this 7 Korean guys in the same dorm as me and they are packing their bags while I sit there trying to sob as quietly as I could. I always find it liberating to cry. 

But one cry session would bring my mind to every possible thing out there (or in my head) that would make me cry. And then, I literally won't stop. 

It's 2016, and everything has really been rather good until this happened. It's really put a dampener to my whole perspective of the new year now. I know, this too shall pass. My nail will grow back and it would all be fine and dandy again, except something else would probably happen. 

Seoul has been pretty good so far, we've made some temporary friends, multilingual conversations, we can learn so much from each other. 

There is still kindness left in the world. Thank you, guys, for the brief friendship. 

The injury gave me too much free time, cause I can't work anymore :/ and I do feel guilty for the giant work pile on my sister and the other girl. Trust me, I'd rather be working my ass off with them than to be in this pain. And with all the free time, is a lot of time to tweet and read and think and watch. 

I've slowly reverted back to thinking about last year and how this year will be different, but bad in some ways, good in some. I think it's going to have to happen, as much as I don't want it to. In Omar's words, "this is just life". I'm so afraid to graduate, to have to put myself out there again and grow up and the possibility of having to let some friendships grow cold. This year, there's going to be a lot of change. I think the transitions will take a toll on me, I don't do well with loss. Let's see how everything pans out :/ fingers crossed. 

Yep, all this free time is really bad. All this pain in my foot, is really bad too. 

My snowflakes :) 

I want to be bold this year, just do what I want to do in that moment, learn to say things that I want to say, say things I want to be heard. 

Will it be a mistake to open up again? 

E X I T

There's no place in my life for you. 
In 2016, I am going to say “I loved you”.

Not me.

"爱上你的时候 还不懂感情."
"I didn't understand love when I fell in love with you."

I think I understand now how it might be for someone to live with a disability. To wake up everyday, praying, wishing that your circumstances would be different. In my case now, to wake up everyday just not feeling pain, and how inevitable it is. And when you wake up you feel a pang in your heart because there it is again, there's that pain, just another day with it. Ugh, my pain tolerance is really low. The number of times that the thought of giving up goes through my head is uncountable.

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Quick update on my December so far, although technically there's only 3 more days of December left. 

 

My first year (and possibly last) working at Big Bad Wolf (bbw). It was an eye opening experience, the whole thing, the good, the bad, the strange.

And of course, perhaps it was inevitable for me to make more Chinese speaking friends with my very bad Chinese speaking skills, haha. I actually find that I have nothing much to say about the whole thing, other than the fact that I was rather glad it was over. On the last day, I felt really slight tinge of nostalgia, that maybe I would miss this place, these people, the experience, but really.. it was just that way. The time has come to an end and its all over now. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't sad something was coming to an end. I was ready to move on, haha. 

Despite that, I am very grateful for the experience, and very appreciative of all the kindness that was shown my way. Surprisingly, there was actually some laughter involved. And for that, I am even more grateful. 

*********

After that whole ordeal, it was CHRISTMAS! 

This has been a strange December for me, I used to look forward to Christmas very much, but this year, it was like.. mehhh. I wasn't feeling much of the spirit until the day actually came. Well, it wasn't too late to fall in love with Christmas again. This Christmas was much different from the previous one, Facebook has a way of reminding us about the past and what's no longer in our lives.

Still grateful for all the time spent with uhh.. new friends, my sisters and my family. 

It is very convenient for my hair to act up on that specific day, wasn't it? :( 

I think the most depressing part of December is how little good food I ate. Blegh, I want this all to pass and let the pain stop please. 

*********

Now I'll go, I won't think about the things 

I'm leaving behind. I won't think about what 

I'll be missing and if I'll miss anything when 

I come back, it'll all be gone. 

Maybe there will be that small, strange 

feeling of emptiness, but maybe 

I'll have more to fill it back up. 

I'll be on my own.