First, I gotta try to want to have some goals this year. If I make it past that, I should try to figure out what those goals are. They will likely be very small, small steps to just make me feel better about myself by actually succeeding in this first step. We're going to take super, super tiny, minuscule, smaller than baby kind of baby steps.
The first, first one I'm taking this year is writing this post in the first place.
I feel like I have actually reached that point in my life - the point where I actually really now have no one to talk to. I don't know if it's in my head, but I'm not really making it up. We really care less about each other now. Perhaps it's all those motivational quotes that I keep seeing on instagram about how we should all know how to stand up for ourselves and respect ourselves and know what's good for us and walk away from everything toxic and all that focus on yourself bullshit. Did it occur to them that by filling people's minds with all these thoughts gives us reasons and excuses now to care less about other people because "we" come first?
Sure, there's a certain amount of "be kind to each other" quotes too. But all these are just confusing. I don't think we're now able to discern between what we really believe in versus all the things that influence us everyday via our multiples screens and the little deceive attached to our hands all the time. Yet here I am, typing this post on the iPad you gave me.
Okay, lets not judge. There's will be no judgement in this post. I just can't figure it out anymore. There's a lot of truth but so much more uncertainty. We don't know what's real anymore. The only thing that's real is that we live in this world now and there's no escaping. Which is funny, because so many people want to escape. We're so unhappy, so, so unhappy. Okay, no. Perhaps there's a large number of unhappy people in the world, but there are also people who are happy.
Then, there's me. Selfishly, and as small as I feel, I sit here within these four walls most days and wonder.. why am I so sad? Why is everybody else so happy? Why can't I be happy? Why am I so, so sad? In my four walls, there's only me and sadness and everything outside of it is happier and better and just.. good. And I am not. No, I get it. Everyone has their own struggles, everyone's tending to their own problems, it's not that people out there are doing better than I am. But I am not okay. Actually, it's been a super long time since I've answered the god forsaken question of 'how are you?' with the generic and possibly untrue 'I'm okay'. I haven't said to anyone that I am okay and successfully deceiving them lol. I can't hide it anymore, I don't want to hide I think anymore, I stopped quite sometime ago. I just don't answer the question I think. And therefore, I have reached the point where I got no one to talk to anymore, because this is my default state and I am not okay. This has almost been the longest time I have been this un-okay. I might just break my previous record this time around - previous record being two years.
But I am not, and I am the only one who doesn't do anything about it.
So, a few of my little goals this year would probably be:
1. Blog more - so I don't lose my sanity in these four walls and not having anyone to speak to who cares enough to hear me
2. Sweat more - I wouldn't even go as far as writing 'exercise' because that's too much for now. For now, it's just sweat more, maybe I need to standing under the sun a bit more, at the least of it
3. Bedtime max 0300 - unless there's a deadline tomorrow or I'm out clubbing or if I'm crying, I still have to drag my ass into my doing my going to bed routine while crying and cry in bed to get myself to sleep
Small, small, small steps.
I'm not going to change my mind about you.
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