Charles Bukowski writes, “How can you say you love one person when there are ten thousand people in the world that you would love more if you ever met them? But you’ll never meet them. All right, so we do the best we can. Granted. But we must still realize that love is just the result of a chance encounter.”

Possiblilities.

Does my blog have too many pictures?

I titled this picture : A Conversation with Myself.

My first fishtail braid ever! So happy. Heh. 

****

So, its been 5 days post op. No more pills to eat. I am still in a lot of pain, this has been such a strange journey but I do appreciate all the time I'm spending here.

Thank you, God.

"A girl who shines even when she says something poisonous
A girl who doesn’t pretend not to know when she does know
A girl who is attractive without knowing exactly what it is about her
Bad bad bad bad girls"

-Lee Hyori, Bad Girls

Prophecies.

****

I stared up at the sun   

Thought of all the people, places 

and things I've loved  

I stand up just to see 

Of all the faces, 

you are the one next to me

If I lose myself tonight 

It'll be by your side
If I lose myself tonight  

It'll be you and I

****

"I don’t want to feel obligated right now. I don’t want to feel responsible for your feelings, I’m not responsible for your feelings, and believe me, I know that I’m shitty, I know I’m bad, you don’t need to remind me, I know I don’t deserve you. I know you like me, and I’m sorry for being the way I am, but today, could you please just leave me alone, please?"

Oh, the past that still clings on the me like a koala bear. 
Fade away, please. 

 **** 

I keep seeing so many people falling. We are alike in so many ways, yet all apart and alone. Is this a phase that every 20-something goes through? Yet, these are the choices that we make. This part, the understanding that maybe our future is somewhere out there, somewhere where we are far apart and trying to live an adventure all the time, is flawed. The more time goes by, the more I'm convinced. 
Its not true.

Why do we all have to go through the exact same thing but apart? Makes everyone wonder why we made the choices that we first did, being completely fooled that it may bring us somewhere better, somewhere further, somewhere where we can be anything we want, somewhere where nobody knows us, somewhere our dreams can be achieved. 

Taking risks, yes? 

Great. There is nothing else left to say but one thing. One thing everyone just finds really hard to believe. You are not alone in this. 

Ironically, everything that you go through, every little thought in your head, every tear you cry, every hug you want, every shaking hand, every wobbling feet, every cold sweat you break into, every little decision you make, every criticism you make of yourself, every condemnation, every unforgiveness, every stab you give to your cold, little heart, you are alone. 

Your experience is yours alone. It doesn't matter how many people you tell, it doesn't matter how well you tell it, it doesn't matter how many times you tell it. Because nobody will know. And nobody will understand. They will have their own experience, albeit similar, it is not yours. Yours is yours alone. 

Remember it. Think about it. Write about it. Cry about it. Analyze it. Do everything you want about it. Tomorrow still comes. 

****

I am being extremely strange, and not making sense. 
Not making sense at all. 

Quick update.

1. I watched Star Trek and Great Gatsby, they were both awesome although I have to say that Star Trek has become one of my top favorite movies. 
2. I have gone through my second surgery, removing my 2nd wisdom tooth, went through what I would call a Terrible Anxiety Attack, and wishes never to have to go through something like that again.  
Nobody will know. 
3. I probably had one Friday night that I can consider my best and worst day of May. 
Ex-bestfriend, ex-boyfriend, new acquaintances.
4. Now I want to just go back into my little cocoon and stay there forever. And ever.
 

****

I trust in God
I trust in God
I trust in God
I trust in God

Honesty.

I think that sometimes, happiness can be very obvious. Very outward, very bold, very blinding. Happiness can be seen. On their faces, through their eyes, in the way they stand, the way their hair is swept to one side of their neck, the way they place one leg in front of the other when they walk, the way they smile. 

It just shows. 

***

SO. I went on a impromptu day trip to Genting with my best friends and my best friend's best friend.

아 너무예쁘다~ 

The weather was slightly strange. I mean.. it was hot then it was cold then it was hot again. Mehhh. I did appreciate all the times where it was cold. And then when it was cold, I appreciated the times when it was warm. What am I saying. 

._.

The wind was awesome.

We literally took an hour to get there, waited for an hour to get on the Spiderman ride, walked around for an hour, and then took another hour to get back. It was all worth it.

On the cable car, which I haven't been on for awhile. Suddenly being reminded how scary it feels to be hanging on a line.

감사합니다 친구야~

Post birthday was somewhat better than birthday. 

Or, maybe I'm just biased.

the kindness of a Saviour.

*

"Who do we hold on to and who do we force ourselves to forget? The hardest thing about love often seems to be the extremes. How quickly it can go from “hold me through the night” to “get fck off of me.” One day you’re in a hotel gift shop with the person you love and you look over at them and start to see different things, things you wish you were never able to see. This is the beginning of the end, the beginning of “get the fck off of me.” You know in that moment that you’ll be ignoring them five years from now in a grocery store."

This. How can these stupid things relate to me so much? :/

*

That's besides the point of this post. 

I just turned 20!

The strangest celebration ever. It just gets stranger and stranger every year. But with that said, I am not longer a teen! :/ Mixed feelings about that. I think I miss being the awkward age of 19. This might have been the loneliest birthday ever, mainly because all those close to me are all.. not here. My sister, thank you for the tear-inducing blog post, Kristal and Jo for the very heartwarming whatsapp messages, Ezzie for being the first few to wish me (I'm sorry I didn't get to see you, trust me when I say I'd rather I did, forgive me T__T), my mum who's in Ipoh and Sam for already celebrating it with me, and Omar for the comfort.

 

 Also, thanks to Wing Tim who did come down to Subang to celebrate with me. :) I am grateful, amongst other things that I feel. I am mostly just grateful.

Also, meet the new addition to my bed. I call it Tabby. But I think it has a Chinese name. Ah Wong? Lol. Such an unexpected event. I am blessed to have these significant people in my life. I must learn to treasure them much more than I already do. 

I am purposely choosing to ignore everything else that happened besides all these happy stuff. Honestly, the best time of my 20th birthday was the first 6 hours and the last 45 minutes.

감사하고 사랑해요.
I love you. All.

❤❤❤❤❤

❤❤❤❤❤

❤❤❤❤❤

❤❤❤❤❤

"I'm never changing who I am."

"Its because I was educated to appreciate things in front of me." 

These are the kind of conversations that all happen real early in the morning, when our minds are...free. Sometimes it gets a little too deep, a little too scary, a little too intensed, and a just little too honest. 

These are the kind of sentences that come out of nowhere, probably at the most far end of our minds, or the most deepest, saddest, most real side of our hearts. One small sentence can say so much, can mean so much. 

....or maybe that's just because it came unexpectedly from someone totally unexpected. 

Strange.

*********************

So, I was back in Ipoh to avoid being slaughtered or trampled on during #GE13. I actually do not want to say anything about this. But here I am, already started. 

I think this is going to be a historical event. Something I might remember and hopefully live to tell my grandchildren or something (if I were to have any). I mean, this is probably the first time I (and half of my generation) have ever been concerned about our country as much as this. 

The news, whether mainstream or social media has been sending out a message that, honestly, in my (and mine only) opinion, is detrimental. The passion that is growing in most people, I dare not regard as healthy passion. Of course, its great. I think its totally great that for the first time in my two decades of life (one more day to go!), I am actually witnessing my generation and the younger generation voicing out. Like finally(!), we have an opinion.

What irks me is.. I probably shouldn't say this but I am going to anyway. I think that its hypocritical for all the people to suddenly declare themselves proud to be Malaysians. Just because now we have a cause to fight for, a Malaysian Tsunami. Okay. I'm gonna stop right here, because I have no idea where my train of thought is heading. Probably somewhere #dark. 

Anyway, I am all for the #ubah, whatever the change would be. Now that a passionate generation is rising, Malaysia can be much more than it ever was. God is doing something great here, moving an entire nation. The time is now. 

**********************

So, I've went back to Ipoh to go visit the doctor. And the bump behind my ear happens to be an inflamed lymph node. Sounds scary, even scarier when she said there's no way to get rid of it. Thankfully, its already smaller. And I am not dying. Praise the Lord. 

The other thing that I am more concerned off, is the strange chest pain and difficulty breathing, that has been occurring for a couple of days. So the doctor told me that its possibly...anxiety. Uuhhhmmm. Okay. Yes. That. Great. What? 

Everyone tends to look okay from the outside. Besides, all I do is eat, sleep, sit in front of the computer. What could possibly be wrong with my life right?  Should I be proud of myself for acing the pretend game so well that nobody even wants to believe that there could be something wrong with me? ...inside. All the time. Yeah. Sometimes I also fool myself quite well. The mind is such a complex thing.

I think the chest pains have stopped during my few days back home, but the insomnia doesn't go away. Mehhhh. Now the problem is to prevent the anxiety attacks. Its terrible, super terrible. Terrible things I do not want to experience. Especially since I'm an ex-psychology student. :/ 

And finally having another one of those conversations with someone that you trust and also to be trusted. I must have been really off radar for so long. Sigh. It was like a conversation waiting to happen, waiting and waiting, until it finally happens. The world is not as ugly as it feels right now, I hope we'll still have each other when it all ends. 

**********************

On a happier note,

I went to visit the cats.

And to eat pizza as an early birthday celebration.  
Thanks, love. It seems I am just the most comfortable with you.

I'll always be someone's "something". 

When will I just be me, my own person?

Those three words.

 "...because of you."

Honestly, these three words are scarier than the other kinds of three words that people would think of when they hear 'three words'. Well, to me anyway. How can someone bear to be the reason of...anyone's anything? Of course, it could be a positive reason. I think perhaps I haven't heard any of those things for awhile now.

The things I've been hearing goes a little like...

"You make me feel like dying." 

"Why do you make my life so miserable?"

Uhh. I'm sorry? :/

 **************************

So, nothing has happened. Just felt like updating. This week's service was good. To quote my cell leader, "Its been awhile since I've heard a message that I just had to write down everything because every point was important." 

It was about relationships. Stop right there. I know what you're about to think. Heh. No. It is not about that kind of relationships. Its about our general relationship to people. The real transformation, of Christians, does not only encompass of a Christian's relationship with God. Real transformation happens when you bring the relationship you have with God, towards the people. Real people. Man to man. 

Its given that it is tremendously hard to love people. People who don't mean anything to you, people who have no relation to you whatsoever, and even harder to love people who hate you. But that's exactly what we are supposed to do. Why is it so hard to"have faith" in humanity? Because we don't see it, we don't live it. Okay, now I'm being ironic. Because, to have faith, is to believe evidence of things not seen. Things that are currently not... present.

And that is my problem. It is so hard to live with utter selflessness. Because, humans are self centered. When Adam and Eve first sinned, our focus was already lost. It wasn't on God, it wasn't on others, we only focused on ourselves. We find friends who suit us, make us better people, we marry people who can fit us, we only choose to love those that are easy to love.

³⁴ “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. ³⁵ By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:35-35

We have to love one another. Selflessly and sacrificially. And the final lesson learnt today for Christians: 

Stop convincing people.

Start loving people.

I have to learn to love people. I think I might have just tried to preach. But my

 ex-boyf's right about this. Practice what you preach. Sigh. I have much more growing to do, its a new battle everyday. 

Which brings me back to the recent drama. I am still on my life roller coaster ride. Sometimes I just stop riding for awhile to come down and puke, just to get back on it. And while I continue to do things that might just be slightly detrimental to my mental state, haters continue to hate.

I have to admit, I want this picture posted somewhere, probably out of spite. Just because you tell me I can't, I will show you I can. With some respect. And to avoid casting my drama upon innocent people. I will not forget the way he looked at me. I wish I didn't understand, I wish I could say that their resentment towards me was bullshit. But...I can't. Because I know what its like to be a friend. Because I know how to love a friend. 

 

I had a good night. Carefree. Sexy, free and single. Haha.  

I'd just like to say though. Mind your own business. *i'm already hearing all the whispers of 'my friend's business is my business' speech* Oh, suck it up and just move along.

"Just because something isn’t something, doesn’t mean that it’s nothing."

People have feelings, people get hurt. I am a person. I am a person, too. Just like everybody else. A little hard to process that sentence, isn't it? I guess sometimes its a little too easy to forget that when it comes to me.

Yeah, its a reminder to me on certain days too.

"....until we meet again."

21st April.

 I got baptized!

"....in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit."

It is such an experience. I couldn't tell you how many ways the devil tried to steer me away, with all the reasons that felt like it mattered but really didn't. I am a Child of God, and I am baptized. Despite all the circumstances that have happened, the people telling me to postpone it, being (almost) completely alone during my baptism, it is still one of the best decisions I've made in my life.
I really do everything alone, don't I? :/

I didn't need people to be there to witness it. God was my only witness. I am ready more than ever, to live renewed in Christ and to follow His ways.
For all the days of my life.

****************

So, I have a large pile of soggy, gross tissue in my bin 

that constitutes of the pain you've caused me. 

Does this mean I can openly resent you now?

Date a girl who travels.

Inspiring. 
Makes me think, this is someone I could be.

From : http://www.solitarywanderer.com/2012/02/date-a-girl-who-travels/

Heart of gold.

 Special post for a special friend for his special birthday.

Happy (belated) Birthday, Sam! ♥♥♥

We've been friends for so many years, yet this is the first year I've spent your birthday with you.
:D

"My bestfriend, bestfriend till the very end."

After officially living for two decades, and having spent a few years being friends, I am so blessed to have you in my life. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Happy Birthday, love.

Short, and sweet.

This is a part of my impromptu visit to Singapore. 

Approximately 10 hours before my actually departure, I finally decided to get up and go. After going back and forth in my mind for days, I would say it one of the best decisions I've made. Or, maybe this is just my post-singapore depression talking. 

So, I arrived at a mall that I have never been too. Took a shuttle bus, took a train, took another shuttle bus to go to find the-one-who-was-kind-enough-to-let-me-stay. HAHA. I've finally decided to go with Mr. Red Pants, who will never read this. 

Right after reaching, I traveled all the way to find him just to have him carry my luggage all the way back to his place for me.

 ._.

That night itself, we traveled all the way to the city to visit Marina Bay Sands. No time lost at all. Honestly, a lot has changed since I last went there. All the stuff they were building were finally up and running. I love this Gardens at the Bay place. The tall trees thingy, they're so beautiful. From near and from far. I guess I do have a thing for lights.

Of course, not forgetting the Helix Bridge.

We also managed to catch a water fountain/lights/laser (?) show, that they were showing at Marina Bay. We were both feeling all sentimental and mopey.

On the way there, we walked through this hallway with all these flower patterns on the wall and decided to pick a wall each. Hahaha. "Our wall."

The next day, because he wanted to go to the beach, we went to Sentosa. It was a Sunday, the island was pretty crowded with tourists and all. 

We took the Boardwalk across because the train is overrated. Heh.

The pretty lights on the walls and the staircase.

We walked all along the beach. Twice. 

Rested on these terribly sandy uhh.. pondok? The wind in my hair, sand between my toes. Good times. *sniffles*

Dusted sand off our feet...

...and cycled around a small part of the island because cycling uphill was an impossible task for me. Lol, sorry.

And after eating McD for dinner, we walked all the way to another beach, in the dark, across this pretty cool hanging bridge, looked through the telescope, and walked all the way back to the train station. A long walk along the beach, dark and quiet, perfect date.

The next day, we headed towards Bugis. Bad place to go with the kind of financial crisis I am in. Lol. The long escalator at Iluma is gone! What blasphemy! T________T It was depressing. They've renovated a lot around the city. Shopped around for awhile, he's a good shopping company. I feel bad, I might have bored him out of his mind. Pastel mint green. I won't forget now. :) 

Introduced him to MOS burger for the first time. Rice burgers are awesome. His ebi burger and my something-in-japanese-chicken-burger. From where we were eating, I pointed out Suntec City, lo and behold, he decided we should head there. But only to be disappointed that the Fountain of Wealth was under construction. :/ 

Then. We decided (mainly just him, I just complied) to walk to the Merlion Park. Because it is supposedly near, but not that near. We walked 3 MRT stations away. Lol. I guess I could say it was all worth it. 

After a long treacherous walk/chase to catch the last train home, we still missed the last bus. And proceeded to walk another 3 bus stops far to get home. I've done so much walking, I have a blister on each foot.

 But then again, no regrets. Memories to last for a lifetime.  

Thank you, J.

Short, and sweet.

Changed the game.

The first thing I did when I got back to Ipoh this time around was cut my hair. My horse tail is now officially reduced to a ponytail. Haha. And apparently I need a new shampoo. Hmm.

 Passing through the month of celebration..

I went back to Ipoh, being given the opportunity to celebrate with some new friends their birthdays. Belated or not, celebration is always good. :) 

 Twas was an interesting night, with a little too much beer and too much sitting. Also, too much eating. This new change, the one where I don't get to sleep much in Ipoh anymore, is so strange to me. Quite hard to get used to. I wonder if my mum realises that she barely sees me at home anymore when all I ever did was stay at home in Ipoh. 

Coincidentally, that weekend was Easter Sunday. So I went to church, with two of my closest, and with a very traditional and quiet way, we celebrated the resurrection of Christ.

Happy Easter y'all! 

 And of course, Ipoh is never complete without my dear Ipoh-bestfriend. It was a long day, a long night. Long talks, long walks. I've missed you.

My mum has decided to completely change my sister's room into her own personal walk in closet. So she's been cleaning up stuff, throwing out stuff. I came home at night and saw the whole stack of MGS' Argosy outside the door and I almost ignored it. But after considering the very few memories I have of the school, I decided to keep the class photos that I could find. I didn't get my Standard 6 picture. T____T 

Trips to Ipoh almost makes me nostalgic. Just looking at all the stuff my mum's been clearing up makes me sad. How did I grow up so fast? How did so much change all of a sudden? There's so much to remember. 

I miss my bestfriends. 

"When will we do life together again?"

Busan.

 "Sam (Lopez) and Jill had an operation in the same week." 

"You wanna talk about me then talk about me la, don't wanna talk then don't talk la, no big deal." 

Memories' sake. Shoutout to my best friend! :D

************** 

 I have spent many posts talking about Seoul. I'm hoping to squeeze Busan into one post because well.. there wasn't much.

 Traveling back to Busan was slightly stressful. The train tickets went out, we didn't really make a back up plan. So, we had to sit and collect ourselves a little before devising up a plan. And the plan was.. to take a bus. Lol. Its not that hard to figure out, but point is we've never done it before. So, it was still a little challenging. Going towards the unknown. And it was so cold that day! We had to drag our luggage, which wasn't little, EVERYWHERE. And that picture above, is taken from the university dorm where we were staying. 

1. Boemoesa Temple

We had to take a train to a real far away station, then walk and take the bus uphill to this temple. But we don't reach the temple until we finish climbing uphill.. on foot. It was a looong journey. Thankfully it wasn't too cold that day. It was all very pretty and...yellow. Cause all the trees and grass were still dying from the cold.

I might not have enjoyed climbing uphill very much, but I really liked jumping around on these rocks. The wind was in my hair, the air was cold and crisp and fresh. :D Nature~

2. Gwanghan Bridge

The beaches at Busan are all so nice. :/ Jealous. Lol. But the main point of this place is the bridge. Where they usually have the colourful fountains/ lights and stuff. But they don't operate during winter. :(

3. Haeundae Beach

So, this is apparently the famous beach in Busan, and it is damnnn big. Lol. I guess it'd be nice to come when its warm and sunny to build sand castles and all. Maybe wear a bikini. HAHA.



My sister takes terrible candid shots of me. Hmph.

 4. Noraebang 




Noreabang literally translates to "song room", which means karaoke in Malaysian terms. The pricing system is slightly different, but other than that, its pretty much the same. I would say, it is slightly better going to sing k in Malaysia. The only difference is the place and they give us tambourines to play with... which we conveniently ignored. And, that place we're sitting on, its like a stage. For people to dance and sing on I guess. 

Oh, right. They also have a point giving system. We got 100 for singing "I don't wanna miss a thing". LOL farny stuff. We went back for 2 days straight because the singing duration is only 2 hours per session and we were not satisfied that we never got to sing the songs we want. Surprisingly, mummy just went along with us and listened us sing terribly and dancing to "Oppa, oppa". Haha, good times. 

5. Blue Monkey 

 Special appearance from Nay, friend who was with us, brought us? I didn't even get a chance to thank him. To fulfill my final thing to do in Korea, we went clubbing on the last night. Blue Monkey is this club which is more of a clubbing scene for foreigners in Busan. ...which is slightly disappointing because I want to experience a Korean korean club. But, beggars can't be choosers.

It was one of the most interesting nights I have ever lived. Haha. I don't think there's much I can tell here about the night. But we meet some Korean oppas and uhh.. foreingners. So, people who club in Korea really like...grinding. The girls like to grind and the guys like to be grinded. Normal right? ...right. Watching was a bit too creepy for me, imagine participating. Heh. The people were uhh.. slightly older. And they seem to have never ending energy. It was a little past 3 and I was already so tired, but they danced till 5am. Party goers are memang hardcore there. Good times, good times. First time partying in the winter, first time partying with Koreans in Korea. 

Blessed.