It's the end of the decade, the end of the year, the shittiest year yet. Yes, every year had been a shitty year, but each year tops the previous. I feel like all I've been doing is counting my losses, and they keep outnumbering the positives. And I can't help but think that I did these things to myself. I did.
The entire year felt like a series of bad things, on and on, one after another, and yet another good thing happens followed by something worse. There wasn't really anything that was fully good. And at the centre of it all, was me. I was this thing that is good and then followed by everything bad. I feel like this was the identity I assumed this year. Now, cue all the positive quotes you can change your mindset, look from a different perspective, the glass is half full nonsense. Yes, I've heard enough, I don't even know if it's just me being stubborn, or for the lack of trying, or that it really is that the glass is just not half full.
I haven't written much this year. Amongst juggling a new job, my unstable mental state and acute lack of sleep, I didn't have much to say. I found myself loss for words more often than not, and just incapable of dealing with things that it was always better just not to say anything at all. I suppose that contributed to my ongoing and future 'issues'. I've suppressed so many feelings, it's so uncomfortable to show them.
I suppose one lesson I've learnt here is that my communication abilities have become so, so bad, I don't think I should put it down anywhere. If it states anywhere that I have "good communication skills"... yeah, sorry. That's recently become false. I'm not lying on purpose though, I hate that I am this way.
Okay, this was not meant to be another self-depreciating post.
It seems, like a lot of us out there, my biggest accomplishment this year is also just... finishing the year and still being alive. This year, I definitely struggled with being alive and hating it. I still don't want to be alive, but that's another (continuing) journey into 2020, huh. For now, let's just learn to be grateful for this year.
This year, I travelled more often than I ever did.
This year, I made more money than I ever have.
This year, I gained a 'friend', someone whom I hope stays friends with me.
This year, I made friends with more girls than guys.
This year, I held my tongue a lot.
This year, I lost something very important to me.
This year, I learnt once again, how much I could love someone.
This year, people leave me.
This year, I had multiple major breakdowns.
This year, I don't know who I am.
It feels like a journey of self discovery and the only way to do that was to shake up my entire identity and have me question entirely what I stand for and who I am or who I want to be. I flit between being comfortable with my lack of morals and being hauntingly disappointed in who I've become. In some cases, I am confident with the person I am and then in some cases, I am more wish-washy than the sand on the beach. When the wave comes, I just fall. I don't get it anymore.
Isn't this a really bad time to have yet another identity crisis?
This year, I was looking for love in the wrong places.
This year, I am still looking for someone to love, someone who loves me.
Next year, I will still be waiting.
I've never been so tired. Of everything. Of being alive. Of having this life. When 2019 rolled in, I had hope. Like little shimmers of hope here and there. But now, with 2020 coming by, dammit, I just wish it never comes. A lot of people have strong hopes that 2020 will be a 'better' year for them. And here I am just kinda knowing it will continue to be shit and that little shimmer of hope that it won't be - it's fading.
Is this a self-fulfilling prophecy?
I don't want to find out.
"I can love you like that
I would make you my world
Move Heaven and Earth if you were my girl
I will give you my heart
Be all that you need
Show you you're everything that's precious to me
If you give me a chance
I can love you like that"
-- All-4-one
But you don't want me.
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