I woke up when September ended

 Well, that was that. After all that... this is it? 

There's so much going on, I don't even know where to begin. September was a pretty shit month. I mean, it wasn't actually. But it kinda is. Its almost the end of the year now, and like all the 2020 memes out there, it does kinda feel like it didn't really happen. 

As odd as that is, many things had happened to me though. Many, and not all of them good. I suppose it's at the end of that route, I may find that I gained more than I lost. It is 2020, remember what I said earlier this year? My little stupid goals and unrealistic dreams. Well.. fingers crossed. I'll do that review when the year actually ends. 

This virus continues to terrorize us and while so many people are suffering and dying around the world, I will count my blessings. 

I was quite young when I fell in love for the first time. Maybe I was still young when I fell in love the second time.. now I'm not as young. Sometimes I get crazy and scared and I think about the possibility of me falling in love in my 30s. Well.. its not impossible. I just don't know if I really want to test that out. 

Will things finally settle into a comfortable lull now? I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted dealing with my own mind and feelings and bad feelings and good feelings and other people's feelings too. I'm tired from being criticized and loathed, and feeling guilt and shame and all time low. I know that last part is unlikely to change, but I'd like some form of stability and calm now. Please? 

I don't want to be fighting and searching and trying anymore. Well, now its a different kind of try, different kind of problems maybe? But... better? I really, really hope so. I don't think I can take anymore, I'm all out of life to live already. 

I'm bad at goodbyes. I feel like I've written this many times here, but it remains true. If I had my way, I wouldn't say goodbye to people. Some people. Was this an end of a chapter? An opening to a new one? 

I will make peace with my decision, at least this time I can't say 'it's happened to me' but more like "I did it". And hopefully, this is a good thing. I feel lighter now, occasionally a little empty, but lighter. If only this helps me sleep better. I guess some things just don't change.