12th July 2020

I really, really wonder, what do you see when you look at me? What are you thinking when you look me in the eye? 

Today, you looked me in the eye. You did. And I couldn't read it. I don't even know if I could read it back then, but I did. Back then, I was still sure with what you felt while knowing full well that you would change your mind anytime. I anticipated all the situations where you would change your mind.

But now though... what is it? I can't read it at all. It feels familiar, feels... like memories.

I'm just happy to see you, human.
Oh, how I missed you.

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Mini update:

I am 27. The long dreaded birthday has passed. I am forever grateful to God, knowing He is here, and He listens, and His plans for me are good. I know the tone I am using is slightly different from the previous post, right before I became old. But... I made it through (unfortunately) and now I am old and still trying to make it through everyday.

Its been.... okay. Its been pretty okay actually. Of course, there's always that part of me that fears that this is the calm before just another storm and knowing that this bubble will burst and there's many bad things lurking around the corner just out there to get me because nothing good lasts long.

But I am trying my best to live just right in the moment and be so grateful for every good moment that occurs, trying not to jinx it with my negativity.

I've started a new job, I'm officially not useless anymore. Its been a month (in 2 days) and I'm making some progress. I'm happy with my progress, not too sure how my boss sees it. I am super grateful for a kind, calm, friendly boss. That's just what I've been praying for. I am so grateful for the encouragement and I am trying my best to put my best work forward and making sure I deserve all these things I'm receiving in return, not just the pay, but also the kindness that I've been shown.

I know that most times, these things are a given. I guess I'm still recovering from that previous trauma and its just hard to believe that these things can happen to me and can be real.

The last 3 months have been difficult, empty, just a whole bunch of nothingness. I was drowning in my own thoughts, unable to communicate, finding out that I have no one really to talk to about these things and... it was just me, in my four walls, within my own mind.

Its not to say I am completely out of that dark place, but at least I am seeing some ray of lights. I have reached the point that I want to fill the emptiness, just not sure with what, or how. I.. want something (read: someone) I can love. Preferably who loves me back. I'd like to get a dog. But I can't..... so I'll have to settle for something else.

Fingers crossed, I hope the rest of the year will still be in these little rays of light.