I have a deadline tomorrow :) Here I am, blogging, as usual, with deadlines in a few hours considering its going to be 4am by the time I'm done with this post. I suppose this is a good time to update from the previous post on how my 2020 has actually panned out in these three months.
1. I think I'm doing okay with the blogging part, considering this is the next post and within the first quarter. Small wins! Also, instead of blogging, I've taken to writing in a book instead. Still deciding which one I prefer at this point, hmmm.
2. Oddly, in the last 2 weeks or so, in case I ever forget this in the future, here's a summary to what's happening. The world has been hit with a new novel coronavirus and there is no cure and we're now all on partial lockdown, basically everybody stays at home until the virus infection slows down or stops, and currently as I'm typing this, we are 1 and a half weeks in and I am losing my sanity quickly. So there's the summary. With that said, we've been working from home and every call starts from "how are you" and as I was saying.. oddly enough, I am forced to answer "I'm okay". So that's changed at least. I now tell people I am okay. Good thing is, they can't see my face and I am only lying to a screen.
3. Sweat more. Hmm. I've been sweating from the anxiety of these con calls and these video interviews. Does that count? I manged to do a 40-second plank the other day? I do some stretching now, even though it doesn't make me sweat? We also filmed some TikTok videos which involved practising a 15 second dance over a hundred times. I also did sweat. Yay, I'm doing okay.
4. Sleep time.... yeah, sorry. Sigh, if you consider 'early' 8am these days, then I've made it. Hah. Haha. Nope, I'm still here losing my shit and losing my sleep.
Small wins, okay. Lets look at the small wins.
I'm writing these today, to remember, that we lived in these times. Never thought I'd encounter this and that we're actually..... doing it. So staying at home all the time might have altered my routine, but now I'm back to my favourite routine of waking up when the sun is in the middle of the sky and sleeping when the sun rises. I am losing touch with the world, as usual, my usual hermitting habits kicking in hard. Will I lose some people along the way (again)?
I want that kind of love you do too, I do. Just like you can't find it from me, I can't find it either. You don't know it, but we're in the same boat. My heart... its still not with me. But I will no longer apologise for making decisions that are good for myself. While I'm also out there making all the bad ones. My heart longs for what no longer exists. And it might just continue to any foreseeable future. That's what I have to deal with. Again. At 27. If you're not laughing, I am laughing at myself.
This is the year okay. Bet when the year ends, I would still have the same kind of shitty years that I've been having, just on a different level. Sorry for the resurfacing of pessimism. Let's dial back again. This is the year. Its going to happen this year. Somehow. Someeeeeeehowww. No idea how. I will stop being pathetic and alone this year. Someone will love me back this year. Lol.
Part of me wants to sit back and take as long as I need, but I've already learnt that lesson. There's always a place etched in my life and my heart and my mind for these people. I might run out of place someday. Actually, I think I'm pretty close to running out of place already. That's why the next one... the next one's gotta be it. Or I'm done. Lol who am I kidding, I'm the one who can't choose anymore after this.
Won't you be the last one for me?
I'll still cry for what we're not, I'll still think of you everyday, wondering when you would think of me too, knowing very well that you won't, and learning to live with this pain in my life. I will still wish for you in every wish. I wish for me, and I wish for you.
So at this point, in another few weeks, my life as I know it is about to change again. I barely got used to this one, but its about to change again. I know no matter how I try, I will never be ready for it. I'm just going to have to go for it, unprepared. That's all life is to me for now. When will it be over? I'll write about the journey when its actually over.
But for now, soldier on.
I'm still trying, everyday.
I still miss you, human.
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