I miss blogging so much, I just can't seem to find the time, the right mind, the right words, the right mood to write. But to echo my post from awhile back..

Hi there, from the real adult world! (Disclaimer: please imagine me saying it rather enthusiastically, but really, I'm not as pumped up as the exclamation mark implies)

This may or may not be a long update, considering I don't know how much concentration (or how many days) it will take for me to write a full update. 

So, before I found a job, I was somewhat enjoying my unemployment, doing what anyone else would be doing. Sleeping late, waking up late, go for random events when the chance reveals itself, such as the D-CODE water slide in the city thing, drink (a little) and eat and repeat. 

And then I went to Light Sensation, it wasn't great, but then again, I really liked the lights, so I enjoyed myself, let my eye feast on the pretty white roses. 

And then I drank watermelon straight out of a watermelon. 

And as expected, I suppose I did party quite a bit. Haha, there were good nights, and then there were better nights. I think I was really just trying to make the best out of the weekends, the lack of responsibility on the next day and the newfound somewhat party kakis.

While doing all that, I went for many many interviews. I think number of interviews I went to was close to 10. With the grace of God, the last 4 interviews that I went to, I got offers from them. From the dilemma of choosing something I actually want to do, fear of losing an opportunity, comparing the distance and the actual job scope, I eventually choose something that I wanted. The journey was long and tumultuous, it was always laced with the anxiety of having to constantly impress strangers and then trying to stay true to myself. Okay, that came out more dramatic than I expected HAHA. Long story short, I found a job la. 

With that said, my freedom days were now numbered. So my mum and I made a visit to Johor, to somewhat visit my sister. That was going to be my last vacation.. for awhile. I still think JB is boring though. But then again, we were pretty limited in the aspects of company and time flexibility (or the lack thereof).

I've missed you, sister.

Then the first day of work happened! It was nerve wrecking and everything was confusing. Honestly, I think I still get lost in the office now. Every corner of the office looks the same, the tables, the walls, the alley, everything is the same! It took me awhile to even recognize the big boss and then everyone else are still pretty much strangers to me. Its a learning process now, learning every abbreviation they use, learning all the processes, learning all the small tasks. So far, I've been like the multi-purpose helper in the team, I help anyone who needs help with anything, and they just teach me how to do it and I just do as they ask. They are all really nice and friendly so far, I am feeling rather blessed but there's been like a never ending effort on my side just trying to... be friendly and participative. Its been a month in and I've been assigned to my own project now :x

fingers crossed!

Then there was a short, but quite long, meetup with the high school friends, whom I have honestly never seen since 17. Its fair to say that we haven't changed all that much. But now we're more adult, less 'emotionally unstable' and more socially capable. We've really come such a long way, from that small town all girls school. I wished it was less awkward, but I guess reality always wins.

In my efforts to try to 'balance' out my life, I still make it a point to spend time with God, and the church people. We have a new CG leader, there are exciting times ahead. I am the youngest in the cell group and now even I have started working, everything is changing.

I literally don't have any pictures of me "working", that's a good sign right? Hahaha. It means I'm too busy working to take pictures (those who follow me on snapchat will know the real truth).

I finally got to celebrate Halloween this year! All the pasts years, its always exam season in Sunway. Everytime I would see them all dressed up and having so much fun and I'm stuck at home "studying". If no one can tell what I am, I am actually some kind of Egyptian.. princess? Haha, sounds wrong. Just Egyptian la. I was lacking the straight black hair and fringe, gladiator flats and the big flappy gold collar I guess. Who cares, I think I looked pretty alright.

My life has never ceased to be drama-ful, and in the summary of events that I have written up there, many many other things have happened. Good, bad, you name it. Its been a journey, I think I have grown so much in just that 5 months, I've expanded my capacity so much more, and I think I know myself better now. As long as just one person recognizes that I'm not all that bad, I have succeeded in improving myself. 

God has been teaching me the same lesson, I don't know why I keep stubbornly believing that things can be different, that people can be different, that maybe the world isn't such a cold, lonely place. Don't get me wrong, I've actually been feeling rather blessed. I've gotten the opportunity to meet, care and eventually love these new people in my life, yet knowing full well that some are more temporary than others. And if I dare to even say this, everyone is temporary. The only difference is the length of time that they'll actually be in your life for. Acceptance is the key. 

I've learnt to accept the pain that will always come with love. I've become increasingly numb, I'm not sure if this resilience is going to do me any good. I'm not sure which direction I'm heading to right now, but at least, I still like myself (for now) and I know I am blessed in many ways. *gasp* I think God answered my prayer. I always prayed that my heart will be filled with overflowing love. 

"Am I alone in this fight?
Is anybody out there?"

Passing time

"Someone you'll love too much to ever let down."

I remember some time ago, I was having An Honest Conversation, I can't even remember who I was having it with, and that person told me that I break my own heart (too) when I break someone else's, cause at the end of the day, when they're all over it and shit, I'm still here feeling hurt about it. The truth always hurts.

It's so weird that everyone feels so justified about the things that everyone else is doing but what they don't realize is that they're doing the same thing too. Maybe I'm one of those people too.

Sometimes it's stupidity, sometimes it's love, sometimes it's faith.
Sometimes those three are all the same thing.
Sometimes it's none of those.

Grace is messy, offensive and it sometimes misses church.
--Source

I can’t sleep. I gather that has a lot to do with the fact that I’ve been waking up at irresponsible hours and sleeping when the sun rises. Something I brewing up inside my mind and its hiding from me, I can’t seem to figure it out or force it out of the corners of my mind.

Yet here I am alone at all these wee hours in the mornings day in and day out and I can’t even really figure out what I’m doing. Or what I did. All the days and nights are blending in together and I’m like a combination of tired and not tired at all because I literally do nothing. I should do something.

Some people can really get lost in this transition and I feel like I’ve been holding on so hard to make sure that I don’t really lose touch, so that I’m not going to be deemed as ‘not being successful’ but the whole I don’t know what I want to do is a real struggle.

Yes, this post is all over the place, because maybe that's really how I am right now. Its been awhile since the last update and I just thought maybe I'd write a post to keep my blog updated about how not far I've gone since then.

I don't think I am particularly unhappy about my current situation, I do admit that it isn't the best place to be right now. Stranded in the middle of the tracks with both platforms too far out of reach. This future that everyone keeps talking about, what exactly is it? This is the deciding point and the stress is building up. Its not that I'm not going anywhere, I've been to some interviews, going to some. But I think the part that really bothers me is really the uncertainty of going down that road (if there was a road to head down to).

I think all I really needed is the assurance that God's plans for me is good. 

Edit: I think I become self destructive when left alone too long. 

Just me and my beach today.

So I'm here today. On a beach. On my own. With my own thoughts, the waves constantly pushing me back as I sit here with my phone in a waterproof case typing, real fine sand all over my bum and all I can think of is 'dammit I left my shades in the room, I wish I had it so i wouldn't be squinting at my phone alone in the sea.'

The view is amazing. 

I'm having a better time than I imagined I would. Anyone who knows me would know that I don't like the sun, but here I am on an island far away typing this post under the blaring sun, sitting in the sea. 

Recently I came to find that I'm getting more readers here. I could find it slightly "unsafe" now to write as honestly as I would. Surprisingly enough, I don't actually care anymore. The circumstances can't affect me much anymore. Earlier this year I said that I wanted to be bold, just say what's on my mind. I don't think I've been doing very well so far, but it's not too late to start. I'm getting there. 

It feels like I've just reached a new level now, nothing's changed but that conversation really lifted some weight off me and confirms that I'm not really as crazy because I didn't make all those up in my head; the memories and all those hours of just having each other. I'm not sure if I regret it, maybe just slightly, knowing now that maybe I could have changed things, but also knowing that maybe this is the best case scenario for us. I'll still miss us, everything we were. But maybe now it's time for a new chapter. 

Back here in Perhentian though, there's something to look forward to. Enough with the past. 

I went snorkeling for the first time! Large bodies of water still terrifies me but I have to admit, the experience was so, so worth it. I saw a shark! 

"From the day I met you, I know that I'll love you the day I die.
In my heart, I'll always be sure.
I'll never forget you.."

Drama

Drama really loves me. My life is just like a special kind of drama. One of its kind. I know, I know, I just have to not overreact and make things all dramatic. I could, but it'll just be less dramatic, but still drama. 

I could, but would I? 

God has weird plans for me, bad timing, tough lessons, plenty of experiences. 

This is a somewhat unnecessary post. 

Today I listened to some girls talk. They were so different from what I know. It was eye-opening and slightly strange. They weren't not smart, they were, but in their words, there was so much... Naiveness. I watched them process their thoughts and attach an emotion to it, it shows on their faces, everything was so easy for them. It was so simple. Something I don't remember being. 

How long has it been now since I was.. Simple? I don't particularly pride in being complicated, I have my ignorant days too, but the truth catches up quickly. If I could rewire my brain, would I choose any differently? 

Will that make me happier? Easier to know, easier to understand? Easier to love? 

Will that make me love easier? 

"It's gonna get easier and easier somehow, 

But not today." 

; in case

"You have to have courage to love somebody. Because you risk everything. Everything."
- Maya Angelou

 Hi there! From the realms of indefinite holidays and unemployment. In lieu of the new season of life, I decided to give myself a hair transformation (in hopes that it may also change my character, my future). It is now short, red and curly. Sounds like Ronald McDonald's hair, but definitely hotter. Hotter than your McD fries.

So, my results came out and I am officially no longer a student, officially graduated, officially unemployed, officially clueless about what to do with my life now. I am glad, I've survived what could be the last of my formal education with good enough grades. Would it be pompous to say that I'm proud of myself? Well, I am. Because despite what everyone sees, there was a lot of hard work, time, effort, sleepless nights and some breaking down to get to where I am today. Which isn't saying much, because I'm still as lost as ever. On a more positive note though, I made it. 

I've reached a point where I'm basically right in between feeling constant stress about not doing anything about my next steps in life, trying to enjoy just the temporary nothingness and extreme panic and fear for possibly for not having any future at all, because I have no idea what to do.

 Now I'm always in a state of confusion, trying to really decide what I want, if I'm willing to make those sacrifices, if it'll be worth it, if I will be happy, if I can really just accept and love, if I am even capable of love anymore.

The question that begs now: Is this enough? 

Debate

A lot of times I spend listening to people. Listening to people tell me about their days, listening to them answer my questions, listening to them tell me things I didn't ask, listening to things I'm curious about, listening to things that I don't really care about. Sometimes my mind wanders in the middle of their sentences, forming my own thoughts, listening to my own voice over theirs, sometimes my own conversations, sometimes speaking back to them with words I don't say out loud.

Why have a conversation with them in my head when I can have them in real life? Maybe I didn't want to interrupt them (something I was accused of, and possibly really did back then), maybe I didn't want to impose on their thoughts with my opinions, maybe I didn't want to seem too involved, too concerned, too interested (at times where I really wasn't). 

I have these strange ideas now in my mind. Am I being too nice, or am I feigning interest by listening? I know what it feels like to not be heard, to not have someone to talk to, which is why I listen, I try to listen to the things people say, to catch parts of their hearts, to at least, just listen. After all, I noticed, that's really what most people need. This is sincere and genuine. 

And then. The debate ensues. Am I just trying to be sincerely nice and be a listener, or am I being fake?

There are times, I've counted a few by now, in this season of my life, that people say these words to me, so nonchalantly, like as if I don't have any feelings of my own. Like, they're just saying it because they meant it, but in the moment, they failed to realize that maybe those words could possibly, potentially, hurt my feelings. Like I shouldn't have any form of emotional opinion to that matter. Like I should just be okay with everything that they're saying, because after all, I'm only listening. I think I've had my feelings hurt so many times now, but I don't remember the last time I said anything about it. It just became unnecessary, to mention something so small and so irrelevant and so temporary.

I believe I do this too. Accidentally say something completely disregarding the other person's feelings, only to get mine across. It's so hard to be pleasing everyone all the time. And some days I'd feel like 'screw this, I can't be living my life to make everyone happy' and then some days I'll feel like 'what's wrong with putting in the little effort to try not harm anyone'. Still trying to find that in-between. 

I wish I could be more certain about what I feel. Something's keeping me up at night, I need to figure out what it is. These weird, small anxiety attacks are returning. I need to sleep at more normal hours. 

“I must learn to be content with being happier than I deserve.” ― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Lucky one

"I don’t think you ever fall out of love. If you think you’ve fallen out of love, I don’t think you were ever in love in the first place – you were just caught up in the romance."

Freedom has chanced upon me, and right now, I'm grabbing it. I hope I will be taking a break that don't last longer than it should.  

 It was an honestly bittersweet feeling. I couldn't tell if I was more sad that my days as a student is now over, or if I was so glad that I would never have to go through yet another horrible exam season again. But with that said, I think my heart was tugging more on the friends I knew, I'd rarely see again (as if I already see them a lot). Like I mentioned before, I love being a student, I'm so good at being a student, just to have somewhere to belong, some friends to belong to. I think the sudden loss of it all made me just a tad bit sadder than I usually am. Its the feeling of knowing that today, I will lose my best friend.

As of now, I have not yet feel the urge to return to that place, the orange halls that I used to roam in and that big foyer where I used to walk past swiftly with my head down because it is so scary to have to many people stare at you (although mainly, nobody gives a shit). I would miss those days where we decide if we're too lazy to go to eat in Pyramid or its too hot to eat at Rock, or if we would skip that class or those days I spent checking out girls with all my (guy) friends. 

Next step in life: Sleep like a normal human being.  

So, the moment my freedom began, my sister literally came back for 16 hours and in all those 16 hours, neither of us slept. We took the time to celebrate Father's Day earlier, and then the party begun.

My sister who decided to embrace her China-doll look. Twas' a good night, as it always is with us. Heh. 

 

 It was definitely a pretty eventful night, somewhat disturbing as well (girls please be careful not to get too drunk with someone who doesn't care enough about you in the club). Lol, I'm giving advice like I'm so pro like that. 

Mummy has been here the same weekend my finals ended and I have been on daughter duties and like.. driver duties. Who thought the day would ever come that I become the driver instead? The consequences of growing up :/ 

And while mummy is forever in her shades, we celebrated her birthday! Turning 48 years young. Happy, happy birthday, mummy! I know we're growing up so fast, although it seems you really enjoy us being so old now, I still like being the youngest child of the family. Thank you for everything you have given and sacrificed for us, I love you always. 

"Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong."

Sucker for the wild ones.

"as if i was already not these things
before i met you.
as if i did not remain all these
once you left.”

There it is, the procrastination post. Finals is in a week (I was saying two weeks last week, but now its really down to a week and I'm secretly petrified) and I think I am pretty much screwed if I don't start now. Today my stepmom was telling me how relieved she was when she finally started working because she enjoyed working and making real results instead.

For awhile now, I didn't want to go into the workforce (instead, i'll just join unemployment). But today, like right now, at this current moment, this current moment after I just encountered a snake, it looked me in the eye and I turned around and ran, and I am still alive, I am thinking, maybe I am also quite done with studying. Or am I? Maybe I'll change my mind again right after finals and I'm just as lost as all the other twenty-somethings trying to figure out where to go in life. But right now, I think its not such a bad thing to be done with studying. We all just want to be something.

I have realised that I find it so hard to let go of this phase in life because it really is, the one thing I'm good at (so far). That is being a student. Haha, I do well at sleeping past 3am and missing all my Monday morning classes and partying on a Friday night, doing my assignments a day before and still submitting on time, with a piece that is not as shitty as I imagined, having long group meetings and planning for presentations and projects and doing just pretty well as a student. But I've always doubted if I would still excel if I was no longer a student? Would I?

Fear is natural, I get that part.

Lets just pull through another few weeks, then spend those sleepless nights trying to figure out a path for the future while I spend these sleepless nights "studying". So far, the "holiday" has been good. Let's try to create a new pattern now. The stress pattern, haha. When did I get so lame.

But first, a little recap. 

On the 29th of May, I had some really good salmon, and for the first time ever, wagyu beef. It was so good, but I know it would have been ever better if I was not wearing braces.

Thank you for the birthday treat, for the good company, for the all the laughter and also the good-emo songs.

Also, I withstood the heat of the afternoon and the large crowd of people which gives me anxiety to go visit Omar at this convocation (although technically I was there after) and I am so proud of you! I'll be the next, and possibly last of all of us to graduate. But its alright, now that you're back in Malaysia.

And then, the party was on. Its so good to finally party with Omar again, and some new friends ;) thanks for a great night, guys.

Also, I got a very, very pretty snowflake necklace as a birthday present! My first snowflake, trust that it will be cherished.  

Procrastination over. Please go study, self, please. 

"Crashing, hit a wall
Right now I need a miracle
Hurry up now,
I need a miracle"

Victims of the night

A few days ago, I received an official-er apology for something that I tried hard to bury. I never wanted to be reminded of those days, and honestly speaking, I have no idea how I made it through. I mean, I  remember how I slowly withdrew from the world and lost all my joy. And I remember how I slowly regained my humour, how I was still loved by others, and even more slowly learnt to accept myself again. I barely remember those days in detail anymore, its all a blur of shitty times and I just grouped them all up and shoved them in the far back of my mind. With one "sorry", they suddenly resurfaced.

Now its going to take me awhile to forget that the conversation happened. 

I'm okay now, the apology did nothing for my pain. I didn't need to know, I want nothing more. I couldn't bring myself to say 'its okay', because its not. I couldn't say 'you deserve it', but it doesn't mean I didn't think it, but I don't feel bad for you. I'm not a bad person, I just care for me more than I care for you now.

My only take from that conversation was 'thank you for the apology, you deserve everything that's coming your way, be it good or bad'.

Stone cold.  

Letting go and all the in betweens.

I'm officially 23. 
Its 2016, I've been alive 23 years.

Happy birthday to me. This year it was more like every other day than it was my birthday. I mean, it wasn't like a big celebration, I didn't feel super special or anything. I did things that I would have normally done in a day. Except.. with more cakes involved.

Many thanks to these guys, buying me a rose-shaped ice cream cake, picking it because they know I like pink. Haha, that's more than they need to know about me. And for the purse and for the hilariously written wishes on the box itself.

Then, the my mum who came down also to celebrate with me, hid the cake in the car not so secretively and then Skyped with my sister to celebrate together.

It was a pavlova that she was hiding. I was super super full that day, after eating a large amount of berry berry strawberry ice cream.

Then I spent the next few days just dying because there's so much work to finish and losing way too much sleep, my dark eye circles are like 3 shades darker now. No amount of concealer will hide it.

And of course, celebration with dad's side. First time ever drinking with them :O It was a very interesting night, haha. I managed to finish a pint for myself, and the waiter who was singing for me made me down a whole glass. That was a little hard to handle, but I kept my cool.

Perhaps one of the last of my birthday celebrations, with my sayang. Thank you for always making the effort to come all the way to celebrate my birthdays with me, I love you, and I want to celebrate many many many more birthdays with you :* And Aaron, thank you Abang Aaron for dinner and pancakes! I love you both very much.

p.s. Sorry I choose the exceptionally dark and blur photo of us, I am not ready to show my braced-smile to anyone yet.

I am blessed.

"If you hear people from my past speak of me, 
bear in mind they are speaking of the person they do not know anymore."

love again, love again, love again

"...that is God first, then us."

Never would I imagine hearing those words with my own ears. Never would I imagine anyone saying that to me. 

"Sometimes life gets messy and you know that you can't go anywhere, but you can float away on a boat, and you hang a yellow flag of cholera so that no port accepts you, so that you keep floating. Because that's the only way you get to live. And in that boat, you will see everyone that matters to you."

Am I on your boat?  

"You hate me."

"No, I don't hate you. I nothing you." 

Not a silly little moment, not the storm before the calm.

I used to be comfortable being myself. These days, I'm always just questioning myself. At least, now I know how it happened.

Again, I have some serious kind of trust issues. I doubt every word that's being said, I am skeptical about everyone's sincerity and insincerity. I take every word as it is, which is not much, just words. Plain and empty. All the words said just for the sake of saying it, all the empty promises, all the fake compliments. 

"If I want to hurt you, I must be the one that hurt you the most. Because I care about you the most." 

"I can give you all the joy in the world."

"Don't say nobody cares about you, I care." 

"You sad, you call, you eat, I lai." 

"From that moment on, I never lie to you ady." 

"I'm willing to bring you anywhere."

"I'll always have your back." 

You see, before this, words meant something to me. They made me smile, they made me cry. I took them seriously and maybe I even did what those girls would do, analyze every word and every punctuation. Was it a question mark or full stop? Does ok, okay, k mean different things? Yeah, that was a long time ago.

Now, I basically scoff at words. I think a lot of things that I read are bullshit. Now before I offend anyone, I'm not actually saying that the words are bullshit, I said I feel that they are. I don't think I would ever be able to know for sure whether those words are true or not, and this is no way defines my relationship with these people.

It's just my problem. Somewhere along the way, I lost the ability to believe. The thing is, I always blamed my trust issues on myself. That I was the one who's constantly so highly insecure that I can't even just learn to accept basic human concern. That I was the one who was wrong for not trusting them. That its wrong for me not to trust. That I should, but it was wrong that I didn't. The point is, I am wrong.

It happens when everyday someone tells you that you're being unreasonable for feeling feelings, that you're the reason these problems exist, you caused all this pain for yourself, your insecurity ruined everything you love. It was all you. You did it. To be told that you are unappreciative, ungrateful, impossible to love, unworthy. That someone, who was the closest, the person you trusted the most, the person you loved the most.

You'll find yourself believing those words. 

Long story short, this is the overrated story of a person who stopped trusting people when she got hurt by the one she trusted most. Basically, I am the horrible person, I brought this all on myself. Yeah, I think that's the gist of it. 

While I continue to battle my own demons, I question all the time. 

Is it really my fault that I don't trust you? You gave me reason not to. Sometimes I may have raised the bar too high, but disappointment is real. I believed in you, I believed you would always come true for me and you didn't. 

Is it my fault that I don't trust you? I barely know you and I know your intentions were never kind. 

Is it my fault that I don't trust you? Your words are too strong, too soon, too shady. 

Is it my fault that I don't trust you? You bailed on me over and over again.

The answer, is NO. 

Am I judging them? Because I'm definitely judging myself. What's it going to take to get out of this dark, dark tunnel? 

I need to learn to have some chill. Yup. And maybe more sleep. Definitely needing that these days. 4am is not normal. It's been 7 days. Hello insomnia, welcome back my friend. 

Approximately 6 years later;

I'm very nice, but you're not nice enough for me now.

How many times must I do this? The bar is so, so low. How???

The mid sem break has been, well. A break. But in these few days, many things have happened.
And I have suffered from a lot of pain.  

So, finally, like 6 years later, I finally got my braces on, 13th April 2016. It may seem that I may have had enough time to brace myself (pun intended) for this, but I can assure you, no amount of mental preparation can prepare you for the pain. The worse part is that its not even temporary pain. Its like a permanent-temporary pain. Two years is a damn long time for it to be temporary, no? Now I am on some kind of liquid diet, I can only swallow and I am so sick of porridge. On the list of things I can eat now is: tau fu fa, soup, porridge, yogurt, mashed potatoes and half boiled eggs. I also cannot close my mouth now, if I wanted to, I have to manually pull my lips close, but doing that hurts too. This marks the end of my selfies era :( All pictures will eventually not have my face in it, haha. This will all be worth it, right?

Before the braces, I touched up on the eyebrow tattoo once again, that hurt a lot too. But in other news, I have red hair now. 

My towel has been stained red (from my hair) for almost a week now, it seems like the colour will keep fading. I think perhaps my shampoo is too strong? I'll definitely get some of those for dyed hair next. Its basically a kind of bronze-brown colour now. 

What else happened? Yes, my sister has officially moved to live in Singapore. It is obviously the start of a new journey for her, but it is also partly mine. We've never been apart, permanently, before. Oddly enough, when she went to Busan for a year, I cried. Despite knowing that there's a date for her return. But this time around, its literally permanent, and I think this has a much bigger effect on me, so much so I think that vague feeling of lost, is now.. numbing. Now I have no one who'll take me to the doctor when I'm sick and unable to move, no one to drive me around, no one to share food with, no one to eat ice cream with, no one to nag, no one to be annoyed at for leaving the wet towel on the bed. I could go on and on, but let's not. 

Now I have to really be independent. On my own. Now I have become that girl who came from a small town, into a big city, on her own. Before, it was the sisters who came to KL to study. Haha. I don't like eating alone :/ 

I still wish her the best. 

Now its back to being a student. Lets make it through the last half of the last semester of my degree. Yes, lets. I'm definitely going to miss this. I really hope that I'm just as good an employee as I am a student, fingers crossed x:

"Anyone who has seen her, please contact the
Police Department of the Lost Souls."

8 hours.

But I'm not crazy, 

I'm just a little unwell

I know right now 

you can't tell 
But stay awhile and 
maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, 
I'm just a little impaired
I know right now 
you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be... 

Me. 

Abuse

She just wanted to sit close to you, to feel your presence next to her, to feel the warmth of your body.

“Go away, it’s hot.”

She just wanted you to notice her presence, to lay close to her so that she may feel your breathe on her skin and she listens to you sleep.

“Ugh, why’d you wake me up?”

She just wanted to see a sincere smile, an expression of affection, a sign of appreciation for the love she gives that you fail to see.

A scowl. A frown. Complete ignorance.

She just wanted you to make the effort to see her, to want to be around her, to yearn to spend time together.

“I’m lazy.”

She just wanted you to witness her pain, accept responsibility for causing it, admit the pain that you are giving her, and apologise.

“You deserved everything that happened to you. You asked for it.” 

She just wanted you to see her as a beautiful person, someone worth loving and caring for, and see the sacrifices she has made for you, the choices she had chosen for your benefit, the part where she lost herself in loving you.

“I didn’t ask for those things.”

She just wanted you to love her.

“I don’t love you anymore.”

 

Whining.

“What scares me is that I’m going to spend the rest of my life chasing the high he gave me”.

These days have been rather hard, rather quiet, rather empty, rather.. sad. Everyday I spend convincing myself that its all going to be fine, but I am spiraling downwards again. Afraid to reach out, afraid to show any genuine feelings, afraid to admit the truth, afraid to speak, afraid to ask, afraid to know, afraid of all the things I cannot control. I think I put myself on that list, funnily so.

I always blog when I am procrastinating on this very important assignment I have to do. And the time is now. Ugh, I take so much effort to make sure that work gets done but here I am, the last person, struggling to just get it at least halfway done. My brain is a blank space now. Like, I know I have to Google these information, but I literally cannot come up with the words to Google, and I also can't remember how I used to do it. Ugh, what kind of phase is this?

I am dying on my own, no one to show, no one to tell. The struggle is real. This proves one thing though, my predictions of the year was true. Its only March now, but I can say, this year has been a shitty year (so far) and the lessons I am learning everyday is only telling me that the world is an ugly place and I really don't want to be a part of it.

Ugh, its happening again. Yup, there it is again. Am I ever going to get out of it?

Everyday I remind myself that no one likes a sad person, but there really isn't anything to be happy about. Before you call me ungrateful, I would like to point out that I know how to appreciate the things and people around me, even if I can't find a way to express it. But it doesn't mean I am happy. This 23rd year of my life is very hard to live through. You'd imagine how people are afraid that time passes so quickly and they don't have 'enough' time to accomplish their dreams and spend it doing things that make them happy with people they love. I'm just here literally wanting the time to pass because.. the end will come faster. Then I would be relieved of my duty in this world, whatever that may be.

I'm tired. Overwhelming exhausted and extremely sad.

Its even more disappointing seeing I had such high hopes for the new year, but nope. I didn't change, things are changing, but not in my favor, and everything pretty much still sucks. To say that I set the barrier too high on the first few days of the year, maybe. I really don't want much, I just want to stop being sad. How long will it take for me to admit that this is not a phase? 

These few days, I've lost my voice, almost completely. You probably only hear 10% of my voice if i do speak. Its been a very humbling experience, not being able to speak. Its like God's teaching me another lesson,  to... speak less. But I already speak so little? I think its more like I speak a lot, but tell so little.

Look, I'm smiling.

"Eighty percent of life's satisfaction comes from meaningful relationships." - Brian Tracy

지금은 아무도 없다. 

아니라고

 In lieu of Valentine's Day which had passed uneventfully, celebrating my singledom, I've eaten more chocolate and had many long conversations. Its good to connect with people, unintentionally and accidentally shedding some tears along the way, sleeping when the sun rises (again) and thinking about the uncertain future. You've crossed my mind more than you should have, I'm trying not to get too used to it.

Now, I don't exactly believe in horoscopes, but as the new year came around, I couldn't help but show some interest in the terrifying true horoscope readings. There is so much truth in that one paragraph that it becomes extremely hilarious and also horrifying. 

Her patience is incredible? I have a few people who can attest to that, hahaha. Stability and security, yes. Devoted? Mmhmm.

"She has a lot to give but she requires a lot in return."

This sentence, is the whole truth.

This Valentine's Day wasn't exactly as depressing as I thought I would be feeling, I was feeling more jaded that ever before. It just served as a reminder that there wasn't anyone really that I wanted to be with, weighing my choices out, I didn't choose any sadly. There's a small part of me that's probably pouting, with slumped shoulders sitting at the back of my mind whining about it, but for the most part its mostly just like a numbed kind of heartache where it reminds me how sad I am but not really sad. Does that make any sense? 

Then there are parts of me that's feeling at loss because well.. I always want what I can't have. In a completely different continent, I wish you are happy. 

I saw that tower again, saw the glass windows and all the has beens. Reminded once again how much I loved you and how hurt I was, and not how happy I was on that day in that place, but how sad I was. 

This year, my theme is "be bold, and always honest". I think its more of being honest to myself. There's no point sugar coating the truths anymore. I want to be bold enough to say what I want to say. I don't know who reads this and who doesn't, and maybe I shouldn't care at all.

...I hope.

"Sad mad"

"Make a wish; remove yourself from the equation."

In due time, maybe it'd be the time to tell.
Maybe it'll be the time to keep these lips sealed and these thoughts buried forever.

I'm here.
I'm here, too.

3.46am

It does something to you. It changes you.
It makes you a bit harder and more cynical.

Dear reader, I felt it might be the time to say that,

time didn't do as much as I would have liked it to,

and that I am not better.