"You haven't forgiven me."

"Yes, I have."
"You don't love me anymore."

"Yes."
"Are you sure?"

"Yes. But I feel an infinite tenderness for you. I always will. My whole life."
"Leave whenever you want. No, really. I won't bother you again."

"You're not bothering me."
"Get going."

********

If everyone knew the beauty each one possesses, maybe we'd all feel less pain. 

The biggest lie of satan is "oh, but you are alone". 

“Schlussmacher”

“Even if I miss her, she was the one who broke up with me.”
“Oh, come on Paul. That wasn’t a break up, that was a cry for help.”

Hello, stranger.

Did you forget already? 

 This picture says it all, exactly where I am.

Surge of overwhelming emptiness.

I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand?

Oh, won't you stay with me?

I'm lying here in a bed that only smells of familiarity, yet it doesn't have a place for me anymore. Crashing into the one place I'm not allowed to be, yet I have nowhere else to go. Everything is so.. familiar. My heart beats in a crazy rhythm, filled with a mixture of complacency and remorse. 

Will it all become mere memories? How much time do I have left? When is the time to go? 

Certainly not now. 

"어디 있나요? 행복했어요, 

잊이말아요, 다시 만나." 

8.

...that the kind of pain without open wounds or broken bones
hurts the most and leaves the biggest scars.

This will be our story. The story of our undying, yet impossible love.

"She likes life, she doesn’t need a fancy lifestyle to be happy — she just needs you."

 

roaming around.

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should've let you win
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should've let you win

"Ain't nobody gonna love you like I do."

I've been following this blog for awhile now, recently gotten reminded by my sister that I haven't read the last post because they delayed it. Its such an eye opening experiment.

Maybe she reminds me a little about myself, but not entirely. I've never used to be the person who wanted it all. But now.. I probably am. Haha, the power of change. He reminds me a little of me too, the kind of fear and the part where he says he 'gets' to them before they 'get' him. Basically, he dumps them to prevent feeling abandoned when he feels it isn't working out. I'm also begin to understand her 'accommodating' attitude, but the only difference was that the guy actually hated it. Lol, I've been in both their shoes before. What I like the most about the two of them is that they seem to know and understand each other so well and have actual, real concern about what's best for the other. They were honest throughout it all with each other, and how they opened up. I love how mature both of them are, with dealing with their feelings. If only I could make myself, hah. I love how he understands that she has a 'need to know' and that she can't just not talk about it or ignore it and he actually brings it upon himself to make sure she gets what she needs, that's quite rare in a man. I love how he loves her, yet he knows he can't be with her.

They were so cute together, despite all the differences. So happy, and so sad. Maybe I'm also a hopeless romantic who wanted a happy ending at the end. But, when it didn't happen, it just shows me how real love can be and how reality can change everything no matter what it is that you feel. Its a lesson worth learning. Their story resonates with me more because they are so real. Real people with real feelings and real lives that get messy and sad and yet they have each other. Just... real.

I actually still really, really want to experience this experiment. Except I probably can't afford to pay for couple therapy. Does anyone has actual time and interest in doing this? 

Read it though. Its really cool.

_____________________________

So, I've came down with this crazy migraine everyday that occasionally becomes a fever and I think my tonsils are swollen again, yet I have no idea what exactly is wrong with me. Exhaustion, maybe? Haha, funny. Sleep deprivation? Should I get it checked? I sit at home alone and I'm scared of what's happening to me. So, physically I'm probably dying. Mentally, I'm probably like uhmm..

Like that. See the smile on the guy who's hanging by a thread? Dying, yet smiling. Yeah, something like that. This isn't exactly pretense, this is overcoming. I think I know things are actually really bad when even my mum calls to ask me how I am from time to time. Its scary because my mum usually ignores my moodiness and excuse it for my character or just because I'm cranky from the lack of sleep. But I can tell, this time its not the same. She actually gave me a hug that yesterday. And she does call to check if I'm still alive or something. That, she's never used to do. I wonder if she knows anything, hmmm. I'm not sure if I want to know though. I just want to get better, find some form of joy.

"Give them the freedom to have a life outside of you and make the choice to keep you in it—not as an option or the one they throw leftovers to, but the one constant they hold on to every single day."

 "God loves you,
don't give up." 

I'll still have to fight my own demons.

Loss.

To continue..

Then I came back, spent way too little time thinking about which major to choose and.. that's that. While on the other hand, upon our return back to KL, we received news that my grandma was admitted into the hospital and she was in a critical condition. So there were a lot of trips to the hospital, a few scary phone calls. My aunt and the cousins came back from UK to see her. I think it was more like, to spend her remaining time with her. My grandma actually has stomach cancer and has been suffering from kidney failure. She's fought a long and hard battle and her time was up. 

Honestly, all I was thinking the whole time was "I don't want to attend another funeral". 

On the 23rd of July 2014, in the morning, she has returned to the Lord. It was a painful loss at the end of it, despite it not being a shock. Knowing there was nothing more to be done and all we could do was just to wait for her time to come. Maybe a little bit of "I didn't take care of her more" or "I wasn't around enough and now she's no longer here". Arriving at the hospital, yet I didn't arrive with a hello.

The funeral and all, proceeded and it was a slow, sad experience. Despite all that, in the back of my mind, there was a small breathe of acceptance; that she was in a better place now, that she's no longer suffering. That's the most important part of it all. She's lived long, 87 years.

I miss her. But its okay. 

I think everybody should always remember how they were once loved. 
Back when you still knew that there's someone who loves you. 
That's the love you have collected over the years.

Involuntary solitude.

For a moment in time, a few weeks ago, it was easy to write down my irrelevant thoughts. But now, its hard enough to construct a proper sentence to just explain what I'm feeling or thinking. My brain capacity seem to have died with whatever that was remainder of my social life, haha. 

So, it feels like so much have been going on, but actually I haven't been doing much. Just being consumed by my own thoughts and overflowing emotional stress. Firstly, uhm. I don't even know how to begin. Coming back from Singapore... oh wait. I haven't even blogged about Singapore. 

Okay, fine. Quick one. Singapore to me was a quick vacation, a small runaway, a little escape, a form of healing. Because it seems, I had such a hard time trying to find peace within myself, within the four walls of my room.

Also, family trip! And I have been wanting to visit Universal Studios for like ever. 

 And to Far, Far Away. It was a good trip, generally. With a lot of walking, so much walking. And in a new place too, so that was a lot of fun to me; to be able to see another side of Singapore that I would technically have no reason to go to on my own anyway. We stayed at Clarke Quay, and there's alot of tourists there. Also managed to bump into a very old friend, oh the irony of the world. 

 Genuine smiles. 

Trying to shut out my own mind for awhile, while letting it run freely on its own. Everywhere I went there were reminders of a brief bittersweet memory, and just reminders of my current situation. In other words, there's nowhere to run wan la. Just face it head on.

 I know what people would say like I'm too skinny or whatever, but I really liked how my legs look in this whole trip. HAHA. Sorry, a little vanity slipped through my fingers. Visiting the nature, seeing it all again in daylight, good times. In the end of everyday was just tired feet. 

Also, one of the reasons for planning this trip at such a timing was to attend Becky's wedding. Ahh, how we've grown up, grown old. I remember the time when I meet her in her teens, and here I am now, officially an adult and attending her wedding. Nostalgic. 

 Heh, I was a little too tall, awkwardly bending. Ahh, so much beauty in seeing people choose their life partners and love. And that leads me to think about the future, marriage and all. Hmmm. I think this trip was a fulfilling one, all the past, present and future. Or, I'm just trying to sound positive. Forever is a long time, you know. 

The long lines and all the time spent waiting, I wish the rides were more... exciting. Lol. And also, we managed to get mummy go to on most of the rides with us. She bailed on the mini-rollercoaster which was.. pretty thrilling. Haha, I came down acknowledging that I am now older and not so "on" as last time. Finding food was always the problem I think. Where's the food at? That's one thing I will never learn about Singapore.

This trip was actually laced with a lot of hurt, but its what makes it so special to me. Now I'm back and still I have no idea what's in store for me, but like I said just now, have to face wan la. The semester has started and still things were going rough for me. I'll keep that for the next post.

“Don’t let what he wants eclipse what you need. He’s very dreamy, but he’s not the sun. You are.” -- Sandra Oh, Grey’s Anatomy

"You stupid or what?"

 Exactly what I'm feeling right now.

"You love hard, and you fight hard, right? That’s what love is supposed to be. And that’s the kind of love you’ll seek over and over, the kind that burns when it touches you, because it’s the only thing that feels real."

Tired, so tired.

Love beautifully.

I've been trying to pen down my thoughts about everything that has been going on. Trying to assess my own actions and intentions. But I really don't know what to say. I think I'm just trying really hard to be right. One of the kind of habits I have never been able to change or remove from my life...yet.

I thought it was all getting better, but why do the people around me still make it seem like I'm still the same? I smiled like I meant it.

Today I'm just having one of those really bad days. I hurt emotionally and physically. The weather is really taking a toll on everyone. Sigh. Fever, go away!

I want to be happy, too.

The semester has started and I'm not feeling it yet. I always /want/ to go through the entire semester hardworkingly, and do it well. But like every other student, we stop halfway. This has been a big problem for our generation. Hmmm. It's only the first week and I've fallen sick. So much motivation right now -.- it's been kinda lonely though. Too much silence on my part. I don't know how to do it anymore.

To better days ahead.

 

You can't teach someone how to love you.

Being strong is overrated.

Lets be weak.

I'm not used to this. I'm not sure if I want to.

"And maybe it made you feel good to be someone else’s savior. It’s a bittersweet feeling to give someone the very thing you need so much in other people."

I love you.

Don't stop.

"I listened to his heart beat when he slept and I loved him for every fingernail, eyelash and scar. He is so talented I can feel it when I touch him and intelligent without needing to prove it by talking just to hear the sound of his own voice, he is quick and funny and brave enough to love a girl who is a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle that only comes with 999 pieces. Sometimes I think he could be the 1000th." 

The person who wrote this, beautiful, heart throbbing-ly painful paragraph, is still so young, from reading her story. Every love we feel at every part of our lives are the most real, most true to us, at that point in time and their love sounds so beautiful, so real, from her point of view. I honestly wish her story ends well, I'm not being a killjoy here, but it generally doesn't. At least not at that age. Maybe she'll have that special story. Who am I to say? I'm only at the beginning of my journey, too.

I'd die happy (when I actually do die) if someone ever wrote something like that about me. Its so temporary, still so beautiful, and I would always read it just to remember the person that I was at that point of time.

 

Raw and unfiltered.

"You’ll only ever be on each other’s peripherals,
but never in plain sight."

_____________________

"When you’ve been seeing yourself as an inferior, unlovable person for long enough, or someone has been telling you that for long enough, you can start to believe it on such a subconscious, engrained level, that if someone treats you like you’re better than that, you think there’s something wrong with them."

*****

I respect writers like that, its quite amazing what our minds are capable of. When I read these things, I think about what they had to go through to write something like that, to realize something so painfully true, for them at least. And to actually deal with that realization. I mean... What am I supposed to do now, with that knowledge? That kind of thought. 

"XXX isn’t made in a single ideal moment… it is a collection of good and great moments that add up over time.” -Art Markman

*****

I wrote XXX because I think you can fill in many different words there to make that sentence meaningful.  A collection of good moments over time. Stop letting one moment change your entire cause. 

______________________

So, the semester has ended. I'm officially forced to take another step forward, in terms of education. Now I finally find myself in the place I've been dreading and making the decision I have been procrastinating.  
To choose a major.

Finals ended just 3 days ago and the break has started. I only have 2 goals this break, and surprisingly or not, sleep is not on that list. I'm feeling proud that I still manage to surprise myself sometimes, step one to falling a little in love with myself. Heh.

1. EAT.
2. HAVE FUN. 

Of course, it'd be nice if those two can be accomplished together. Of course, I'd like to travel too. But I always get disappointed a little in that category, so to cut myself a little heartache, I won't put it on the list.

Oddly, the first thing I did to start the break off, was a very rushed, impromptu, also uneventful, trip back to Ipoh. At least I got one thing cut off my to-do list? 

I got a haircut! Got rid of all those terrible dead ends and fluff and... it was so pretty that day. But today, its back to how it used to be. :/

Also, celebrated Father's Day on Sunday.

For a man who has lived this long (half a decade plus), done all kinds of things, I feel until today he still stands on what he believes in, and despite how people, myself included, will never understand or agree or accept the way he's lived his life, I think that's something I look up to. Maybe its because I feel I may never be able to do that. Mistakes are made, hearts are broken, many lives are changed. At the end of the day, we're here now. And now, is what should matter. Every Father's day, I wish him, thinking back a little about the father that he was, and I would say, he was lacking in many ways. I'm not the best daughter, but we fought long and hard and now we're all grown up. I'm the youngest, and I turned 21 this year. If today, this is the best he can be for us, he cooks for us, helps us in all the small small ways, the best we can do, is just to be daughters and call him 'Dad' and appreciate now. The past, let is stay where it belongs, in the past. Happy Father's Day, daddy.

Be strong.

"Funny you're the one broken but I was the one that needed saving." - Stay, Rihanna 

I've been living by that for awhile now, for as long as I remembered actually. There's no one's pain more painful than the other person's. So, don't forget to sometimes, just sometimes, see their pain too. Its so easy to forget, I know that. So easy. But, I think all we really need are honest words and open hearts and good communication. Even that is hard to do. Lessons to be learnt.

I think everyone deserves someone who loves to love them. Altruism doesn't exist, I had a big debate on that topic in foundation. Hah. I was on the opposing team and I was fighting for something I don't believe in. That only says two things, either I'm a really bad debater (which I am) or that the statement is true beyond any argument. I've done all the research necessary, looked for all the arguments that there are out there. But no matter what I read, I didn't believe it and I couldn't make myself believe it either. 

"Altruism involves the unselfish concern for other people. It involves doing things simply out of a desire to help, not because you feel obligated to out of duty, loyalty, or religious reasons."  

 There are great people out there, many many for that matter. But nobody does something and expects nothing in return. Even if you didn't expect anything in return, what you get from it is intrinsic. Its like you do it because even if you're doing something for someone else's benefit, at your expense, you still get something in return. You feel better about yourself, you feel proud, satisfied at your own good work, you receive gratitude, kindness in return, the birth of a new friendship. Something. Somethings comes back to you, whether it was from that someone else or not. Does it mean that if you don't expect anything back but it comes to you anyway, that it is altruism? Nah. I think I'm writing way beyond my league right now. 끝.

Lets go back to what my main point is. My main point is actually, that people think love is altruistic. It isn't. If I was to be curt here, the only reason it isn't is just because altruism doesn't exist. I do believe, however, that everyone deserves someone who loves to love them, not just someone who loves them. You gotta love loving that person, it shouldn't feel like a burden, it shouldn't feel like a responsibility. You don't have to force yourself to love someone else. You either do, or you don't. What is it when they do it just because they have to, not because they love doing it? Love is not a job. Maybe a relationship feels like a job, maybe marriage feels like a job. Loving someone is not a job. It comes from the heart. So cliche, hah. Ironic. But love is also not black and white. There is no clear cut answers. What we can only do, is keep asking.

"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Always hopes,
always perseveres.

Take me back to the beginning.

Back to when it was all filled with crinkly eyed smiles and good laughs and deep conversations. 

"Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me."
-The Scientist, Coldplay

So, it may or may not be obvious that I'm here procrastinating again because I just did the first paper for my finals and it was pretty shitty. And, yes. That. Ugh, I'm falling behind every semester, just barely pulling through. I wonder if this will last. And the next paper is in a few days, and I'm freaking out so bad and its the same cycle again. Freaking out so bad that I'm not doing anything about it. Ugh. Why am I like that? 

On one of my lazy days (laced with silent screams in my head about my finals), I watched P.S I love you again. I don't know why I torture myself with things like that. Guilty pleasures, that's what they call it. And despite all the love messages and all the true love stuff they were trying to send out, one sentence really stood out to me.

"Losing your mind is not for the middle class."

This is true. Too true. Really true. So while I've also spent many days of my 21 years of life breaking down and falling apart and eventually crawling back up again, this statement still remains true. If you were grieving, if you were heartbroken, if you lost the things you love, if you lost yourself, for any of the reasons, losing your mind is not for the middle class. If you were one of those people who were successful (materially speaking) and you have a large figure in your bank account, maybe you can afford to spend days or weeks sitting around, crying your eyes out, eat expensive ice cream from a tub, don't work, don't study, don't cook, don't clean, don't shower, don't sleep (or sleep too much), perhaps you could do just that. 

Maybe you could afford an expensive psychiatrist and pay for someone to just hear you out, who'll try to tell you what's wrong with you and where you should start when it comes to healing yourself. Maybe you can afford to spend bucket loads of money on booze and get pissed drunk, dance and sing and be entertained by some true friends and some shady ones and then spend the entire day after that nursing yourself back to sobriety, and still feel more alone than ever. And repeat until you finally feel like yourself again. 

But for the rest of us, we can't afford to. When you think you're too broken, too sad, too angry, and everything is too much, what's there left to do? Still gotta go to class, still gotta sit for the exams, still gotta finish the work, still gotta wake up everyday and go through the motions of life. The lesson here, is that if you want to be sad, get out of the middle class first.

May's been a tough month, all the stress, piled up assignments, preparing for finals, balancing life, work and play. And the feels. Oh god, the feels. Overwhelming, close to losing it. The things that goes on in my own head beats everything that I have to do out there. Before this, I said 'how to make the heart stop?', now I'd say 'how to make the mind stop?'. Insomnia, stupid nightmares, palpitating heartbeats, shaking legs, shaking hands, blurred eyesight, either eating too much or not eating at all. Hmmm. Getting through all that, then there comes sleepless nights with the finals just started. 

May is over now. We're halfway through. I've made countless mistakes, even I'm beginning to lose count. I'm failing myself over and over. I don't know what's wrong with me. There's no more words to say.  Everyday, the only mantra that runs in my head is "keep loving, keep loving, its the only thing left to do".

Love defies all reasons, love has no eyes.
But love is not blind. Love sees but doesn't mind.

 Remember that.

"And when all of the bridges you build
Are washed away in a stream,
Whatever comes,
It's not the end,
We've gotta fight."

Turning 21.

So the actual celebration really started on Tuesday when mummy came down to celebrate with me. We went to The Curve and ate at The Apartment, the food was just so-so and I... don't like rainbow cake. Its just pleasant to the eye, not so much the tongue.

And after dinner and random shopping at IKEA, we headed back to Sunway. And...into Soju. HAHA. Funny night. We had a drink each and mummy was out of it, she didn't even finish her drink. I was pretty reddened up and giggling by then too. Oh wells. Live band, empty place, not too bad. 

Then, on Thursday, Siew Nee and Wai Teng bought me a cake in uni, so sweet of them. I feel bad I couldn't have expressed it better.

Then, Friday... I don't remember what I did :O Ahh. We went to Uncle Jjang and ate Haagen Daaz after that. 

Then... we came home and lazed around. All of a sudden, Omar and the rest of the guys burst in and... we sat around awkwardly. Lol. Thank you guys for coming and enduring the awkwardness and the messy room and the dirty floor. 

The next day, woke up, got dressed. Namchin and I were supposed to go to sing k together, alone. Key word here is 'supposed to'. So he not so secretly crept out and said he was going to the bank, kononnya. And when he returned, we went to redbox. And if nobody was expecting this, because I definitely wasn't, 

"SURPRISE!"

Haha. I love my balloons. And I almost got a heart attack. We sang and ate and... the rest of the day continued. They fooled me quite well I'd say. Haha. Of course, my sister would be the one who breaks first. And Omar and Zhan Wei are bad liars in my eyes. Well.. sorta. 

Totally was not expecting the cell group to be involved as well. :) Eternally grateful.

The uni bff I call him, thank you for all the kindness and friendship you have always so willingly gave.

Thank you, Omar for constantly being my safety net. 

Ezzie, for always sticking by me through life. 

And the best sister anyone could ever ask for.

Great big THANK YOU to the mastermind beneath all these, all the hiding phone and random calls and weird visits to the bank. Thank you so much, namchin, for making this 21st memorable. It is literally, the first surprise party I've ever gotten and so successfully as well. Thank you for all the pain that you've been through, for all the times you held me, for all the times you loved me, for all the sacrifices you made for me, and for all the times you loved me. 

I will love you always.

I am, eternally grateful.

"When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love."

Where are you?

"You’ll meet her, she’s very pretty, even though sometimes she’s sad for many days at a time. You’ll see, when she smiles, you’ll love her."

Pan’s Labyrinth

你不在 當我最需要愛 你卻不在.

"When all that's left in the world is this lamp on my nightstand
It's early morning where you are; you've already left the house  
I'm lying on my side; I can sense that you are turn your back at me  
Countless strangers; waiting for the next green light  
Again and again, we've missed each other's most lonely and vulnerable times."

I personally think that that picture is the cutest thing ever.
Wouldn't you agree?

你那邊是早晨已經出門

我側身感到你在轉身
無數陌生人 正在等下一個綠燈
一再錯身彼此脆弱的時分
不過渴望一個吻的餘溫

Being woken up to nothing.

“Remembering you fallen into my arms crying 

for the death of you heart. You were stone white, 

so delicate, so lost in the cold. 

You were always so lost in the dark”.

 
"...frustration is the worse emotion you can harbor because it encompasses anger, sadness, and disappointment all in one. I think it’s because when you’re frustrated you’re either unhappy with something that you can’t change or dissatisfied with yourself."