"I'm only human, can't you see?"

"One day you'll meet me and
you'll know it's not a dream
It won't be hell or heaven
We'll be somewhere in between" 

--Hotel, Kita Alexander  

This song has been speaking to me so much, I have no idea why. It makes my heart sink, makes me hold my breath, it makes me cry. I can't even specifically identify what the song reminds me of, who it reminds me of. It just sings of a certain kind of loss that I feel so deeply, so often.

************

Today is Monday. I was in bed till 4pm. A new realization is kicking in. My holidays are coming to an end. Ironically, it is the first day of the National Week holiday here in China. Although I am constantly questioning.. why did all this happen? Why am I here? What am I doing? What was God's plan? Why did He bring me here to see these things, to meet these people? Why did I have to learn this experience? What is the lesson? What is going to happen after this?

There was a strange peace that covered me. Like, probably the ones who have been speaking to me listen to me complaining constantly and constantly stressed out about making decisions and all that. But while I was here, whatever was happening, I look in the mirror and I ask "what am I doing?". While there is no answer, I still felt there's a certain knowing that just everything will be okay.

A lot of things don't make sense now, my life is still pretty much unsettled. Like sand on the the beach, every time a wave comes in, sand get stirred. And the waves, they never stop coming in. Reality still calls out to me. It doesn't mean that I don't know I'm basically walking from one set of problems into another. Right back into my problems.

Its slowly hitting me that all the things that I had under control, will not be anymore, if I become present in those problems again. The person that I didn't want to be, the people I don't want to deal with, that same pain, is all still there. I just... moved away. Trying to see how long I can avoid it until it subsides.

I think the biggest lesson I have learnt from this experience, is that I can really see many people's real face now. Many. Few? Having me re-evaluate my belief in humanity again. And the people I surround myself with. While over here, I caught a glimpse of how much lies are being told on a daily basis, unfortunately participating in it as well, necessarily so.

I thank God for that strange peace everyday, just holding me everyday.

Let's see where the road takes me now.