Not

It's a day before my 27th birthday.

Still feels shitty. It's been a couple of years since I've started to hate birthdays, my own specifically.

Should I say something? Or should I not? Nothing is going to happen either way. 아플 뿐이야. 정말 생일이 싫어. 

Ahh.. 27. What a number. Yes, it is just a number I suppose. Times like these are the ones that remind you of what you have, and what you don't, in your life at a certain age. I know, it's not age that defines how much we should have achieved, or not achieved. It's no difference which age you do anything in. But here I am, hours and days just passing by, and me letting it. Making absolutely no difference in the world, for myself, or anyone else, and doing absolutely nothing useful.

This guilt-laced 'rest'. Is it even rest? Why do I feel so guilty? It's like I didn't do anything to deserve this rest. What did I ever do in this life that I should 'rest'? But why am I so tired all the time if it always feels like I'm doing nothing, achieved nothing, worked (or not worked) for nothing? Nothing comes out of it. And then here we are, me being completely unaware of the time passing. But worse, I don't really care.

And then suddenly I'm turning 27 and.. it's all still the same. The same kind of emptiness, the same kind of resentment, the same kind of hopelessness, just like the years before.

This virus has cheated months of my life. But let's be honest here, I'm the culprit. I'm just using the virus and the lockdown as an excuse. This rest? While I am grateful for the timing, and the anxiety it's caused me, I am the one sitting on my own ass everyday, letting all the days pass me by and... feeling guilty. What's funny is that this is exactly what's taking away my 'rest', isn't it?

Yes, we're all struggling. Soon I'll be 27 and struggling. 27 and single. 27 and alone.

And here I am using the lockdown as an excuse too, its stolen months of possibility and opportunity from me, to not be single. But who am I kidding? I'd still be. 난 너만 원해. 변하지 않을 것이다. 

There's no rest within me. What's it going to take for that day to come? In the coffin? Assuming there'll be coffins in our 'new normal'. Well.. there are coffins, just no wakes right. No, there's people that have to come and cry and hurt when I'm gone. Well.. that's presumptuous of me to think that they would care enough to at all. 

내 생일 일 때 난 모든 걸 싫어해. 인생은별로 없다.

But! I have to be very grateful, for the kind wishes that might come in, for those who remember, for the people who are willing to spend time with me and celebrate for me. I am. I am, still. I will be. But if I can have just one minute of honesty here, I would still hate my own birthday and I would still resent the fact that I have to pretend to smile and be happy and grateful while absolutely hating it in my mind. I'm sorry, and I hate that I have to be sorry.

I learnt, once again, that the world continues to turn, and people will continue to live their lives, without you in it. That's what happens when you step out of people's lives, willingly or not. 아프다, 아주 많이. 

Happy 27th Birthday, self, in advance. 

나를 기억 해줘.

나는 너 존재하지 않는 세상을 싫어해, 지금처럼.